I don't like my mother.

[Zombieseverywhere]

That's it really, if I met her in street I wouldn't want to know her.
She never bothered with hugging me and my sibling growing up but now she's older she's constantly trying to and I just don't like it.
She drinks too much, she's mean, she slags off everyone in the family and dosent understand why they won't visit, as soon as someone does go round she has a go at them. No one likes going there, everyone is fed up to back teeth of her incessant bitching about everyone and the constant guilt trips about not going to see her.
I feel so guilty though, I moved away a long time ago with my partner and our kids, go to see her a few times a year but even that is just too much. But people always say you only get one mum...... I used to miss going back but now I really don't like going.
I'm lucky I have family where I live a sister and her children, she also feels the same and we are both utterly guilt ridden.
How can you want to be part of someone's life which has nothing nice to say about anyone??? The guilt trips are horrific at times, example ' you will miss me when I've gone' ' I am your only mum, the only one you have so I expect nice presents for my bday/Xmas, i don't care if you are short of money'

She's in her 70's now but she certainly is not a nice lady. How on earth do you just ignore it and put up with it when you don't like them as an actual person?

Your mum sounds sounds toxic.

I would go No contact if you can or worse ways go Grey rock and shut her down when she starts on people.

I have gone NC with my family the past 3 years. I couldn't handle the abuse.

Good luck.

Don’t feel guilty, unpleasant people can become parents and grandparents, you drew the short straw.
Content yourself with doing the bare minimum and not being actively cruel. If the bare minimum eventually becomes nothing at all, well it’s a shame but not your fault.

The “you only get one mum” brigade belong to the army of solipsists who can’t imagine dynamics different to the ones they experience. My mum died two months ago, I wish she was still around. This is entirely irrelevant to your situation because despite being exasperating at times, my mum wasn’t a selfish twat and poor mother.

Thank you. I feel so guilty and I wish I had a mum I could do things with and enjoy. She's even said to me she dosent know me or know what to say to me in one breath and then having a go at me the next.
She crossed the line when she started slagging off one of my children when we saw her last and then kept saying oh I've upset you haven't I but I'm allowed my opinion. The more she drank the worse she got and the visit kept getting worse. I barely see her now, I just don't like her as a person. But the guilt.

I ended up hating my mother because of emotional and medical neglect.It is a long story,but left me with about 10 "ACEs" and has led,I believe to PTSD and me allegedly commiting an offence.I discovered childhood trauma only a few weeks ago but identify with it and how it can lead to PTSD...On a questionnaire,I scored 25/30 for symptoms of PTSD.Now I face being punished for being ill.I am a man of 72,only one or 2 friends,divorced for many years,no family.Am seriously considering suicide,not because I am ashamed at what I might have done,but because I cannot cope with the process and I do not want to live in a society which treats mentally ill people like criminals.Crying whilst typing this.

@Classof66

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, if you are feeling suicidal please access some professional support ASAP. There are many people on here who have/had toxic parents which has had wider ramifications in their lives, so lots of us will understand where you are coming from. It sounds like you haven't had the correct support at all. There are so many organisations and people out there on a day to day basis battling the stigma of mental health.

But honestly, please don't feel alone. Give the Samaritans a call if you are in distress right now.

Thank you PinkMonkeyBird.She is dead,died 2005.Before that got dementia and I am not ashamed to say that after the initial meeting after SS advised me of the situation I never visited her in the nursing home.I am not feeling suicidal about her,but the situation in which I find myself owing to the Childhood trauma,and the PTSD.Not an excuse,a reason because two of the symptoms of PTSD are risky behaviour and self destructive actions and I have done several including promiscuity with unprotected sex and trying to do the right thing when I should have "Passed by on the other side".If the current situation does not go the right way,I shall kill myself.

I'm so sorry classof66. How are you feeling today????

I've been reading recently and I'm not sure but I think my mother may be a narcissist. I'm dumb founded by this, in shock. Can anyone help me understand what a narcissist mum behaves like?
Tia

My mother is a narcissist... self centred ,it is all about her, entitled, no empathy, you have to fit into her mold, a liar, goes into a rage and slams phone down and won't speak to you for weeks if you don't agree to do what she says, i could go on and on!

I am low contact, my sister has no contact with her.

My mother was very similar to yours. I went NC about 11 years ago when I realised she was doing absolutely nothing for me apart from bringing me down and making me feel bad about myself. She probably is a narc too and I was a scapegoat to my brothers golden child. When I started to see history being repeated with my own DC I decided I wasn’t going to let her be nasty to be DC. We didn’t have a big falling out more I put in as much effort as she did, after about 6 months I got the guilt trip you only get one mother letter. She cannot accept she ever did one thing wrong in my childhood it’s all my fault. Apparently even as a little girl I made her feel like she was beneath me and that she didn’t have the benefit of a uni education.

Anyway I do not miss her at all, I grieve never having that mother/daughter bond and my children not having a grandma growing up but not her if that makes sense?

I've only just become aware my mum could be a narcissist and I still not sure if I'm wrong.
I'm so confused.
I'm low income, explained bday/Xmas presents were difficult and I wanted to prioritise my kids and families children before adults.. Mum went mad, I'm your only mum, you won't get another, I deserve presents....... Selfish isn't it? I'm so confused.

My mum doesn't like me. I wish she realised it. She occasionally tries to flog a dead relationship.

Worse thing is sometimes my behaviour reflects hers. I try so hard though :(

Sweet kitty that sounds so familiar but I darent go nc. The guilt would kill me.

Nk34...... That sounds scarily like my mum. I've grown up scared of making her cross.

I can not remember ever my mum hugging me or my sibling growing up, ever! Now when I see her she won't stop trying to touch me, holding my knee when sitting next to me, kissing me or hugging me and I can not stand it. I feel awful saying that.

Zombies - there was an excellent website I read ages ago about daughters of narc mothers. Your mother sounds like she is very selfish demanding presents when she knows your situation. My mother used to try the “I’m so poor feel sorry for me” card all the time plus she was always unwell to the point she used to google her symptoms and say she was having a cancer scare. It was all about her.

Thanks sweet kitty, I've been reading up about narcist mums, I'm nearly 50 and I've only become aware that something is really really not right with her and the way she behaves and treats others. I knew she was a bit of a bitch but this is way more.
I have terrible anxiety and my sibling has horrific depression, I'm wondering if it's connected.

Being brought up by a narc makes you tread on eggshells, i refuse to do it now. My mother is now elderly and not in good health, lots of people don't understand when i say i shall mourn the loss of never having the mother that other people have, that makes me sad. My father is an enabler, although i am fond of him it makes me cross that he stood there and allowed the emotional abuse she handed out to us to happen from when we were very young.

My mother never hugged or kissed us as children, we were well fed and clothed but there was no affection at all. She now has dementia and when i last saw her back in the summer she asked for a kiss, it was very strange, i didn't want to but did.

I'm struggling to work out if she's a narc or just difficult tbh. I definitely relate to walking in eggshells as a kid but I'm still walking on them now tbh.

We were also well dressed well fed etc but no affection either. So why now 40 50 years for me too late do they want it?? Its alien to me.
Jogginon me too, sometimes I see her behaviour in me and it terrifies me and makes me feel sick. I do not want to be like her.
Then I wonder if I'm imagining it and blowing her behaviour out of proportion

Because they want to be looked after now OP. It's all about control. I have a similar mother and our family has imploded. I'm no contact now - parents stormed off when boundaries went in, not heard from them for four years. It's upsetting but I can't be in an abusive relationship.

Ohhhh I forgot that nugget of info, she wanted us to sell our house, her to sell hers and move in together.... My parents aren't together now but both have partners. No way could I live with her, I've got youngish kids still.

Try not to feel guilty, she has not behaved like a mother should.
I feel much the same about my mother but she is actually not as bad as yours (sorry I don't mean that to sound wrong). I just mean you are totally justified feeling the way you do.
Once they have said and done a number of things over the years that cannot ever be undone that's it. The clock can't be turned back.
Just keep living your life and don't let her ruin your happiness.