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Original poster

pregnant and ghosted advice please

59 replies

FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 19:20

I am new to posting here but I've appreciated advice in other threads. I am posting here because I am in shock and disbelief.

I am 43 and newly pregnant (5.5 weeks). The pregnancy is very much planned and wanted and is the result of donor IVF. Before I started the process, I met a man. He was kind, sensitive, a bit shy and the most loving man I have ever met and suddenly all the pieces were falling into place. However I didn't think it was fair to him to get into a relationship given what I was planning to do. So I told him and to my surprise he was incredibly supportive, wanted to continue with the relationship and be very much involved with the IVF. I challenged him about this and offered him an out on several occasions and I suggested I delay it while we got to know each other better, however he was adamant he wanted me to carry on as planned. He was incredibly supportive and with me through every step of the process and encouraged me through the ups and downs. And then incredibly I got a positive result. I was over the moon and it seemed so was he. I was with him, we had the dream Christmas planned and I couldn't believe I could get this lucky. And I was right. We spent Christmas morning together and then we went to our respective families. He told me Christmas would be difficult as it was his first Christmas since his dad died. He wanted to support his mum but said he was looking forward to coming back to me and our future the next day. On boxing day texted me and said it had been a hard day, he wasn't feeling well and needed to find peace about his Dad. And that was the last I saw or heard of him. He stopped communicating. Yesterday I tried to ask him how he was and he just ghosted me blocking my number, Facebook, linkedin, whatsapp everything. I am devastated. I cannot understand it. I don't know whether Christmas has triggered a crisis for him and he is unwell and dealing with grief and will be in touch, or whether he was not what he said all along and he has simply changed his mind about everything and gone without a word, which could not be more different to the man I knew. I am in complete shock, I don't know what to do. He is not responding to anything, not even to say give me space, or it's over. I am devastated, so shocked, don't know how to cope. I am missing him every minute, I desperately want to just speak to him to understand, I am having pains, my body is in shock and I am fearing for the pregnancy which is already risky at this stage - which he knows. I desperately want to see him. I can't believe he'd put me through this having taken such good care of me until now. This is so unlike him. I know nobody has the answer to this but I am absolutely lost and beyond devastated.

OP posts:
Original poster
FuschiaBlue · 28/12/2019 20:24

@Kit19 Thank you. I don't understand it either. He didn't seem like someone who could hurt a fly.

Not really, it seemed this wonderful secret that he and I had that I was pregnant. One of my friends knows. She is shocked too but has been great. That's why I really appreciate the advice and kind replies here.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 28/12/2019 20:27

Unfortunately you were never having this baby together. And I think it would be better for you if just think of this as your baby, not his.

You had taken the decision to do this before he came along. He told you to go ahead, and not change your plans for him. Your relationship was far too new to plan a baby together - you planned it alone. He probably doesn’t see himself as the father.

I am sorry if that sounds harsh, but I think you have projected to much on to a man you do don’t really know.

You will be an awesome mum. You and your baby deserve better than this man.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 28/12/2019 20:27

He has shown his true colours sadly
And who knows what his family said to him over Xmas ?

You were ready to do this alone , continue alone as planned . Don’t let this affect your pathway which was always to have a child

It’s hurtful , disappointing . But you are
Pregnant with a much longed for child

It’s a shame he wasn’t honest and didn’t bail
Earlier

Let him go

Lllot5 · 28/12/2019 20:29

If I understand you correctly you were going to do this before you met him? So what’s changed in four months? You were going to be alone before you can be again.
He has behaved badly just ghosting you you, but better now than later.

80sstyle · 28/12/2019 20:31

Maybe he has had a rethink now he is away from the situation. Add that to the mixed up feelings he will have over Christmas, the first without his father, and he could be having a crisis.

If he is saying he needs to feel better you need to take him at his word and leave him be as it doesn’t sound like he can give you the support you need.

Startingoveragain1 · 28/12/2019 20:43

Focus on you and your pregnancy. It could well be a crisis. Dont waste too much time thinking and torturing yourself about it. Give it a bit of time . He might reach out once his emotinal rollercoaster of the first christmas without dad finishes. In the meanwhile, look after yourself and trust what will be will be and whats supposed to be yours will come to you. In the case he doesnt... it was just 4 months and maybe he didnt show u the real him. In which case you and your baby are better off whithout him. It will all work itself out as its meant to be. You will be OK. Hugs.

Groovinpeanut · 28/12/2019 21:08

If he said things were not over, and stayed that he felt unwell and needed to be alone due to struggling with his Dad's passing, why did you continue to contact him?
He's asked to be left alone for a while. You need to respect that. You may want to do all of the texting, calling, being the shoulder to cry on, but he doesn't want that. He asked you for that time alone. You've not respected that so he's had to block you. Your now also contemplating going to his house. That is beyond stalkish. That will certainly see you ghosted!
You've made the decision to undertake IVF, it's been successful so work on looking after yourself and your baby. Using your pregnancy as an excuse to force him to contact you is wrong. You need to focus on you right now and it's down to you to focus on your baby. Leave him to work through his grief. If it's meant to be he'll come back, if he doesn't so be it. Your decision to undertake IVF was yours before he came on the scene so just carry on as you were.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/12/2019 21:29

I am holding out hope it is to do with a crisis at home and he'll come back when he can.

No, no, no. He is a coward for ghosting you, crisis or not. You do not want this man back in your life--he is not reliable. If you let him back in, it'll get worse.

He is showing you who he really is.

MsChatterbox · 28/12/2019 21:58

I agree with @groovinpeanut. You said why didn't he message you but he did. He told you he needed space. So you need to give him space. You haven't so he's blocked you to allow himself that space. I think you guys have moved very fast emotionally and you've become quite dependent on him. You don't need him to be happy.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/12/2019 23:37

I have to say that his behaviour before the ghosting is full of red flags - he knew you for only four months, yet was incredibly full on, especially around the pregnancy. You say he was "supportive" and encouraging, but it seems he was overly interested in inserting himself into something that wasn't his business.

I think you've found a love bombing drama llama here, and my guess is he plans to pop up in a few weeks, banking on you being so relieved to see him again that you won't ask too many tricky questions.

Patsypie · 28/12/2019 23:39

What a cunt! You're well rid of such a pathetic twat. Good luck on your journey.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 28/12/2019 23:46

What Patsypie said ^^

GreenGrove · 28/12/2019 23:54

No man really wants to bring up another man's baby if it can at all be helped. I would imagine he's had cold feet since finding out your positive result. You deserve better

UptightFunk · 29/12/2019 00:01

Agree with @tallulahhulah1 sounds like a total love bombing which suggests he was always going to bail/ turn out badly.

As others have said, even if he comes back with some excuse this is not the sort of behaviour you want in a relationship.

I know you want this but 'this' isn't what you think it is...

TheWickerWoman · 29/12/2019 00:43

The way I’m seeing it is that he’s changed his mind and used his dad & Christmas as an excuse to end it with you. Ghosting you to make you think he’s in this big crisis rather than taking the hard way out and being honest with you.

Babynumber2dueNov · 29/12/2019 07:40

Grief is horrendous and can do horrendous things. I would try to compartmentalise for a week, focus on you and self care, do the things you love and try your best to keep your mind off the situation. Yes you absolutely need to know what’s going on but he may be feeling that raw pain of grief again. My mum goes completely NC with me when her grief is bad, she just shuts herself away and then reaches out when she can see through it all again and we’re very close. It’s not fair or right but sometimes it’s like a thick fog and you just can’t see through it. After a week I’d ring or message from a different number simply asking if he was safe, saying you understand but need to know if the relationship is over. Then you can decide from there if he wants to continue or if you can get past this treatment. I do fee people on MN really forget or don’t understand how primal grief can be. I feel for you so much xxx

SpudsAreLife84 · 29/12/2019 07:58

Sounds to me like you've had a lucky escape actually OP, far better for this to happen now than when your baby comes along. Be kind to yourself Flowers

Username455 · 29/12/2019 08:56

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Four months is nothing. Definitely don't go running after him. It sounds like he wasn't really genuine. If he was he'd at least say he needs some space. But ghosting you means he's shown his true colours. He doesn't really care about you or the baby. So forget about him and concentrate on your baby Flowers

Upstartcrones · 29/12/2019 09:39

Your hormones are going bananas right now so try to keep on an even keel for you and your baby. Keep your blood sugar up and try some mindfulness apps. There's a whole lot going on right now and I think you are zoning in on him to be the happy ending you want. Reality is he isn't going to be that happy ending. Don't let this mess up the happy time you've been planning for ages. You need to let go.

Don't go round to his house and please don't start making him responsible for the health of your pregnancy. You cannot use that to try to control him.

Refocus on your original plan and get yourself back on track Flowers

Moondancer73 · 29/12/2019 09:43

You've had a lucky escape so be glad and move on. He's shown his true colours - better now than later.

Ash39 · 29/12/2019 09:47

The blocking is out of order and doesn't bode well...
But, say you give him the benefit of the doubt, well Christmas has been less than a week ago. That's not long.
Wait until at least New year before coming to any firm conclusion...

dottiedodah · 29/12/2019 09:52

Maybe he needs a little time to come around to the idea? Christmas is an emotional time anyway ,and the first one after the death of his DF .I think his family may be behind this as well .Try to be as relaxed as possible (easier said than done I know!) Maybe see your family/.friends ,Try to stay positive if you can .

sonjadog · 29/12/2019 10:05

I would wait and see on this one. He is upset and needs some space to process his feelings. He might get in contact when things calm down. Give him the space he needs and stop trying to contact him in all the ways you mentioned. Most definitely don't go round to his house. Respect his need for space and let him come to you. In the meantime, it sounds like you have got too dependent on him and you need to get your own head together. You have only known him for four months, you are going to have a baby, you have more important things to focus on.

onanothertrain · 29/12/2019 10:07

I agree with dollymixture this whole relationship was too much too soon. Its been 4 months. I think the realisation that he's expected to be excited about and involved in bringing up a baby that has nothing to do with him has hit.

Notonthestairs · 29/12/2019 10:18

I've had IVF and I know what it did to my body and frame of mind. It is hard going.

However you do need to start acting sensibly. Eat and drink properly- prioritise you're own health. Do not turn up at his house. It will not end well. Lean on close friends and make solo plans for 2020. Do not obsess about what he is thinking or doing - you can't know.

Your boyfriend may or may not be involved in your future- right now that is not under your control, but you health and happiness are (yes they really are - you've been happy before and you will again). Look after yourself as you'd like to be looked after.

Regardless of whether he turns up in the new year you are a single parent. This was your endeavour. You can do it.

If he comes back you need to slow the relationship down. He may be a lovely addition to your life eventually but honestly 2020 will be about you and your baby.

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