Can an affair be justified if home life is shit?

[Uniana]

I have two DC with my OH, one of which is disabled. I had been battling PND so the past couple of years have been tough and all intimacy has dwindled because I went off sex, cuddles etc. I wasn't the easiest person to live with whilst in the grips of PND, I was moody and anxious alot and pushed him away. I wasn't making an effort with my appearance and slobbed around in my dressing gown whenever I was home I'm ashamed to say.

I discovered he had been having an affair some months ago and he left to be with the OW after she issued him an ultimatum.

I spent some time collecting my thoughts and reflecting on the relationship, I still loved him and wanted him to come home so eventually told him as much.

We spoke indepth about the problems we had been having and how he felt very lonely and unhappy with how things had been, how I felt toward him etc. He said he did "like" the OW but didn't love her and also wanted to come home and try again because he missed his family.

We agreed to us trying again and i allowed him to return under several conditions one being he cuts contact with previous OW which he has done. He agreed to total transparency and give me access to his accounts and phone.

We have been making more of an effort with one another, date nights, communicating more and physically things are better than they've been in years.

However..

I've read about trauma bonding and I'm wondering whether this is that and whether I'm a mug who will regret this in years to come, or whether anybody can empathise with his side of things

Can a good person be forgiven for straying under these conditions if home life is miserable or am I blinkered?

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Your husband should have stood firm and supported you...no matter how hard it was at times....that's what marriage is about surely? Not go off and shag someone else. Hows that helping the situation?

I'm sorry but no. You're making excuses for him. He cheated on you when times got tough. That's disgraceful!!

You may want him back...you may work it all out...but how will you ever trust him.again? Do you have to be miss perfect with no faults illnesses or bad days...or else he'll need to find someone else? No way. Love should stay strong through good times and bad. Hes let you down badly
Only you know if you can ever truly forgive such a betrayal
Good luck.x

he felt very lonely and unhappy with how things had been, how I felt toward him etc

Did he try and talk to you about this before starting an affair?

He left you for the OW when she issued an ultimatum, now he's back with you because although he did "like" her enough to leave you, now what... he's decided likes you better than her?

He sounds really weak and flakey.

It's all a bit meh- it's not like he was exactly begging you to take him back, he sounds like one of those men that chooses the path of least resistance.

Could you ever trust him if times got rough again?

It seems like you’re allowing yourself to explain his affair away and justify it by blaming yourself. It’s not your fault at all, he chose to have an affair.

I’m sure many men are lonely, don’t feel appreciated, are lacking the closeness they would like, but they don’t all go off and have an affair. IMO that’s a good get out of jail card for him to put it on you and suggesting you caused his actions. You seem very understanding and he’s playing on that.

IMO once the trust has gone, it’s gone. Some people will be able to get past it, but not over. The odd one or two will be able to get past it and over it. If you think you can then fair enough, but I personally couldn’t forgive an affair.

That’s not to say couples can’t have their differences/fall out of love etc... but then being honest and splitting up with your partner is the moral option. That would be the selfless thing to do. Having an affair is the selfish route to take.

I just find it difficult to comprehend that someone that truly loves their partner would do such a thing. I can’t believe they do love them in a way they deserve to be loved.

Obviously it’s up to you, but you sound lovely and he sounds like a rat (sorry not sorry) I wish you all the luck I’m the world and I hope it works out for you whatever you chose xx

Thank you, I think I needed to hear that as my gut is telling me the same.

I was so desperate to rebuild our family I began to blame myself in order to be able to see him as worth forgiving, iykwim.

I do love him, god I love him, but the thoughts of what he did are never far behind when we've had a lovely evening or slept together.

It's no way to live really is it, I'm also struggling to rebuild trust although it is early days. If there's any slight change to his routine my mind goes into over drive and I worry that it's happening again.

I can't be perfect one hundred percent of the time nor should that be expected of me.

I wish he hadn't crossed that line

The problem is that your forgiveness doesn't make you more valuable, loved, appreciated in the cheater's eye - they devalue you further for your forgiveness, you are considered a total mug and worth even less (and their fear of being caught next time even less) than before the affair.

You're in a no win position, the best outcome is the least long term damage, which is to leave whilst you still have as much of your sanity and self esteem still intact as possible.

OP... I could have written your post. We tried for two years to get our marriage back on track after he strayed. I woke up one morning and realised that I couldn't fundamentally trust him anymore. I didn't want to be with someone who rushed into another's arms when the going got tough. Needless to say we broke up.

I'd have loved for it to have worked- but I couldn't get over he's indiscretion.

I'm sure there are couples who can get through it. I'd really recommend marriage counselling. For us it helped me to understand a lot of how I felt, and meant that the goodbye was more considered.

You will never get a balanced view on MN.

Meanwhile in the real world... shit happens. No relationship is perfect and people make poor decisions some times.

There is a lot of context which makes sense of why he might have been struggling, but IMHO having an affair is selfish and cowardly and I do wonder how anyone ever can really trust someone who's shown those colours.

Him being somebody who chooses the path of least resistance rings true for sure, and it's also a fact that he wasn't begging for me back. After he left he was making contact saying how he still loved me but it was me who instigated a serious talk with a view to him coming home.

In regards to the OW I believe she could have been anybody and the affair was never about her but about what he gained from it, a lot of sex perhaps and ego boosting which he wasn't getting here and hadn't been for some time.

The old cliche they tell the OW about how home life is miserable and the wife isn't interested in sex just happened to be true in this case.

The ultimatum she issued was that he were to leave me immediately and go to her like they had planned otherwise she would tell me herself. He took the cowards way out and legged it before she could tell me, only telling me himself once he had left.

I asked why he didn't come clean and have a conversation about it giving me the opportunity to decide how to proceed rather than leaving us. He said that he thought I would throw him out the second she told me regardless and he panicked, claiming to have felt pushed into making a snap decision which he regretted because it was never his intention to leave me, when he began seeing her. He says.

I'm still trying to come to terms with it all and struggling. One day I'm certain I want to move forward and the next I'm not sure because I feel a fool.

I think affairs can be forgiven but noone will ever agree on mumsnet. I dont think cheating is the world's biggest crime but mumsnet does.
I would try to make it work if thats what you both want.

No. If home life is shit. Leave. It's not rocket science. People can move on from them but they never forget. It will often keep popping up throughout the rest of the relationship it won't suddenly go away.

I dont think cheating is the world's biggest crime but mumsnet does.

Of course it's not the world's biggest crime what a stupid statement. But no one else can tell others how they should feel about something thag hurts them. Perhaps you have not yet been the victim of one or perhaps you just don't give a shit if someone disrespects you like that but I'm sorry, you can't decide that someone shouldn't be upset over them. They can and do ruin lives and trust etc. People here often give their take on it based on experience. It's wrong to make out they're OTT and their experience and feelings on it are disproportionate. Totally insensitive post.

I've always said there are two types of cheaters; serial opportunists and those that are driven to it via a miserable situation.

If your husband is genuinely remorseful and willing to work to put it right then theres a chance you can overcome it. It's hard going though and wont be a quick fix.

To be honest, I wouldn't excuse or justify his behaviour.

I am by no means comparing you to my ex - but to provide context, I was married to a lazy, selfish man who constantly squandered our family money, plunged us into debt, neglected our kids and would not pull his weight, criticized constantly, lied about everything, watched pornography constantly, was online dating, tried to alienate me from my family, was arrogant, entitled and rude to the point that he offended everyone he came into contact with... and the list goes on and on.

I did not cheat on him. I divorced him. There's no excuse really. If someone is unhappy they express that to their partner to make an effort for their relationship or they end that relationship and then move on. There's no in between...I would not accept what he did.

Do you trust him now?

Is he doing a fair share of ordinary stuff, can you tell him how you feel etc, or do you feel you’re doing the “pick me dance”?

A doctor friend observes that a lot of fathers of DC with additional needs let down or leave their families

And actually...my ex made up all sorts of crap about how unhappy our home life was (often instigated by him - deliberately picking fights SO THAT he could justify his premeditated disappearances and unfaithfulness)...so all the more reason to see that logic as a pretense. Cheaters don't have reasons, that's just their nature.

Our heads are more vulnerable to being ’turned’ when things aren't great. I believe that. But the reality of life is that some parts are hard and shitty. If everyone just went off with someone ese during a ’bad patch’ then no relationships would go the distance. Being able to weather the hard times is the real test and he failed. I'm sure he struggled, felt lonely etc... But he lacked the faith that things could get better and rather than giving it 100% to make it that way he took the easier route. My issue would be trust. What if hard times cane again, would he take that same route?

I’ve name changed for this for obvious reasons. I’ve been the cheater in this situation. All I can tell you is that I’m normally a good, kind, caring and loving person who has always put my family first. But, after years in a loveless, sexless, affectionless marriage where, due to having a disabled DC too, we felt compelled to stay together, I allowed my head to be turned by someone who’d been pursuing me for a few years. It was like I’d fallen so low that I was vulnerable even though in all the prior years of my marriage (15 yrs) I’d never even remotely looked at another man. Cheating was something other people did. Not people like me.

I’m not making excuses for your DH or myself. Of course it’s wrong to be so deceitful. But, I’m just trying to say that you can still be an ok human and make this sort of mistake if you feel so alone within your marriage and unable to get what you need from your partner, particularly if it’s been over a prolonged period. That’s also not to say it’s your fault by the way. He could and should have talked to you.

Only you will know if you can forgive and build trust and whether you want to put in all that effort.

On MN you only see the most robust condemnation of people having affairs. It’s always wrong, it’s always deceitful I accept that but like another poster said there are different situations and different types of cheaters.

I wish you luck OP and I’m sorry for the hard time you’ve had and are having. I know it’s not easy with a disabled child.

There were warning signs if I reflect on the months leading up to the affair, for example he would be asking me things like "be honest, are you happy with me?" and "do you still want to be with me or are you only staying for the children?" and I think that was when he was on the verge of starting something with OW, so I do wonder whether if I had invested some time and effort into the marriage at that point then he may not have proceeded. It feels almost like he was looking for me to help him decide whether or not to go ahead and do it.

Affair aside, the marriage had gone to shit and we were living like housemates.

I can remember them conversations clearly and I swatted them away at the time saying there were more important things to be concentrating on (DS upcoming appointments, health etc) rather than the state of our marriage.

Truth be told at the time I did feel like I had fallen out of love with him, I also suspect this was in part due to the nature of PND.

I can see why he would have felt rejected without a doubt, but I'm still struggling with the reality of the choice he made.

I wasn't interested in him physically until I knew he had another option which is warped in itself I know, I was always attracted to him and thought he is very handsome. I just didn't want sex

However now he's back we are intimate multiple times a day and I'm enjoying that part of a relationship again.

It feels like it took him leaving for me to realise that actually I do love this man, I do want him in our bed (he had been in the spare room for some time partly due to snoring)

That's why I'm confused whether this is trauma bonding or whether it's a case of not knowing what I had until it was gone.

And I’d also say to people on here saying if you’re unhappy you just leave, it really really isn’t that easy when you have a disabled DC that needs constant care. Sometimes hard or bad patches are your actual life. There is no end. It’s just how you live. Anyway, my reason for posting was just to give an alternative perspective. Not to justify his actions just to say that he may now be totally genuine and regretful.

Thank you for the replies I'm reading them all and taking everything in but don't know how to tag individual posters

I stayed, my DH has done everything in his power to make it better and I love him, but it isn't the same and 5 years later I am still tormented by it. Perhaps it would have been better to walk away all those years ago, I don't know, all I can say is that it still hurts, I still worry, I question everything. I am sorry that you have had to go through this.

No.

Thats also something I'm struggling with if I'm honest, the fact he walked out and left me (struggling person with PND) to care for the DC single handedly when he knows how hard looking after DS is. I can't get my head around how he could do that and that hurt more than the affair in some senses.

Good luck OP

Not justified but you might be able to move on from it as a couple if both parties are on board.