It’s NYE and my husband’s just decided to tell me he wants to break up

[Chocochick]

I’m bereft but not really surprised as such. We’ve been having problems for the last 2 years and returned yesterday from a week away with our two DC (7 and 5). Things were often frosty and I can’t deny that I’ve been fantasising about separating for a while. He’d already suggested it before when I had a go at him about his drinking.
And yet, the fact that he decided to drop the bomb tonight has completely blindsided me. I’m in bits and he is so cold and detached, just factually listing all the reasons why he is miserable and doesn’t feel it’s worth trying.
I’m not from the UK and the plan has always been to emigrate in 3-4 years time. I feel that my whole future has just collapsed. I feel numb and so upset about his detachment and distant approach. He is treating this like a transaction and has it all worked out in his head.
I’ve said I’d like to try again but he is adamant it’s not worth it. Need some hand holding please...

It's one thing to dream about faraway hills and another thing altogether to find yourself on a train hurtling toward them with no suitcase packed and no idea how long you'll be among them.

Yes, but new year, new decade. Your relationship is about 2 years dead. What better time to end it? Blindsided my arse.

@midsomermurderess keep your unhelpful comments to yourself.

Genuinely shocked at the callousness of some posts on this thread.

OP I hope you managed to get some sleep. If you need some soothing words today, I recommend looking up the poem 'Desiderata'. 💐

I ended my marriage 14 months ago. I was pretty detached on the surface but it still broke my heart.

Assuming your husband is a decent enough guy then sit down with him and ask how he wants to go from here. Are you going to live together until divorce? What sort of financial split does he have in mind? What sort of kid split does he want?

You should get legal advice but if you can find an amicable solution together that would help.

Ex and I are friendly, I enjoy my kid free time, DD ;age 8) is fine and happy.

I know he’ll do the right thing financially but thinking of not seeing my boys when he’ll have them is devastating

Get a lawyer and make sure you have your rights covered (just in case !)

Also try and think of the time he has kids as YOU time . Time to exercise , declutter , meet friends , go on dates , sleep , watch Netflix . The list could go in and on

I am looking forward to the school holidays (when my ex has mine ) already , single parenting is tiring

I know your heart is sore . And nothing can cheer you up right now . But you’ll be OK

Thank you. I did manage to cry myself to sleep. He stayed up until God knows when (drinking of course), then eventually came to bed and he’s still asleep. I can’t stop crying and feel torn between really wanting to push on for a reconciliation of sorts (my emotional side) and just accept it’s not been working for too long, be rational and find a consensual way to separate amicably. Either way, the pain is so raw. My youngest asked why I’m crying and whether I had a bad dream so I had to go along with that and he’s been comforting me. I know they will be ok but both my H and I come from broken families and I was so desperate to buck the trend.
I know it’s pointless to try to flog a dead horse, though.
I am a preschool teacher and work until 3 so I can pick up the boys from school. My salary is low and won’t cover rent+bills, etc. I know there’s nobody else in the picture but there may well be soon so I am keen to get everything in writing ASAP.
It will be painful but maybe it is a blessing in disguise that he’s done what he’s done and hopefully one day I will be able to look back and see it that way.

I'm sorry for your pain, Chocochick. Even when we plan for something it's still like having the rug pulled from under you when the plan is upset.

You know your husband and, if he's mutually unhappy then that's positive in a way because he (hopefully) won't be vindictive and unreasonable given that this was 'his idea'. I think there's something about New Year's Eve that encourages a 'clean sweep', that's how it is for me anyway, it's not a celebration and if you think of it in those terms it may help you.

I know you feel cold and panic stricken about your boys but, if your husband is generally a good father (in spite of his drinking) then what's to stop him continuing to be a good father?

It's a very good idea of yours to get everything agreed and nailed down in writing now rather than later. This was his idea so let him be magnanimous in victory/guilt/whatever, if it's to the benefit of you and your boys.

Emigration plans can wait until life is simpler and you know how things are working in reality.

Best wishes to you for your new life. It will be great. Better than this.

I know it must feel awful & raw but I think he has done this rather than pretend to be happy on a day meant to. E about new beginnings. I was the one to instigate my split and each occasion was horrible leading up, the pretence of happy families, future plans etc. I think it would have been worse celebrating yesterday, any talk of plans, midnight kisses etc and then him speaking up days later.

I also was very cold & detached to protect myself. It doesn’t mean he won’t care.

I’m with @Durgasarrow, could be this is actually a positive time for this to happen. Don’t confuse the natural fear of change for thinking that winning him back is a good path.

Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

I had that written down and referred to it so often. It got me through some very difficult and painful times of my life. It's an excellent maxim to live by.

I also agree with SunsetYorks, pretence and feigning contentment is no way to live and it's not authentic. It's also not sustainable, that's why relationships end.

You can and will get this, Chocochick, ending a relationship closes a chapter but it doesn't shut the book and you will be happy again.

I spoke to my friend this morning, who’s also a therapist, and it was very helpful. She advised me to think of it as a reshuffle of the terms in our relationship and not a failure of the “happy family” model which very rarely exists.
We’ve talked and agreed to move forward towards an amicable separation. He says he’ll get a flat nearby soon and we can talk about arrangements this evening. I do think deep down that it is for the best but until the best arrives, it is simply horrible and painful.

Don't chase after him OP. Time to be detached, grit your teeth and try your best to keep it together. Worst thing in you can do is chase after a man! Usually causes them to run even faster in the opposite direction. Keep your cool.