DH and snapping

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Am deliberately not posting in aibu as need support, not a pile on.

So background: DH and I are basically strong, I think, but wr've had a challenging couple of years. When I've posted on this board before, general consensus is I am hard work, need to make allowances etc.

One of the things I have a problem with is him snapping in frustration and swearing - NOT at me but in general about a situation. I find it aggressive and non-constructive.

Today we took the Dc, inc 22mo twins to soft play for the afternoon. A large party was already there with adults drinking (it is attached to a country club type place), apparently celebrating a significant birthday. The children in the party were running from the function room, through the bar area, to the softplay. They were basically totally hyped and not really supervised.

When we arrived, one of them approached DD2 and shoved her hard so that she staggered. She was standing at the top of a ramp and nearly went over. He looked to be about 3. There were no adults in sight at all so I said firmly "hey, no pushing! No thank you! Off you go." He ran off.

A few minutes later he ran into the softplay where the DTs now were and DH with them. The kid basically ran amok, barrelling up and down the tunnels and slide and knocking other kids out of his way anf hitting out. There were still no adults. Then he spotted DD2, ran over to her and shoved her again, this time much harder so that her head collided with a pillar. It was cushioned but not very well and she was hysterical - it takes a lot to upset her.

DH told him off and in the course of so doing calles him a "little dickhead". An older child ran to tell the parents back in the function room - there was then a little contretemps as they came steaming out, got the manager etc.

What would your reaction to this be, honestly?

My reaction would be disgusted that an adult would call a child names. No wonder the parents were upset! One of you should have got a manager and spoken to them about the unsupervised children. Your husband was in the wrong.

He shouldn’t have called the child a dickhead but the the child shouldn’t have deliberately hurt his DD (twice). Also the parents should have been supervising.

Well obviously he shouldn't have called the child a dickhead but I couldn't get too worked up about it under these circumstances.

He obviously shouldn't have called the three year old a 'little dickhead' (he should have reserved that for the child's lazy parents) but I think I'd understand the impulse given it comes from a place of righteous anger and protectiveness of your DC.

No excuse for calling a young child a "dickhead"! Absolutely horrible.

Am I the only one who chuckled at this?

That was a horrible thing to say to any young child. The kid was behaving horribly but you just don’t do you?
DH sounds quite angry. It’s him not you.

Yeah he can’t be calling a kid a dick head.
Should of found the manager and asked him / her to tell the parents to keep a better eye on the kids.

Your dh sounds horrible, sorry.
He needs anger management therapy.

Should have.
Goodness me. Sacrilege.

Thanks for responses. I am trying to make sense of how I should feel about this and other incidences.

So, to my mind, me telling him off the first time was reasonable as kids that age need an immediate consequence. When the second incident occurred I was away getting coffees for the adults ( we were there with another mum). If I had been there I would basically have done what pp suggest and found the mum and_or manager.

I am trying to work out how far this is "a different way of doing things" as opposed to "unreasonable by anyone's standards" iyswim.

Hmmm in my opinion the kid deserved it and maybe he’ll think twice before being a little dickhead in the future. Sure he shouldn’t have snapped. Same thing happened to a wonderful friend of mine. Her kid is much older and she did a similar “snap”. Sometimes these things come out. We’re all human. She apologised to the kids parent but said she’s still not excusing his behaviour. I think that’s fair enough. Your DH could apologise for the rude word but say he’s not excusing the kid his bad behaviour. I’d probably high five him in private because kids like that ruin everybody’s day.

Oh and stop being the “other kids behaviour police” you weren’t there. Let your DH fight his own battles. You come across as quite controlling to be honest. It’s not up to you to tell him how to behave in public. He’s an adult.

Faced with seeing his own child hysterical, I understand the comment.

You are over-thinking this. I don’t think it’s complicated. You don’t snap and call a stranger’s very small child a dickhead. Whether they walloped your littler kid or not. You think it, bite your tongue and do something adult and appropriate.
He snapped because he has poor impulse control. He can fix it by acknowledging it and then going to therapy.
But it seems he’s maybe got you thinking being aggressive with a small child is genuinely another option and a completely appropriate way to have managed a soft play bust up.
Personally, I’d trust your initial gut instinct which seems to be suggesting he’s got issues that need fixing.

I would be disgusted by any adult who thought it was acceptable to call a 3 year old a dickhead.
Ffs.

The kid was being an actual dickhead. Little sociopath in the making....

However, inappropriate language usage towards a young dickhead.

Parents of dickhead bigger dickheads for letting their little dickhead run amok and abuse kids littler than himself.

I'm glad your husband didn't say "oh well, boys will be boys" or disagree with your concern.

Yeah, that kid does sound like a dickhead, but you just cant go round saying that out loud to them when you're a grown up.

Your fb sounds like he has anger issues.

Completely agree with hearthole who has said it much better than me.

I don't see how I am being controlling plump as I haven't said a word to him beyond to ask what happened as he was surrounded by several angry women and the manager. I think it is exactly the opposite of controlling to come on here, get opinions and reflect, actually.

He won't go to therapy - we have discussed it before about other stuff. I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and genuinely find it hard to separate out normal behaviour from over the line, sometimes.

Surely having the manager and other people telling him that he cannot call a child a dickhead was enough for him to realise that you just dont do that.

The thing is, you guys were in the right. The child was out of control and needed intervention. If you had gone to get a supervisor or the patents then you would have the high ground. But the second he called that child a dickhead to it's face, he lost the high ground. The discussion was no longer about aggressive behaviour from the child; it became about aggressive behaviour of an adult. The situation which needed fixing (bad child) wouldn't get fixed. But you would probably get asked to leave.

Obviously it’s not lovely behaviour but a timely lesson for the parents - if they’re not arsed about the other children their unsupervised child is (deliberately) injuring and upsetting, then perhaps the realisation that other adults exist and will step in, perhaps in ways they don’t like, will give them pause for thought. There are worse ways to parent than letting a few choice words slip imo. However, if he was properly beside himself out of control red mist angry then yes i agree he needs help to work on that.

I've called a child a bully before. He was doing that sort of thing over and over to my younger child and I told him off and told him he was being a bully and people dont play with bullies so go away. I wouldn't have called him a dickhead.

Madame very much doubt the parents will listen. The incident was eventually resolved when an older woman from the party ?grandmother? came over and asked my husband to apologise for his language, which he did, but explained that it was not the first incident. She was all "ooo I'm sure that can't be true, XX wouldn't hurt a fly" etc etc.

Honestly I think DH was right as far as being angry and giving the kid a ticking off. I guess what I am getting my head around is the spurts of aggression. Sometimes I feel like it is just his way and sometimes I feel like we just approach things so differently that it's a real problem.

@anothernamejeeves you are not the only one who chuckled at this.