Husband a selfish knob...

[Tryingtowininlife]

Hi all!
First time poster so please go easy on me 😫
My husband spends most of his time coaching/socialising at rugby club and I’m about to lose the plot! We both work full time and we have 3 kids together. Every Tuesday & Thursday evening, All day Saturday and Sunday morning is spent at the club which makes doing anything together as a family pretty impossible! Tuesday and Thursdays are rugby practice evenings and team selection- he’s usually there at about 6pm and comes home anytime between 9.30-11pm!! Saturday he’s away all bloody day and doesn’t get home until after 9pm (usually returns pissed up) and Sunday morning he coaches until about 2pm.
Ive honestly had enough- I feel like he’s taking the piss out of me all the time and I’m getting really annoyed that all my evenings and weekends seem to fit around his rugby! I know he doesn’t have to go to every game as when he’s got something planned with his mates he goes out with them and someone else does the coaching. I get that he’s got a hobby but should his hobby be affecting his home and family time??? I honestly feel like a single parent!!!
Help please before I smack him around the head with the wok (which is looking like a great idea at moment 🤪)

Have you sat down together and made your frustrations clear or has your resentment been building up?

Your points are all valid - he seems to be seeing how far he can push it to get away with things so you need to remind him of his duties as a husband and father. He's not single anymore and is being selfish. It's good for us all to have outside interests but he is ignoring your needs by the sounds of it. It's amazing how short sighted some people can be, expecting everyone to agree to all their selfish plans. Suggest you set a specific time alone with him and say you have an important issue to discuss. Don't do it when you are already wound up.

Thank you for replying to me.
Yes I’ve spoken to him so many times over this- I’ve spoke to him calmly, I’ve ranted, I’ve cried and he doesn’t even listen. He’s not apologetic at all and says I need to get a grip. The most heart breaking thing is that the kids don’t even ask where he is anymore as they know he’s at rugby. I love my children and I would like some downtime too- thing is we had kids so I have responsibilities and going out all day every weekend is not an option. I’m happy to be around my kids- he seems like he needs other stimulation away from us. I’m honestly so annoyed I feel like asking for a separation until he can get his priorities right.

I am sorry you are going through this. He seems incredibly selfish and having his cake and eating it. I would seriously try and have another chat when you are calm, as suggested by the other poster.

But if you are serious about a separation tell him and be prepared to go through with it. Best of luck op

Thank you Lou0390. He’s in his late 40’s but is behaving like a single man with no family commitments. I’m starting to feel like the au-pair and not his wife and mother to his children! I’ve really tried to not rant too much but it’s getting harder. I get so envious when other friends have family time with their kids at the weekend- we don’t have any of that and I end up taking the kids out whilst he’s at rugby.

In the past I was a pool/snooker widow, similar time commitment, also involving alcohol and the resentment was huge. I shouldered all of the grunt work at home, he also spent so much money on tournaments and beer. I chucked him out because despite his statements that things would change, it never did.

Ultimately he won’t change unless he wants to, and right now this life suits him fine.

Sit down and list your time and his time on paper.
Include child care, house stuff and hobbies.
Calmly point out time he has for hobbies and time you have, along with other household stuff.
Explain you are in a partnership and things need to be divided equally.
Then ask for his suggestions on how the chores, childcare, hobby time etc. can be divided equally
Ask for specific family time and couple time to be included in the plan.
Did his father have hobbies that took him away from home?
Is he just continuing what he was brought up with?
Does he earn ,ore and considers it his right to have more of his own time?

Zofoloramummy- I’m feeling really resentful! he’s only just got in after I dropped him off at 1pm today at the club ( kick off was at 2pm and finished at 4 so he could have been home earlier!) I’m liable to throw something at his head so I’m staying upstairs....
He’s been doing this coaching for 3 seasons now..I’ve told him if he carries on he’ll be getting served his divorce papers there..

Stop giving him lifts there for a start...

Where's your down time? It's hugely unfair on you! You both decided to have children and you should both be bringing them up. I really feel for you. I would 100% be telling him to limit the amount of time there and if he didn't or is an arse, leave. You deserve better.

Hi weenurse. Yes he’s the big earner. He works less hours than me but gets paid a lot more! If anything I work more hours and come home after him and have to collect the kids from childcare whilst he’s already at home- that’s another argument for another day- the fact I pay for childcare whilst he’s at home and could have the kids 🤬
He is good at household and chores- he’s pretty good at cleaning up around the house and knows his way around the Hoover and washing machine. He does pull his weight in that regard- my main gripe is the evenings and the weekends when he’s out are affecting our family time.

Yes your right about the lifts! I end up giving him a lift so he doesn’t take the car and then I can’t get out and about with kids during the day. Mind you I did ignore him when he asked for a lift home tonight- I’d call that progress..😏

Why doesn't he pick up children from daycare when he finishes work if it's before you do?

Stop begging him and asking him to prioritise you and your children.

Sit down calmly with him one night (if you can find one!) and say "you know this really isn't working for me anymore. I spend no time with you and neither do the children. I've lost interest and I want a better life for myself. I think a divorce is in both our interests. We can work out the details in the new year. 50/50 including weekends works for me or every other weekend and every wednesday during the week if you can't commit to that. I'm thinking of taking up (mention x hobby) as I will actually have more free time in this new arrangement"

Point out that if you divorce, he'll have the children every other weekend (at a minimum) and so if he wants you to not divorce, he needs to have the children every other weekend (at a minimum). Not because you're abdicating responsibility for them but because they deserve to grow up with both parents in their life, which includes both parents spending time with them.

Likely next gambit:

Him: "but if I was in the army....."

You: "you're not in the army"

Thanks Spagbol88. I go out on a Friday night if I do go out with the girls so it doesn’t interfere with his rugby games on a Saturday! I probably go out once a month for a meal out with friends and a few gins! He probably spends on average over 20 hours a week on his ‘hobby’

You need to make it clear that any time he has to himself each week (does t matter if it’s rugby or whatever, that’s his choice), you get the same. If I were you the next night he has training as soon as he gets home from work be ready to head out and say “I’ve got plans tonight the kids are all yours” and just go out and treat yourself to a spa/drink or meal with friends/ do whatever. Leave him holding the baby so to speak so he knows it works both ways. Your free time is as valuable as his, earnings dont come into it.

A misogynistic, pissed up rugby man-child, he’s a stereotype (and not a good one)

Well I’ll give it another go tomorrow and calmly talk to him and tell him how I feel- thing is he is ex military so as soon as I start talking about feelings I can literally see his eyes glaze over...

Thank you all for your messages- I feel a lot better and I now know that it’s not me being unreasonable and needing to get a grip! X

You're definitely not being unreasonable! Good luck with your chat...

Well I’ll give it another go tomorrow and calmly talk to him and tell him how I feel- thing is he is ex military so as soon as I start talking about feelings I can literally see his eyes glaze over...

Please don't bother telling him how you feel. He doesn't care. He knows that feelings don't have consequences.

Tell him facts. Tell him you are starting a new hobby/regime that requires you to be out of the house every Tuesday and every Sunday so he is on duty. Tell him you really don't care if this bothers his rugby arrangements as they aren't your concern. If he is upset about this tell him to stop being so emotional.

Or you could offer him a separation with 50/50 - he'll wet himself.

What was it that attracted you to him in the first place? I hope it is still there because he sounds really unattractive to me.

Please don't write everything down for him. He knows, it's bloody obvious. He knows it's a weekend and he doesn't see his kids. He knows you're parenting alone. He doesn't care.
I'd be completely blunt with him and tell him he has 2 weeks to change and ditch the rugby or our marriage is over. But if it were me I'm not even sure I wound want to salvage a marriage with someone who had ever treated me like this in the first place.

I was once a cricket widow. In the club he was at, EVERY single member of the first team, AND all the captains got divorced. It was ridiculous. There was some sort of weird culture in that particular club that you “couldn’t be seen to give in to the wife” etc. Pathetic.

I bloody hope you're not paying for all the childcare..

He needs to start picking up the kids too that's just basic. He sounds horrendous.

thing is he is ex military so as soon as I start talking about feelings I can literally see his eyes glaze over...

So, would opening the conversation "let's talk about divorce..." stop him from glazing over? I think that's how I'd start the conversation.

Does he actually contribute anything to the marriage other than money?