To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

@RainMinusBow your dignity and your trying to solve your problems on your own just shine through. You are clearly a lovely person.

But to be honest I think the mistake you have been making is to NOT reach out. NOT tell your headteacher. NOT getting the schools involved.

This means that you have been carrying the burden of everything. I think you need to start being honest with your boys as well, in age appropriate ways about how abusive their father is, and that he lies. They WILL eventually work it out for themselves, as which stage he will probably marry the gf and turn his back on them.
I am so sorry you married a psychopath, but you have.

1. document, document, document. Courts are only interested in WRITTEN PROOF.
   
2. you need to take a photo of that house and the 4 cars and the hot tub, ask the boys for photos of the kitchen etc. and start again with solicitors for a maintenance order. Even if you ask for £1500/month (you should ask for £6k). Some lawyers will take their fee out of the settlement. A different judge would see right through him.
   
3. you need to get the schools involved, in terms of emotional support and practical help.
   

The psychologist who helped with coping strategies - could she not be subpoenaed to observe the abuse?

Some FREE support: Chump Lady, and Melanie Tonia Evans on Youtube on surviving narcissistic abuse.

And of course, you have your nest of vipers behind you. Good luck OP, just remember, one day at at a time.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

You must block him. forgot to say that

One thing about psychopaths is that they love the game. WHEN the game stops (you stop being so easy to pull around) they drop it as though they never played it and without a shred of emotion move on, without a backward glance.

The MINUTE his words and texts become 'blah blah blah', or you finally do something smart like redirect them to the head teacher of the boys school and he is shamed???

Its like he never did them. Game over, no more fun here, move on.

That is how psychopaths roll. A good book to get into his head is

www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[ScreamingLadySutch]

Review: "Who is the devil you know?

Is it your lying, cheating ex-husband?
Your sadistic high school gym teacher?
Your boss who loves to humiliate people in meetings?
The colleague who stole your idea and passed it off as her own?

In the pages of The Sociopath Next Door, you will realize that your ex was not just misunderstood. He’s a sociopath. And your boss, teacher, and colleague? They may be sociopaths too.

We are accustomed to think of sociopaths as violent criminals, but in The Sociopath Next Door, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout reveals that a shocking 4 percent of ordinary people—one in twenty-five—has an often undetected mental disorder, the chief symptom of which is that that person possesses no conscience. He or she has no ability whatsoever to feel shame, guilt, or remorse. One in twenty-five everyday Americans, therefore, is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family. And they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt.

How do we recognize the remorseless? One of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma that makes sociopaths more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They’re more spontaneous, more intense, more complex, or even sexier than everyone else, making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others’ suffering. They live to dominate and thrill to win.

The fact is, we all almost certainly know at least one or more sociopaths already. Part of the urgency in reading The Sociopath Next Door is the moment when we suddenly recognize that someone we know—someone we worked for, or were involved with, or voted for—is a sociopath. But what do we do with that knowledge? To arm us against the sociopath, Dr. Stout teaches us to question authority, suspect flattery, and beware the pity play. Above all, she writes, when a sociopath is beckoning, do not join the game.

It is the ruthless versus the rest of us, and The Sociopath Next Door will show you how to recognize and defeat the devil you know."

[ScreamingLadySutch]

Just for you! It could be written for you (PS don't worry, France probably won't happen. But document passports and lack of sharing)

www.chumplady.com/2020/03/coronavirus-and-co-parenting-with-fuckwits/

[macaroniandpizza]

So sorry your ex is still causing you all sorts of problems. He really is a nasty piece of work

[RainMinusBow]

We requested an emergency hearing which has been declined. Court hearing Friday. I can't do this.

[RandomMess]

Yes you can, and you present your evidence of emotional abuse if the DC and parental alienation.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

Rain, that is a GOOD thing! Because now, you are going to collate all your evidence to present on Friday.

Breathe. One day at a time, don't outdrive your headlights.

How I wish you had confided in your head teacher and got the schools involved.

YouTube is your friend. Watch videos on narcissistic abuse, parental alienation, and with your solicitor, be guided.

Take pics of his 4 cars and his house.

[RainMinusBow]

The courts don't listen and I know I will end up losing my children because he has successfully brainwashed the eldest into saying he doesn't want to come home. I know I have to say goodbye to them, but it is so hard. I have tried to be a good mum.

[RainMinusBow]

Some advice would be great...

I'm trying to write some letters to my boys in case we have to say goodbye. I don't know if they'll get them (probably not as thieir dad will likely just bin them), but I just want them to know I am sorry and love them so much.

I'm not eating so don't know if I also need to write one to my unborn baby too, but I'm finding it harder to find the right words when she's someone I may never get to meet (if that makes sense)?

[HighFive5]

I've just reported my ex for harassment via emails (which I forwarded them all to the officer I was dealing with) and turning up to my house etc, nothing physical, they spoke to him the same day I was interviewed and said if he continues they will issue a harassment order, if he breaks that he will be arrested, please please report it all, they take things like this really seriously now a days xx

[SwingSuperiour]

Has your partner consented to a potential adoption?

Try to stay calm and not catastrophise. I know that must seem absolutely impossible when you're in the thick of it

[RainMinusBow]

@SwingSuperiour My partner wants the baby but I don't feel it's right for me to keep her when I've lost my boys.

[momytokondi]

Hey OP
I had similar with my ex. We share my 6 year old. He would call just to tell me that my baby would be born a retard. I've shut him out of my life. My daughter has a phone so he can call her directly. He speaks to my partner if it's something that needs my attention. Blocked on all social media and messaging sites, I never pick up his calls. I had the baby,your children will grow up and decide on their own the relationship with their father. Do not make him decide this for you. Have your baby

[RainMinusBow]

But the point is... my ex-husband has taken the children. He's broken the Court Order. It's been 9 days without them now. He won't return them and has told me I won't be seeing them "for the forseeable future."

I don't want this baby if I can't have my boys. They have been taken from me for no good reason.

I have stopped eating and drinking so I guess it's only a matter of time when this will be finally over and his abuse will stop.

[ClaraMumsnet]

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well. We're sorry you're going through this, OP

[SEE123]

OP I didn't want to read and run. Please please look at the post below from Mumsnet HQ and look after your mental health. I couldn't ever imagine being in your position but you should be so so proud of yourself for coming so far.

Don't let him win. You CAN do this. You will get them back. We all believe in you. YOUR CHILDREN BELIEVE IN YOU.

[RainMinusBow]

@ClaraMumsnet I've tried these organisations and whilst it's wonderful that they listen, that's not going to bring my children back.

Only when the police and the courts recognise coercive control and take action that things will get better. It's too late for me. This has been happening for a decade.
Only I can stop it.

[RandomMess]

If you cave and give up on living your Ex will use that as a major stick to beat your DC with. It will be used to manipulate them beyond your wildest imagination.

If you disappear he will turn on the DC because he needs to have is twisted emotional needs satisfies by other people. He cares not one jot for the boys he has no idea what love is.

[Figgygal]

In the current circumstances you need to take care of yourself as a priority it doesn’t sound that you’re doing that where is your partner in all of this why is he not helping you to eat and drink?

[SwingSuperiour]

Right. But if my partner said to me they wanted to give up our baby I would say thanks and goodbye and inform SS that I will not be giving the baby up.

So that's not going to happen is it?

Is your partner really going to just sit back and give up his baby? You don't get to make that devious alone.

So give up on that line of thought. It's not helping you and it's just leading to more stress.

You've got court on Friday. You are going to have a beautiful, healthy baby girl with the man you love.
Just keep with the facts of what is actually happening and not what might be.

[ScreamingLadySutch]

For you, OP

We are behind you as you fight to break free of his abuse
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

[ScreamingLadySutch]

OP you are catastrophising. Try not to give in to the dread thoughts. Fight them!

Contact social services yet again. Tell them you are thinking of aborting your baby because it might stop his coercion and control. (do not do this)

One day at a time. When you cannot do one day, one hour at a time. That is how we get through this.

What does your solicitor say?

" If your court case has gone badly, you can help yourself heal from this double experience of abuse – first by your partner and then by the court system – by getting involved in organizations that are fighting for the rights of mothers to protect their children from abuse. Your own struggle need not be in vain, because you can help to ensure that other women and children are not put through the hardships that you have endured. (See the section on “Building a Broad-Based Movement.”)"

lundybancroft.com/child-custody-justice/what-can-i-do/

[ScreamingLadySutch]

If mediation is suggested, ABSOLUTLEY INSIST that your mediator has proven training in domestic abuse situtaions. Have this need put on record.

lundybancroft.com/child-custody-justice/negotiating-with-an-abuser/

[ScreamingLadySutch]

You aren't alone OP

"The fact that being a target of chronic abuse can leave a woman with many emotional difficulties – and sometimes physical ones as well – which she may need time to heal from.
The tendency of abusive men to abruptly start paying focused attention to their children when they decide to seek custody, and the powerful emotional impact this positive attention can have on children who have been traumatized by the man’s abusiveness, and who simultaneously are starved for his approval.
The fact that abusive men usually present themselves as likable, calm, reasonable people in court, do not seem in any obvious way abusive, and often play the role of hurt, misunderstood victim."

lundybancroft.com/child-custody-justice/how-family-courts-handle-domestic-abuse-allegations/