Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Man blowing hot and cold? Or am I being too needy?

72 replies

Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 19:55

Hi everyone

One of my work colleagues has been pursuing me for a few months now. We get on great, and have a solid friendship, with a lot of flirting. A couple of months ago we admitted we had feelings for each other and things have progressed rapidly since then. We've kissed a few times, but nothing further, although we do talk about taking things further quite often.

Up until this week he would message me every single day, cute good morning texts, late night lovely messages. We would be quite soppy with one another and talk about being together, cuddling and kissing. Wed talk about missing each other when we were apart for a day or two and get quite intense about feelings. He even told me he wanted me to fall asleep in his arms five days ago.

We are currently off work, and live a fair distance from each other, so we won't be seeing each other for two weeks in total. Since his messages five days ago about falling asleep with each other etc, he's been very off with me. He always, always messages first and while he has sent some messages, the conversation is strained and he doesn't directly respond to any soppy messages off me (he just changes the subject). For example, I said 'ive been thinking about you quite a bit today, how's your day been', which is something we usually say to each other, he replied 'yeah good thanks, how was yours'.

We've had some ups and downs, mainly to do with my insecurities about his feelings for me, but we sorted it all and things have been going really well recently. I don't want to overreact to his coldness, as I'm not sure if it's me just misreading things and attempting to seek validation. A part of me wants to avoid conversation with him until we go to work because it's just so awkward when we do speak.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to keep my coo

OP posts:
LokisLover · 27/12/2019 20:07

Maybe he is enjoying the attention but is incapable of taking it any further. Do both of you want to be in a relationship or is this as far as it will go? All that messaging with nothing concrete would do my head in n

YoungHun · 27/12/2019 20:15

Hmmmm is he def single????

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 20:20

He is single. Because we've had so many ups and downs, I don't want to come across as being needy and asking him outright if everything is ok. He told me he was worried I would lose interest during these two weeks we are apart, but it feels like the opposite has happened.

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/12/2019 20:28

Hi. Messaging is not a measure of someone's feelings. In fact, it can all be bullshit, designed to rein you in with fake promises and scenarios, etc.
The old adage 'actions speak louder than words' could have been written for the world of dating. It's what he does, rather than what he says, that counts.
To me, he sounds like a bullshitter, who is losing interest now that the chase is over. Enough of the messaging now. Ask him outright if he wants to go on a proper date. His answer will tell you all you need to know.
Good luck Thanks

Dieu · 27/12/2019 20:30

And him telling you he was worried about you losing interest is complete nonsense. That's how HE is feeling, and he's turning it back on you.
OP, please wake up and smell the coffee!

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 20:40

I'm just so confused. It was only five days ago he was telling me how much he hates the thought of losing me and losing what we have. I just don't want to come across as a complete needy psycho by asking him what's changed just because he's been a bit off for a few days.

OP posts:
CoffeeCoinneseur · 27/12/2019 20:42

Do you actually go out on dates, or do you just see each other at work?

You're both off work but aren't making the effort to see each other for 2 weeks?

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 20:43

I mean he is still messaging me and chatting to me, he's just stopped the emotional messages about feelings and hasn't really responded when I've sent one. He messaged me on Christmas Eve saying he couldn't stop thinking about me, so I sent a cute message on christmas day saying he makes me happy, I can't wait to see him etc, and he replied saying 'thats lovely, thanks'

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 20:44

We live around 90 miles away from each other at present, because we both commute quite a distance to work. We've had lunch and drinks, and have plans for lunch again in the New Year.

OP posts:
overnightangel · 27/12/2019 20:47

What’s stopping you meeting up, say, tomorrow? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dieu · 27/12/2019 20:49

Its all based on not very much so far, or so it seems to me. People don't generally focus on feelings straightaway. They focus on dates, and being together, sharing experiences, etc. And the feelings come as a result of that. Otherwise it's just words with nothing to back it up.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 27/12/2019 20:50

So he's a male colleague that you go for lunch with, and you've kissed.

You've never been out-out, on an actual date.

Neither of you can be bothered meeting up over 2 weeks when you're both off work.

Sounds like he's enjoyed a fun flirtation but it's not progressing and he's losing interest a bit.

Bluerussian · 27/12/2019 20:50

I expect he is busy with family activities. Don't read anything into what he says or doesn't say, if he isn't on his own he can't spend ages texting. Just leave it for now and see how it goes when you next see him. For goodness sake don't talk about him to anyone at work!

Remember, he is not the only fish in the sea.

Elieza · 27/12/2019 20:52

This seems an unusual way to conduct a relationship.
You’re both off.
Why aren’t you seeing each other more?
90 miles is quite far but there must be somewhere you can meet in the middle?

PinkFluff2 · 27/12/2019 21:00

This isn't a relationship. It's barely a friendship. If you had something special you would be spending time with eachother but you're not. You haven't been out together properly and you've only kissed.

It sounds to me like he enjoys the attention of someone at work. It's an ego boost and he isn't willing to put the effort in to see you in his free time.

It does sound like he's gone cold on you to me. I think you should take a step back from this because he isn't treating you very well.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:02

We aren't seeing each other because he is seeing family during the break, and I'm seeing/saying goodbye to family because I'm moving nearer our work. I'm also packing up and moving everything over to my new house, so thinks have been a bit chaotic.

I have become quite wrapped up in our discussions around our feelings, and I've fallen pretty hard. I guess I'm just confused because the entire time we've known one another he's been the one who's keen and makes no secret of it. Always texting me when we are at home, making an effort to sit next to me in work, texting me all day on the days we aren't sitting together but still sitting close by.

I have, in the past become quite clingy and needy in relationships. I'm trying to be rational now, which is why I thought I'd ask on here. I don't want to be too confrontational and ask what's changed if it is just a case of him being busy the past few days.

OP posts:
Sofacat · 27/12/2019 21:04

Stop messaging him and see what happens.

overnightangel · 27/12/2019 21:08

Talk is cheap, you’ve hardly spent any quality time together. Sounds like you’re both in some infantilised idealised version of what you think a relationship should be like and if you don’t actually spend any time together you don’t have to pop the bubble you’ve fictionalised.
How old are you both of you don’t mind me asking?

LokisLover · 27/12/2019 21:09

I think you should back off, concentrate on your move and getting your new place nice and sorted. Keep busy, invest in yourself and all that.
He sounds like he’s a bit of a commitment-phobe and wants to keep you hanging in because he enjoys the attention. Doesn’t mean it won’t all work out but if you want to be with him be honest and straightforward. It’s scary and makes you feel vulnerable but at least you will know where you are.

It may hurt if he says he wants space or whatever but it will equally hurt if he keeps this this up. Best case scenario is he’s busy with family but knowing where you stand ultimately is better I promise.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:09

I was thinking about not replying to his messages, but I don't want him to think I'm childish or playing games.

OP posts:
EL2019 · 27/12/2019 21:10

I agree. Don’t message and if he does message again don’t reply straight away and when you do be busy so you can’t spend ages texting.
Be a bit unavailable.

And if the hot and cold thing goes on too long dump him and find someone better.

EL2019 · 27/12/2019 21:11

Our posts crossed. I was agreeing with person above to stop messaging.

Would he accuse you of being childish? You do sound genuinely busy with a house move.

Nicolanomore24 · 27/12/2019 21:14

I would just take a step back until you’re back at work. If he messages you, don’t respond straight away leave it a few hours and reply in the same way that he has messaged.

Just sit it out and see what happens. I’m in a sort of similar situation, lots of texting flirting with a colleague. We’ve met up a few times but nothing anywhere near properly dating. I’m trying to leave things in his hands and see how it goes as he’s a bit hot and cold too.

Crinkletinkle · 27/12/2019 21:15

Have you called him and talked to him? Or just texted? I get anxious in new relationships and I think texting rather than speaking on the phone makes my anxiety worse. Texts are more open to negative interpretation by the recipient.

LokisLover · 27/12/2019 21:17

Have a look at the baggage reclaim website. I’ve learnt so much from it. This page might help
www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-theres-no-point-being-with-somebody-who-blows-hot-cold/

Swipe left for the next trending thread