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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Selfish husband or me being dramatic

64 replies

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 11:05

Dh and I have just had a huge argument. He had lots of hobbies which normally I don't mind but. I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and I found out a couple of days ago that there was no heartbeat. Dh was disbelieving of this and we then went for a further scan with him present and they told us the same. Baby stopped growing only a couple of days before. He made all the right noises of upset at the scan but later when home was pretty cold. He says it's because I've shut him out. I feel like he's not really upset about it because he already has 4 children from previous relationships. I have one. I'd also seen that within a couple of hours of the scan he arranged to go for a drink New Year's Eve with his friend. I didn't say anything about this straight away as I was too grief stricken to be bothered. Then this morning I lost what I think was my mucus plug. Now I know it's not the same but it scared me because after I lost this with my daughter I had a very rapid labour. I'm booked in for a procedure on Friday but I'm worried I won't make it that far and will lose it at home which I'm very scared about. I've told him this and gain he made some mildly sympathetic noises but then went on to say is it ok for me to play rugby this afternoon. I know that this will involve at least 7 hours out of the house and drinking with his friends afterwards. I don't want to be alone in the house with 3 children, one under 6 if I'm going to end up bleeding and god knows what so I just said I'd rather be stayed in incase something happened. He then went off on one saying how he's put a stone on and he can't stay in the house all day etc called me dramatic, said his mother had lost a child of 4 and never caused this much fuss. I then shouted at him and told him that he was a selfish ... that he expects me to be nice quiet good little wife and not bother him with little things like a miscarriage because it might get in the way of his socialising. Wtf do I do now?

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 31/12/2019 11:12

Whose are the 3 children?
Regardless of that he is being unreasonable.
Once you are better mentally physically and emotionally you need to seriously question this relationship.

Ivyr0se · 31/12/2019 11:12

I'm so very sorry for your loss, can you take your child to your parents for the week?

It is such a traumatic experience I cannot stress how inappropriate he is acting. You need support and calm, not someone more concerned with socialising. I bet he wouldn't come home after the rugby, its the drinks he wants.

Leave him to sort his childcare.

When you're feeling stronger reassess whether he is someone you want to have a child with.

Jumpi · 31/12/2019 11:13

Why would you want to have a baby with this man?

Do you have family or a friend who can keep you company and help with the kids?

BohemianDream · 31/12/2019 11:14

This was really sad to read. I don't think my partner would never act like this and he's really not the most emotional person.
He should be there with you if that's what you need and it's really not a lot to ask. Very selfish of him. I wonder what his friends would actually think if they knew what was going on whilst he was out with them.
He sounds very uncaring. I'd try and explain again just how awful this is for you and give him another chance to be there, if he still put his own needs first I'd be rethinking my relationship.
I hope your okayFlowers

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/12/2019 11:17

He’s showing you his true colours. He isn’t a nice person. He’s behaving abominably. What a nasty piece of work Angry

I couldn’t stay with anyone who behaved like that. Look after yourself and reassess this relationship when you’re feeling a bit stronger Flowers

Zofloramummy · 31/12/2019 11:19

I’m very sorry for your loss.

Your DH is a dick. He doesn’t have your back when you need him, he belittles you’re and shouts because you quite rightly want him to support you and parent the dc. He’s more concerned with missing out on a few beers. He sounds like he has the emotional capacity of a snail. I couldn’t ever look at him the same way again.

It’s not you it’s HIM

Zofloramummy · 31/12/2019 11:20

You not you’re

Greenkit · 31/12/2019 11:21

Tell him he can go anywhere and do anything he likes, if he takes his 3 children with him.

Can you stay with a friend or parent until Friday, just in case x

hellsbellsmelons · 31/12/2019 11:23

Well as you have 1 child, I suggest you get that child and go to family or a friend for some love and support.
You aren't getting it from your husband.
Please leave him to it.
HE can look after HIS own children.
He doesn't get to swan off and do his things when he should be spending quality time with his own kids.

Pack a bag now and get going.
You need some love, tea and sympathy right now.
Not him making you feel even worse.
He is a selfish pig.
He has now shown you who he is.
Re-think this relationship.
What do YOU get out of it?
Sounds like he gets loads from you.
What do you actually get from him?
Love, respect, feeling appreciated, feeling cherished, looked after, cared for!??

Does he run you nice baths when you are stressed?
Does he bring you a nice cuppa in the morning before he goes to work?
Does he do his fair share of household chores?
His fair share of child care?
NO - didn't think so!

Annasgirl · 31/12/2019 11:29

OP, I just want to echo everyone here - go to your mum or your sister or your best friend with your child, leave him with his DC and get support from someone who can care for you.

Cohle · 31/12/2019 11:31

He sounds unbelievably awful OP Thanks

Do you family who could support you? Would your in laws take the kids?

BorissGiantJohnson · 31/12/2019 11:38

Jesus Christ op. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that his behaviour is not normal or ok in the slightest, and it's not your fault at all. He gives absolutely no fucks about how you're feeling, as long as it doesn't inconvenience him by, for example, forcing him to look after his own children! Please do not get pregnant again to this man, and do leave as soon as you feel able to, he's beyond horrible.

fedup21 · 31/12/2019 11:40

Are you looking after his children tonight so he can go out??

I would absolutely put a stop to that!

Annasgirl · 31/12/2019 11:41

Also, OP, I have been through what you are going through twice, and it was very sad. My DH was so supportive, and all the family treated me like I was a delicate flower (no one who knows me does this) as they knew how hard it was for us. Please, listen to us, this is not good behaviour and you are not being dramatic. Find people in your life who will take care of you this week.

fedup21 · 31/12/2019 11:42

Take your child and go somewhere-now.

Sounds like he’s using you as childcare so he can hobby away and get pissed!

Panicovereveryone · 31/12/2019 11:42

I’ve had 4 miscarriages and all were different. One was very very traumatic and I had to go to hospital as I thought I was going to bleed to death (I will not go into details, but I’m not the dramatic type and I was scared to death). Your DH is a fucking selfish moron.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/12/2019 11:44

He’s being selfish. You are not being dramatic.
I’m really sorry you’ve lost your baby and are going through a miscarriage right now without his support. See if you can go stay with a relative or friend who can care for you.
He can take care of his children while you are gone.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 11:49

Yes he's annoyed because his live-in babysitter bot is malfunctioning.

Sorry for your loss, but please think carefully about ttc again with this person. Your life will one of mainly childcare while he swans off doing his oh so important hobbies.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2019 11:51

He sounds like a complete prick. I'm so sorry OP, for your loss and for your partner's horrible behaviour. Flowers

Techway · 31/12/2019 11:55

I completely agree that you should go to a supportive person's house rather than stay as your H is not willing to support you because he can't see past his own needs.

He maybe the type of man who can only tolerate family life for short periods of time and certainly not if it clashes with his needs. In some defence I can see that he might handle the news of a loss differently, as I had no idea what a miscarriage was like until I went through several so I am slightly more forgiving however as you have children he should know he has to step up.

The comment re his mum is horrible as it is very invalidating which is why you now need to be with someone who does have empathy.

QueenOfTheFae · 31/12/2019 11:55

Fucking hell love,you deserve so much better. This excuse for a man that thought you were lying about no heartbeat is just a cunt.

Please kick him out of it is your house and leave if its his

ColumboOnTheCase · 31/12/2019 11:57

I have been through a similar missed miscarriage the bleeding came on suddenly and was awful and I ended up in hospital. Can you have a family member with you?

CanIHaveADrink · 31/12/2019 11:59

Who are the dcs you are looking after??

The comment about his mum was totally insensitive as so was him going out ‘with his mates’.

I would start by looking after yourself. Do you have family around that you can go to? I would organise to go there (with your dc) and tell him you are going. He can get organised with his own dcs re going to play rugby.

simplekindoflife · 31/12/2019 11:59

Oh my goodness, what a horrible selfish nasty man...

He should be supporting you, there for you, not shouting at you for 'making a fuss'!

I don't think I could forgive this, uncaring callous behaviour is a total deal breaker for me.

Techway · 31/12/2019 12:00

Yes he's annoyed because his live-in babysitter is malfunctioning

Very true..especially if there is a pattern of behaving like this. Ex H would have seen any request by me to stay home (irrespective of circumstances) as me controlling him. It was such an ingrained belief as he couldn't see past his own needs, unless it suited him or had the potential to damage his image as a nice guy.

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