Getting over an affair

[rhowton]

For reference, when I refer to DH it is Dickhead Husband in my mind....

Has one got over an affair? I'm struggling so much but I don't want my marriage to be over.

DH had an emotional affair 2018. He did and said all the right things and even though I was no where near forgiving him, I was on the right track. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I found out.

We moved house and I said to him that if he wasn't happy, could he let me know so we can buy two separate houses etc but no, he was so happy and wanted to keep our family together.

Then after 12 weeks in our new home, and with a 10 week old baby, DH decides to start up another affair with a 22 year old whore at work... he's a terrible liar so found out so fast. During this time, he was offered an AMAZING job in his current organisation and would start beginning of Sept.

Once it all come out, it was apparently a mental breakdown (he does have a high stress job- dealing with child abuse and domestic violence). He reeled off a bunch of crap to family that he was stressed and I was cold towards him (I had a newborn and he had already cheated). He then lost his new job as he went of sick with stress (he was found out and worked with the whore so couldn't face her) and was put on shifts.

I now really resent him whenever he is out of the house as he works until 11pm and I have to deal with the kids. However, tonight I am raging... he is working New Year's Eve and I'm at home alone with the kids and it's all because he had an affair with a 22 year old whore....

All I all, I would love to LTB but I don't want to split our family, or sell our home ( or pay £18,000 to mortgage company)!

So much ramble

I’m maybe too tipsy for this.. but did he shag someone? I thought it was an emotional affair (something I’m not sure I have a proper handle on, other than it perhaps meaning the person would have sex with other person if they had no morals, but don’t, because they do?)
It seems to me that you are a bit angry but have chosen a path that maybe you need to reconsider?
Please don’t call the other person a whore - I’m sure anger makes it feel warranted but really it’s not her causing the issue, as undoubtedly you realise.

And going out on a limb here. OP - are you just hoping to shag someone else? I’m not sure how his having an affair with the 22 year old means he is working tonight and leaving you alone?

@Krazynights34

If I've understood it correctly the reason he is working NYE is because of this:

He then lost his new job as he went of sick with stress (he was found out and worked with the whore so couldn't face her) and was put on shifts.

If I also read a post correctly from the OP, looks like shags on for her this year:

instead of new year, new me... it's going to be new year, new secret man.... 🥰 I'll keep you posted on how that goes

Let's just hope he's not a married man hey OP? Otherwise some poor woman could be posting on MN talking about her husband hooking up with a "whore".

The best thing you could do is divorce him, he hasn't and won't keep it in his pants.

Urgh the attitudes on this thread are grim. Your husband made vows, not her, she owes you nothing. Also how the fuck would you having an affair be helpful in the slightest. Jesus.

@puds11. You can’t seriously think that it’s morally ok to knowingly sleep with the married father of kids just because you didn’t make a vow to his wife! Tonuse your own phrase that attitude is grim!

No, the OW does not get a free pass - she made the choice to knowingly sleep with someone who was still in a relationship. The OP can call her what she wants. She's come here for help not a lecture.

Be angry at the both all you want OP! Have you visited survivinginfidelity.com lots of people in the same boat and really supportive.

I wish you all the best

@Katrinawaves I don’t agree with referring to women as whores under any circumstance.

Of course she is a bloody whore. She bloody my slept with a married man that had two young children. Women who do that sort of thing deserved those sort of labels! Doesn’t make him any less of a sickness.

My best advice having been through something similar is to get the Chumplady book (I listen to it on Audible - it really helps when I feel like shit). Seriously, I've spent the last decade dealing with repeated cheating and it's the one thing I wish I'd done at the start. I could have reduced the damage to myself and my DCs if I had.

Please try to value yourself more.

They're both whores. Why on earth do you want to be with one?

Seems bizarre to call the person who shagged your husband a whore in the same post where you say you're staying because you don't want to sell your home

This ^

'Whore' is an old term for a sex worker. He was paying her for sex then? Are you having sex with him to stay in your home?

Prostitute is only one meaning of the term whore. It also means anyone who is promiscuous, and anyone who sleeps with others knowing or not caring they are in a relationship and anyone who has indiscriminate sexual encounters.

The OW may not like the term but if they don’t care about the betrayed wife’s feelings when they start a relationship with a married man, they don’t really have any standing to object to how the wife thinks of them or the terminology which they use about them.

Given how few affairs end up becoming permanent relationships and how many marriages recover from infidelity, I suspect that both the husband and the wife oftentimes come to think of and refer to the OW as a whore so perhaps these women should just have enough self respect to keep their knickers on until they find a single man to have a sexual relationship with and then they don’t need to worry about what they are being described as and whether or not that’s justified by reference to etymology!

"Whore" is a misogynistic slur. It's used by shit humans with shit attitudes towards women.

I'm pretty disgusted by the attitudes on this thread.

He could have told her any old crap eg my wife doesn't understand me, we are splitting up etc. So whilst she is possibly not blameless she is not a whore and DH is the one responsible for this. You are quite rightly angry with him and it will sour your relationship unless you deal with it.

@majesticwhine. Yeah if my colleague who had literally just come back from paternity leave told me that his wife didn’t understand him and they were about to split up, I’d totally feel justified in jumping into bed with him

Not sure why people at lining up on this thread to make excuses for the OW. The only innocent here is the OP

The word whore has nothing to do with people who have affairs and everything to do with either a) people who have multiple sex partners or b) people who are sex workers. The A definition arising from B.

This isn't about innocence. Nobody here has said the OW is innocent (though we have no idea what her side of the story is and it doesn't really make much of a difference). What we have said is she's not a whore and it's wrong to call her one given definition A doesn't qualify and neither does definition B. If you want to be misogynistic at least just admit to it.

It doesn't help the OP to encourage her to divert her rightful anger at the conduit as opposed to the source, her cheating husband who is the only person in the triangle who owed her a thing.

She's a whore but he isn't? Please don't use that word unless you're going to use the male equivalent. He managed to cheat before she came along so it wasn't her 'whore ways' that caused him to cheat or have his imaginary breakdown

Twenti that is a vile post. The op has come on for support and is rightly devastated and is allowed to lash out at the people who have hurt her in her own post without it turning into a feminist debate and people accusing her of Being the one that is. Jesus Christ.
Sorry OP, can people move on from the language and help the OP.

Support here for you OP
Please can we stay on point. Too much focus on the ‘whore’

Op is hurt, angry and expressing herself. Someone as well as her dh made a decision with no thought for op or her children. Yet it’s op that is having to deal with it and the ripples.
Weirdly, for all those pointing out Op’s so called inappropriateness, no one seems to be saying ‘dick head?’ Does he actually have a penis for a head? Is his name Richard Head?

Call her all the names you want in my eyes, she's no angel, she knowingly slept with a married man. It goes without saying that he would be getting called all sorts too! I get that he made the vows, so if I went and slept with someone's husband I'd get support would I, being as I'm just the poor little woman who got pursued by the big bad man?! Ridiculous.....

OP as for how you can overcome this I honestly don't know. if you're determined to stay with him rhem I guess therapy might help, but at some point youd have to male the choice before it causes your mental health to decline. I personally couldn't stay with someone after that deceit but I di hope you manage to repair things if that's what you want

There's obviously something lacking in your relationship for him to keep wanting others

Ummm no, there is something lacking in a person who is a serial cheat .

@Ozziewozzie - because "dickhead" isn't a really long standing slur used to attack men, often used by their abusers as part of the abuse, and used most frequently against vulnerable people. If it were, I'd object to it as well.

As it is, it isn't, and instead we just have a bunch of women on this thread who don't even have the excuse of being in terrible pain fighting for their right to use misogynist slurs whenever they want, which is what is pissing me off most about this thread.

Well speaking personally, I’m in the immediate aftermath of discovering my husband’s dalliance with a woman who was married herself and deliberately sought out another married man to have casual sexual with. She told him upfront that she wouldn’t be leaving her husband for him and didn’t expect him to leave me.

If you haven’t experienced this kind of behaviour, as both the OP and I have, perhaps that explains why you are so keen to defend the right of the OW not to be called out for their bad behaviour. You re-defining the term and judging the betrayed wives for using it has pissed me off frankly. These sorts of women are not part of some great sisterhood or oppressed victims. They are the aggressors here.

I’ve never heard of a woman being called a dickhead by the way and I’ve only ever heard that term being used contemptuously. I have heard men being described as man whores so your justification for your position doesn’t really hold water either.

OP
Really?
Whore ?
Secret man?

Sheesh