thinking of leaving.. been married less than 3 months

[jollyme12]

So I have been married for under 3 months but was with my DH for quite a while before tying the knot. We had a big lavish wedding mainly funded by my parents and his (makes me think before I consider leaving), currently renting a house together before we buy.

Quick background on DH, his mother was abusive throughout his childhood so he does not speak to her and his father is in his life but isn’t the greatest support. His siblings do not speak to him at all. My family are lovely and always have been. Sometimes he has issues with my family because according to him I treat them better than I treat him which is not the case at all. My family have done nothing but be good to him. My brothers are laid back and we always have a laugh and I feel like he is the opposite of them sometimes, and is always in some sort of mood.

When we argue he gets really nasty and swears uncontrollably at me, swears such as you’re a cu** or he will tell me I am selfish, he will then bring up incidents from the past and use them against me even if that argument was resolved already. He then goes on to say he made a mistake in marrying me, he provokes me to swear back at him (I never swear) fast forward few hours on when I have cried and felt distraught he apologises and says he didn’t mean it and about how much he loves me etc. I am sure his broken family upbringing where his mother was constantly swearing has impacted him in many ways. Sometimes he will just snap at me randomly, for example yesterday we were making dinner in the kitchen and I must have left some packaging from some food on the floor, he picks it up and comes in to the living room stating why are you always leaving rubbish around pick it up. I believe he does have anger issues and I have even said maybe you should go on anger management to which he responds I don’t have anger issues.

Before we were married, things were different, he was a nicer person however we did argue then. Sometimes I blame myself, I should have known.

I feel embarrassed about the length of time I have been married and i already want out.

I am so confused, half of me wants to leave but the other doesn’t as I do love him. And when we have good times they are good. Has anyone been through anything similar?

@AttilaTheMeerkat knowing my mother, I think she will tell me to perhaps speak to a counsellor first however my dad works in the mental health sector so his opinion would be very different.

Tell your family. They have your best interests at heart, your husband doesn't.

Don't waste another minute with him, he is horrendous.

After reading all the responses, It is what i wanted to hear, I think it is time to end this relationship and walk away.

OP you mentioned your culture. Is he of the same culture and is it a culture where men historically take a much more dominant role in the marriage?

Good re no children involved. Do not yourself ever make this man a father.

Abuse thrives on secrecy, start telling people properly about what is happening to you within your home.

Good luck jollyme12

Stay safe!
Couldn't hurt to give women's aid a ring for advice about going forwards!

@GiveHerHellFromUs he is not from the same culture as me, in our relationship we are mainly equal

Speaking to a counsellor yourself in the long run could help you re having better boundaries in relationships. But your main priority now is you and your own safety here. You are not emotionally safe with this man and his abuse towards you could well turn physical if he decides his current level of control is not working.

Abusers cut across all classes, cultures and creeds.

i will try womens aid tonight, thank you

You wont be the first or last to have a short lived marriage.
You both sound unhappy and he has the added layer of being abusive.
In your shoes I would be making plans on leaving.

@jollyme12 was just making sure he couldn't use that as his excuse for being a prize twat

Well done you for not putting up with it!

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes, i rather get out now then endure more months of thinking when the next argument will be.

The most positive thing about this post is that you have a supportive family .
Go to them now and explain you are married to an abuser ... ask for help and stay away from him .
He will only get worse these men NEVER change .
Next step will be to isolate you from your wonderful family . Get out before this.
Do NOT feel any of this is your fault..
I am so sorry this had happened to you .

I wish you the best of luck in the future

Run. He thinks he has you trapped now. Sod the waste of wedding money.

He's already trying to put a wedge between you and your family.

He knows exactly what he has done and said and it has been going on more covertly before marriage (creating issues with your family) and classic abusive trajectory - ramps it up on marriage, pregnancy etc:

He has selected you as his emotional punchbag for all of the decades of unresolved anger he has with his DM - he is projecting it all on to you.

You may have had pity for his sad childhood - thought you could love him through it. But you can’t - you are just inadvertently facilitating its entrenchment.

You are not a trained psychiatrist / psychologist / psychotherapist who knows how to treat him and who he has proactively engaged with, motivated to reflect, take responsibility to change his thinking and behaviours and to emotionally grow.

It would take years for him to turn this around with professional support but he has no need or desire to access that when the dynamic with you as the emotional punchbag is still grinding on.

@babbi thanks, yes my family are so good to me, i know they will help me and support me through it, i always thought maybe its my fault but you are right, no one deserves to be spoken to like that

@Gutterton thanks, really needed to hear that

Leaving is a process. You're already contemplating this and for good reason. You need to plan a safe exit as his behaviour will only become worse over time possibly escalating to physical abuse. Couples counselling is in no way appropriate in this situation. Listen to the advice to look at the freedom programme, once you see what's happening ie power and control you cannot unsee it. good luck op

I could have written your post a few years ago. I'd been with (now) exh since I was 16, we got married when I was 22. On the day of my wedding I cried, because I knew I didn't want to do it, but felt I had no choice. Money had been spent, people were excited, how would it look? So I went through with it

3 months later I considered leaving. His controlling behaviour had become more obvious, I was miserable. But I'd only been married 3 months, how would it look?

After 9 months I accidently broke down while having coffee with my mam, told her how miserable I was and how much I wanted to leave. I've never seen her so annoyed. Annoyed that I was still there. She was awesome. The money didn't matter. The appearances didn't matter. I was what mattered. We made a plan. I left a week later.

I'm now remarried to a wonderful dh with 2 amazing kids and I never look back. If you are unhappy, leave now. It won't get easier.

Have counselling yourself.
As some others have said, do NOT have joint counselling.
It's never ever recommended in an abusive relationship.
You can have counselling and if he wants to then he can have counselling.
Once he's had some counselling and a lot of anger management sessions, then you can consider joint counselling.
That is at least a year away though!!!!
He is abusive.
Yes it is learned behaviour.
But he chooses to do it.
He has chosen to ramp it up since you got married.
Thinking you won't leave because now he HAS YOU!!!
Yeah right.
You are not a possession just because you are married.
Please leave today.
Get to your parents and have a good chat with them about things.
Don't hold anything back.
Do NOT minimise any of this.
Make sure they know everything.
This has just escalated.
It will continue to do so - time to save yourself OP!!!

A young friend of mine was in a similar situation just married and knowing it wasn’t working out.

She really thought it through before jumping. She had counselling and so did he then they went to marriage counselling.

Had a holiday together

After a couple of months they both decided on divorce. It was definitely a good idea to give it time, she now says they BOTH tried and knew they could walk away.

They are each now in new relationships and much happier.

Not really a 'similar situation' to op though.. It isn't 'just not working out', the guy is a prize shit.

The abuse also ramps up once the he victim decides to leave. This is the most dangerous time for women - this is when verbal abuse can turn violent. When the stalking, harassing, suicide threats and other “punishments” get meted out.

I would detach emotionally and quietly in your head and heart.

I would TELL your family that you are leaving and that you need their support. I would not ask their advice - as they may need time to come to terms with it themselves and may ask you to try again. Show them this thread - people on here sadly have personal and professional experience and expertise to share. They know what they are looking at and what will happen next. Your lovely family will not have a clue as they have not been exposed to anything like this.

However - I suspect that your DF in his professional capacity and your brothers due to the conflict will have had their suspicions - and will be relieved, proud and supportive that you have taken such an important decision.

Plan the logistics of your departure. Get all important documents, passports, bank details (just photo stuff on your phone if needed) out of the house. Tell your parents you are moving home for now. See a solicitor.

Once all of your ducks are in a row - LEAVE.

ONLY then tell him you have gone.

Just say “You are incompatible” - don’t give him words he will just twist into a psychodrama.

Don’t engage. Block to emotionally protect yourself. Be ready for the pleading, begging, promising nonsense which quickly moves into threats and harassment. Keep a log and nip it in the bud immediately - speak to the police v early on to clip his wings.

Tell your family, friends and workplace not to engage with him or pass info either way.

You have dodged a bullet.

I agree that leaving is a dangerous time.
You may be able to without much of a mess if he thinks he will be able to get you back.

I bet his "making a mistake in marrying you" will turn to "love you so much and can't live without you" just to reel you back in.