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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Selfish husband or me being dramatic

64 replies

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 11:05

Dh and I have just had a huge argument. He had lots of hobbies which normally I don't mind but. I'm about 9 weeks pregnant and I found out a couple of days ago that there was no heartbeat. Dh was disbelieving of this and we then went for a further scan with him present and they told us the same. Baby stopped growing only a couple of days before. He made all the right noises of upset at the scan but later when home was pretty cold. He says it's because I've shut him out. I feel like he's not really upset about it because he already has 4 children from previous relationships. I have one. I'd also seen that within a couple of hours of the scan he arranged to go for a drink New Year's Eve with his friend. I didn't say anything about this straight away as I was too grief stricken to be bothered. Then this morning I lost what I think was my mucus plug. Now I know it's not the same but it scared me because after I lost this with my daughter I had a very rapid labour. I'm booked in for a procedure on Friday but I'm worried I won't make it that far and will lose it at home which I'm very scared about. I've told him this and gain he made some mildly sympathetic noises but then went on to say is it ok for me to play rugby this afternoon. I know that this will involve at least 7 hours out of the house and drinking with his friends afterwards. I don't want to be alone in the house with 3 children, one under 6 if I'm going to end up bleeding and god knows what so I just said I'd rather be stayed in incase something happened. He then went off on one saying how he's put a stone on and he can't stay in the house all day etc called me dramatic, said his mother had lost a child of 4 and never caused this much fuss. I then shouted at him and told him that he was a selfish ... that he expects me to be nice quiet good little wife and not bother him with little things like a miscarriage because it might get in the way of his socialising. Wtf do I do now?

OP posts:

fedup21 · 31/12/2019 12:00

OP-are you there? Please do NOT spend any of today looking after his kids whilst you miscarry. This is horrible.

Doyouavocado · 31/12/2019 12:02

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks last year around Xmas and if my husband behaved like that I would have lost my shit. What a prick!

JasonPollack · 31/12/2019 12:10

What a fucking dick. I would be reconsidering the relationship. Sorry for your loss

moglovesmincepies · 31/12/2019 12:14

Op
I could have written your exact post 13 years ago.
That miscarriage became a blessing in disguise as it made me realise who I was married to.
Please go somewhere where you can be looked after and seriously consider how you want to live your life

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 12:42

I am here yes. The thing with him is he's not your typical lager lout selfish man that I read about a lot here. He does do a massive chunk of the housework and the cooking (probably better than me). He is very good with the children. I get lots of gifts and breakfasts in bed. His two children that would be here are teens so he would just leave them alone here if I weren't here so I'm not babysitting in that sense. But now and then he does these breathtakingly selfish things and he has this mania about his fitness that seems to be all important even over this. I don't have any family or friends to go to. They all live two hours away. I would be a bit worried about the journey.

OP posts:

TheReef · 31/12/2019 13:01

What a vile thing to do! Basically he's leaving his wife to miscarry a child whilst looking after other children whilst he goes out in the piss with his mates.

That's spectacularly selfish, thoughtless and bloody horrible of him

StillCounting123 · 31/12/2019 13:47

Sending to you, OP.

I had a miscarriage early on with my 3rd pregnancy. Bled heavily for nearly a week and it was painful and horrible. My children were under the age of 5 and my DH was so kind and loving.

Your prick of a DP is bang out of order with what he said re his mum and making out like you are unreasonable. Sack him off.

Techway · 31/12/2019 13:49

typical lager lout selfish man

Mine was absolutely not like this at and did fair share of housework & childcare but it was when it suited him. If I really needed him then it depended on what his needs were, or as I later learned, sometimes to punish me.

How long have you been together? He is putting himself first and that shows he has low empathy for you.

anothermamaa · 31/12/2019 14:01

Sending hugs and a hand hold OP . How unbelievably selfish he's being when you need him the most.

HaileySherman · 31/12/2019 14:04

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. No, it's not ok for him to go out to play rugby while leaving you to care for his children and miscarriage. If possible don't whip yourself into a frenzy being upset. Let him know that you're not ok with it. Discuss everything else at a later time, when you're not going through a physically and emotionally draining experience.

He sounds very selfish, but that is probably not new. Try to be gentle with yourself and protect yourself from all this right now. There's plenty of time in the future to deal with all that.

readitandwept · 31/12/2019 14:17

Your husband is an awful human being. If you aren't top of his list of priorities today, you never will be. You deserve so much better.

I'm sorry for what you're going through

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 15:20

@HaileySherman I think that's probably good advice. I don't want to get myself into a state. I already feel on the verge of hysteria. I think so many men just fall short in these awful situations. I'm not excusing it. I know he's being horrifically selfish. He's gone out now promising he'll only have one pint. I'd be very surprised if that was true

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 15:21

Thanks to everyone offering virtual hugs and hand holds. I'm sorry so many of you have been through this as well

OP posts:

simplekindoflife · 31/12/2019 15:54

Oh OP. If you want to cry, cry. Show him your tears! He clearly needs to see how upset you are, as he's not getting it?!!

He'd better come home after one pint! Tell him you may need to go to hospital and he needs to be able to drive you there. Dickhead... I'm so angry on your behalf.

for you xx

Greenkit · 31/12/2019 15:57

So sorry xxx

They just don't get it do they

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 16:08

@simplekindoflife I'm not very good at crying in front of people especially as my daughter is around and it's frightening seeing your mum cry I think. I know what you mean though. I think all he gets from me is anger and that makes everything worse.
It is ridiculously hard. Last night I had a meltdown because I realised when I was waiting for the scan I never said a prayer for it. Sounds silly but I feel guilty. All these women saying they've had multiple I just can't comprehend it.

OP posts:

Hepsibar · 31/12/2019 16:11

You poor thing. Your partner's callous behaviour is unimaginable and what a wonderful, strong person you are to keep going at all.

Do you have any friends and family who can support you during this time. When you feel stronger, think you need to review this relationship and if there is any counselling you can tap into, it might be beneficial.

Interestedwoman · 31/12/2019 16:27

'He then went off on one saying how he's put a stone on and he can't stay in the house all day etc called me dramatic, said his mother had lost a child of 4 and never caused this much fuss. '

AAARGH! I had missed miscarriages a couple of times. The first bloke, he went on about how the pregnancy was not real to him, and, like your DH, he went on about a woman he knew who had recently had stillborn twins or something. He implied an early missed miscarriage was not something we/I had a right to be upset about in comparison. Being me 20 years ago, I said nothing.

I don't want to say all men are wankers, but some are wankers, at least sometimes!

You're feelings about the baby and how he should be supportive of you are not unreasonable at all. So sorry for your loss. xxx

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 16:37

@Hepsibar my mum
Is very good and has offered to come stay. I'm going to let her come on Thursday when I'm due to go into hospital. She's been ringing almost hourly too so I do have lots of love

OP posts:

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 16:41

@Interestedwoman so true. They say the most uncouth things some of them. Some of them are also clueless. My mum told my brother who is in his thirties that I'd miscarried and he didn't even know what the word meant

OP posts:

readitandwept · 31/12/2019 16:42

I doubt very much his poor mum would have been making a "fuss" to her kids, so how the hell would he know exactly what she went through?

june2007 · 31/12/2019 16:45

Having lost my baby similar time and taking 2 months to fully miscarry. (Noe waiting for medical having tried natural and chemical.) I think you have to lett him do his thing. I understand your upset but you can bleed anytime. I couldn,t have taken 2 months off work on the ofchance i might bleed.

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 16:46

I think so many men just fall short in these awful situations.

Not decent men. And not like this.

ShadowOnTheSun · 31/12/2019 16:51

Very very sorry for your loss, OP. And I'm also sorry, but jesus, what a bastard your husband is. His mother also lost a child, but 'didn't make such a fuss' (and he talks this way about his little brother/sister)? I understand that people deal with grief differently, and some people are quite cold emotionally (I am), but this is not that. Rugby match and getting pissed with mates when his wife is dealing with a loss of THEIR (his too!) child and taking care of other little ones? He's a cruel man. No kindness, no caring, no feelings. Get better OP and leave him. Don't spend your life with someone with a stone instead of heart. You don't deserve this and neither does your other child.

Original poster

feelinglost02 · 31/12/2019 16:53

@readitandwept it was actually years and years before he was born so I'm quite sure he has no idea what his mother was like at that time. His mother had spoken to me more than him about it and she was far from ok and has never really been ok since but she's 'ok' enough that he doesn't notice

OP posts:

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