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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wise Mumsnetters - give me your opinion on this.

67 replies

HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 07:25

From your experience, can you please let me know what you think this is. I have my own opinions, but can't think clearly on it.

DH (48)

Says he is unhappy. Has been saying this for about 9 months and up until now has been unable to really articulate what it is he is unhappy with.
Says he is bored. This stems from DC now being a bit older and wanting to do their own thing, meet up with friends. When we were a bit younger we had an amazing social life where we lived before. He is bored with the DC not wanting to interact with him that much.
Long hours, long commute although he likes his job. Job stressful.
Has rewritten our relationship history. I remember us being very much in love and having a wonderful time for 2 decades plus. He doesn't remember this. Says we are just friends and not a couple anymore.
Says that although from the outside it looks like he has everything, he is unhappy.
Spent a good part of this year paying attention to his appearance and fitness.
Talked about how family life is really boring, where we live is boring.
Is affectionate with the DC a bit, but doesn't show me any compassion or affection whatsoever.
Doesn't want to come out with us as a family to do things e.g. learn a sport, see films on cinema (not talking Frozen, talking things like Star Wars).
Says he is thinking of leaving, but hasn't had the balls to do it.
Makes me think like it is all my fault when I know I have been a good mother and a very loving wife.
Talks a lot about our old life (where we lived) and how it was so much better. Think - lived in exciting city centre, now rural.

He basically ruined my 2019. I went to bed early dreading NY. My DC area upset and unhappy, I'm unhappy and now our family life is sliding. Whilst I went to bed miserable and with no hope, I woke up feeling that I need to call time on this.

Thing is, I need to understand what it is I am dealing with first.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 01/01/2020 08:40

He's bored. Everything thinks he's got the perfect life but that's boring.

I agree with PPs who said he's having a midlife crisis and, if you're willing to actually follow through, call his bluff. He's said he'd leave if he had the balls so pack his things and wave him off.

If he starts crying and blah blah then the alternative is he checks back in to family life and suggests some things HE would like to do.

Then the two of you would need to spend time together doing things that would get the fun back into your relationship, not just being parents and bill payers.

If he loves you dearly he needs to learn to respect you.

borntobequiet · 01/01/2020 08:44

Mumsnet wisdom seems pretty clear on this OP. You only have one life. Take control of it and make it yours.

MaidenMotherCrone · 01/01/2020 08:54

I'd put money on him having some kind of affair and 16 years ago the same thing too.

He's checked out of family life and rewritten history. Classic signs.

I'm sure if you read the cheaters script a lot of it would apply to him.

Elfnsafe1y · 01/01/2020 08:55

His head has been turned -possibly younger person so he relives his 30s in his mind, also talks of a life in the fun city where he had a good social life. But I would make sure any discussions include his time with the DCs. He can't dump you and them and start a 'single' life again. They will spend regular time with him if you separate. And he needs to know that.

Tooner · 01/01/2020 09:05

Wow he's taking the piss. Being all negative about your family, relationship, lives and you're just expected to sit there and take it. What a selfish shit he is.

Give him a kick up the arse and tell him you want him to leave. I would be explaining to the kids that you have done nothing wrong and he is the one who is unhappy and wants to leave. Sounds like your house will be a much happier place if he wasn't in it, sucking the joy out of everything.

Gutterton · 01/01/2020 09:10

He is forcing YOU to end the marriage so that YOU carry the emotional weight and blame and he gets to save his reputation and after 6 months the “new” GF will pop up.

Really sorry but this is staring you right in the face.

He sounds a bit arrogant, entitled and deluded. Especially around the DCs and them having outward-looking independent social lives (well done OP on raising kids like this) - he just wants them to adore him and give him their undivided attention.

Maybe his career and material success is hollow and he has little meaning in life as he is not emotionally investing in his wife or children.

Have you carried all of the emotional burden in the RS and family. Have you done all of the problem solving so he just has to rock up to family life?

Does he have any solutions to his boredom or is that another issue for you to fix?

What is his career plan - what are your life goals?

Don’t chase him - do the opposite - do the 180 - just emotionally detach from him in your head - see if that shakes him up - if not then you are well on your way to a new chapter in your life.

Jemmy360 · 01/01/2020 09:11

You've had some fantastic advice here, OP. I hope you take it. You are worth more. It sounds like he's been selfish throughout your marriage, and this dithering about on his part is him wanting you to fix it, because you always fix things for him.
Whatever you decide, he needs a wake up call.
Good luck

Prettyvase · 01/01/2020 09:15

Once you have got all the financial evidence you need and had your initial solicitor appointment start preparing him for single life because you are going to remain your dignity because you will only be treated well by him so remind him when his behaviour is unacceptable.

Stop doing his laundry, cooking and cleaning up for him.

Remain amicable and detach as he has done. Do not enable his selfish behaviour for a second longer.

Here's to a peaceful and positive 2020 op, get the power back and never ever cowtow to a spoilt and selfish man. Remember both your behaviours are role models for your children so remind him of that.

Please don't allow this man to warp your DC's idea of how an adult man should behave.

Tell him outright his selfish behaviour ended in 2019 you have zero tolerance for it and if he can't be a good role model move out as you will not allow his selfishness to impact negatively on others.

Good luck op Wine

ConfCall · 01/01/2020 09:25

I suspect a failed affair 16 years ago OP and I think that it’s likely that he’s met someone recently too. Not necessarily younger and single, in fact she could be married and unwilling to commit to him - but anyway, she doesn’t matter. He’s the one you need to deal with, not her. Legal advice is the starting point as others have said.

Your children won’t blame you. They’re not fools presumably, they’ve lived with him too and know how he’s been acting.

FeigningHorror · 01/01/2020 09:39

Does it matter particularly whether he’s had an affair or not? A friend of mine recently ended his marriage on very similar grounds, but there’s no one else — he just hates what his life has become. I think he’s quite mad to make three other people desperately unhappy because he’s bored and stifled, but months of Relate sessions didn’t change his mind, and he’s left. The difference is that he recognises it’s not his wife’s fault, and he has ended things, not tried to provoke her into doing so.

FinallyHere · 01/01/2020 09:42

He is very selfish and always has been. Or, is he just a man?

Oh, lovely, he is just a pathetic excuse for a human being. You have been carrying the emotional load for so long that you don't even notice it any more.

As a general rule, though, If anyone tells you that they are unhappy in the relationship and only staying with you because they do not have what it takes to leave, it's a good idea to throw them out, for your own self respect.

It's much better for your children to see you sticking up for yourself that just taking whatever he throws at you.

As others have suggested, there may be someone else he is interested in. The important part that he is not interested in his current family, and you so best get rid.

Your life will get better and better. Start by getting yourself to a position of strength by getting clear on the legal position

All the very best.

Original poster
HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 09:56

Yes, a failed affair. Not sure if it went sexual but it was definitely emotional at the very least. One minute madly in love, the next acting like he is now. I recognise it this time round. I don't think that he has a tangible new romance. He's not met her yet. I think he wants a different life, one where he is flitting around on planes, staying at flashy hotels on a nice beach. This was our life when we were younger and married no DC.

I want that life too but there is time for that once my DC leave for uni. We jointly have the means to do that. Right now we have a job to do that is bringing up our 2 lovely DC who are so much fun and joy. They do their own thing but they are also real home lovers too. He's got everything but he's not happy.

Thanks for all the responses. I thought it was the case that he wants to be single/ having a MLC but I needed to hear it reinforced as not thinking clearly.

I know what I am going to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 09:59

I don't care if he's having an affair. She isn't going to have the life that we had together. That is a fact. I've had his best years.

OP posts:
Original poster
HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 10:01

Sorry for drip feed.

Had chat this morning. He's retracted some things he's said. He now denies saying our marriage was bad, that he said it's looks good from outside but it's not.

Think if I chuck him out es going to deny his actions.

OP posts:
heyday · 01/01/2020 10:04

Sounds like he is in a rut and something needs to change but he doesn't know what and he doesn't know how. Perhaps moving away from city life has made a huge negative impact on him. He is possibly looking in the mirror and seeing his youth slipping away. You need to sit down and talk and really listen to each other. He probably loves you dearly but the passion has gone. He has lost his way and needs to find a way forward and you need to know where you stand but in all likelihood he is in the midst of a mid life crisis and just doesn't know how to make things better.

borntobequiet · 01/01/2020 10:06

That mid life crisis link on the previous page is well worth a look. Seriously.

TwentyViginti · 01/01/2020 10:13

Think if I chuck him out es going to deny his actions

So what? YOU know he had an affair years ago and is more than likely having or seeking one now.

Mischance · 01/01/2020 10:14

Whatever you do, please do not absorb the idea that this is your fault. He has a problem; one that you inevitably share as his partner, but it is not your fault.

Original poster
HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 10:22

This thread has really helped me.
For months I've torn myself apart asking why I'm not good enough, why I make him miserable.

Today I feel euphoric. I feel set free. I don't know why.

OP posts:
NaughtyLittleElf · 01/01/2020 10:33

He is forcing YOU to end the marriage so that YOU carry the emotional weight and blame and he gets to save his reputation and after 6 months the “new” GF will pop up This 1000%. I've lived this, my exH was desperate for me to end the marriage or at least push me to a point where I'd agree to end it mutually, turns out I have bigger balls, hideous though.

Original poster
HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving · 01/01/2020 10:37

Did your DC (if any) blame you?

OP posts:
midep · 01/01/2020 10:38

Just another sad middle aged man chasing his lost youth.

Happy new decade OP, make it count.

PicsInRed · 01/01/2020 10:41

The others have said everything but, yes, affair.

Get a good solicitor and the most financial settlement legally possible. The fact the he has already written 2 decades of marital happiness out of his personal story tells me that he's just the sort to turn nasty at financial negotiation.

Reading your posts, OP, you're a perceptive, resilient and clever woman. He's a middle aged man-mush. You're going to be just fine. As you so adroitly put it, you've had his best years. She'll get the crumbly, whingy carer years. That's her punishment served. His punishment, of course, is that he must continue to be him, stuck with himself, forever. Yuck. 🤨😉

Stoic123 · 01/01/2020 10:41

The sense of freedom comes from understanding that you have choices and can be an active player in this scenario....regaining your power.

Yes- you can stop carrying the emotional load for both of you.

All the best - I think you are going to be just fine either way.

Hidingtonothing · 01/01/2020 10:45

That's good to hear OP, it's definitely time to take back some control and stop letting him dictate how this plays out. I think you're right, especially based on this mornings chat, that he will deny his recent actions and try to backtrack on his 'our marriage is so awful' rhetoric. I would answer that with 'so you're not bored? You don't hate your life with me and DC after all? So you've put me through all this pain and anguish for no real reason? Well I don't think I can be with someone who could do that to me so I'd like you to leave.'

If anyone ever deserved to have the tables turned on him it's this man OP. You're right, you are free, you don't have to carry the responsibility he's tried to put on you to 'fix' everything, tell him to fix it, or fuck off, but you're not listening to him moan anymore Flowers