Choosing to be single - feels such a relief!

[SirChing]

After a couple of years on and off of online dating, which has resulted in far more frogs than princes, I have made the decision to come off OLD and be single for 2020.

I can't believe how relieved and excited I feel at just focusing on my DD, my health (have fibromyalgia) and sorting out my home which needs a thorough redecorating.

I didn't realise how much mental energy was being taken by OLD. If someone comes along in life who turns out to be lovely then that's great, but I have cancelled my memberships of OLD and all I feel is relief.

Has anyone else made this choice?

Yes to the addicts too! My dad is an addict so it all stands to reason.
I’m very nurturing and loving, empathetic and understanding and very forgiving!
I always find my boundaries too late in the day!

Agree, I realised a couple of years ago (at 47) that LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY was what was making me feel inadequate and lonely. It wasn't being single that was making me feel bad.

I feel so much better now.

@NurseButtercup Totally agree with you. I have just had that experience with a guy last week. Luckily, his mask slipped the first time I met him, and he didn't want to see me again any way. At the time I was so upset and angry at his behaviour towards me that night. Now, I thank God that he showed his true self early on, as I have dodged a massive bullet with him!

@outherealone I have the same personality type. It's always afterwards that you realise how horrible their behaviour has been all along, but the benefit of the doubt has been given. It takes a lot for me to assert my boundaries but, in future, I have decided that I need to assert them sooner and listen to my head and not my heart. Trying to see the best in people doesn't seem to work well in a dating scenario.

@GoddessOfTransformativeWrath that's so true! It's other people who make me feel lonely for being single too. But I am actually really happy with my own company. I could happily go days without speaking to anyone 😁

Maybe someone should set up a friendship agency for women who have consciously decided not to date, to meet up with each other and have fun! Then we would know that no-one would try to pair us off with their mate, and we would all have people to go on holiday with 😂

Good for you OP.

I am still online dating but will probably just give it till the end of the month.

I'm going to be looking into a holiday away this year whether I am single or not.

Hi,
I'm jumping on this inspiring thread with you all if ok? . I ended a 2 year relationship with a covert / vulnerable narcissist about 7 weeks ago. THE best decision I've ever made! I feel so free and light. I have absolutely no intention of looking for anyone any time soon. Focusing on my business and myself this year. My DS's will continue to be the centre of my universe and I have such a good feeling not looking over my shoulder anymore. Still all a bit odd / scary being totally single for the first time since my 20s but cracking on none the less. Don't mean to sound braggy so sorry if I do
xxx

I think it's ok until you become long term single then it can be a bit depressing.
Would be nice to have someone to look out for you and do things with.

I've been single 3 years, I've dated and had a few short lived relationships- if you can call them that

I've given up old for 2020 too.... it's exhausting trying to figure out if they're a player/married/narc/gambler/misogynist etc

I may not last the whole year, but I'm feeling really positive about concentrating on myself and my kids.

@lulutinkerbell yay, enjoy your holiday

@totallyoutnumbered you don't sound braggy, you sound amazing! That takes such courage to get out of an abusive situation. I am so so glad that you feel relief

@happyandsingle I completely see what you mean. But surely better to be alone than doing that stuff with the wrong person? And if the right person came along, then great. There are bound to be low points in single life and in relationships. At least the low points in single life don't involve putting up with anyone else's crap or toenail clippings

@rosajosephine Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Finding out time after time that each of these guys has a massive flaw. It's exhausting! Here's to a less stressful 2020, no matter how far through the year you get

@happyandsingle i used to feel like that but 13 years single if you dont count umpteen OLD dates and a few attempts at giving it a go. But you do finally adjust. I am finally used to it.

I agree @SirChing better to develop the bravery required to do those things alone. I know i needed to do that. I look at some married women my age and they have shrunk. Some. Not all obviously. But i feel being single kept me growing.

@GoddessOfTransformativeWrath I see that too. Mostly in women who have stayed in relationships that no longer make them happy or meet their needs. It's as if by compromising themselves so much, they have lost a bit of themselves each time.

The most interesting and inspiring women I know, have tried hard at their relationships, but have then moved on when it is clear that it is no longer working for them. They may have then met other people, been single for a while, or a mixture of the two. Those women seem to be the happiest and to have had the richest lives.

Yay ! I suspect that after The Freedom programme it’s put me off men for life

I have been single for a grand old 1.5 weeks but I have NO plans to date , nothing

My focus is the same , DC and house and work, and garden when weather picks up

Enjoy ! Fibro is a bitch so some time to heal yourself will be great

@Fightingmycorner2019 You sound so positive! That's brilliant that you have done the Freedom Programme - hope you found it really helpful?

I can't focus on work because the Fibro prevents me from doing that at the moment. I'm an ex mental health nurse who did counselling on the side and would love to become a social worker or youth worker, but that just physically isn't possible for me. I am thinking of trying to do some volunteering though if I can get better.

Does anything think it would be worth setting up a happily single thread? Where we could all gather together for a chat?

My kids are grown up and have left home and I recently ended it with a man I'd been with (but not living with) for eight years. Now it's just me and my dog, I'm about to move into my very own tiny cottage, I have a job I love and another creative job which is very successful.

I literally couldn't be happier. I'd far rather be alone than trying to compensate for some rude bloke who thinks farting is funny and has no idea how to behave in company.

Here's to 2020 for all us confirmed singletons!

Yep I CBA. Maybe I'll feel hornier or something later in the year and get up to something, but for now don't feel the need. I have a friend with occasional benefits.

@Zaphodsotherhead That's fabulous and sounds really positive. Men like that are too thick to realise just how embarrassing they are, aren't they? It makes all my respect and then desire for them go.

@Interestedwoman - good for you! I am always intrigued about how people find a FWB? Is it someone you knew before or someone new. And how do you ask them? You are much braver than me!

Ching not that happy ! Parenting two upset boys who have witnessed the verbal and now talk to me the same is challenging . Very
Really sorry about the fibro and I hope post dating it abates a bit

@sirching omg! I think you may be me, but in a parallel universe. Vowed never to go back onto OLD (well, for now!) as it was a pit full of vipers.

Just broken up (1 week ago) with an alcoholic. Struggling through that and finding it painful.

But my heart is set on a single and sane 2020! Need to learn to enjoy single life- and embrace all it has to offer 😊. And I'm really quite excited! (And I get the keys to my new pad on friday! Yee-hah!)

@SirChing it's very easy to find a FWB, create a profile on any of the OLD sites and set your profile to not looking for anything serious.

I can guarantee you'll be inundated with offers. You could have some fun filtering out the undesirable's and creating your short list hahaha.

I also want to share these words of wisdom and comfort with all the people lurking & participating in this thread:

www.instagram.com/tv/B63ovDclNPq/?igshid=7ytlyup6jl5d

@Fightingmycorner2019 Wow, you are amazingly brave to have got yourself and your boys out of that situation. It's early days isnt it, and with the shock of the split, it stands to reason that the boys would behave as they are. They haven't had enough time away from his influence to learn better ways. Have you asked Women's Aid if they know of any specialist support you can access to help with kids who have witnessed/experienced abuse? I know our local council also runs free parenting guidance for kids who display challenging behaviour. I am going to go because my DD has mild autism and her behaviour can be bad.

Good luck with it all and realise how far you have come. You rock!

@mildlymiffed Hello, long lost twin!

Sorry to hear your ex was an alcoholic too. It's so very hard to deal with and I dont think people understand unless they have been through it too. It sounds like you did exactly the right thing for you. A new pad sounds really exciting - at least you won't have memories of him there. I hope this year is the start of an amazing new adventure for you, with you as the star

@NurseButtercup Ah, I see. I just can't bear the idea of doing OLD again. And also I am not keen on ONS but tend to get attached to those I sleep with. So I think I may leave it unless I start going loopy with frustration. Fortunately (or not) I have a virus at the moment which has killed my libido, so that helps

Love the Insta link. So so true. I want to feel whole as ME again. I hope you are doing ok?

I’m exactly ten years single after my long marriage ended. I’d always had a boyfriend and then lived with someone before meeting XH. When we were in the process of splitting I realised that most of my adult life I had been poorly treated by men and just let it happen. I decided I wouldn’t go near men until I had worked out why and get to a place where I would walk away from Prince Charming if I saw something wasn’t right instead of papering over it.
This took a good while by which time I realised being single has an awful lot to recommend it and actually my life was so much nicer.
Now ten years on about to be living alone as adult DC are leaving I would like some kind of action- ten years is a long time! I won’t do OLD it’s just not me . I do wonder if I’m now untouchable really as I’m happy, independent,wouldn’t tolerate any sort of nonsense and just too strong?

Anyway OP I think some time out is a good idea, it’s not until you really spend time single that you see just how much compromise is involved in most relationships and coming from the same direction don’t need to say which 😂

@comingintomyown It seems like being single has been really positive for you and you're right, so much of the compromise is one way. I totally relate to your papering over the cracks comment too. I also need to learn to walk away instead.

Surely you would only be "untouchable" to an absolute muppet who doesn't value the qualities you have? In which case, why would you want him anyway? I found a lot of men out there are very attracted to women with those qualities, I dated a few myself, but sadly had to ditch them for other reasons of compatibility.

I think of you did try OLD, having spent time deciding what you want and getting happy with yourself, then as long as you were very selective about which site to use (so maybe eHarmony instead of Plenty of Fish), you may be pleasantly surprised by just how much interest you attract.

Good luck whatever you decide

Hmm thanks well never say never as they say !

@comingintomyown you sound so composed! Dear lord, after a failed marriage and a relationship with a bottle loving Twat, I am hopeful that I can now embody the same sort of coolness. I can't wait to move into my new place, get it how I want and starfish! And relax, and not have to be nice and to pander to a man's whims. And just. Be. Me.