thinking of leaving.. been married less than 3 months

[jollyme12]

So I have been married for under 3 months but was with my DH for quite a while before tying the knot. We had a big lavish wedding mainly funded by my parents and his (makes me think before I consider leaving), currently renting a house together before we buy.

Quick background on DH, his mother was abusive throughout his childhood so he does not speak to her and his father is in his life but isn’t the greatest support. His siblings do not speak to him at all. My family are lovely and always have been. Sometimes he has issues with my family because according to him I treat them better than I treat him which is not the case at all. My family have done nothing but be good to him. My brothers are laid back and we always have a laugh and I feel like he is the opposite of them sometimes, and is always in some sort of mood.

When we argue he gets really nasty and swears uncontrollably at me, swears such as you’re a cu** or he will tell me I am selfish, he will then bring up incidents from the past and use them against me even if that argument was resolved already. He then goes on to say he made a mistake in marrying me, he provokes me to swear back at him (I never swear) fast forward few hours on when I have cried and felt distraught he apologises and says he didn’t mean it and about how much he loves me etc. I am sure his broken family upbringing where his mother was constantly swearing has impacted him in many ways. Sometimes he will just snap at me randomly, for example yesterday we were making dinner in the kitchen and I must have left some packaging from some food on the floor, he picks it up and comes in to the living room stating why are you always leaving rubbish around pick it up. I believe he does have anger issues and I have even said maybe you should go on anger management to which he responds I don’t have anger issues.

Before we were married, things were different, he was a nicer person however we did argue then. Sometimes I blame myself, I should have known.

I feel embarrassed about the length of time I have been married and i already want out.

I am so confused, half of me wants to leave but the other doesn’t as I do love him. And when we have good times they are good. Has anyone been through anything similar?

Life is too short ltb

Could you maybe try some marriage counselling ? Not been through anything similar sorry but just wondering if there’s a way you could chat if you say you have good times and so love him but equally if you’re miserable what’s the point ?
Again I’m no expert so not the best advise but I didn’t want to read and ignore . All the best x

Sorry I meant could he try some counselling *

Can you talk to your family?
I feel differently than you about the length of time, and say f you want to leave then it's better now then have wasted even more of your life. Talk to your family and tell them everything. Get some counselling for yourself who will help you through.
There are no children and no properties to divide up. Good luck.

He thinks you're trapped now you're married.

Unequivocally ltb!

I am considering marriage counselling, we hardly argue, but when we do it is so horrible, he turns into someone I don't even recognise

Have you actually sat & said to him that while you love him, his mood swings and verbal aggression are making you unhappy to the extent you're considering ending the marriage?

Honest communication is needed. Maybe suggest couple counselling to him? Letting him know how this is affecting your feelings for him may be the kick up the arse for him to seek help with respect to his past.

I think it's unfair to enter a marriage and then just "ltb" (as the rather unhelpful first pp has suggested!) when there are options to explore first if there is still love there.

I have a similar past to your DH and my DH has put up with mood swings and depression from me. But he's supported me and that's helped hugely in getting to a point where I am happy.

So his behaviour has changed suddenly since you got married? That implies to me that he has full control over how he is behaving. Do you really want to have children with and grow old with someone who treats you like this?

My family are supportive, I know for a fact if I told my dad and brothers about the arguments and swearing they would support me and most likely tell me to leave too

Do not go to joint counselling with someone who is ever abusive. No competent or reputable therapist would agree to it.

Abusing you is a choice. You can't change it.

Every abused woman ever has struggled with the fact her abusive partner can sometimes be charming and lovely. That's why women stay even as it gets worse and worse and worse.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

He does not have anger issues, well not in the ways you think. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviours. Do you love him or are you really confusing this with codependency issues?. His needs here are not more important than yours. He is very much a product of his own abusive upbringing and the red flags were there prior to marriage too. I suppose you thought and or hoped that marriage would change him.

Seek help from your own family and friends and get legal advice also to end this marriage as soon as possible. If this is what its already like a few months into marriage then this is what the rest of your life will be like with him too.

Such men do not change, this is really who he is. Abusive people are not nasty all the time either because if they were, no-one would want to be with them. However, the nice/nasty cycle associated with them is a continuous one.

I would also think that he does not act like this around people in the outside world or his work colleagues. Do not embark on any form of joint counselling here; you are not emotionally safe to do this with him. Apart from this joint counselling is never recommended if there is abuse of any type. within the relationship.

I was in a marriage like this. Counselling didn't work. (The counsellor did one session with us together, then told me to leave in my first individual session with her.)

Unless he can take full responsibility for how his family shaped him and continues to drive his (frankly abusive) behaviours, then you don't stand a chance.

Why did you marry him then? Thinking he would change?

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof; its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you here.

@BobblyRash

I haven't really expressed my views in that manner, I am not sure he even knows I am considering ending the marriage, I am going to have that conversation and take it from there.

I do love him and he is a good guy, the last argument we had, I made it clear that if he ever speaks to me like that I am out the door

I agree that you need to make your boundaries very clear (not that you should have to, he knows what he's doing is wrong!) and stick to what you say. If it happens again, pack your bags and go. No conversation, no explanations, just go.

As an aside: how do you end up leaving food packaging on the floor when you're cooking? Either leave it on the work surface or put it in the bin...

Did you just want the big wedding, seems a massive waste of money. Given his behaviour, I wouldn't stay, move on.

What you are describing is textbook abuse. You have married a dud. Please don't feel embarrassed - you are not the first woman to have made a mistake. Forget about the cost of the wedding. Don't worry about "what people will think/say". None of that matters and you would be amazed how many women have realised their mistake and just shut up and put up, spending years in a bad marriage.

Marriage is hard enough without being married to an arsehole.

Deep breath, look to the future, and put this one down to experience. I am sure your family will support you.

Good luck. (And don't be surprised when he makes endless empty promises when you tell him it's over. You already know what he's like, and it's not good enough.)

It's not normal for a newly wed to be sworn at like this. This is supposed to be the best times. Throw in some kids, money worrys and not enough time to keep things spotless and imagine how he will be then? Once your trapped with the kids and financially

jollyme12

re your comment:-

"I do love him and he is a good guy, the last argument we had, I made it clear that if he ever speaks to me like that I am out the door".

He will likely refuse to leave if you tell him to leave.
Is he a good guy, well he is to people in the outside world but he is not a good man to you.

Do read about being codependent in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You've recently argued and you are still there under the same roof. Be very careful re him going forward; women are at higher risk of being abused and or otherwise attacked when they tell their abuser that they are leaving them.

I would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and seek their counsel when it is safe for you to do so. Start telling trusted other people what is happening here, do not keep this a secret because abuse too also thrives on secrecy.

@misspiggy19 Not at all, the arguments were never this bad before marriage, if that was the case i would never have gone into marriage, we had arguments but nothing was swearing of this nature.

I am a headstrong woman, so i will refuse to take any shit off a man, but i am left confused for the first time ever. Normally it is so easy for me to make decisions

@user1493494961 not really, in my family its the culture to have a big wedding, same happened for my brother, so a big wedding would have happened regardless of who i got married to.

I would sign up for some marriage counselling, if you are generally good in other areas, laugh, joke, have similar interests, rarely argue but he just swears in arguments, then it could be easily fixed with some counselling.

My DH was exactly the same, swore and slammed about in arguments, exactly like his mother, but when we went to a professional she made a good point.

She said men usually the raise their voice, swear etc, but women are better at being passive aggressive, roll their eyes, are sarcastic. She said neither are ok.

My bothreally took this on. and we haven't had a screaming row since. I also realised how much I contributed to the arguments when my tone changed /rolled my eyes at him/when I nagged at him and was sarcastic. Our arguments didn't happen in a vacuum, I contributed too. I would just take the bit where he swore and make the argument about that so it never got resolved.

Obviously we don't know your exact situation or the breakdown of each of your arguments, but counselling really helped us, more than any advice we were ever given by anybody.

@GiveHerHellFromUs yeah, those are my thoughts next time no point explaining myself again. In reference to the food packaging, it was a pizza box and the whole thing was put in the bin however some of it must have dropped on the floor literally the tiniest piece so I did not notice it