Getting over an affair

[rhowton]

For reference, when I refer to DH it is Dickhead Husband in my mind....

Has one got over an affair? I'm struggling so much but I don't want my marriage to be over.

DH had an emotional affair 2018. He did and said all the right things and even though I was no where near forgiving him, I was on the right track. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I found out.

We moved house and I said to him that if he wasn't happy, could he let me know so we can buy two separate houses etc but no, he was so happy and wanted to keep our family together.

Then after 12 weeks in our new home, and with a 10 week old baby, DH decides to start up another affair with a 22 year old whore at work... he's a terrible liar so found out so fast. During this time, he was offered an AMAZING job in his current organisation and would start beginning of Sept.

Once it all come out, it was apparently a mental breakdown (he does have a high stress job- dealing with child abuse and domestic violence). He reeled off a bunch of crap to family that he was stressed and I was cold towards him (I had a newborn and he had already cheated). He then lost his new job as he went of sick with stress (he was found out and worked with the whore so couldn't face her) and was put on shifts.

I now really resent him whenever he is out of the house as he works until 11pm and I have to deal with the kids. However, tonight I am raging... he is working New Year's Eve and I'm at home alone with the kids and it's all because he had an affair with a 22 year old whore....

All I all, I would love to LTB but I don't want to split our family, or sell our home ( or pay £18,000 to mortgage company)!

So much ramble

I've no wise advice but we are in a similar position. Due to be married this July, found out having an affair June. 5 weeks before the wedding, and our baby was 8 weeks old. I've stayed for all the reasons you have. I can't get my head around doing it on my own, he's the main earner (triples my salary) and he is doing all the right things now. But I haven't even kissed him since. I can't. I'm staying because I'm comfortable, and I feel too sad that I'd be breaking up the family. It's just too hard. How are you and him? I can't even kiss him, but we get on like good room mates.

Why are you calling her a whore?
He's the one who has let you down, lied to you and not been able to keep it in his trousers.
There's obviously something lacking in your relationship for him to keep wanting others, so leave him and let him have all these women. He's no good to you, who wants s guy they can't trust?

He's a lying slag and your life is worth more than 18k and a fucking house. He will always cheat on you. He's a slapper. You get over it by getting a divorce.

@groovinpeanut

The fact that the husband is a faithless bastard doesn’t mean that the woman who slept with him knowing he was married with kids isn’t also a whore. I despise women who do this sort of thing and they deserve every vile name thrown at them.

"Whore" is a shitty misogynistic term.

You’re staying because you’re “comfortable” sirmione? I am guessing you mean financially. I would rather be penniless and free (and have been) than in the position of staying with a man who has shattered all trust, that to me is the height of discomfort, it’s like taking a wrecking ball to all that a relationship is built on, I was never able to rebuild that, however hard he tried

She’s not a whore.

Your husband is.

@sirmione16 I feel for you! It's so hard! It's like it's all back to normal with us.

I know he will cheat again, I'm kinda just waiting for it to happen but still want to try... I know, I'm an idiot.

She also knew he was married with two under two... she's at fault as well... any woman who knowingly goes with a married man (or any man with a family) is a terrible person in my eyes....

Sleeping with someone else’s husband is also pretty shitty and misogynistic though?

@rhowton you arent in Hampshire are you?

I was chatting online to man who lived quite far away from me, in Hampshire, when i was single. He worked with abused children but i was almost convinced he was married. Not helpful, but just curious!

Secondly, im so sorry. He sounds like a selfish entitled shit bag and you deserve much better

If you continue to live with a husband who is constantly cheating he has no reason to stop as he gets away with it ! My exh cheated several times. Like you I did not want to break up the family. Like you I was comfortable financially. But, it was a terrible life so I divorced him. It was hard. Very hard at times but I had peace of mind which is worth more.

Nothing wrong with staying for his money after what he's done.

Just use him for what her can offer you financially until you get yourself on tour feet and if you sneak off every couple weeks with another man for amazing sex, then so what? It's not like he will ever find out or even care for that matter.

@Techiemummy your advice is my favourite... instead of new year, new me... it's going to be new year, new secret man.... 🥰 I'll keep you posted on how that goes

YABU to call her a “whore”. Really horrible language. If she’s a whore in your mind then so is the husband that you decided to stay with.

Yeah, stop calling her a whore and letting your shitty husband off the hook.

Get your ducks in a row and LTB.

The reasons people stay in shit relationships always baffle me. Financial independence for all should be taught at school.

Well the other woman is a whore, or she'd find a single guy to shag. She's no angel here. He's worse, but she isn't someone I'd be interested in talking to.

You shouldn't go off with another man though while married, you're no better than him then. Hoping that was a joke..

His job being stressful is bullshit too. People die in my job and I don't go off fucking other people. I've dealt with very disgusting people in the past, again I've managed to keep my legs closed to every man walking past. It's not difficult. He's just trash.

Why is it your fault for 'breaking up the family' if you leave rather than putting up with his slapping around but not his for being a compulsive shagabout?

@rhowton please don’t do that. It’ll inevitably be found out, you’ll be painted the bad guy to your children who will be older by then, and you’ll cause emotional problems for them later in life by the deception. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but they won’t see it that way, they’ll just see two untrustworthy parents.
Leave him, to set an example to them that you don’t need to settle for the dregs and for yourself and your own happiness.

You don’t what to break up the family- what family?? He’s only thinking about his next conquest- couldn’t give a crap about you or the kids. What kind of example are you setting your kids? Especially talking about having a fling yourself. Your kids will grow up thinking it’s normal to have no respect for your other half.

You call her a whore yet your staying with your peice of shit husband yeah that makes sense

Seems bizarre to call the person who shagged your husband a whore in the same post where you say you're staying because you don't want to sell your home.

She didn't make vows to you, he did. Feminism isn't not shagging someone's husband, it's not calling them a whore because they did.

Hate her all you want but YABU and honestly given you've decided to stay despite how you feel, you can't blame her for that decision. It's all yours.

Life is too short to stay with someone who a cheat. Ignore the poster who suggested you get a fancy man, why lower you're self to his level. You got children to consider in this.

If you know hes going to cheat and yet you stay, then you're accepting it.

Why not just have an open marriage and both do as you please. This man doesn't care much for you...repeated infidelity is abuse.

Once you forgave...but the second time...my peace of mind is worth more and I'd rather split while the kids are young.

What gets me is so many cheaters, wouldn't give their spouse half a chance if the shoe was on the other foot.