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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s NYE and my husband’s just decided to tell me he wants to break up

63 replies

Chocochick · 31/12/2019 22:34

I’m bereft but not really surprised as such. We’ve been having problems for the last 2 years and returned yesterday from a week away with our two DC (7 and 5). Things were often frosty and I can’t deny that I’ve been fantasising about separating for a while. He’d already suggested it before when I had a go at him about his drinking.
And yet, the fact that he decided to drop the bomb tonight has completely blindsided me. I’m in bits and he is so cold and detached, just factually listing all the reasons why he is miserable and doesn’t feel it’s worth trying.
I’m not from the UK and the plan has always been to emigrate in 3-4 years time. I feel that my whole future has just collapsed. I feel numb and so upset about his detachment and distant approach. He is treating this like a transaction and has it all worked out in his head.
I’ve said I’d like to try again but he is adamant it’s not worth it. Need some hand holding please...

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 31/12/2019 22:40

Will you be ok financially? Get onto the benefits calculator and see how much you’ll get if you aren’t working. Unless he too emigrates, I doubt you’ll be able to do so.

litterbird · 31/12/2019 22:40

So very sorry, sounds like he has detached a long time ago and ready to move on. I know you were almost realising it was over the fact he got there first has put you on the back foot. He's already done a lot of processing before he came to this point its now time for you to start processing this fact too. It looks like its over and its very very hard for you to come to terms with it despite you knowing almost it was inevitable. Take a deep breath and acknowledge it may be time to move on. Sometimes marriage isn't forever and it needs to break down for both of you to move on. Anyway who wants to be with a heavy drinker? Get your ducks in row as he already has. I wish you well and how awful to be told this tonight xx

RandomAmanda · 31/12/2019 22:42

Fuck, what a shit time to drop that little turd into the water Flowers I know it's heartbreaking when you're hurting and he's so apparently cold and clinical and unaffected. It could well be a front. But I don't know if that makes it any better really. Pour yourself a drink, either Brew or Wine whatever you like, and go easy on yourself. This isn't going to be sorted in a day so give yourself some breathing space.

Original poster
Chocochick · 31/12/2019 22:47

Thank you for your replies and encouragement. I think I’m grieving for the future I’d envisaged more than for him, to be honest. He’s a good person but we’ve lost the spark and connection ages ago and we’ve just drifted apart to a point where any common ground is almost unthinkable. He’s the high earner too so I have a lot of research to do on that front too. What a fucking awful mess...

OP posts:
TheresGotToBeMoreToLife · 31/12/2019 22:49

The saving grace about these early days is that there is practical stuff that needs sorting asap. Focus on that in the coming weeks. From what you have said I think you may be looking back on this year next year and thinking it's been the best thing for you.

BuckingFrolics · 31/12/2019 23:02

Try and stay friends if you've can. I left my DP of 20 years 18 months ago and the friendship we have now is so important to me

Original poster
Chocochick · 31/12/2019 23:03

I’m so confused about benefits, maintenance and what I’m entitled to. It’s mind-boggling when your brain is not functioning properly. Will they be able to help me at the Citizens Advice Bureau? I am aching for my boys. They’ve been going on about how “we are a happy family” and their world is about to come crashing down.

OP posts:
Karenisbaren · 31/12/2019 23:03

Op if you have been thinkng of splitting for a while then to be honest its a blessing even though you dont think so at this minute, nothing worst than being in a loveless relationship.

GabsAlot · 31/12/2019 23:04

But u said you were thinkng of seprating youself so how is it a shock that you wont have the future you wanted

Original poster
Chocochick · 31/12/2019 23:04

That is encouraging to hear. I hope we can. The boys deserve as much.

OP posts:
BuckingFrolics · 31/12/2019 23:05

Stay friends. I left DP if 20 years 18 months ago. It is such a blessing that we are still friends . It has made life for our DCs - and us - so much better. Try not to carry bitterness

Original poster
Chocochick · 31/12/2019 23:06

I guess it was a fantasy but I was prepared to stick it out for the boys and for the dream of moving abroad. But being unhappy is untenable and it was a time bomb waiting to go off. It just sucks it had to be today of all 365 days of the year!

OP posts:
NotAnotherFeckingMuftiDay · 31/12/2019 23:13

Sorry you're having such a difficult time - especially this evening.

In case you want to get on with looking into your options without waiting until the Bank Holiday is over then I've included a couple of links below.
The Citizens Advice site has a benefit calculator so you can check what you would be entitled to.

They also have lots of information about ending relationships and sorting our money and issues around children here.

FruitcakeOfHate · 31/12/2019 23:21

Honestly, benefits are the LAST thing you need to even be thinking about just now. First off, it's all UC now, it's very hard to find a LL who will take UC, it's a minimum of 5 weeks before you get anything. If you don't have ILR you are likely not entitled to it anyhow.

This guy also needs to support his kids!

He has very likely taken up with someone else, too.

Focus on getting a good solicitor and a forensic accountant.

CAB isn't going to be able to handle this for you. You need professional legal advice.

Lifecraft · 31/12/2019 23:22

If he'd told you last week you'd be moaning it was Xmas eve. Early in December and you'd be saying "in the run up to Xmas". Next month and it was be "just got into the new year" February and it'll be "coming up to Valentines day".

There's never a right time to tell someone you're leaving.

Lifecraft · 31/12/2019 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GabsAlot · 31/12/2019 23:29

Well theres prob not a good time-maybe he was thinking new year new start

FruitcakeOfHate · 31/12/2019 23:34

It's a very telling element of British culture that, in situations like this, their first thought is what handouts they can get from the state/welfare. Honestly, a lot of that has been dismantled. UC is something to be avoided.

Focus on getting a fair legal settlement, maintenance and building a life here on your own two feet because unless he gives permission for the kids to be removed, you won't be able to emigrate Sad.

Clevererthanyou · 31/12/2019 23:44

Lifecraft - try reading between the lines, op is shocked and upset. You’ve missed the point massively.

Krazynights34 · 31/12/2019 23:55

I’m a bit tipsy so sorry if this doesn’t help... can you have a conversation where you talk about your relationship and how the end is going to be. You’ve wanted it. He’s doing it. It’s horrible but can you get together to share the end, if that makes sense?
The practical stuff.. you will get lots of amazing advice on here.
I’m sorry it’s happened now but try to think of it as being what you wanted.
Hugs

Lifecraft · 31/12/2019 23:56

Lifecraft - try reading between the lines, op is shocked and upset. You’ve missed the point massively.

Her main gripe seems to be his timing. She said:

It just sucks it had to be today of all 365 days of the year!

As said, today is the one day of the year he apparently shouldn't have broken the news!!

DowntownAbby · 31/12/2019 23:58

It's a very telling element of British culture that, in situations like this, their first thought is what handouts they can get from the state/welfare.

This^^

Unbelievable how some people think.

StrangeLookingParasite · 01/01/2020 00:05

Gd, yes, I know, how absolutely unreasonable to be considering how you'll survive, if, as frequently happens, her husband starts being a shit about supporting the family. Hmm

bettybattenburg · 01/01/2020 00:18

Moving abroad would have been the worst thing you could do unless it was to your home country as you'd be stuck there with the children and unable to leave so although it doesn't seem like it now it'll be a blessing in the future. If it's your home country, could your family help you to move there? You'd have to get court agreement potentially but it'll be easier if it is your home country, my cousin did this and moved her and her children overseas to live very near to her parents.

Go through any paperwork in the house and keep everything you can relating to finances, get as much paperwork as you can together and see a solicitor ASAP about the house if it's not in joint names.

bettybattenburg · 01/01/2020 00:21

It just sucks it had to be today of all 365 days of the year!

I know what you mean OP, try to ignore the people saying there is no good day - obviously you know that there isn't - but there is something about New Year's Eve. Maybe in the future you will be able to reframe it as being able to make a new start with the new year much as it seems unlikely now.