DH and snapping

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

Am deliberately not posting in aibu as need support, not a pile on.

So background: DH and I are basically strong, I think, but wr've had a challenging couple of years. When I've posted on this board before, general consensus is I am hard work, need to make allowances etc.

One of the things I have a problem with is him snapping in frustration and swearing - NOT at me but in general about a situation. I find it aggressive and non-constructive.

Today we took the Dc, inc 22mo twins to soft play for the afternoon. A large party was already there with adults drinking (it is attached to a country club type place), apparently celebrating a significant birthday. The children in the party were running from the function room, through the bar area, to the softplay. They were basically totally hyped and not really supervised.

When we arrived, one of them approached DD2 and shoved her hard so that she staggered. She was standing at the top of a ramp and nearly went over. He looked to be about 3. There were no adults in sight at all so I said firmly "hey, no pushing! No thank you! Off you go." He ran off.

A few minutes later he ran into the softplay where the DTs now were and DH with them. The kid basically ran amok, barrelling up and down the tunnels and slide and knocking other kids out of his way anf hitting out. There were still no adults. Then he spotted DD2, ran over to her and shoved her again, this time much harder so that her head collided with a pillar. It was cushioned but not very well and she was hysterical - it takes a lot to upset her.

DH told him off and in the course of so doing calles him a "little dickhead". An older child ran to tell the parents back in the function room - there was then a little contretemps as they came steaming out, got the manager etc.

What would your reaction to this be, honestly?

I don’t suppose your husband is an Only Child? Mine is and I think this is part of the problem as he hasn’t grown up with siblings and therefore never learnt to pick his battles.

Ivy I also think expressing anger is healthy. Because I grew up in an environment where tantrums and meltdowns from.adults were the norm I tend to be assertive but very calm when expressing anger.

I guess I find the "fireworks approach" harder to handle.

No, he is an elder brother to one.

johnny expressing uncontroable anger is different from being allowed to express emotions and indeed having them. You simply cannot say he wont to your children because he doesnt have a handle on it.

All of these situations show is that he cannot handle negative emotions or situations appropriately. Today with a different set of parents could have gotten massively out of hand - he unleashes on the wrong person/wrong environment and it could have catastrophic consequences. Today he came across people who were willing to calm it down - up against another person like him completely different story

I think he's straddling a very fine line and he definitely can't see that his behaviour is unsettling and scaring you.

He doesn't aim his anger at you or the DC so he doesn't see why it would be intimidating/confusing for you.

Have you had a frank talk to him about how it makes you feel, what you associate swearing/banging doors etc with?

I wouldn't have called that kid a dickhead but I probably would've made him cry with my tone of voice/bollocking. That probably would've been worse.

@zupermumm would you please retract that offensive statement? Your husband is a fucking sociopath which has NOTHING to do with not having siblings. How can you stay with a man like that? Disgusting.

@codenamevillanelle I don’t know how to delete the post (sorry). I totally agree that his behaviour is not on and I’m trying to figure out how to ltb as quickly as I can. But if we split, the he will have access to to kids in his own without me diffusing situations, so I stay for the sake of the kids. I did leave a couple of years ago but him and his mum begged me to give it another go. I so wish I had kept running!

Don't worry about deleting posts. Just be careful not to make excuses for him.
Have you spoken to women's aid for advice?

I'm like your DH, the only reason I wouldn't call a child a dickhead is that it's not generally an insult I use. If I remembered not to swear I'd probably call him a vile and horrible little boy.

And frankly, if a kid pushes someone over and can't handle a telling off, they're too young to be unsupervised so there's no point the parent getting angry, they've only got themselves to blame.

Lots to think about here.

@PanicAndRun thanks so much for your post as I feel you hit it on the head. To him it is just expressing anger without thinking about how it might come across to another. We have had many discussions over the years - been together 11y, married 7y - about how I feel and he is always very contrite but tbh I think he sees it as me having some type of conflict- avoidance issue, not him being U iyswim.

Quartz he actually times his outbursts very carefully imo. It is a bone of contention. He would for example NEVER swear or get angry in front of his mum, whom he (rightly) respects hugely. Or at work. So no, I don't think he would with our children....
....and if I am being coldly honest, if that boy's 6'5" father had been there he probably wouldn't have, either.

but tbh I think he sees it as me having some type of conflict- avoidance issue, not him being U iyswim.

This is not ok though,especially since he has some kind of control.

I think a compromise can be reached if he's willing to work on it. It's not all you or your issues at play here. He needs to work on any kind of physical displays of anger , as they can be very threatening and tbh reckless and risky. It's possible they affect you more as well. You can try to look into how you see swearing, it's not always a sign of aggression and it can be used in many many situations. He can try to replace the swear words most of the times with other words. There's a lot of sugars and fiddlesticks in my house.

The only way the situation can improve though is only if he accepts he's part of the problem and he must put some work in to fix it.

Maybe have a look at what you find most triggering actions/words/specific words etc and start there.

Has he ever harmed you in his anger even if not on purpose? Does he swear at you?

Child was acting the dick head because parents were being irresponsible.

The parents are 100% in the wrong for letting their child run mad around the place without supervision. You already spoke to the child and he didn't listen. Therefore the child was being a dick head. I wouldn't get upset if husband called a misbehaved, unsupervised child a name. Infact I would probably have called the parents dick heads for not looking after their child and letting their them harm another.

Your husband was not wrong.

If he wouldn't have done it to the 6.5 dad, then that is worse!! It makes him a coward who targets his anger at those who can not defend themselves!! He would be shown the door with me! I actually feel sick reading that . your poor kids

"He would for example NEVER swear or get angry in front of his mum, whom he (rightly) respects hugely. Or at work."

Then it's abusive and not an anger management issue. He choose to inflict his anger on people he feels "deserve" it.

Does he do (m)any things from this list?
liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

You have your answer OP. “He won’t go to therapy” aka not giving a shit.

OP your update changes everything its not an anger issue then he is simply a bully throwing his weight around when he can. So he thinks its ok to name call a child

I mean, I would behave differently (be more sweary) at home than I would at work or with my mum. That's pretty normal, no? Not a sign of some sort of abuser. Give it a rest!

That is very abusive and should be remedied post-haste! My Ex swore at one of our children, sometimes behind their back, but at least apoligsed for it. His occasional promising things and not always followed through was also kids fault as they backed out or were too worn from being up so late on their tele. Sometimes I am embarrassed to admit I keep them home bodied. And I hope that isn’t harmful to the future.

Best to you in getting the assistance you want and need.

It is not very abusive at all. It was a word said in anger and frustration having seen his child hurt. Total overreaction to call this 'very abusive'.

Sounds like the kid was being a little dickhead! And so were his parents.

Johnny

re your comment:-
"I grew up in an emotionally abusive environment and genuinely find it hard to separate out normal behaviour from over the line, sometimes."

And you still do present day. Hence having a relationship and marrying this individual who is really another version, perhaps not so "bad" but this is still familiar to you and its after all what you know. I am not all that surprised either that given your own childhood experiences, you are in a relationship with a man like this. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you about relationships?. A whole load of crap and damaging lessons that you absorbed. All the adults in your childhood let you down abjectly and you are paying the price now. No-one adult in your life sadly thought it fit or even necessary to show you what an emotionally healthy relationship is like and you still do not know. What you have now with your H is not at all healthy either for you and in particular your children who could well go onto repeat this cycle of abuse in their own adult relationships. Is that what you want for them?. Some legacy that is to leave them.

Quartz's comments earlier to you also bear repeating:-
"johnny expressing uncontrollable anger is different from being allowed to express emotions and indeed having them. You simply cannot say he wont to your children because he doesn't have a handle on it. All of these situations show is that he cannot handle negative emotions or situations appropriately. Today with a different set of parents could have gotten massively out of hand - he unleashes on the wrong person/wrong environment and it could have catastrophic consequences. Today he came across people who were willing to calm it down - up against another person like him completely different story"

He has a problem with anger but really not in the ways you think. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

AM courses are no answer at all to domestic violence which is what this also is. Abuse is about power and control; not about communication or a perceived lack of. That is what your DH is showing you here; power and control over you, your kids and anyone else unfortunate enough to "cross" or otherwise "offend him". By association too, you are being dragged down with him.

Ultimately you need to leave and enlist the help of Womens Aid and a Solicitor to do so. The Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could help you no end and there is also a lot in your own past that needs unlearning too.

Ask yourself too this question - what are you getting out of this relationship now?.