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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So.. What now???

61 replies

Thewayforward · 30/12/2019 23:49

Cut long story short... Husband currently under arrest in police station in London. Not sure exactly what for but I have my suspicions it is drink driving. The police can not tell me what he is being charged with just that it is likely he will have to appear in court tomorrow?? Would you need to attend court that quickly for drink driving??? This is another of many incidents involving alcohol that he has dealt me and his family. Would I be unreasonable to give him his marching orders given that if he loses his license, he will loose his job and this would be his rock bottom??

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/12/2019 23:54

OK there are two questions here.

Is he likely to be charged with drink driving? Well if he's been pulled over and charged over a breathalyser, then yes. He would be charged to appear in court at a later date, probably within 2-6 months.

You wouldnt be out of order telling him to fuck off now or at any order in the future. You can end a relatiinship for any future. If you're not happy, bin him off.

amillionwishes · 30/12/2019 23:55

I didn't want to r&r, yes you can appear that quickly for drink driving if you were breathalysed as well over or admitted to being. Has he not contacted you at all? You must be in bits right now. Yanu if this is the last in a long line of things. Thanks

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:00

The police phoned me as initially he wanted to talk to me but then at the last moment said he did not want to talk to me. Because he is an adult and has not consented to them telling me what exactly he has been charged for they are not at liberty to divulge this to me. All the police would tell me was that if he is charged tonight, for whatever, he will stay in the cells and appear in court tomorrow. This just sounds really soon for a drink driving offence. If not, he will released on bail. God knows how he will get home, he is in London and I am about 100 miles away

OP posts:
amillionwishes · 31/12/2019 00:03

Oh OP I feel for you so much. Do you have family near? I'd need a bit of support if I was you xx

NightsOfCabiria · 31/12/2019 00:04

Have you spoken to him?

When my ex was arrested for drink driving (3x over the limit and hit a reservation bollard at 4 in the morning), he was released and appeared in court 2 weeks later.

Have there been any news reports or Twitter/FB posts about incidents?

NightsOfCabiria · 31/12/2019 00:07

Cross posted.

If he wont talk, do you think its something more serious? Was he ok/unhurt? Where is his car?

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:10

I am lucky in the respect that I have both sides of the family who live reasonably close by. I asked the police if not going to court tomorrow to at least keep him until the morning as my head is not in a good place and I need sleep. Just really had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:12

No he has not spoken to me. He is as the police say "safe and well". He was in a work car which has since been recovered by his company.

OP posts:
Elieza · 31/12/2019 00:13

You can go to court and sit in the public viewing gallery and see what the charges are. I know it’s a long way away but I would go if it was my dp as I’d want the truth and it’s the only way to get it. You don’t need permission or to tell anyone who you are. You just sit and watch them all getting charged and led away until it’s his turn. There is a reception desk as you go in if there are multiple courts that day. They can tell you which one and where he is on the list (although they can’t tell you the exact time it may give an idea, there are always no shows).

They will likely take custody cases first. ie him and others who have done an overnighter in the cells. Then you can hear the full horror of what he’s been charged with in case he lies to you later and tries to minimise it or tell you he got done for dangerous driving instead and he says it wasn’t his fault that a drunk stepped into his path, when in actual fact he was done for drink driving three times over the limit and he doesn’t want you to know...

LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2019 00:14

You poor love, definitely get some sleep.
That’s a really shitty thing of him to do, to call you but not speak to you knowing you’ll be worrying and will seeing what is going on.
Hope you get some rest.

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:14

For some reason I am just so worried that they will release him and he will somehow make his way home tonight. I am not ready for him. I need to get my head in order. He knows that his previous drinking incidents has seriously fucked with my head and yet he carries on. He is a reasonable man when not drinking.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 31/12/2019 00:14

Op, you can leave a relationship at any time you are not happy. You don't need anyone’s permission.

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:17

I am not even sure what court he would be appearing in, although I could phone met police in the morning I guess. Not sure if anybody wiuld look after kids that short a notice as all family work. I have so much adrenaline and anxiety coursing through me at present I doubt I will be able to sleep now.

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Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:22

@CalleighDoodle. I just worry about everything.. Upsetting kids etc because to them he is their world.. If only they knew what he was putting us through. He has now almost certainly lost his job (job involves driving hence why so far from home) meaning I will need to pick up extra hours even though that won't happen anytime soon as just had quite a big op. Seriously I think maybe I ought to ask the writers of corrie or eastenders if they want an idea for a storyline.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 31/12/2019 00:24

I'm sure he could provide his arrest record to you if you wanted to see it. Would background checks list as yet unheard charges?

If he wasn't willing to provide paperwork, frankly, I'd assume that he was charged for offenses worse than drink driving/disorderly conduct. I'd assume much worse. Why else would he hide it?

CalleighDoodle · 31/12/2019 00:25

You will feel better once you are through with him and you just have yourself and the children to deal with. Useless, selfish partners drag you down.

minielise · 31/12/2019 00:25

What a crappy situation! You don’t need to use this as a reason to end it, you can end it at any point without having to justify yourself if you are unhappy.
I don’t know much about the police and people being arrested but surely if he is over 100 miles away they wouldn’t just turf him out in the middle of the night? Does he already have points on his licence or a ban? A friends partner was caught drink driving the next morning and they were released straight away and court date set weeks later.

Try get some rest, you know he is somewhere safe... probably more annoyed at himself than you are!

twoturtledove · 31/12/2019 00:27

You would not be unreasonable at all. You have to make the right decision for you and your family based on his actions.

sugarisbitterintheend · 31/12/2019 00:28

It's new year and Christmas time, no way would they send him straight to court this time of the year unless he had hurt someone.
They would bail him.
Someone I know had got caught twice for drink driving and never were they sent straight to court plus ex dp is a police officer and he's never mentioned that this happens.
I maybe me wrong but it would have to be something very bad that they have to get a judge to make a decision if he deserves bail and the conditions

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2019 00:29

It’s unlikely that it’s just drink driving if he’s appearing in court tomorrow.

Hi is appearing in court because the police don’t feel they can bail him. That would suggest a far more serious offence. Sorry.

If you’re reasonably confident this is a drink driving offence my guess would be that he assaulted a PC during the arrest.

PegasusReturns · 31/12/2019 00:30

I say the above as a one-time prosecutor/defender

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2019 00:32

Get rid of this fucking dead weight, irresponsible loser. How many more years are you willing to waste carrying this arsehole?

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:36

Thank you all for your support and kind words.

No previous points on license.

He is usually a law abiding citizen but unfortunately is also an alcoholic who is also in denial about this.

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Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 00:42

This is what makes me think that there is also something worse going on pegasusreturns.

My own grandfather was killed by a drink driver and he knows this. I would hate to think that is what my own husband has done, not necessarily killed but injured someone.

OP posts:
Mmer · 31/12/2019 00:55

Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you would be better off without him. If he has court in the morning, I feel it may be more serious.

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