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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Selfish husband or me being dramatic

64 replies

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 11:05

Dh and I have just had a huge argument. He had lots of hobbies which normally I don't mind but. I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and I found out a couple of days ago that there was no heartbeat. Dh was disbelieving of this and we then went for a further scan with him present and they told us the same. Baby stopped growing only a couple of days before. He made all the right noises of upset at the scan but later when home was pretty cold. He says it's because I've shut him out. I feel like he's not really upset about it because he already has 4 children from previous relationships. I have one. I'd also seen that within a couple of hours of the scan he arranged to go for a drink New Year's Eve with his friend. I didn't say anything about this straight away as I was too grief stricken to be bothered. Then this morning I lost what I think was my mucus plug. Now I know it's not the same but it scared me because after I lost this with my daughter I had a very rapid labour. I'm booked in for a procedure on Friday but I'm worried I won't make it that far and will lose it at home which I'm very scared about. I've told him this and gain he made some mildly sympathetic noises but then went on to say is it ok for me to play rugby this afternoon. I know that this will involve at least 7 hours out of the house and drinking with his friends afterwards. I don't want to be alone in the house with 3 children, one under 6 if I'm going to end up bleeding and god knows what so I just said I'd rather be stayed in incase something happened. He then went off on one saying how he's put a stone on and he can't stay in the house all day etc called me dramatic, said his mother had lost a child of 4 and never caused this much fuss. I then shouted at him and told him that he was a selfish ... that he expects me to be nice quiet good little wife and not bother him with little things like a miscarriage because it might get in the way of his socialising. Wtf do I do now?

OP posts:

Sally2791 · 31/12/2019 17:04

He’s a nasty piece of work. Completely lacking in empathy. Sorry for your loss

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 31/12/2019 17:05

What an incredibly cruel man. Even if he didn’t care about the loss, he should have cared about your sadness. If he’s like this now, just imagine how cruel he can be if you carry a pregnancy to term and are tied to him by a baby, OP.

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 17:11

He does do a massive chunk of the housework and the cooking (probably better than me). He is very good with the children.

This is not a high bar for a partner though my love. Yes these are nice things (though I hate the implication men are "helping" around the house when they are equal adults too) but not so nice it overrides him being a cunt.

In fact, nothing could override his recent behaviour. I am so, so sorry that you've had such a traumatic experience and he's added this much more trauma on top.

He sounds like a selfish bully. Please get as much real life support (and MN support!) as you possibly can. Lean on loved ones.

He isn't going to give you the support you need and you deserve that support even if you have to get it somewhere else like family or friends.

Partners should be teammates. He isn't on your team. Again I'm so sorry you've had such a traumatic time

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 31/12/2019 17:15

So sorry for your loss OP. Hope you get the support you need and deserve. Your DH is eligible for the most Selfish Cunt of the Year award.

Whatsthesmell · 31/12/2019 17:26

I feel so sad reading this, your husband is being so very cruel and this should perhaps once you've recovered a bit from miscarriage be something you deal with.

As for miscarriage, I've had several and had a obvious lost of plug, I just went straight to bleeding. All are different I know but might be worth a quick call to your maternity unit if you haven't already to let them know.

In the kindest way I hope it means your body with kick I to action and pass the pregnancy quickly for you.

None of my miscarriages where in any way alike and I have had one where I needed an op. I will say you should have another trustworthy adult with you at all times just incase you need someone.

Therebythedoor · 31/12/2019 17:33

I would say the same as Justasmalltowncurl - his selfishness has cancelled out the 'good things'. It's his behaviour at times of crisis that counts - he's not going to lose a stone in one game of rugby so he's a knob putting his future fitness above your immediate needs for support.

aSofaNearYou · 31/12/2019 17:41

Of course he has been selfish. You were well within your rights to expect him to stay home to look after the child that is his in any circumstances, but in this one his behaviour is just horrendous.

Kraai · 31/12/2019 17:43

OP I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Someone above said he wins cunt of the year. I'd say he's coming in sting here right at the end of the year. It takes quite some beating to outdo him in this. A lifetime of breakfast in bed wouldn't come near to making up for it.

But right now that's besides the point. I'm glad your mum is showering you with love right now. I hope you tell other friends in RL so they can too. I would if you were my friend.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 31/12/2019 20:57

Wow. My Mum almost died having a miscarriage, it's not to be taken lightly. And he is leaving you alone, to go on the piss? Who the fuck leaves their Partner on NYE anyway?? You could be really ill, and he's on the lash.

Dreadful. I'm almost speechless.

My DH was meant to go on a night out before Christmas, and I had a nasty cold. He cancelled to keep me company. I told him not to, obviously. There is NO WAY he'd leave me alone to lose our baby. Because he's not a cunt!

So sorry for your loss. Truly.

I think you need to really think about whether to stay with this "man"

readitandwept · 31/12/2019 21:04

Has he come home, OP?

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 21:47

@readitandwept yes he came home about 4. Think it was a case of throwing his rattle out of the pram but not being quite enough of a shit to go through with it. We're not really talking. Happy new year!

OP posts:

anothermamaa · 02/01/2020 10:15

How are you doing OP?

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 02/01/2020 20:13

@anothermamaa thank you for thinking of me. I had the surgical assisted yesterday as they were kind enough to put me on an emergency list and not make me wait until next week. Dh came with me. I think the reality of it hit home by how concerned all the staff were and the fact that we had to make decisions about cremating the baby or bringing it home and arranging a service. He was very shocked and was in tears apologising that he'd underestimated the whole thing. Still not impressed with him but no energy to argue atm

OP posts:

anothermamaa · 02/01/2020 21:24

I'm so so sorry for your loss. It is such a traumatic thing to go through, I've been there. You are so strong, this will pass. Rest up and look after yourself, prioritise that for now and anything else can be dealt with at a later date. Hugs OP xx

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