I don't like my mother.

[Zombieseverywhere]

That's it really, if I met her in street I wouldn't want to know her.
She never bothered with hugging me and my sibling growing up but now she's older she's constantly trying to and I just don't like it.
She drinks too much, she's mean, she slags off everyone in the family and dosent understand why they won't visit, as soon as someone does go round she has a go at them. No one likes going there, everyone is fed up to back teeth of her incessant bitching about everyone and the constant guilt trips about not going to see her.
I feel so guilty though, I moved away a long time ago with my partner and our kids, go to see her a few times a year but even that is just too much. But people always say you only get one mum...... I used to miss going back but now I really don't like going.
I'm lucky I have family where I live a sister and her children, she also feels the same and we are both utterly guilt ridden.
How can you want to be part of someone's life which has nothing nice to say about anyone??? The guilt trips are horrific at times, example ' you will miss me when I've gone' ' I am your only mum, the only one you have so I expect nice presents for my bday/Xmas, i don't care if you are short of money'

She's in her 70's now but she certainly is not a nice lady. How on earth do you just ignore it and put up with it when you don't like them as an actual person?

Zombies,thank you for your kind words.I am feeling much better as my GP has referred me for counselling for PTSD.Mother never hugged or kissed me or told me she loved me.After she was divorced from my father,she preferred to go out with boyfriends in the evenings,leaving me with maternal GM who got dementia.As a early teenager in the early 60s,there was no support and I,who was being bullied at school thought I was living with a mad woman.After GM died,I was left alone while still at school on two occasions while (as I discovered later) mother had 2 illegitimate children.My father was a lovely man although I am sure now that he had PTSD after his war experiences,and I had to watch him die of pancreatic cancer when I was 18.When I was about 9 I was assaulted by a neighbour because I had had a fight with his son.So many other things,also as an adult including nearly being murdered in a "road rage" attack.
All you others who are suffering,persist with the medics.

Hi op. Read about personality disorders. You're describing many of the elements such as manipulation, poor boundary awareness, difficulty with relationships and substance abuse.

@Classof66. I'm just coming to the end of EMDR treatment for ptsd. It's been amazing and the past no longer troubles me. Hang in there, it can get better.

@Classof66 I've just come back to this thread to check on how you are and I do hope the counselling for PTSD helps you.

A lot of what you say resonates with me as I had a mother who was not maternal either and similar in the fact she concentrated going out with lots of men rather then look after her children. I was often left to look after my younger siblings at the age of 10...yes this was the 80s but, it really was not on at all. I just think about if I had done that to my own children...very disturbing with all the different emergency scenarios that could have happened. With your situation, that must have been horrendous having to be left to care for your GM with dementia at such a formative time in your life.

It just shows how these toxic parents have no self awareness or empathy. I was sexually abused by a neighbour (a one off incident) and my mother didn't believe me. I was 8 years old when it happened and will never forget the feeling that it was my fault. From that point on I was very suspicious of men in general and was always on my guard. My mother had a few boyfriends who made me feel uncomfortable with things they said etc..and I'm glad that my instinct was to never be alone with them. I think what I'm trying to say is that no child should have to be put in these situations and how awful it is that the people who gave birth to us, quite frankly were too involved in themselves to care enough.

However, I can say I've nearly come through the other side. I suffered from depression and anxiety for most of my teens and adult life and it is only now, in my late 40s that I feel more comfortable with myself and know none of it was my fault at all.

None of what happened is your fault either. I truly wish you all the best.

Has anyone mentioned the FOG yet? Sorry if they have and I am repeating.

Look up the FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

That is where you are now. In the FOG.

Similar mother to you. NC to protect my children.

Remember, not alll narcs are the same. So some of the descriptions will work while others won’t.

When I put up my boundaries I was dropped like a stone. Others are subjugated to on going abuse and boundary pushing.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.
We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster than they can afford to spare.

Thank you all for your kind words.The PTSD may have led me to commiting an offence which I do not wish to mention as it may alter opinions,but let me add,I am male,72,of good character,lonely,virtually no friends,no family....I could well be the man in the TV ad.Day to day,I speak to virtually no one.No family.
I know it will get better,depending on others but I have determined whatever happens,I will be in control,however that turns out.

I should have mentioned that one of the symptoms of PTSD is that sufferers do risky things and self destructive actions;and I have done both.Several times.

My mum is quite similar and i find it unfair I have to feel guilty for not having some sort of perfect mum-daughter relationship. Whenever I see mums and daughters who look really close I just cannot imagine having that relationship - it seems strange but nice.

I hate the feeling that you owe your parents something. It was my choice to have children and to raise them - they owe me nothing when they grow up - but I hope if I’m kind to them then they will enjoy my company and want to have a relationship. I can’t imagine treating them poorly and then trying to guilt them into visiting me. I see my children as separate human beings who deserve respect - it is my job to raise them as best I can but I don’t own them.

@GloriaMumsnet it's not me the op which needs the Info you sent it's one of the posters...........

How are you feeling @Zombieseverywhere?