Wise Mumsnetters - give me your opinion on this.

[HesDefinatelyMaybeLeaving]

From your experience, can you please let me know what you think this is. I have my own opinions, but can't think clearly on it.

DH (48)

Says he is unhappy. Has been saying this for about 9 months and up until now has been unable to really articulate what it is he is unhappy with.
Says he is bored. This stems from DC now being a bit older and wanting to do their own thing, meet up with friends. When we were a bit younger we had an amazing social life where we lived before. He is bored with the DC not wanting to interact with him that much.
Long hours, long commute although he likes his job. Job stressful.
Has rewritten our relationship history. I remember us being very much in love and having a wonderful time for 2 decades plus. He doesn't remember this. Says we are just friends and not a couple anymore.
Says that although from the outside it looks like he has everything, he is unhappy.
Spent a good part of this year paying attention to his appearance and fitness.
Talked about how family life is really boring, where we live is boring.
Is affectionate with the DC a bit, but doesn't show me any compassion or affection whatsoever.
Doesn't want to come out with us as a family to do things e.g. learn a sport, see films on cinema (not talking Frozen, talking things like Star Wars).
Says he is thinking of leaving, but hasn't had the balls to do it.
Makes me think like it is all my fault when I know I have been a good mother and a very loving wife.
Talks a lot about our old life (where we lived) and how it was so much better. Think - lived in exciting city centre, now rural.

He basically ruined my 2019. I went to bed early dreading NY. My DC area upset and unhappy, I'm unhappy and now our family life is sliding. Whilst I went to bed miserable and with no hope, I woke up feeling that I need to call time on this.

Thing is, I need to understand what it is I am dealing with first.

I felt like me ending our marriage was like constructive dismissal- he backed me into a corner with his horrible behaviour and either denied it or expected me to put up with it.
Which I did for years,now I am finally out I have worries but feel so free, away from the gaslighting and lies.
The children know what he’s like, they totally understand why I divorced him. They love him because he’s their Dad. They miss their old home, but love our new one.
Get your paperwork together, if he’s materialistic he will almost certainly lie and hide assets- forensic accountant might be appropriate.
I also think there is another woman lined up.
Good luck for 2020

Oh and the advice to see multiple solicitors is spot on, any that you've already seen won't then be able to represent your H so it limits his choice of decent solicitors.

You are already sounding stronger, OP, thank goodness, even if you won't always feel it.

Your only responsibility right now is to your children and yourself.
Pin that thought to the very top of your mind and work on that principle alone.
Do what you have to do to give your children and yourself the best outcomes at every level.

He's only thinking of himself. As usual. Not your concern.

Absolutely go and see your first choice solicitor ASAP even a free half hour basic appointment will prevent your H from using them and you'll get some good information on process at least.

His unhappiness is not just our relationship. He doesn't like what his life looks like - wife, kids, animals, house and garden

Urgh I think men who start with this sort of irresponsible rubbish should have to pay a fine or a surtax on their tax for being fucking wankers.

He is trying to get out the responsibilities he clearly took on. It takes two to make children, get married etc.

Maybe you should walk out and leave him to the life he co-created with you? The way men think that they can just walk away from the responsibilities they willingly took on. Words cannot do justice to how despicable such men are.

Caveat: I may be projecting a tad. I can still remember when I was16 my father walking in to the house and yelling at us for the mess (our mother was away at the time) and saying "This is so different from whereI've just been."

Where he'd just been was his mistress's house. She - 30 something, without children and an artist. Fuckers, the both of them.

My father pretty much checked out of the family at that point, although my parents' marriage limped on for another 15 years. I don't see him much now. Reap -> sow.

No none of my DC blamed me. They said it's shown them the sort of men they don't want to be and the type of father they don't want to be.

A friend of mine recently ended his marriage on very similar grounds, but there’s no one else — he just hates what his life has become

But you know - he helped make that life .... and I'm guessing it's the ex-wife who's left doing the majority of the grunt work of raising the children, feeding them etc etc etc.

I do find men who do this just despicable. Nobody is forced to marry and father children - well, not in this country anyway.

@Dolorabelle, yes absolutely, and believe me, I have voiced that opinion frankly and directly on a regular basis. And as he’s about to share care of two demanding young children on a 50/50 basis, I’ve also pointed out that his life is about to get busier and more complicated, as he has literally almost never had to think about school drop offs and after school pick-ups and how to combine this with his commute etc.

Oh FeigningHorror sorry - I was making a general point and you were referring to a specific friend. Apologies for appearing to condemn him specifically. At least your friend had the guts to do something about his life rather than blaming it on his ex-wife and good for you to point out the facts of adult life to him! (I have a colleague who has behaved in much this way, and he too has to do more of the day to day childcare which he kept on moaning about).

I do think it's a pattern of behaviour, though, which leaves many women totally high & dry. like the OP - because mostly women can't conceive of walking out on their children, while men seem to be able to do it with shocking ease. We live in a society that condones this, but shames women who do the same.

So good for you for telling your friend like it is!

He has checked out of the marriage and wants you to do the heavy lifting of ending it. You can make this choice if you want to or you can check out of the marriage too, making sure you have a good Solicitor at your back and are on top of all the finances. Don't sleep with him and don't do wife work for him but stay friendly if you can and continue ordinary life for your DCs. He does not have to control this narrative, you can.

What would be your ideal world outcome? Would you ideally want to stay together (and for him to stop being a twat), or would you ideally want to split up?

Just wondering if there's any compromise whatsoever in injecting some more adventure into your lives- eg if you both loved travelling could you plan a big exciting holiday for your family? But obviously not if deep down you don't want to be with him. X

Mid life crisis op... if u think the relationship is salvageable , just hold on and be supportive even if u don't feel like it. Do put ursf first. If he is a good nut, he will slowly come out of it. You cant rush him Though . Men during crisis are like dealing with children. Im just about coming out from my dps midlife crisis .... i didnt think wed make it.... but things are getting better... thanks to my patience and diligence

Oxford, right now if he did a massive U turn and made it up to me I'd say it was just one of a few bad times endured in our long marriage.

Improve. Does some of the things I've said relate to your experience with your DH. What kind of things did he say? What is disorienting me is that our marriage was not perfect, like others, but it was pretty good. However, he is focusing on the flaws in our marriage and making them the reason for his decision which makes me think that it's all been a sham and a lie. These flaws are no less than what I hear from my friends and their marriages.

Also, had an OK day yesterday as he was upset and I thought he was beginning to see that he was totally acting like a b'stard. Today though he's being a complete knob. Tried talking, he gaslights me, says I am putting words in his mouth, that he's not said things he has. Kids are upset and staying in rooms. He's downstairs laughing with mates on phone. I'm stressed out.

I don't have a great job and I'll be a bit broke but seriously, he's a knob.

Need strength.

You need insight and clarity first - the strength will follow.

Pan back to watch his actions, moods, and words. Reflect back over the past year - list out what happened, when and where and how this made you feel. Look for patterns and cycles. Predict when the next round is due and once that happens listen to your gut and ask yourself why should I do this on repeat day in day out. It will emotionally erode you - that’s what’s sapping your strength.

Others have much wiser words than me OP, but I just wanted to say how incredibly selfish he's being. It's all "me, me, me" isn't it?

What about what YOU want? Or your children?? Are you all supposed to tiptoe around him while HE makes his decision whether to "allow" you to remain part of his life?! You've definitely called him right - knob.

Use this time to decide what's best for YOU. Your children are upset - they clearly know something's going on. Will they be happier if you separate, just because you're happier and there's no frosty atmosphere in the house?

Or perhaps the most important question now is: do you want to continue a relationship with him? Can you see yourself with him for the next 20 years? If the answer to that is no, then best to end it now so you both have a shot at a happier life.

Good luck OP.

This seems like a typical mid-life crisis. I imagine if he is boss of company he is getting his ego boosted in work (not necessarily an affair) as it is amazing how power is an attractive trait to some people. As previous poster said I would spend a little bit of time thinking about what do YOU want out of life. I imagine if your H was treating you nicely you would have the perfect life for you. However it sounds like for your H family life is no longer enough for him. He sounds like an absolute knob however if he is genuinely unhappy in his marriage he is allowed to say it. I genuinely wished my XH had said it rather than having an affair for 4 years then rolling out the I was unhappy excuse. However, what your H can't do is tell you he unhappy but make no attempt to resolve this and treat you badly. He sounds completely and utterly selfish. Can you go away for a few days either on your own or with the children. Give yourself time to think about what you want. It may also give him the wake up call to realise what he has to lose and he may change. However, if he doesnt do you want to stay in this relationship as it is? Looking back my XH changed into a person I didn't admire. He had similar traits to your H materialistic and selfish. I am well shot of him and I now say I am so glad he had an affair as I would have had a miserable life ahead of me.