Husband a selfish knob...

[Tryingtowininlife]

Hi all!
First time poster so please go easy on me 😫
My husband spends most of his time coaching/socialising at rugby club and I’m about to lose the plot! We both work full time and we have 3 kids together. Every Tuesday & Thursday evening, All day Saturday and Sunday morning is spent at the club which makes doing anything together as a family pretty impossible! Tuesday and Thursdays are rugby practice evenings and team selection- he’s usually there at about 6pm and comes home anytime between 9.30-11pm!! Saturday he’s away all bloody day and doesn’t get home until after 9pm (usually returns pissed up) and Sunday morning he coaches until about 2pm.
Ive honestly had enough- I feel like he’s taking the piss out of me all the time and I’m getting really annoyed that all my evenings and weekends seem to fit around his rugby! I know he doesn’t have to go to every game as when he’s got something planned with his mates he goes out with them and someone else does the coaching. I get that he’s got a hobby but should his hobby be affecting his home and family time??? I honestly feel like a single parent!!!
Help please before I smack him around the head with the wok (which is looking like a great idea at moment 🤪)

I agree with what Phil just said.

Hes ripping the absolute piss op!

You're paying for childcare AND collecting kids, while hes home? WHY? What are his reasons for this?

Short sharp shock is needed, with definite consequences of nothing changes.

Your kids will start to feel undervalued, as you will, more and more

Don’t want to put Ideas in your head but do know for definite he is going to a rugby club?

@Mariam9922 ffs. She picks him up from the flaming rugby club, stop shit stirring for the hell of it.

I know someone exactly the same.

Tbh its nothing to do with Rugby. It's an excuse to socialise and get pissed with the excuse of 'but I need to do this because the teams/kids etc rely on me'.

Truth is most of the man who are regularly involved in it are piss heads. It's their excuse to drink 'I had to stay, bob wanted to buy I drink' and basically opt out of family life

Don’t want to put Ideas in your head but do know for definite he is going to a rugby club?

Ah, didn't take long for this type of response. MN never fails

Cool calm determination backed up by real plans for divorce. It's the only thing that will shake him.

My exh was into triathlons. The training was extreme to say the last. If he didn't train he would be in a foul mood. I think for him though he was escaping our bad marriage. We split after 17 years and me and the dc live a lovely life without any resentment from me.

Can the children join the rugby club so it is something the family can do together at the weekend?

Good grief OP. I see no point in being married to this man selfish doesn't actually cover it

How old are the children?

Stop asking start telling.

He didn't bother asking you did he?! You are an equal, it's not 1950. Agree with pp he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. So don't bother approaching this as a negotiation where you're relying on him giving a fuck!

Tell don't ask

What a knob.

How old are your children?

Point out that if you divorce, he'll have the children every other weekend (at a minimum)

I wouldn't bet on that considering his current behaviour...

I had a similar issue with my ex and quite honestly he's very unlikely to change at his age.

Even if you split I think it highly likely he still won't bother with the dc.

Men like this I don't think really wanted to be fathers or only when and in a way that suits them - photo ops and "look what a great guy i am I'm a dad" bullshit

I think you need to be prepared to be a LONE parent really.

Resentment is a death sentence to a relationship this must be devastating. I like facts too and would build these up - so for the next two week record family/childcare/ individual non work time. Then review together.

He’s a selfish arse who’s checked out of family life.

I’d be explaining very clearly that you will be separating if he doesn’t start being an equal member of this family.

I am writing from a guys perspective who would have had some involvement in sporting clubs over the years.

It seems as if he is involved in coaching / training of a team or teams.

Two things surprise me about his weekend involvement:

1. Why is he out both days? If he is in charge of a team then it is likely that he is just out with them one day over the weekend.

1. Why is he not getting home from a game that finishes at 4pm until 10pm?

It seems to me that he has much more involvement than standard coaching of a team. Perhaps he is also playing - however, in my experience guys that take on coaching while still playing usually don't have many other responsibilities.

There seems to be a drinking culture also and this is something over and above the hobby and this could be a bigger issue than the sporting involvement.

I think the chatting sounds to be getting nowhere. Probably need some type of ultimatum.

He needs to:

Reduce his involvement in the sport to ONE DAY AT THE WEEKEND

Also, reduce the drinking and late home from gasses to AT MOST ONCE A MONTH

Even at that he is getting away with way more than most men.

I think that you should print off this thread and show it to him. I am so surprised that he thinks ye guys are having anything close to a proper family life - and where do does parents, in-laws even get a look-in?

My grandfather was a little bit similar. Very very caught up in helping the community - always there for people - never ever let anyone down.

Except his family. Who he always let down.

His funeral was fascinating. Church was packed with people sobbing and going on about what a wonderful man he was. Except the front two rows. Where his widow (she was of the age that one didn’t divorce), children and grandchildren all sat having a lovely catch up.

The vicar asked the family for touching memories of the deceased. After a big family think we remembered that he really loved his dog.

You do realise that you enable him to treat his family this poorly. Waiting around for him to be different whilst enabling the shitty status quo is sheer —stupidity— baffling.

He may never change but there’s a cat hells chance he will if you continue to enable his selfishness.

This was my Dad, I have nothing today with my DP I felt unloved, unwanted and grew wondering why on Earth they had DC as we just seemed an inconvenience...

My DH used to play rugby and quit off his own back when we had a family. He said it would waste his weekends and he would spend the rest of the week sore from it.

I suspect your DH knows what he's doing, but he prefers to spend time at the club than at home. That would really upset me and I would discuss separation

OP I totally understand your frustration. I'm another cricket widow. We never used to see him. Be warned though. Last couple of years he has stopped going so much but still finds reasons not to be at home. That's the thing. He's absent. I think you need to sort it now, be firm. Stop giving lifts. It won't get better xx.

OP this marriage is already finished, there is no respect, no teamwork, no sense of responsibility for your children. His only contribution is financial. I would not bother trying to discuss a change of routine, more contact with children, he is not interested and will not change.
@pallisers, @Mumoftwoyoungkids
Good luck, You can mange without, you already are.

Sorry, posted too soon
@pallissers, @mumof2youngkids, offer good advice and viewpoint, please listen to them
Best wishes

@Tryingtowininlife My dh is the same, though he trains the colts a Thursday evening and can be away at a game all day on a Sunday. It got to breaking point a few months ago when I snapped at him that he spent more time with other people’s kids than his own. The penny dropped. This year is his last year training them, though I don’t trust him saying that as he was going to give up playing rugby 10 years ago, he carried on for another 5 years and now coaches the colts. Dh is also a governor at dds school, which is ironic. I don’t mind this as at least he’s showing interest in dds.
He went on tour in February, which was already discussed that he wasn’t he shouldn’t be going this time, but he plots this shit without telling me.
I know how you feel. From one rugby widow to another

He is effectively a single man without dc.

He doesn't show any sign that he wants marriage or dc.

Tell him so. If he shrugs and his eyes glaze over, you have your answer loud and clear.

So may as well formalise it.

He already knows your feelings very well, you have told him, asked him, cried over it, and so on, he is very well aware and doesn't care. Its no surprise coming from ex military. They do seem to be of a similar mould, although its certainly not exclusive to military, there are plenty others this way that actually dont seem to want wives and dc despite having got married and tried for dc.