Choosing to be single - feels such a relief!

[SirChing]

After a couple of years on and off of online dating, which has resulted in far more frogs than princes, I have made the decision to come off OLD and be single for 2020.

I can't believe how relieved and excited I feel at just focusing on my DD, my health (have fibromyalgia) and sorting out my home which needs a thorough redecorating.

I didn't realise how much mental energy was being taken by OLD. If someone comes along in life who turns out to be lovely then that's great, but I have cancelled my memberships of OLD and all I feel is relief.

Has anyone else made this choice?

SirChing
I did ask them (women’s aid ) and they never got back to me . I do have a therapist right now for eldest who is most troubled

Right now my priority is bloody child care ! I never fully planned it as wasn’t sure he would leave

But have made some progress already , and you are right I can’t stay complacent - it’s all a bit much to manage on top of a full time job !!

@Fightingmycorner2019 I bet your local council children and family services could point you in the right direction for both support and childcare. Our council has loads of details of people who provide different sorts of childcare in various areas. Might be worth a try?

At least keeping busy will hopefully give your brain and heart time to adjust to the big changes without having to fixate on the emotional side of things. I hope it's helping, anyway. Just think, this time next year, all this will be a memory and your life will be settled and what YOU have made it into

It’s daunting . I should be happy he has left
But right now I’m like how the fuck and I going to cope with parenting two boys and teens for the next 10 years ! I know solutions will arise but right now 😱😱😱

Yes , I am so stressed about admin I am
Throwing money at stuff whereas there are services . That I pay tax for and could acess

Of course you will feel daunted. Your whole life has just turned upside down, as has that of your children. You will all be struggling with it. It would be weird if you weren't.

And there is nothing wrong with throwing money at stuff in the short term to ease the transition. You can access funded stuff later, but for now you just need to survive.

You are doing all this AND working a full time job. So you are being very hard on yourself. Can you take a day or two off sick to mentally regroup and make lists of what you need to do and in what order?

Or you could start a thread and let the hive mind of mumsnet find support and resources for you, and advise what needs to be done when. You might be single, but you don't have to be alone

Thanks . You are very kind to say that
Off to bed for a nice 530 start
Thanks

I've been single for four years and it's permanent now. I don't want another relationship.
I manage my disability much better alone than with constant outside pressures, trying to meet other peoples needs and sexual wants. I can't be bothered.

@Fightingmycorner2019 Thank you, that's kind of you to say. PM me at any time of you want a chat or rant

@madcatladyforever I don't blame you at all. Particularly as it seems that in relationships women consider the needs of men, but the same consideration is often not returned. It's draining, and even more so when there are health factors at play where we need all the energy we can get!

Yes, you start seeing the benefits of it at a certain point. It really isn't worth it. So many women spend their lives serving some selfish mediocre man. I used to feel self-conscious about being single. Now I feel proud of it! I've my own job, house, pension, when teens are a bit older I'm looking forward to doing a lot of things I can't do now. I'll be brave enough to do them on my own.

God yes the feeling of being self conscious, I remember in the early months surreptitiously looking at women my ages left hand to see if they were married
It’s funny remembering that like pp just said now I’m really proud of myself and now my two hardworking DC are areal credit to me, I’ve finally got a reasonable salary job, my home is lovely basically I’m in a great position. This is partly due to having had a sensible and fair arrangement with my ex as the DC were growing up but also because of my unstinting commitment to being mentally healthy and getting my self sorted.
OP it didn’t fall in my lap I had psychotherapy, read endlessly and pushed my self out of my comfort zone to get to where I am. I think other factors help like being fine or even prefer my own company and provided I can work being financially independent.
Lunch break over 😊

@TheYearOfTheDog Good for you! I am glad you are now proud, you should be. The people who are weird are the ones who stay in the wrong relationship for them because they are too scared of change to leave. I don't mean people that are scared to leave abusive relationships - I get that fear - but fear of being single. Thats just odd to me.

@comingintomyown It sounds like we have similar relationships with our exes. It's hard to get to the point where everything is fair and reasonable, but my ex has been brilliant and still helps me out when my health is playing up. We have both been really fair financially too so no concerns there, and no problems re contact time and stuff. He can see our DD whenever he wants but has her every weekend anyway.

I agree about getting out own heads straight. I'm an only child from a single parent family, so am used to occupying myself and am really happy in my own company. Someone being around all the time actually annoys me. I like my own space. Fortunately I am in an ok financial position too, and love only having myself to answer to in that regard.

Gosh, there are lots of us aren't there? All happily single. I am loving it so far - especially no one snoring or hogging the bed. Bliss!

I think this thread is great. It's such a shame that a lot of women feel this pressure to be coupled up but it's understandable. I honestly don't know anyone who's happily single and not looking. I wish single wasn't just seen as a temporary state and that more people celebrated it, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner but nobody should feel embarrassed about being single.

I've been single for many years and have no desire to change that. After reading some of the terrible relationships some women on here endure, because a rotten man is better than no man at all, I thank my lucky stars and wish I could persuade them how wrong they are.

Apparent'y studies have shown single women and married men to be the happiest. I think that says it all.

I wish single wasn't just seen as a temporary state and that more people celebrated it

I really agree with this. I also wish we could change the narrative about choice - so many people can’t accept that you’re single as an active choice, and not as a result of a bad relationship or not being able to have a relationship.

On the whole I haven’t had many comments about finding a man with the exception of two happily married friends one of whom can’t be alone for any time at all so just doesn’t get it.
Now ten years on if I met someone nice who was happy in an independent living relationship I would definitely be interested but they haven’t materialised in the last ten years and I am not going looking

I totally agree with you all. There is societal pressure to be coupled up, and I despair of people who would rather be with someone wrong for them than alone.

One of my mum's friends told her years ago that she should lower her standards. Mum told them to piss off She was single for loads of years but has been happily married for the past 15 years to her wife who she met out of the blue.

If that happens for people then great, but also great if it doesn't and they are happy on their own.

Yup, approaching my six year singleversary in Feb and have never been happier. I have no intention of dating or being in a relationship again, both my exes are lovely men but I just prefer my own company.

If you're interested in some single-friendly reading, Bella de Paulo researches and writes about single life and has coined the expression "single-at-heart" for those of us who feel happier single than coupled.

I hope you have a wonderful year!

@undercoveraessedai what a lovely post! I am do glad that you have been true to what makes you happy.

I miss loving and being loved, but I don't miss the crap that goes with it!

Happy 2020 to you and have a great year

@SirChing thank you! I've now rtft and would be up for a happily single chat thread if you're starting one :)

I'd be up for a thread too! I'm reading a book at the moment called "the unexpected joy of being single" by Catherine Gray. I've only just started, but it is resonating with me so far!

I'd also be up for a thread! I don't have any "happily single" friends IRL, the ones that are single are dating/looking for partners.

Excellent! I shall set up a thread then when I have got rid of this banging headache.

Ooh @mildlymiffed that's going on my wishlist, thank you!

@sirching sorry you're feeling grim

I will follow you over there, SirChing.

So many people keep saying to me 'Oh, I never realised you were on your own!' whenever I mention living alone with my dog. I have no idea why, maybe I have the perpetually put upon expression of the coupled-up?

I have five children, all adult. I can imagine it's different if you don't have children, or pets, but four of my children live within a half hour drive of me, so I know there is always company to call upon should I want an evening chatting, and I have plenty of friends. Why the hell would I want another bloke?

Hear hear @Zaphodsotherhead

@Waxonwaxoff0 @mildlymiffed @undercoveraessedai @comingintomyown @JacquesHammer @SilverySurfer @Trinity20
@TheYearOfTheDog @madcatladyforever
@Fightingmycorner2019 @NurseButtercup
@Interestedwoman @GoddessOfTransformativeWrath @rosajosephine @happyandsingle @totallyoutnumbered @lulutinkerbell @outherealone @Zerrin13 and everyone else:
New thread is open under the title The Happy Singleton. That's the pub name. There is free wine so get yourselves over there