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Original poster

DH and snapping

72 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 01/01/2020 18:00

Am deliberately not posting in aibu as need support, not a pile on.

So background: DH and I are basically strong, I think, but wr've had a challenging couple of years. When I've posted on this board before, general consensus is I am hard work, need to make allowances etc.

One of the things I have a problem with is him snapping in frustration and swearing - NOT at me but in general about a situation. I find it aggressive and non-constructive.

Today we took the Dc, inc 22mo twins to soft play for the afternoon. A large party was already there with adults drinking (it is attached to a country club type place), apparently celebrating a significant birthday. The children in the party were running from the function room, through the bar area, to the softplay. They were basically totally hyped and not really supervised.

When we arrived, one of them approached DD2 and shoved her hard so that she staggered. She was standing at the top of a ramp and nearly went over. He looked to be about 3. There were no adults in sight at all so I said firmly "hey, no pushing! No thank you! Off you go." He ran off.

A few minutes later he ran into the softplay where the DTs now were and DH with them. The kid basically ran amok, barrelling up and down the tunnels and slide and knocking other kids out of his way anf hitting out. There were still no adults. Then he spotted DD2, ran over to her and shoved her again, this time much harder so that her head collided with a pillar. It was cushioned but not very well and she was hysterical - it takes a lot to upset her.

DH told him off and in the course of so doing calles him a "little dickhead". An older child ran to tell the parents back in the function room - there was then a little contretemps as they came steaming out, got the manager etc.

What would your reaction to this be, honestly?

OP posts:
ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 01/01/2020 19:46

I’m sorry about your childhood. I don’t think you’re being controlling. I do imagine you’re hyper-sensitive to shitty behaviour. Maybe you go to therapy if your snappy husband won’t. You can work out what’s worth putting up with and what might be worth moving on over.
Calling a three year old dickhead is horrible.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 01/01/2020 19:48

Just so it's clear this is a pattern. Other recent egs would be -

DS crying in the night and being difficult to settle - DH bounding upstairs hissing "he's fucking useless" under his breath - but then comforting DS appropriately.

Or, I mislaid an expensive item at nursery by mistake. I was sure it would turn up as it was bulky and not the sort of thing you would throw out. I said I would go in early the next day to ask the manager to help me look. DH lost it, swore and slammed cupboard doors repeatedly and when I asked him to calm down, said he wasn't angry at me just the potential expense if it did get lost.

Those are two egs but lots more. I definitely don't think he is abusive in any way but I find the bursts of verbal anger stressful. Is that weird of me?

OP posts:
NewNameGuy · 01/01/2020 19:53

I would have probably chucked him into the ball pit

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 01/01/2020 20:00

Does he ever behave aggressively towards other adults? Would he call another man a dickhead to his face?

Quartz2208 · 01/01/2020 20:01

I think he is being abusive if he cannot control his anger. It was a completely inappropriate way of dealing with the situation (which should have been with the parents at the start and certainly not by swearing and calling a child names)

You have a huge DH problem because he is going to start calling your children by those names pretty soon

Cambionome · 01/01/2020 20:05

Dealing with someone else's anger is incredibly stressful - you are always worrying what is going to set them off next... I spent years putting up with this from my exh and the relief of not having to live with it anymore is fantastic.

Calling your ds "fucking useless" is just absolutely awful. That would have been the final straw for me, nevermind calling a 3 year old a dickhead. Sad

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:07

I’ve called kids worse, Including my own. Some people do get angry. I think swearing under his breath on the way up the stairs and then comforting his child is a good way of managing it. Most parents I know do this.

Cambionome · 01/01/2020 20:10

You would call your own child "fucking useless" Clock?
So horrible and unkind.

MonstranceClock · 01/01/2020 20:14

Oh boo hoo. Parenting is hard work and sometimes you need to have a vent. If it’s not to the child face, why does it matter.

TartanMarbled · 01/01/2020 20:14

It's not the end of the world, he's just a sweary person. None of those examples would bother me in the slightest.

ohwheniknow · 01/01/2020 20:18

I definitely don't think he is abusive in any way

Please define abusive then. Or do you mean "compared to my childhood experiences"?

mummyway · 01/01/2020 20:22

The 3 year old was in the wrong first, the 3 year olds parents were in the wrong too and lastly so was your husband. I wouldn't get too mad at your hai and, his kid had been hurt and he reacted. If the other kids parents were respo Sible and stayed with their kid this never would have happened.
Also I would say you ar w a bit in the wrong for not havi g reported it to management the first time the bratty kid pushed yours over.

Interestedwoman · 01/01/2020 20:26

I think 'little dickhead' is fairly mild, and funny if the child is being a little dickhead (as he was.) if he'd said 'you little fucking cunt' or something then I'd consider it OTT, but he didn't.

Could you give us some other examples of his behaviour? I haven't seen your earlier threads.

AnotherEmma · 01/01/2020 20:26

Muttering that child is a dickhead quietly under breath and out of earshot - fine
Calling the child a dickhead when telling you what happened later, privately - fine
Actually calling the child a dickhead out loud while the child and/or other people could hear - completely unacceptable

He clearly has anger issues and he sounds unpleasant to be around. None of us are perfect but equally it's not fair for him to expect you to live on edge like that. If he is not willing to even consider counselling then I don't know what to suggest tbh. I suppose counselling of your own - given your history of emotional abuse I think you could do with an impartial professional giving you proper advice (unlike people on here, especially given that you've already been told you're "hard work", that delightful mumsnet phrase Hmm).

Whowaswronghere2 · 01/01/2020 20:28

I chuckled too

Ivyr0se · 01/01/2020 20:30

Expressing anger is healthy, your husband just needs to practise healthier ways of doing so.

I think you are a bit unfair if he cursed under his breath but comforted the child appropriately.

People experince events and process anger differently, but I wouldn't be too concerned that he called the kid a dickhead.

Its not great but the kid was being malicious and his protective instincts kicked in.

DickDewy · 01/01/2020 20:31

Your husband sounds like an absolute moron and a very poor role model.

I wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour.

Interestedwoman · 01/01/2020 20:32

Ah ok, just seen your examples. Thanks.

No it's not weird of you to dislike stuff like that, it would mean that you have to live walking on eggshells so as to avoid the temper tantrums. My childhood was like that, and my sister and I have anxiety issues due to having such a stressful home environment.

I would advice getting you and the kids out of it TBH. It's not good for the kids' future mental health, and you don't have to live that way.

The incident with the lost item at nursery, however he justifies it, is verging on verbal abuse, and I'm sure he does direct his language at you sometimes, or will direct it at you or the kids at some point in the future.

firesong · 01/01/2020 20:34

Nope. I don't like adults calling children names like this, it's gross and inappropriate. He needs to control his impulses as much as that three year old does.

Interestedwoman · 01/01/2020 20:34

*advise.

The slamming etc is aggressive, too.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 01/01/2020 20:42

I'm with your DH. Little dickheads turn into bigger dickheads if left unchallenged.

Zupermumm · 01/01/2020 20:57

My husband is like this too, over reacts with rage in situations where It is unjustified imo, and it also makes me really uncomfortable. He would probably do the same thing in this situation. I have also seen him purposely trip kids over or push them if they piss him off. Probably the worst I have seen is him switch off a disabled persons electric wheelchair just because they were pissing him off (not a kid, but similar in that they were defenceless). I don’t know what to do about my husband either as he won’t accept he has a problem.

AnotherEmma · 01/01/2020 21:05

Zupermumm fuck me that is a nasty piece of shit you are married to! You LTB that's what you do!

anothernamejeeves · 01/01/2020 21:05

have also seen him purposely trip kids over or push them if they piss him off. Probably the worst I have seen is him switch off a disabled persons electric wheelchair just because they were pissing him off (not a kid, but similar in that they were defenceless). I don’t know what to do about my husband either as he won’t accept he has a problem.

Hmmwhen did schools go back?

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 01/01/2020 21:10

Zuper, oh crikey that is awful and he would never do that or anything physical.

He is actually a great dad, super patient and very loving. He would never call one of our children a dickhead, he really dotes on them.

It's interesting that the responses seem to be 50/50!

OP posts: