It’s NYE and my husband’s just decided to tell me he wants to break up

[Chocochick]

I’m bereft but not really surprised as such. We’ve been having problems for the last 2 years and returned yesterday from a week away with our two DC (7 and 5). Things were often frosty and I can’t deny that I’ve been fantasising about separating for a while. He’d already suggested it before when I had a go at him about his drinking.
And yet, the fact that he decided to drop the bomb tonight has completely blindsided me. I’m in bits and he is so cold and detached, just factually listing all the reasons why he is miserable and doesn’t feel it’s worth trying.
I’m not from the UK and the plan has always been to emigrate in 3-4 years time. I feel that my whole future has just collapsed. I feel numb and so upset about his detachment and distant approach. He is treating this like a transaction and has it all worked out in his head.
I’ve said I’d like to try again but he is adamant it’s not worth it. Need some hand holding please...

@Lifecraft are you for real?? How unsympathetic can you be?

OP, I'm sorry you're hurting. You will get through this. I don't have any useful advice I'm afraid but having looked at your thread I couldn't not comment on the bizarrely heartless posts by the aforementioned poster.

What a terrible shock for you.

In time you might be pleased he's brought things to a head. But you need time to take it in first and think about all the ramifications of it for you and your family.

Take it easy OP over the next few days while you get to grips with it all.

@Lifecraft. We are only half an hour into the New Year and you’re already testing my New Years resolution! There’s just no need to be so horrible to someone whose life is falling apart around her. Just NO need.

@Chocochick (((HUG))). Please try to ignore the less than helpful posters.
It’s shit timing definitely. There’s no ‘good’ tine, but there are definitely ‘less shitty’ times to be told this.

Tomorrow is soon enough to be dealing with the practicalities (first step, find yourself a bloody good solicitor)

Tonight just look after yourself & try to get some sleep.

Your boys will be fine after the initial upset x

We can talk practicalities tomorrow, but for tonight just try to sleep x

Thank you so much for your support. The conversation carried on and although he does speak many truths in terms of how unfulfilled we both are and how unlikely it is to change significantly in the future, the thought of facing up to the heartbreak and pain ahead is suffocating right now.
I know he’ll do the right thing financially but thinking of not seeing my boys when he’ll have them is devastating.
I know many people are in this situation and they manage to cope. At the moment it is so very overwhelming.

When I left my XH, I acted very detached and business like as well. It was a coping mechanism. Just because I knew it was time to end the marriage didn’t mean it wasn’t destroying me to do so.

God, yes, instead of thinking, 'Well, it's as much my responsibility to support my family on my own two feet as it is my ex H's, what can I do to get more work to do this and discuss childcare split with my ex'. Especially now, because you really, truly do not want to be reliant on UC, the paradigm has changed, fueled in part by swinging cuts because sadly all too often the first port of call when things went wrong in life for people was to wonder what they could get out of the welfare state.

At any rate, you need professional legal advice as you will be looking at divorce with property (I'm assuming) and children from a high earner.

Bloody hell some really unkind responses. Of course anyone is going to be worried about how they'll manage financially. OP is in a vulnerable position. Some people seem totally emotionally illiterate. Even if a break up is expected and for the best long term it's still a shock when it happens particularly on a day that's supposed to be a celebration. I think he should have waited until the festive period was over.

Realistically unless you have an established career you're never going to find a job which covers childcare. If her DH is working fulltime he's not going to cover childcare so OP needs to find a job which will cover £2k nursery fees, after school club fees, and provide rent and food. It's just never going to happen so she'll need financial support.

It's so idiotic that people have a go at the woman for not financially supporting herself and kids and not the man for not physically supporting them.

He’s saved you the effort.
Of course it hurts and the rug has been pulled. But on the plus side you get “you” back again. You are not half of something. It’s fantastic you and the world is yours for the taking. You haven’t lost.

There are some really insensitive fools commenting on this thread. OP please ignore the idiots, it's the last thing you need. Just try to take care of yourself, big decisions and life planing can wait until tomorrow

Suprised you are getting such a hard time on here OP. Even if you know things aren't good being told by DH that its over is a huge shock.
Could someone have the children so you can talk.
Get Specialist legal advice. You say you are not from UK so may need immigration advice aswell as divorce depending on legal status here.
Best wishes.

It's so idiotic that people have a go at the woman for not financially supporting herself and kids and not the man for not physically supporting them.

Which no one is. Both parties are responsible for support of the children and courts are increasingly recognising this. That is what is realistic. More and more couples are also going for 50/50 contact arrangements.

The financial support that was juicy tax credits and supported one person to work only 16 hours/week are long, long gone.

It is therefore best to approach not first the state but your solicitor for a good financial settlement. AND to seek to work as much as possible to stand on your own two feet because that is what is expected now.

There is never a Good time to end a relationship
It’s always painful and always shit

As you said you have been fantasising about it , try and hold onto that . That you wanted it over . And it is .

You will get through this . It’s not easy .

I would say ‘ok’ and then get your affairs in order and get yourself one step ahead
On every single aspect legally and financially

Sorry - and this time next year I hope it will be all over xxxx

OP, ignore the needless comments. What a shit thing to happen on New Year’s Eve when people try and focus on positive things ahead. And it’s understandable that you’ve been immediately wondering how you will cope financially. There’s nothing ‘tellingly British’ about that.

I have no advice but wishing you strength for the new year to get through this, which you will.

New year isn't even two hours old and some people are already determined to be awful I see.

OP the timing sucks but in a year you'll be grateful that 2020 was a year of new beginnings instead of a protracted ending.

Talking is a good idea. Just because he's decided he wants out and you've known deep down it was on the cards doesn't mean it can't happen in a way that works for both of you. Figure out your financial and immigration positions. Was he interested in emigrating? Would he still be up for it if you went over as a couple but then split once you had leave wherever you plan to go? It's worth finding out. The worst he could say is no and you're back where you are now.

Just sending a hand hold.

Find a good solicitor.
I hate to say this, but don't assume anything wrt child support/H doing the right thing, especially if there is someone else in his life.

A big fat 'shame on you' to those casting aspersions on a woman wondering how she will make ends meet now that she is facing loss of the primary wage.

You're in fine form tonight Lifecraft

I think some people just treat all threads as though they're posted in Fight Club AIBU.

This is the RELATIONSHIPS board - generally supposed to be more supportive and less fucking unsympathetic.

Thoughts of how to support oneself will cover ALL areas - if one doesn't already have a job, then there is a process to go through to get one, and in the meantime there has to be some sort of financial support! If the husband is unwilling then there aren't many other options. Doesn't mean the OP is automatically looking to the state for support, just making sure she's got whatever cover she will need.

NYE IS a spectacularly shit time to be told everything is changing - of course there are others that are just as bad, but that doesn't diminish the fact that a supposedly-joyous occasion has just been trashed for the OP.

It does sound as though he's been working up to it for a while, and to be honest, NYE is definitely a better option (inasmuch as it could be) than, say, Christmas Eve/Day to drop the bomb.

Your DC will be ok eventually, largely depending on how you both handle it. I do get why you're so taken aback though - I'm guessing you thought you had the choice here, and now it's been removed from you, and it hurts. Because you were prepared to soldier on, and he's not.

Get to a solicitor for advice, get paperwork organised and work towards making this as painless as possible. You can do it, you know - once the shock of having your choice removed has worn off, you will probably agree that this was the best way forward for both of you.

Be aware that there may be another woman on the horizon - there often (not always!) is. And that will have an impact on how the finances go, so get a financial agreement within as short a time as possible, preferably the first 6 weeks, as after that the guilt he feels will start to wear off and he'll dig his heels in more.

Good luck - and see this as a new start for you as well.

He probably can't face another year of the unfulfilling marriage, so wants to enter 2020 with it off his chest.

Some people are being very goady and unpleasant tonight. Even if you know there are major problems and you might daydream about splitting up the actual cold hard reality of it still flipping hurts. It’s a scary time when you have kids, of course the first thing you worry about is how to keep a roof over their head and food in their bellies.

Agree you need a solicitor, hopefully it’ll be an amicable split and you can develop a parenting relationship that puts the kids needs first. That’s all for the future though, wishing you the strength to get through the next few weeks once the shock has worn off.

...because sadly all too often the first port of call when things went wrong in life for people was to wonder what they could get out of the welfare state.

Well yes. This is probably because many men leaving wives and children simply refused to pay a penny in support and the state refused to compel them to.

It's still the case that women and children get shafted by irresponsible men, only now they are forced to experience real want before miserly state support becomes available. There is no free legal aid available for women seeking to present a case in court against someone who has skipped off into the sunset, or someone who sends intermittent payments, or someone who has an accountant to hide their income. It's cheaper and easier to come to a voluntary arrangement on finances but this is possible only if the paying party co-operates.

This laughable piece of BS comes from the Citizens Advice site:
If you have a voluntary arrangement and you’re struggling with the maintenance you get from your ex-partner, you could try talking to them and explaining why you need more money.
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/financial-support-when-you-separate/

I am very sorry OP.

You have suffered greatly as a result of his alcoholism. You and your boys deserve a happy and peaceful life.

In a weird way, this is actually a great day for this to happen. Let this be a year of change and growth. Let this be the year that you stop carrying the useless illusion that a dead relationship can be revived, and find yourself a new dream that is all yours. This is the end. This is the beginning of the wonderful, happy woman you will become. It starts today.

If things have been bad for over 2 years and you have been fantasising about leaving him, how, with, as they say, all due respect, has it blindsided you? Was it not just a matter of time?