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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So.. What now???

61 replies

Thewayforward · 30/12/2019 23:49

Cut long story short... Husband currently under arrest in police station in London. Not sure exactly what for but I have my suspicions it is drink driving. The police can not tell me what he is being charged with just that it is likely he will have to appear in court tomorrow?? Would you need to attend court that quickly for drink driving??? This is another of many incidents involving alcohol that he has dealt me and his family. Would I be unreasonable to give him his marching orders given that if he loses his license, he will loose his job and this would be his rock bottom??

OP posts:
selmabear · 31/12/2019 01:06

In so sorry this has happend OP, but I dont think this is just a DUI incident and I'm frustrated for you that they won't tell you what he's been arrested for even though I understand the reasons why. I'm saying it's not just DUI because my cousin was arrested for DUI (alcohol and class A drugs) he was arrested and taken to the station to take bloods for a test but he was released a few hours later. Police drove him home and he didn't appear in court for a further 4 and a half months and another friend crashed into a wall while drunk and driving. Again wasn't in court for a further 15 weeks. I hope you get answers soon OP.

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 01:19

Going to try and get some shut eye, I feel I am in for a turbulent and emotional time ahead of me.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 31/12/2019 01:28

💐☕️

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 05:32

Managed about 2 hours sleep, anxiety at an all time high and heart racing like nothing I have ever experienced before. Just want today to be over with already.

OP posts:
Ihavehadenoughalready · 31/12/2019 06:00

I feel for you and hope you are able to gather your strength to do what's required for you and your kids.

CheekyFuckerHQ · 31/12/2019 06:06

Make sure you look after yourself @Thewayforward
Hopefully you won’t have to wait too long for answers.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2019 06:13

Flowers bless you. This must be a very difficult and frightening wait. Sending you strength.

Musix · 31/12/2019 06:16

Morning Thewayforward sending good wishes and support to you today. Just remember you haven t done anything wrong. It's best you find out what he's done though so you can prepare your family and make plans for the future.

thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 06:20

How terrible for you. Sending you love Thanks

Waffles80 · 31/12/2019 06:23

How awful. Do you know if he made contact with anyone else in the family?

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 06:42

He has text me to say that he is not going to court today but in a few weeks time. He has been charged with drink driving. At least he has not hurt anybody. I am told him he is not welcome at home at the moment and a friend has kindly offered to put him up until I sort my head out

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 06:46

At least you know more now. And well done for setting your own boundaries around this. That must have been hard Thanks

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2019 06:50

It sounds like he could to with 'hitting rock bottom' in order to realised what he will lose if he doesn't sort his drinking out.

I think, considering he had prior incidence with you and his drinking, culminating in last nights events...I'd be done. He isn't safe to have around. Maybe in a year or so if he gets help (and is actually normally nice when sober) and stops drinking you could consider trying again. But if I were you I'd just tell him it was over, for now.

You have to think about your kids and keeping an alcoholic in your house, no matter how much they love him, is not OK.

ScreamingLadySutch · 31/12/2019 11:17

I hope he faces his issue now.

Google Naltrexone (The Sinclair Method). Say to him that it is an absolute NON NEGOTIABLE (otherwise he leaves) to go and talk to his GP about going on Naltrexone. It is one little pill he takes when he knows he is going to decide to drink.

I won't explain the chemistry of it but it stops the buzz and so the urge to drink more doesn't happen. This way he can drink and stay in control.

He HAS to be on Naltrexone in order to stay in your home. It is not up for discussion. Otherwise he can go and be a hopeless alcoholic somewhere else. In the mean time, go to Al Anon. You will be amazed at how much you change.

I really hope he refuses to allow his addiction to beat him. Wishing you luck.

www.workithealth.com/blog/what-is-the-sinclair-method-how-to-curb-drinking-without-giving-up-alcohol

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 16:18

It's get worse guys. Now gone awol. Last heard from at 848 this morning supposedly on train from Waterloo. No contact since and not answering phone or messages. Police aware. Just to top this all off, my dad has today been today that it is probable he has endured a mini stroke. Ffs.. How much more x x x

OP posts:
thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 16:23

I'm so so sorry. Big hugs xx

Fairycake2 · 31/12/2019 16:28

I wouldn't worry about DH right now. He's probably sulking somewhere and drowning his sorrows. Concentrate on your dad and try to take care of you too. Sending hugs

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 16:41

Oh fuck OP I'm so sorry.

Is there anything practical we can do to help?

If so people might be able to suggest support services or helplines etc.

Thanks
RandomMess · 31/12/2019 16:52
Thanks

Focus on your Dad

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 17:08

Thank you for offer of support but I think I will be OK. Phone call from recovery centre, local to me, to say that he has been there and on way home. Tried phoning and texting but still getting no answer.

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 17:58

There you go, he's safe and in professional hands so it's up to them now.

Focus on your dad like PPs have said and don't feel any guilt at all for disengaging from your husband for now.

It's best for everyone. And you can start the new year prioritising the people who deserve it, including you ThanksThanksThanks

LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2019 18:26

Sending you a virtual hug OP, so sorry to hear about your dad Flowers

Original poster
Thewayforward · 31/12/2019 21:38

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately he only went into the recovery centre did not stay. He told them he was only somewhere never to arrive so still out there somewhere. Police aware

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 31/12/2019 21:58

@Thewayforward I'm so sorry to read your entire thread and most particularly sorry to hear about your father. As a recovering alcoholic (of many years) please use this horrible experience to focus on what's really important. You cannot control someone else's drinking, no matter how much you want to. Don't let him take over your thoughts and life. I do believe that alcoholism is an illness but one that can be controlled. As we say in AA meetings, if you told a cancer sufferer that they'd be cured by simply doing x, y, z they'd do it.

No offence meant and please look after yourself.

Elieza · 31/12/2019 22:00

Hope your dads ok oP Flowers