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Original poster

Can an affair be justified if home life is shit?

58 replies

Uniana · 30/12/2019 20:43

I have two DC with my OH, one of which is disabled. I had been battling PND so the past couple of years have been tough and all intimacy has dwindled because I went off sex, cuddles etc. I wasn't the easiest person to live with whilst in the grips of PND, I was moody and anxious alot and pushed him away. I wasn't making an effort with my appearance and slobbed around in my dressing gown whenever I was home I'm ashamed to say.

I discovered he had been having an affair some months ago and he left to be with the OW after she issued him an ultimatum.

I spent some time collecting my thoughts and reflecting on the relationship, I still loved him and wanted him to come home so eventually told him as much.

We spoke indepth about the problems we had been having and how he felt very lonely and unhappy with how things had been, how I felt toward him etc. He said he did "like" the OW but didn't love her and also wanted to come home and try again because he missed his family.

We agreed to us trying again and i allowed him to return under several conditions one being he cuts contact with previous OW which he has done. He agreed to total transparency and give me access to his accounts and phone.

We have been making more of an effort with one another, date nights, communicating more and physically things are better than they've been in years.

However..

I've read about trauma bonding and I'm wondering whether this is that and whether I'm a mug who will regret this in years to come, or whether anybody can empathise with his side of things

Can a good person be forgiven for straying under these conditions if home life is miserable or am I blinkered?

OP posts:
Pfffffft · 30/12/2019 22:42

OP I actually told my DH that I was attracted to someone else before anything happened. I thought by telling him and getting it out in the open that it would kill it for me. That I wouldn’t possibly act on the attraction if I’d laid it bare. My DH barely reacted. Nothing changed. Nothing much was said. His lack of interest at that time was a factor in me ultimately going ahead. Again, not my DHs fault. I took the decision to act on it, to lie and to break my marriage vows. Just as your DH must take responsibility. I don’t know about trauma bonding. How long has he been back?

If things feel right for now, why would you regret this time and effort you’re investing in trying to mend your marriage?

letmeinthroughyourwindow · 30/12/2019 22:42

I think that your dh had a responsibility to you and your children to try every way he could to save the marriage. It is perhaps understandable that he was unhappy in the circumstances, but he didn't discuss it with you, suggest counselling or do any of the things he is doing now. Instead, he put all of his energies and efforts into an affair - the nail in the coffin.

I know several couples who stayed together after an affair. One of them appears to be solid and strong, but the other three are not at all. Two of them intend to separate when their children leave home and have just limped along, making each other even more miserable.

I am sure it is possible for a cheat to genuinely be sorry and spend the rest of their life trying to make up for it, but only you know whether that is your dh, and whether you can forgive him regardless. You could consider counselling to work through it or to help you to separate.

Pfffffft · 30/12/2019 22:44

I can see why you would feel betrayed at him leaving you to cope with everything whilst you were unwell yourself. Have you talked to him about that?

Pfffffft · 30/12/2019 22:47

Is he a good partner to you now in terms of supporting you in day to day life? You’ve mentioned the intimacy being back and that being good but do you feel like a strong practical partnership too?

user1481840227 · 30/12/2019 22:53

It's hysterical bonding, not trauma bonding.

Hysterical bonding doesn't always last.

I don't think that affairs are black and white, however just because I don't always think cheaters are bad people or even if I could see how it might have happened, I think it's rare that there would be a happy outcome for the relationship. I think people can often forgive but not forget, and not being able to forget is what slowly tears people apart in the end!

Original poster
Uniana · 30/12/2019 22:57

Thank you for the continued replies, it's almost therapeutic me being able to talk openly about this here.

In terms of practicality I can't fault him, he does more than his share of parenting before/after work and when he's off. I'm returning to work myself in the first week of January at which point he'll be adapting his hours to accommodate that. He is a hands on dad and takes the reins if I'm having a bad day. He cooks regularly and is thoughtful in other ways, he puts me before himself most of the time (cheating aside)

I haven't spoken in depth about how I feel about him leaving me with the DC, I need to do that. The problem is he feels so embarrassed and uncomfortable talking about the affair, I'm almost nervous about raising it now and rocking the boat. He has been back 6 weeks.

I appreciate the perspectives of those who themselves have been unfaithful too. It all helps to hear.

OP posts:
Original poster
Uniana · 30/12/2019 22:58

Ah hysterical bonding that's the one, apologies. I was reading about it recently and confused the two

OP posts:
Pfffffft · 30/12/2019 23:06

Maybe you just need to give yourself a bit of time OP and keep talking on here or in RL if you can. You may be able to access free counselling in your area. I did and the wait wasn’t too long though I appreciate that might not be the case in all areas. Also the start of a new year is always a very reflective time and maybe you’re looking for answers that just aren’t there yet.

As for upsetting him and rocking the boat by asking him to talk about things, I think that’s one of the prices he has to pay for being the one who cheated and left. If that’s what you need to help you.

I wish you all the very best Smile

TraceyLee84 · 30/12/2019 23:06

in Sickness and health why say them and not stick around

AllThatPalaver · 30/12/2019 23:34

in Sickness and health why say them and not stick around

Agree. It's like those who have been cheated on are told if things weren't great that's why the other party cheated. Why is it up to one party to make sure they're being the perfect husband or wife so their partner doesn't cheat?? Sounds ridiculous. I'd I have to work so hard alone to make sure my husband is so so happy to prevent him from cheating then I don't want him.... Fancy it being the hurt parties fault for not making the other half happy enough...
Cheaters are lowlifes. There is another option. Cheating is a cop out so they don't have to communicate and face issues. They deserve all the misery in the world... And I don't care if it's "out of character because they're usually the sweetest nicest person" bullshit. You have shown that was all an act by hurting others.... Horrible people. No such thing as being driven to it. What a weak excuse.

lovethesunshineways · 30/12/2019 23:42

@deffonamechange I agree with you. I used to think that an affair was 100% unforgivable, but until you've walked that path you just don't know how you will react. You've got children so if you still love him and want to be with him then there's no harm in trying to work at staying together x

DforDelicious · 31/12/2019 00:03

I used to think that an affair was 100% unforgivable, but until you've walked that path you just don't know how you will react

As someone who has, yes you don't know how you'll react. Though I don't think they're forgivable. I moved on with my husband and we are still together. Trust is gone, my trust in anyone is gone. If I were to leave I'd never trust anyone again so better the devil you know I guess.

Does he think I've forgiven and forgotten? Yes. Yes he does. Because I don't bring it up. The truth is it ruined my life. I suffer depression and anxiety. I barely leave the house. I've pushed all my friends away and isolated myself. To the outside world we got through it and are "strong" it's what I want people to think. I don't want them to see I made a terrible mistake by staying so I'll play the part so I don't look like a failure a second time.

People never get over this fully even if they stay together, often they keep staying together so the outside world, who mostly advised against staying, doesn't know they regret not taking the advice.

It isn't an easy path and will not get easier. It will always be in the back of your mind and IMO it isn't worth the ruined life by staying. My advice to anyone asking this will be to leave or you'll end up old, bitter and miserable.... Many refuse to heed the warnings from those who have been there though and have to do the time themselves which is fine. I did, I refused to listen because I knew best, we were different. And I regret not listening but it's too late now.

Death will find me peace though, so I sit and wait.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 31/12/2019 00:07

My ex was depressed , abusive , and deeply unhappy
I never cheated on him . Had a few crushes , some flirtation but never actually cheated as it felt wrong . And I am not an angel

I think your partner shat in you and kicked you when you were down

Whilst I don’t want to stereotype men have been normalised to think their sexual needs are very very critical . They really are not

Pfffffft · 31/12/2019 00:27

@AllThatPalaver your post sums up the general attitude on here to affairs. You’ve basically said that the act of someone cheating undoes and makes a lie all previous examples of good character. People aren’t just defined by cheating. It doesn’t nullify or make all their previous behaviour in life an act. How utterly ridiculous. In my case, the only person who was hurt by my actions was me. Badly. My DH never knew. And spare me the whole you need to tell him so he knows what you are speech. In my case, my marriage was and is awful but because of our particular circumstances I strongly felt that I couldn’t leave my DC. My DH is at liberty to end our relationship at any time, just as I am, but neither of us will because we have a DC with a serious disability and looking after him would be practically impossible for as a single parent.

I accept that I can’t possibly know what it’s like to be cheated on and so I’ll leave the thread but really wanted to share my experience with the OP in case it might be helpful for her to see the other side.

Original poster
Uniana · 31/12/2019 00:28

Thank you all

Dfor you sound so sad, I'm so sorry you've been put through that. My heart sank when i read your closing sentence.

I'm also depressed and anxious. I was before he cheated, but now I have just another reason to be.

For the past two days I've felt nothing but doom, I believe this is because I haven't allowed myself to process things and instead I've pushed the grief down below the surface and haven't handled it appropriately.. instead pouring every last bit of my energy into trying to make things good at home.

I haven't wanted him to know I'm feeling this bad, because I have a subconscious fear that he'll think "oh great she's going downhill again" and then will regret coming back. I have no reason to worry about that other than the affair itself. He is presenting as remorseful, caring and supportive. For now.

At this moment I want to make things work but the future seems so uncertain and that's frightening. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or next week. It's all just shit. I do love the man but hate what he has done.

OP posts:
Changedthename · 31/12/2019 00:30

Phfffft, your take on things has been very insightful and I appreciate you sharing what you have especially as you also have a disabled child and can understand that dynamic

Original poster
Uniana · 31/12/2019 00:31

Oh balls, name change fail

OP posts:
DforDelicious · 31/12/2019 00:35

People aren’t just defined by cheating.

For some of us who's life has been destroyed by it, it can define the character of someone. Which is each individuals right. If someone does not want to associate with a cheat or decides if someone who does that is a bad person that's their prerogative.

Not sure you get to tell people how to feel about cheaters because you were one and have a higher opinion of yourself than that. You are free to do as you want, but as with everything in life others are free to judge you for it if they see fit...

JanesKettle · 31/12/2019 00:39

No.

If life and the relationship is that shit, you get out of it first, before starting up something with someone else.

I don't care how shit the situation is. Not OK. Not ethical.

Lonely sad people not excepted.

JanesKettle · 31/12/2019 00:41

And yeah, for me it does define someone's character. It shows me that when the chips are down, they will choose to behave unethically and harm another person.

Cheaters have to live with the fact that their behaviour and their character is judged. Easy way to avoid it - don't have an affair.

JanesKettle · 31/12/2019 00:43

As to how you will react - yeah, I reacted with 'forgiveness'. Ten years down the road I trace the end of our relationship back to his affair.

Break something precious, and yeah, you might be able to glue it back together, but the cracks will always be there.

2018anewstart · 31/12/2019 00:57

Personally I don't think an affair is ever justified. If you are unhappy you should talk or leave your partner not start an affair. Can you forgive? I think the cheater needs to be 100% making an effort. I took my husband back with massive doubts after a 2 year affair. He came back telling me it was the best decision he'd ever made asking to come back. 2 years later I caught him cheating again. I could never ever be with someone I didn't trust fully again.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 31/12/2019 01:32

I am genuinely curious to the phrase some of us who's life has been destroyed by it

As I read this a lot on here . My ex was extremely abusive , which did and does give me MH issues . But I truly don’t think it’s destroyed my life . Damaged yes , destroyed no . If someone cheats they are (arguably) a shit and disloyal partner , and the other party has every right to end it , lick their wounds and move on . But I
Am saddened that it would destroy a life
Life seems to me
Precious for that

macro1148 · 31/12/2019 01:46

I don't think an affair is ever justified, but I do think there can be reasons for it. Whether you can trust him again or move forward is entirely up to you, this forum is too small to outline your entire history. It does give me pause that he only told you once the OW threatened to reveal the relationship. Also I do think the extent of the affair matters...was it only physical, did they go on actual dates and talk on the phone?

Had he talked to you about the issues first? I don't think it's fair to blame yourself, no matter the circumstances, if he didn't discuss his needs first. Sorry this isn't a straightforward answer but life is complicated :( I hope you can find what will make you happy.

AgentJohnson · 31/12/2019 07:10

The novelty of having sex multiple times a day will soon wear off and then what? If you want to move forward, you both need to communicate better.

Counselling would be a good opportunity to talk and work through your issues. Don’t repeat the mistakes of the past by not addressing the issues triggered by the affair, reconciliation and PND.

There’s nothing to say you can’t work through this but denial won’t and fear of addressing your emotions won’t help.