Can an affair be justified if home life is shit?

[Uniana]

I have two DC with my OH, one of which is disabled. I had been battling PND so the past couple of years have been tough and all intimacy has dwindled because I went off sex, cuddles etc. I wasn't the easiest person to live with whilst in the grips of PND, I was moody and anxious alot and pushed him away. I wasn't making an effort with my appearance and slobbed around in my dressing gown whenever I was home I'm ashamed to say.

I discovered he had been having an affair some months ago and he left to be with the OW after she issued him an ultimatum.

I spent some time collecting my thoughts and reflecting on the relationship, I still loved him and wanted him to come home so eventually told him as much.

We spoke indepth about the problems we had been having and how he felt very lonely and unhappy with how things had been, how I felt toward him etc. He said he did "like" the OW but didn't love her and also wanted to come home and try again because he missed his family.

We agreed to us trying again and i allowed him to return under several conditions one being he cuts contact with previous OW which he has done. He agreed to total transparency and give me access to his accounts and phone.

We have been making more of an effort with one another, date nights, communicating more and physically things are better than they've been in years.

However..

I've read about trauma bonding and I'm wondering whether this is that and whether I'm a mug who will regret this in years to come, or whether anybody can empathise with his side of things

Can a good person be forgiven for straying under these conditions if home life is miserable or am I blinkered?

I think some people can get over it, but they have to live with the trust issue...no one ever truly trusts again after an affair. The knock on is that will you years down the line keep regretting it as it can be poisonous to your self esteem and the relationship

I know of a friend of friend who did forgive. Except she didn't in reality. After 5 years it was still eating away at her and they divorced, but he was shocked as he thought they had worked through it and were over it

OP are you being treated for your PND? And is it helping? I had PND twice and I also had one disabled DC. Don't make a decision to leave or stay while you're mentally in a bad place. I agree with PPs that the fact he only left when the OW issued an ultimatum sounds spineless. I do think counselling for you alone and also as a couple would be helpful.

Op , you sound so torn. I think you should give your marriage another go , but ... put a time on it. If in 1 year or 18 months from now you still can't get over or move on at all from his deceit then call it a day. I think you will always wonder if you could have worked through it otherwise. In that time though , try to genuinely put it behind you and build your marriage. Get some counselling ( you may feel differently about it all after that anyway and not want to continue ). Your dh let you and your family down , you seem to know him and think he is sorry.

It does sound like you’re playing the “pick me dance”, scared to talk about your feelings; and scared to show any low feelings in fear of your H’s reaction due to his response to your MH issue

Suggest couple’s counselling with someone well qualified: will provide a structured environment to talk about it and make your H’s intentions clear.

You may in time decide to divorce - you can take a decision at any time if it’s not working for you.

He's had his cake and ate it too. He's had the affair, left you for her then realised the grass wasn't greener and you've taken him back.

Thousands upon thousands of couples come through infidelity and out the other side.
Often stronger for it.
It's the longer and harder path, that's for sure.
But it can and does work for many couples.

There were obvious issues.
You admit that.
But...... He absolutely should have tried to resolve issues with you before embarking on an affair. Or... he should have ended your relationship before cheating.
Another but.... that did not happen.
So now it's entirely up to you.

You will need some counselling. Then couples counselling could help you rebuild.
You can absolutely give this a go. If he really wants this too, then it could work.
IF he is 100% committed to making it work. You have to be 100% committed as well.
Do some reading. Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass is a good book to read together!
Small steps to start with and it could work.

But, you always have the option to end things if YOU want to.
Just because you agree to try doesn't mean it WILL work.
It might not. And you need to be prepared to walk away if it's not working for you.

Something to think about with hysterical bonding....It's common, but I think generally the shit hits the fan more often than not, eventually that wears off, you said you are afraid to bring things up and rock the boat, but the need to talk about it and get angry and take it all out on him will most likely come out at some point.....but I don't think men really get that, they think that everything is going great and they're rebuilding after the affair, and things have been going great, lots of sex and passion....so when the anger etc. hits they wonder where the hell it came from, because everything was fine, and seem to get angry and then blame their partners for ruining everything!

Suddenly you’re intimate multiple times a day? I hope for your sake this is what you really want and not because you’re afraid he’ll leave you again for someone more interested in sex.