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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

pregnant and ghosted advice please

59 replies

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:20

I am new to posting here but I've appreciated advice in other threads. I am posting here because I am in shock and disbelief.

I am 43 and newly pregnant (5.5 weeks). The pregnancy is very much planned and wanted and is the result of donor IVF. Before I started the process, I met a man. He was kind, sensitive, a bit shy and the most loving man I have ever met and suddenly all the pieces were falling into place. However I didn't think it was fair to him to get into a relationship given what I was planning to do. So I told him and to my surprise he was incredibly supportive, wanted to continue with the relationship and be very much involved with the IVF. I challenged him about this and offered him an out on several occasions and I suggested I delay it while we got to know each other better, however he was adamant he wanted me to carry on as planned. He was incredibly supportive and with me through every step of the process and encouraged me through the ups and downs. And then incredibly I got a positive result. I was over the moon and it seemed so was he. I was with him, we had the dream Christmas planned and I couldn't believe I could get this lucky. And I was right. We spent Christmas morning together and then we went to our respective families. He told me Christmas would be difficult as it was his first Christmas since his dad died. He wanted to support his mum but said he was looking forward to coming back to me and our future the next day. On boxing day texted me and said it had been a hard day, he wasn't feeling well and needed to find peace about his Dad. And that was the last I saw or heard of him. He stopped communicating. Yesterday I tried to ask him how he was and he just ghosted me blocking my number, Facebook, linkedin, whatsapp everything. I am devastated. I cannot understand it. I don't know whether Christmas has triggered a crisis for him and he is unwell and dealing with grief and will be in touch, or whether he was not what he said all along and he has simply changed his mind about everything and gone without a word, which could not be more different to the man I knew. I am in complete shock, I don't know what to do. He is not responding to anything, not even to say give me space, or it's over. I am devastated, so shocked, don't know how to cope. I am missing him every minute, I desperately want to just speak to him to understand, I am having pains, my body is in shock and I am fearing for the pregnancy which is already risky at this stage - which he knows. I desperately want to see him. I can't believe he'd put me through this having taken such good care of me until now. This is so unlike him. I know nobody has the answer to this but I am absolutely lost and beyond devastated.

OP posts:

ChristmasSweet · 28/12/2019 19:29

I am really sorry this happened to you, but it's likely he was using you to not be alone at Christmas time. Now that Christmas is over, he no longer has a need for you.

Cream5 · 28/12/2019 19:30

Wow im so sorry, this must bd devestating.

How long have you been seeing each other? Has he done anything like this before?

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:33

Honestly not long - about 4 months. So i know that means I can't know him that well. But this is just so out of character. He's never done anything like this before. He has been the one driving the relationship, telling me how much he loves me, messaging me non stop etc which is partly why I just can't understand it.

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Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 19:41

I'm sorry for your pain .

Did his mother know about you and the pregnancy?

Aloe6 · 28/12/2019 19:43

Sadly it probably isn’t out of character - this is likely to be the real him. Four months is no time at all for him to keep up a facade. You really do need to focus on yourself and your pregnancy now. Don’t let him take this special time away from you and your baby

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:44

no she doesn't. I am so tempted to go there and see him but I don't want to be "stalkery".

OP posts:

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 19:47

Is it possible he told her about you and she wasn't happy about it? Just trying to work out why the sudden turnaround in his behaviour.

Yes, it could have all been an elaborate facade, but for what reason?

Pinkybutterfly · 28/12/2019 19:48

Keep yourself busy and think about the baby. Stress isn't good for either or you... I would write a letter and say how good it felt to have his support Nd that if he doesn't want to be with you it's ok, but you will still be there if he needs to talk when. He is ready. My best friend didn't want to tell me her problems when I was pregnant so she used to avoid me to not worry me with her issues... Give him time XXX congratulations for the pregnancy

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:49

@ Windmillwhirl; no she doesn't. I am so tempted to go there and see him but I don't want to be "stalkery".

OP posts:

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:51

@Windmillwhirl Exactly. If it was a facade he really is an oscar winning actor. That's why I am wondering if Christmas has triggered a grief reaction (his dad died in May) This is their first Christmas without him and he told me how hard it had been. Maybe he is just dealing with that although that doesn't explain ghosting me and not just asking for space. Would it be crazy to go and see him?

OP posts:

MelbaToast · 28/12/2019 19:53

The fact his dad died less than a year ago has probably triggered a crisis. I would probably guess that he is depressed. The other factor is the length of time you've been together. 4 months isn't very long and even if you are the love of his life, it would be a hard thing to bring something like this up in a new relationship.

It doesn't sound like there is anything you can do about it at this stage but see if he comes back to you. I hope you find some peace and baby is okay.

keepingbees · 28/12/2019 19:54

Don't go to him. His behaviour is telling you everything you need to know, as painful as it is.
If he had changed his mind or needed time out then there are respectful ways he could have said or relayed this to you. For the sake of the baby if nothing else.
This will hurt but you need to focus on yourself and the baby now. Don't let someone who you've only known essentially a matter of weeks jeopardise so much.

tallulahhulah1 · 28/12/2019 19:55

Honestly he sounds like he was love bombing you.

MelbaToast · 28/12/2019 19:55

And definitely do not go and see him right now. You need to leave it at least a month.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 19:57

It does sound pretty full on for only four months. Sounds a bit like love bombing.

I'm sorry you are hurting. You say you don't know how to cope without him, but four months ago you were so you can again. Do you have support from other people?

MashedSpud · 28/12/2019 19:57

Do you think he’s married and that’s why he’s blocked you on everything?

I’d just focus on the pregnancy and try to stay as calm as you can.

Elieza · 28/12/2019 20:01

His dad died and now he’s potentially going to be a ‘dad’. First Christmas without his father. Yeah, that’s bound to have triggered some shit in his head. His way of handling it seems a bit childish, just blocking you with no communication, perhaps that’s how he handles shit. Perhaps that’s why he was single.

You just have to focus on you and the baby and nothing else. If he’s to be in your life again it will happen. If not that’s the way it is. There is no point in getting wound up about it.

Just take it that he’s on a break looking after his mum, grieving together.

Don’t put any pressure on yourself to think any further ahead. I know it’s hard but this is the first of many sacrifices you will have to make for your child’s welfare. Just concentrate on him/her. Put your feet up and do whatever you’ve been advised to do.

TwiddleMuff · 28/12/2019 20:01

I’m sorry but four months is nothing. You were still at the dating stage, not life partners. Maybe Christmas has caused him to do some thinking and he’s no longer happy to be an instant dad and partner. Ghosting you was a shitty thing to do though, but don’t chase him.

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 20:02

I wouldn't go to him. I'm sure he is aware of your feelings for him and is aware also that he is hurting you by ghosting you.

Sadly, I think you have to accept that he has bowed out of the relationship for whatever reason and crisis or not it is very cowardly to just ghost you.

In many ways, it's better he did this now than in 6 month's time, although I know that is little consolation to you now.

Focus on you and your pregnancy x

MargotMoon · 28/12/2019 20:02

I wonder if he has told his family about you for the first time and they have gone ballistic and convinced him that you are a she-devil, getting your claws into him etc? Maybe they've influenced him and he's decided that he was grieving and it was all a fantasy or something? I mean, even if this is the case then ghosting you like this is totally shitty but it could explain it?

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 20:04

@Melba Toast Thank you I am holding out hope it is to do with a crisis at home and he'll come back when he can. I am so scared for the pregnancy, it's such early days and my body has been in meltdown with panic and anxiety, can't eat, sleep, cramps etc. If I lose the it because of this it'll be even worse.

OP posts:

Sparrowlegs248 · 28/12/2019 20:06

Christmas may well have triggered a grieving response, anything else may have happened, I don't know what could have happened to excuse blocking you though. It's unforgivable imo.

Dollymixture22 · 28/12/2019 20:14

It’s difficult to see what could have happened that he took such extreme actions to block you. Why couldn’t he have even sent a text saying it’s over, I can’t do this. It’s cruel.

You are pregnant, and have enough going on In your life without this emotional roller coaster. What if he does it again when the baby is one, or two or five?

You found out early, listen to what he is telling you and cut your loses.

Kit19 · 28/12/2019 20:18

I’m so sorry OP, he has behaved terribly cruelly to you, I really don’t know how he could ever justify it to you, crisis or not

You must look after yourself and your baby. I know it’s hard but it is the only thing you can do at the moment. Do you have people you can talk to about this in rl?

Original poster

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 20:21

@Dollymixture22 I know, I just don't understand that either. Even a text with a few words would be better than this. Maybe he thinks I wouldn't accept that because of the baby, but just to block me, I can't get my head round. His last message before he stopped communicating said it definitely isn't over, he just needed "to get better and start feeling better". But that doesn't explain blocking me. He knows I have anxiety and I'm pregnant, he must know what ghosting would do and risk. Yes, I take your point. I didn't realise how emotionally involved i am with him and although a short time, cutting my losses is so so hard as I'd been so exciting we were having this baby together.

OP posts:

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