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Original poster

Man blowing hot and cold? Or am I being too needy?

72 replies

Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 19:55

Hi everyone

One of my work colleagues has been pursuing me for a few months now. We get on great, and have a solid friendship, with a lot of flirting. A couple of months ago we admitted we had feelings for each other and things have progressed rapidly since then. We've kissed a few times, but nothing further, although we do talk about taking things further quite often.

Up until this week he would message me every single day, cute good morning texts, late night lovely messages. We would be quite soppy with one another and talk about being together, cuddling and kissing. Wed talk about missing each other when we were apart for a day or two and get quite intense about feelings. He even told me he wanted me to fall asleep in his arms five days ago.

We are currently off work, and live a fair distance from each other, so we won't be seeing each other for two weeks in total. Since his messages five days ago about falling asleep with each other etc, he's been very off with me. He always, always messages first and while he has sent some messages, the conversation is strained and he doesn't directly respond to any soppy messages off me (he just changes the subject). For example, I said 'ive been thinking about you quite a bit today, how's your day been', which is something we usually say to each other, he replied 'yeah good thanks, how was yours'.

We've had some ups and downs, mainly to do with my insecurities about his feelings for me, but we sorted it all and things have been going really well recently. I don't want to overreact to his coldness, as I'm not sure if it's me just misreading things and attempting to seek validation. A part of me wants to avoid conversation with him until we go to work because it's just so awkward when we do speak.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to keep my coo

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:20

We only talk over text. You're right about misinterpreting messages though, we've had a couple of incidents where we've misinterpreted what the other has said, which is probably the reason why the relationship hasn't gone further so far.

I'm trying to take things slow, I'm aware work relationships can be difficult, and I don't want to be used and dumped, especially then having to work with him every day.

I was thinking of giving it a few days, in the hope that the affectionate messages have dried up because of the Christmas rush, then if there's no improvement, just asking what's changed and whether I'm wasting my time. The problem with this option is I'm worried I might come across as clingy and desperate.

The other option is to wait it out u til we return to work the week after next. This will be really difficult, and maybe not good for my mental health if he continues, but it will give me a chance to see how he is with me in person before jumping to any conclusions.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 27/12/2019 21:24

Because we've had so many ups and downs, I don't want to come across as being needy and asking him outright if everything is ok

You aren't conducting any sort of meaningful committed relationship, so where are all the "ups and downs" coming from? It's illusion, it has probably gone on for long enough that you're now making things up in your head to fill in the gaps.

Take back control, just drop all the texting, it's cheap, and easy to fire off a text but not easy to actually commit, with actions, expressions of feelings and desire for closeness.

Beware it doesn't all run out of steam and get past being able to create something meaningful out of it because of too much gameplaying.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 21:39

I think you're coming across as too clingy and needy.
His message: "I can't stop thinking about you" sounds like a flirty, light, casually suggestive comment. Your response: "You make me happy" sounds heavier- as if he is responsible for your happiness.
I think what's going on here is - he's making light flirty comments but you are responding as if you are already "in love", in a serious relationship, and you aren't. You aren't even properly dating yet. Its way, way too much.

Dont invest so much of yourself so quickly- what's the rush? if you rush in too quickly, there will be nowhere to go- it will place far too much pressure on you both, too soon. Your world shouldn't revolve around him- if it does, he will pick up on that and it will be a huge turn off so soon into the relationship. Back off a bit and keep it light and fun, dont always be 100% available to him and keep seeing your friends and having a life of your own. Make him feel that you are just a little bit "unavailable". If you are all up in his face 24/7 it will feel suffocating.
You acknowledge you have a tendency to be needy and clingy which is good- so definitely give him some space.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:40

In hindsight though, we are still speaking every day. Can I really expect him to message me every single day we are apart? Isn't that a bit much so early on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:43

I did think after sending the message that it was too heavy. To be fair he had been sending me quite heavy messages the previous day, I don't want to go into it too much is such a public forum, but among other things he was telling me he really likes me, I really mean a lot to him etc

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/12/2019 21:46

In hindsight though, we are still speaking every day. Can I really expect him to message me every single day we are apart? Isn't that a bit much so early on?*

Bloody hell, yes, especially as this isn't even 'early on' - it's pre-early.

Stop all the texting mush and try actually spending some time together.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 21:49

The more I think about it, the more I think you are probably right about me coming on too heavy with that message. I guess the last time he was affectionate towards me was christmas eve, and I sent the message in the morning of Christmas day when we were chatting. It was mostly to do with me feeling a bit high after the lovely things we said to each other the previous day, and I'm very much regretting it now. Any suggestions of how/if I can redeem myself?

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 27/12/2019 21:49

If you meant that much he'd jump at asking you out, dating, making it exclusive and locking it in.

He's not because he's just not that into you. He loves the ego boost though. If you're happy remaining single you aren't dating anyone, certainly not him and providing some avoidant twodger from work a free ego boost ... crack on. Otherwise, end it and actually date other people.

beautifulstranger101 · 27/12/2019 21:50

I think the problem is- when we start liking someone we get super anxious about what THEY are feeling, what THEY are thinking, what THEY are doing. We overanalyse every tiny detail and try to interpret what it means etc I know I've done that in the past.

But remember- this isn't just about how HE feels, this process is also to discover what you think about him, whether you feel he's right for YOU, whether he meets YOUR needs in a relationship. This part should be fun!- it should be a slow, gradual discovering of each other and finding out about each other, an exploration. Dont treat it like some kind of test of your worthiness- he isn't God, he's just a bloke. Maybe you're compatible or maybe you aren't, but he shouldn't be determining your personal happiness. Keep it light, and have fun and dont invest more than he is investing in you.

Dieu · 27/12/2019 21:52

Sorry OP, but you're just not listening to us, and still focusing on the texting.
Good luck though.

PinkFluff2 · 27/12/2019 21:53

The "Christmas rush" is absolutely not an excuse. Yes people are busier over the holiday period but if someone you REALLY like sends you a text about feelings or whatever you wouldn't just respond saying 'thanks'. If he had time to say thanks, he had time to say he felt the same. But he didn't.

Michaelbaubles · 27/12/2019 21:58

You can’t “redeem yourself” because you’re not actually doing anything wrong in a way, you’re responding naturally to how things seem to you...but how they seem is not how they are!

I’d just go out and live my life normally and treat him like any other work colleague I’m friends with. If he wants to be with you he WILL make dates, he WILL find ways to see you even when everything is busy and he WILL move things into a real relationship. If none of those happen then he’s just not into you, he’s into the idea but is probably too emotionally immature or unavailable to move things forward properly.

Oh and don’t ever ever EVER ask why they’ve gone cold/quiet, because it’s basically never anything you did or even if it is it’s something you’d never actually guess or be able to change, and it gives them power thinking it’s got to you so much.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 27/12/2019 22:00

Bin.
You have yourself a tyre kicker there.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 22:05

Thank you for all the advice guys. I really do appreciate it.

I'm not going to message first, and I'll try and keep any responses light, leaving a while between messages.

He's usually very full on in work, very touchy, holding my hand and things, so I'm not sure how to play it cool without blowing hot and cold myself.

OP posts:
PinkFluff2 · 27/12/2019 22:09

He's only willing to put the effort in at work and not in your real lives. It's an ego boost for him and probably makes his working day more exciting. But he doesn't seem to want to make you part of his life outside of work.

Original poster
Confusedlady246 · 27/12/2019 22:14

I'm really embarrassed having realised I've come on to strong. It's really useful having perspectives from other people.

OP posts:
Sofacat · 27/12/2019 22:19

I also wonder if he is really single.

Michaelbaubles · 27/12/2019 22:27

Don’t be embarrassed, he wanted you to feel like that, anyone would if someone they liked acted that way.

Just always try to keep your cool a bit until things are real. I have a work colleague who’s touchy-feels, loads of compliments, notices what I’m wearing and sits next to me...it would be easy to get swept away by it except that he’s as gay as the day is long and he enjoys the ego boost from having female friends flocking round him (he’s actually very sweet but shameless about trying to get attention). If I was in a vulnerable place I’d probably start falling for it to be honest! As I’m not I can tell him to sod off. We all have chinks in our armour and people find their way into them.

Nicolanomore24 · 27/12/2019 22:28

Don’t be embarrassed, you’ve not done anything to be embarrassed about. Just play a bit of hard to get and unavailable and see how it plays out.

CalleighDoodle · 27/12/2019 22:33

He sounds really inappropriate at work. Thats really not appropriate work behaviour. Thats out of work behaviour, but he isnt doing it out of work.

You shouldnt even be having conversations about feelings before having any proper dates. Thats ridiculous. Like faking a relationship. Its all based on smoke. Nothing of substance. stop texting all the time and arrange a proper date.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/12/2019 22:39

What sort of place do you work at, that he can be very full on, very touchy, holding your hands and so on?!

It sounds to me as if he's passing the time with you to liven up the tedium of work. This is all froth and bubble; there's nothing of substance here, I'm afraid.

In your shoes, I would turn my phone off for a couple of days and get on with my real life, meeting real friends, having real conversations, doing something active, anything to stop the endless over-analysing of every detail of his texts.

Nutellalovesme · 27/12/2019 22:40

I think it's weird that you only ever text.
Why don't you speak on the phone?

In all honesty it sounds to me like he isn't single

Janeanne60 · 27/12/2019 22:48

There could be an innocent reason as to why his texts are intermittent, phone signal, family commitments etc. However, underlying this is the fact that at the moment this is not a bonafide relationship. You have shared some kisses and skipped the sex and the getting to know each other and gone straight to the 'can we make it work ' phase.
I think you need to ask him out. It's not being needy to want a relationship which involves dating.. that's just a relationship. If he's reluctant, there's a problem. Maybe he's got another almost-girlfriend? Maybe he's asexual and likes the idea of romance rather than the bedroom bit?
What about saying...this is confusing. I feel as if I know you....and yet I don't. How about starting from scratch and going out together after Christmas. Let's just do that rather than texting...I want to know you as a person.

Fingers crossed for you. xxx

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 27/12/2019 23:00

Phone him and have a proper conversation.

Eslteacher06 · 27/12/2019 23:23

If this relationship was for the long haul, you shouldn't feel the need to redeem yourself. And I've been in your shoes so know how you're feeling. This time is the best time of your relationship, before responsibilities/stress/life get in the way. This is the best you can achieve with him and it doesn't seem like much tbh. You're worth more than that!