Wise Mumsnetters - give me your opinion on this.

[HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving]

From your experience, can you please let me know what you think this is. I have my own opinions, but can't think clearly on it.

DH (48)

Says he is unhappy. Has been saying this for about 9 months and up until now has been unable to really articulate what it is he is unhappy with.
Says he is bored. This stems from DC now being a bit older and wanting to do their own thing, meet up with friends. When we were a bit younger we had an amazing social life where we lived before. He is bored with the DC not wanting to interact with him that much.
Long hours, long commute although he likes his job. Job stressful.
Has rewritten our relationship history. I remember us being very much in love and having a wonderful time for 2 decades plus. He doesn't remember this. Says we are just friends and not a couple anymore.
Says that although from the outside it looks like he has everything, he is unhappy.
Spent a good part of this year paying attention to his appearance and fitness.
Talked about how family life is really boring, where we live is boring.
Is affectionate with the DC a bit, but doesn't show me any compassion or affection whatsoever.
Doesn't want to come out with us as a family to do things e.g. learn a sport, see films on cinema (not talking Frozen, talking things like Star Wars).
Says he is thinking of leaving, but hasn't had the balls to do it.
Makes me think like it is all my fault when I know I have been a good mother and a very loving wife.
Talks a lot about our old life (where we lived) and how it was so much better. Think - lived in exciting city centre, now rural.

He basically ruined my 2019. I went to bed early dreading NY. My DC area upset and unhappy, I'm unhappy and now our family life is sliding. Whilst I went to bed miserable and with no hope, I woke up feeling that I need to call time on this.

Thing is, I need to understand what it is I am dealing with first.

Forgot one.

DH is quite materialist. He has to have the best of everything and collects things. He has a nice house, car etc. Apparently all this means nothing to him.

Sounds like a classic mid life crisis, but I don’t have any useful advice I’m afraid. Hope 2020 is better for you

Some of his behaviours are typical of a man who has met someone new - the rewriting of your marriage so that he suggests he was never really happy is a classic one.

I think there is a lot of communicating to be done here. At the moment it feels like no one is happy.

That is OK Milienhaus. I am not looking for advise on how to sort him out - yet. What I need is to have a clear idea in my head of what his problem is. Only then can I take steps to do something productive about it.

the rewriting of your marriage so that he suggests he was never really happy is a classic one

This hurts the most. I have always had lots of feedback over the years about what a great couple we are, how much he seemed to adore me, what a great family man and husband he is. Lots of my friends are a bit taken aback by this. It is kind of "he is the last man I would expect to do that". According to him though it looked like that from the outside, but it is not really the case.

Sure, we had out problems but nothing like any of my friends had or have. If anything, our relationship lacked drama. I know I loved him very much and I thought he felt the same way. Apparently he has been unhappy for a long time.

I don’t normally comment on Relationships but for some reason this made me very cross on your behalf. I’d tell him that having slept on it, I feel the relationship is clearly over - because of what he’s saying - and that you should divorce. If necessary, write a bullet pointed list of his complaints so if he starts to protest or prevaricate you can clearly say “but you actually said”. Then follow through, divorce, live your life as you want to. Who knows, you might find someone nicer to spend it with. And if not, you have your children and your freedom.
Oh and his problem is that he’s opted out of the marriage. It doesn’t really matter why. Trying to understand won’t help, it will just make you feel bad. Good luck.

He’s had his head turned by a younger single woman.

It’s not you, it’s him.

But from what you've posted, he's told you very clearly what the problem is. He's unhappy and bored and feels your relationship is companionate rather than romantic.

I know it hurts and I know it's shit, but nobody is required to stay in a relationship, for any reason.

Do you have time in the house when he's not there? I'd spend that time taking copies of payslips, pension statements etc and then arrange a solicitor's appointment asap. He's made it very clear he's got one foot out the door but wants you to be the "bad guy" because he hasn't got the bollocks.

I absolutely agree with your opinion.

Even, although his behaviour has declined over the past year, it is only very recently that he has communicated this to me. My questions have been unanswered, he has told me he's fine and there is nothing wrong and that he loves me dearly. All this has finally come out over the past few days. I've suspected it all though.

His unhappiness is not just our relationship. He doesn't like what his life looks like - wife, kids, animals, house and garden.

He's bored because your children are older and don't want to interact much, and yet he doesn't want to go out as a family to play a new sport or watch a new film.

He shows the children a little affection but none at all to you, and he's rewritten your relationship history.

He's spending a lot of time on himself, his appearance and fitness, after years of acquiring bigger and better toys like nice cars and yet they now mean nothing.

I'm sorry to say this. Your husband is a selfish man. You say that this has only become apparent over the last year but I'm thinking that this is not new, that he's always been selfish and that's why you feel you have to understand what is going on so you can do something about it. I'm guessing he's always expected you to carry the emotional load in this relationship and in this family. He's always expected you to fix his boredom or his irritation or his annoyance.

You need practical advice. You also need to work out what is best for you. And then tell him.

Maybe I’ve read too many mn posts but this screams another woman to me...:hopefully I’m wrong OP

I’d call his bluff
Pack his stuff and kick him out
Maybe he needs to see the grass is not greener on the other side
Maybe with him gone you and the kids can relax and be a happy family again
He’s using this dithering as a power / control thing enjoying how he makes u feel
So pull the rug out from under him and take control of your life back

Thanks Lily. What do you mean by practical advice. Sorry, I can't think straight.

My DH has done this before. About 16 years ago. It went on for about 9 months, then he did a massive U turn. At the time, when I was much younger and had no Mumsnet so I didn't know what it was all about.

He is very selfish and always has been. Or, is he just a man?

Oh yeah I forgot
Do waste any time trying to understand him
Spend your time trying to understand yourself ,and why you have put up with this shit ,to make sure no one treats you like this again
You are worth more x

Don’t ,not do

I don't think there is another woman, yet. I think it is possible he likes someone or his behaviour stems from feeling great at having his ego stroked possibly by lovely young ladies in the office where he is the boss.

I have no doubt in my mind that within a very short period of time my DH will be catting about town once single. That is OK, I no longer care.

Maybe with him gone you and the kids can relax and be a happy family again
Yet I'm scared to crack open this nut for fear of hurting them.

I'm also sure that losing his family will have a catastrophic effect on him. He's weak and he's selfish but he is someone who always had very strong values.

You wouldn't be hurting your children, his behaviour would. Call his bluff & tell him to leave.
We all get "bored"at times that is life but bloody hell we work at our relationships.
Hard as it is, be strong & stop letting him take the piss out of you. X

It does sound like a midlife crisis and maybe considering seeking out an affair, even if he's not had one yet.

The think that made me pause was the reference to moving out of the city into the countryside. There have been a few threads on here lately by people who've made the decision to do that, then hatred it and bitterly regretted the decision. Could that be anything to do with it?

Either way, would you consider couples counseling? A cliche I know but it does help open up communication.

You wouldn't be hurting your children, his behaviour would

I need to get this through to my own thick head. This is what is preventing me from being strong. That they would turn on me and say "you told him to leave" and now our lives are shit and it is all your fault.

He's bored. This is so f*cking pathetic. I don't want to out ourselves but we have had the most amazing life up to date. Anyone else would kill for it.

Cherchez la femme. He's at least got someone in mind. Classic signs.

OP it really isn’t you, it’s him. This is classic midlife crisis script behaviour

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

Firstly, stop thinking you need to empathise with him to resolve this. You've been doing this for years and look where this got you. What you need to do is a relationship 180. Google it!

I say this a lot, but it's true, dont keep doing the same thing and expect different results

You need to tell him his behaviour isn't acceptable and get him on the back foot, not you.

I also strongly suspect there is an OW in the background. Whether emotional or full blown, someone has turned his head.

Dont accept this, don't be treated like this and do not allow this selfish man treat your kids like this. Strap on your big girl pants, find all documents you'll need, get several appointments with every solicitor (stops him doing so!) and take control.

Leave him floundering like an out of water cod. You can do this.

When I said practical advice, I meant go and see a solicitor so that you know where you stand legally if he leaves or if you decide enough is enough and tell him to leave. Another poster suggested that you gather up documents about his income, savings and pension and take them with you. I think that's very good advice.

Going to see a solicitor doesn't mean you have to end your marriage. However, I think it would help you to feel stronger about dealing with this because you will know exactly what your options are. The knowledge itself is a source of power - and I'm afraid that in dealing with this weak and selfish man, you have no choice but to be the strong one.

Once you know your legal rights, you can think take your time to think carefully about what is best for you and for your children - and lay it all out to him. It doesn't sound as though he is going anywhere anytime soon. What he is hoping is that you will make the decision, one way or another.

That time 16 years ago? You know what that was. And I'm sorry. It must have caused you great hurt then. It will still hurt now. No wonder you can't think straight.

Unfortunately, you are the adult in this relationship - not least because you are the only one trying to keep a family life together for the sake of your children - and now you have to deal with your man-child of a husband too.

So, please, see a solicitor, take the financial information, establish your legal rights, think things through, make the decision that's best for you and your children, and then sit the man-child down and spell out his options to him. He's got a lot to lose if he's not careful.

The best of luck to you 💐