pregnant and ghosted advice please

[FuschiaBlue]

I am new to posting here but I've appreciated advice in other threads. I am posting here because I am in shock and disbelief.

I am 43 and newly pregnant (5.5 weeks). The pregnancy is very much planned and wanted and is the result of donor IVF. Before I started the process, I met a man. He was kind, sensitive, a bit shy and the most loving man I have ever met and suddenly all the pieces were falling into place. However I didn't think it was fair to him to get into a relationship given what I was planning to do. So I told him and to my surprise he was incredibly supportive, wanted to continue with the relationship and be very much involved with the IVF. I challenged him about this and offered him an out on several occasions and I suggested I delay it while we got to know each other better, however he was adamant he wanted me to carry on as planned. He was incredibly supportive and with me through every step of the process and encouraged me through the ups and downs. And then incredibly I got a positive result. I was over the moon and it seemed so was he. I was with him, we had the dream Christmas planned and I couldn't believe I could get this lucky. And I was right. We spent Christmas morning together and then we went to our respective families. He told me Christmas would be difficult as it was his first Christmas since his dad died. He wanted to support his mum but said he was looking forward to coming back to me and our future the next day. On boxing day texted me and said it had been a hard day, he wasn't feeling well and needed to find peace about his Dad. And that was the last I saw or heard of him. He stopped communicating. Yesterday I tried to ask him how he was and he just ghosted me blocking my number, Facebook, linkedin, whatsapp everything. I am devastated. I cannot understand it. I don't know whether Christmas has triggered a crisis for him and he is unwell and dealing with grief and will be in touch, or whether he was not what he said all along and he has simply changed his mind about everything and gone without a word, which could not be more different to the man I knew. I am in complete shock, I don't know what to do. He is not responding to anything, not even to say give me space, or it's over. I am devastated, so shocked, don't know how to cope. I am missing him every minute, I desperately want to just speak to him to understand, I am having pains, my body is in shock and I am fearing for the pregnancy which is already risky at this stage - which he knows. I desperately want to see him. I can't believe he'd put me through this having taken such good care of me until now. This is so unlike him. I know nobody has the answer to this but I am absolutely lost and beyond devastated.

I think people on here are so gullible!
Generally guys who block are not genuine- he was probably married or has a girlfriend and looking for sex on the side. Now there is a baby on the scene he has bolted! I don’t believe for one minute the stories about his dad passing away and depression as I’ve known people to lie about stuff like

OP you were already planning IVF. It wasn’t a joint decision. But you’re already needing to lean on him saying his grief and need for space is putting baby at risk. You are in that most risky early stage both pregnancy and relationship. 4 months is very short time to get to know someone and agree to raise a child.

He did tell you he needs space.

It’s your decision to have a child. You need to own that decision and look after yourself and not rely on anyone else. Sorry this has happened.

This in similar situations

Honestly it’s been 4 months! He doesn’t owe you anything and neither do you owe him! Let alone expect him to change his whole life completely by becoming and father and step dad essentially within

Sorry keeping posting too early....

The space of 4 months. Honestly there are just so many single women without baggage out there can’t see many men taking this on.

In the nicest possible way, 4 months is nothing.

How long have been wanting this pregnancy? How long have you been planning and looking forward to it?
Please concentrate on what really matters here rather than some guy you've known for 4 mins.

Good luck!

Four months of dating is nothing, he should have broken up with you properly though there’s no excuse for that unless the space conversation was the break up conversation.

You planned this alone so are where you planned to be anyway. His family have likely reiterated the situation to him and told him its far too much and far too soon.

Any update OP?

I really feel for you. I had not a lover, but a trusted much loved friend ghost me completely during a difficult time in her life. She has cut me off completely. I couldn't believe how much it hurt. I felt like absolute trash. Even thinking of her yesterday I was in tears. She just dropped me, blocked me with no explanation. I didn't eat, sleep or have any motivation. I cried constantly, it was like a sudden grief with no context at all, not even a funeral.

As humans, in every culture, we have designed rituals for dealing with grief. Ghosting prevents this. There are no goodbyes, no ceremonies, no sharing memories. Just a crude cutting off.

Which is why after a short 2 week period of trying to get in touch, I decided not to run further after my 'friend' and you shouldn't run after this man either. Ever. Reason being that ghosting without explanation is the shittiest, cowardliest, cruelest form of social cutting off I can think off.

Never run after anyone who cannot give you simple respect. By simple respect I mean a text even. Something like: 'Hey, I'm sorry, but going home this xmas, I realise that maybe this is too much for me and I'm not mentally in the right head space to take on a baby. I need some distance in this relationship. It's not reeally about you, it's stuff I have to deal with. I know this will hurt, but please don't attempt to get in touch right now. So sorry xx'

Someone who is too cowardly and lacking in basic respect and love to do that will let you down in other ways, further down the line. Fight the urge to be concerned about his welfare. To see what's wrong. Despite his previous actions, he cares less about you than you do him.

He doesn't deserve you both. He would not be a reliable father. You deserve better. You deserve authenticity. And so does your baby.

Even if he comes back. Think about the lack of basic dignity and respect he's shown you.

Look after you and your baby xx

None of us know why he's done this, but the fact he has speaks volumes about him.

Even if he changes his mind, you'll have a nagging doubt.

Will be disappear at the birth? First birthday? Etc etc

Look after yourself and put distance between you.

@FuschiaBlue

I am really sorry this has happened to you. I really am, but I have to agree with the posters saying that you do not know this man at all. Instant intimacy may seen really romantic and true, but in reality it is often disastrous.

He has turned up in your life and given you everything you want and been the perfect partner. And just as suddenly, he has withdrawn it all with no explanation. That is cruel and tortuous.

And yet:
I am holding out hope it is to do with a crisis at home and he'll come back when he can.

Really? So he can waltz in and out of your life without explanation over and over again? He has shown you that he is emotionally immature at best and deliberately mean in the worst case. Why would you want to partner up with either?

Concentrate on your pregnancy and health and your resilience.

And especially, work on your self-esteem. You will be a better person and parent for having some therapy to understand why you think such treatment is in any way acceptable.

And for the love of God, if he does come slithering back, show him the door.

Wishing you all the very best for 2020.