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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would you ask him who he was with last night?

76 replies

xmasevebirthdaygirl · 29/12/2019 09:42

Guy who I'm "seeing" isn't committed to me and is seeing lots of other women.
When I say seeing,it's pretty much just sleeping with them.
He texts so many women.
I've thought about starting the new year a fresh slate and just saying leave me alone.
Last night he didn't speak to me (the night before constant texts ) so he was with someone.
So do I ask him who he was with?
Or play it cool and pretend I don't care?
I hate knowing but I hate not knowing too.

OP posts:
LuckyShoe · 29/12/2019 11:28

OP I think you need counselling. Trust me what you are feeling right now is far worse than loneliness.

Is he worth losing your friends over? There are ways to tackle loneliness that involve you getting out and about and meeting new people. He has no respect for you. Your friends will lose all respect for you and most worrying you appear to have no respect for yourself.

Block him. Move on. He doesn’t want you. You shouldn’t let him do this to you.

Brot64 · 29/12/2019 11:29

You seriously need to work on yourself and forget about being with anyone at the moment. That you would willingly accept such behaviour and disrespect from him tells me you have unresolved underlaying issues probably related to your self worth/self-esteem.

This man can never and will never respect you or be with you as you wish and your MH will be significantly impacted by this situation. You need to figure out why you are putting up with such nonsense and loneliness is no excuse.

Equanimitas · 29/12/2019 11:32

I'm so lonely ..and sometimes any scraps is better than none.

No, these scraps aren't better than none. Get rid of him and use the time to get out and about and meet new people and make new friends. Are you working?

ScreamingLadySutch · 29/12/2019 11:32

"My mental health is taking a bartering" - this is why his treatment of you is not good for you.

Look back on your past and search why an emotionally unavailable person has hooked you in.

Why does getting this completely uncaring person to care for you, so important?

Its not him, its this hook that is keeping you stuck.

MrsAJ27 · 29/12/2019 11:33

He has told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, so why are you wasting your time??? He isn't suddenly going to change his mind! He is getting a kick out of knowing how much you want him and relaying the sordid details to you...do you really want a man that brags about shagging a married woman behind a bar?!

Block him and start building a life for yourself, learn to love yourself and know your worth.

Good Luck

ineedaholiday11 · 29/12/2019 11:34

In the nicest possible way why do you keep posting the same thing to get the same replies? I can see why your friends are annoyed.

Bottom line is if he liked you he'd make it official. You're convenient attention as it strikes his ego.

I suspect you'll just carry on, but if I were you I'd block him and move on. You're never going to move forward if you do not do this.

bloodywhitecat · 29/12/2019 11:35

Concentrate on rebuilding your friendships, they are far more important than this man.

StealthMama · 29/12/2019 11:38

Jesus women get some self esteem will you. Is this really all you think you can get?

If you Haven't slept with him since October you're not really seeing him are you? Sounds like he just comes to you when he needs feeding and a good rest after his antics...

I know Mumsnet is a supportive place but this type of post really annoys me. Why have you given him control? Do you live with yours eyes closed every day?

Get a back bone and start living your life like you mean it. It's not a dress rehearsal, it's the real thing right now!

magoria · 29/12/2019 11:40

You won't meet anyone else while like this.

He will dump you when he meets someone better and you will then be as alone as you will be if you make the break.

The only difference in the two is your self-esteem and self respect.

ohwheniknow · 29/12/2019 11:43

3 friends is a lot. Don't throw them away for someone who doesn't give a fuck about you.

sandybanana · 29/12/2019 11:45

Seriously. Get some moral and some self esteem and fucking bin the twat.

He sounds like an absolute prick; get rid.

LolaDarkdestroyer · 29/12/2019 11:46

Have some self respect ffs block and move on.

Somanysocks · 29/12/2019 11:47

You need to lose this person. You obviously have very low self esteem and no self respect.

Being with him is not helping you at all. I know you say any scrap is better than none but it is not true, you are clearly miserable.

Raise your bar, he sounds foul.

DBML · 29/12/2019 12:06

Op

There is no future with this man. You are nothing more to him than a friend who he shags every once in a while, but even then he’d prefer to go out and find someone else. He is not keeping you hanging...he is being completely honest and upfront with you. He is even telling you who he is shagging and when.

Your dignity and emotional well-being are in tatters, but that’s not his fault. It’s yours. Because you insist on clinging on to something that’s not even there. You think that he must feel something for you, if he can sleep in a bed with you and cuddle or have sex with you. He doesn’t and again, he’s told you that.

I don’t understand what these ‘scraps’ are that you feel you are getting? For every hug or shag he gives you, he gives you far more stories of his other conquests. It must tear you up inside! How is that better than nothing?

I can’t describe to you how nice it is to be loved. To be the only woman in your partner’s life. To have someone crazy about you. To have someone tell you and the world how much they adore you. It’s wonderful; peaceful; satisfying. YOU and only YOU are preventing yourself from finding someone who treats you like their princess. YOU are in control. Currently you are allowing this, you could if you wanted to stop this misery, which is what it is...pure misery.

I hope you treat yourself better in 2020, but somehow I doubt that you’ll take on our advice, when you don’t even listen to your friends.

SarahNade · 29/12/2019 12:37

When are you going to stop creating threads, asking the same thing, over and over and over? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3776054-he-says-when-he-meets-someone-he-will-stop-speaking-to-me-stop-it-now?pg=1

You've been told to dump him, block him, you say you will. Then 2 days later, create another thread. Why are you doing this?

Elieza · 29/12/2019 18:17

Stick with your three friends. And stop pissing them off by making bad decisions.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he would have asked you months ago. He’s not that into you. He’s a drinker and takes drugs. He shags women left right and centre. He’s got goodness knows what STDs by now. Get your sexual health checked out and move on. Join a club or something to get out a bit more. Waste no more time on that using loser. Fresh start for 2020.

Deploredmemoryofher · 30/12/2019 00:08

Have you read about the 30-day no contact rule, OP? It's usually to help people get over a breakup or to get the person back but it might help you to read up on it. You could decide not to be in contact with him for 30 days or you could start small and just not reply to him for 24 hours if he messages you. It sounds like you feel it would be hard to block and delete him right now. The idea is that after 30 days you'll feel so good you won't want to contact him.

How old are you? You seem to be in a lot of pain over this guy. Anyone who treats someone like that isn't a good guy, he's not a catch. Have you thought about why you're so focused on him when you should be focused on you and what makes you feel good? Say he did want to be in a relationship with you, based on what you've described he doesn't seem like a good partner.

I've been in a situation where I drove myself crazy obsessing over someone who dumped me and then tried to downgrade me to a FWB situation. He talked about the other women he was with, what he liked about them etc. He was being "honest", yes, but I realised he enjoyed the control over me and the drama and pain he was causing. It fed his ego. He wasn't a good guy but I thought he was amazing for months. Really he was a loser who didn't have much going for him and got his kicks out of thinking women were crazy about him.

If you're not prepared to end it, there are things you can do to feel better right now, things to calm your nervous system and give your body a break from the stress of ruminating/obsessing.
-deep breathing exercises
-meditation podcasts
-cardio exercise
-yoga
-writing
You could watch videos on YouTube about self-love and self confidence, get out and laugh. You should just try some of these things, not with a goal in mind but just see if you can feel better.

There are men out there who will give you the good things you are getting from this self-absorbed, inadequate man without the pain but with so much more good stuff. Where do you want to be this summer? Still in pain over someone who derives pleasure from using and hurting you or do you want to be happy and free and in a position where he would be jealous of you if he knew how great you were doing.

I promise you if you can just stop contacting him for a few days or a week (it doesn't have to be "forever" right now) there will be a point very soon where you're embarrassed by your lack of self-respect and the fact you spent so long putting his needs above your own. You'll feel repulsed by him.

You deserve better because every one deserves better than this.

PerfectionistProcrastinator · 30/12/2019 01:24

Oh op Sad

I think a great deal of us have experienced similar behaviour from men in the past.

Watch this video :

Whilst it is slightly American cheese I think it sums up really well how to let yourself move past this. This man is doing you no good, and sadly that will not change.

MashedSpud · 30/12/2019 01:29

Congratulations, this is your millionth post about a loser who you’re clinging onto.

How’s that going for you?

rainbowlou · 30/12/2019 01:31

I imagine your self esteem and self worth will improve 100% if you dump this loser and block him from your life!
I can’t judge, Ive been where you are now and it’s soul destroying but please look at the positives in your life and concentrate on them.
Work on yourself and stay away from dating until you’re stronger, you are vulnerable now and another abusive arsehole will
Swoop in and take his place (speaking from experience) Flowers

ChishandFips33 · 30/12/2019 01:38

Move on and move up.

You are worth more than this

1forAll74 · 30/12/2019 02:16

Why on earth would you wan't to spend any time at all with this Jerk ?
It sounds as though he has no respect for you,or for any of the other women he is interested in.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/12/2019 02:24

Block and move on

And repeat ad nauseum . . . . . . . .

MsDogLady · 30/12/2019 04:38

No, do not ask. Why would you torture yourself?

OP, you are still clinging to this manipulative narcissist who enjoys using and tormenting you. You have repeatedly asked him to cease mentioning his other women. He knows that this hurts you, but he refuses to stop. He recently told you about 3, one of whom is a married woman he shagged behind the bar where she works. Hmm You figure that he is currently juggling 7 or 8 of you.

He says that he doesn’t do feelings or relationships. He throws you crumbs to keep you dangling, but gets jealous if you talk to other men. As a result of his mistreatment, you feel utterly inadequate.

Take control, find your self-respect, and walk away from this toxic loser. He is not going to change, and you will soon be diminished beyond recognition..

80sstyle · 30/12/2019 05:10

Do you work op?

Surely all this angst is affecting all aspects of your life.

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