Man blowing hot and cold? Or am I being too needy?

[Confusedlady246]

Hi everyone

One of my work colleagues has been pursuing me for a few months now. We get on great, and have a solid friendship, with a lot of flirting. A couple of months ago we admitted we had feelings for each other and things have progressed rapidly since then. We've kissed a few times, but nothing further, although we do talk about taking things further quite often.

Up until this week he would message me every single day, cute good morning texts, late night lovely messages. We would be quite soppy with one another and talk about being together, cuddling and kissing. Wed talk about missing each other when we were apart for a day or two and get quite intense about feelings. He even told me he wanted me to fall asleep in his arms five days ago.

We are currently off work, and live a fair distance from each other, so we won't be seeing each other for two weeks in total. Since his messages five days ago about falling asleep with each other etc, he's been very off with me. He always, always messages first and while he has sent some messages, the conversation is strained and he doesn't directly respond to any soppy messages off me (he just changes the subject). For example, I said 'ive been thinking about you quite a bit today, how's your day been', which is something we usually say to each other, he replied 'yeah good thanks, how was yours'.

We've had some ups and downs, mainly to do with my insecurities about his feelings for me, but we sorted it all and things have been going really well recently. I don't want to overreact to his coldness, as I'm not sure if it's me just misreading things and attempting to seek validation. A part of me wants to avoid conversation with him until we go to work because it's just so awkward when we do speak.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying so hard to keep my coo

One thing I learned when I began dating again is that texting really should be kept to a minimal. Keep all your chat for meeting. Even a phone call is better.
I’d distance myself a bit. Once a guy thinks they have you they stop the chase. Be busy, go out with friends so he doesn’t think you’re sitting waiting on his text.
I’d say to him that although keeping in touch with him is lovely you’d far rather have real conversations with him. It all sounds like a lot of hard work

He’s not songle

*Single

If you are both interested in each other then make a proper date to go out in the new year. For the avoidance of doubt that is an evening out together. Usually it involves dinner in a romantic restaurant. At the end of the date you should know whether you want to see each other again. A definite date and arrangement is made.

If the above is not achievable then he isn’t interested or even if he was why would you be. And, the spirit of Christmas future could predict that

• you will get no present or a thoughtless present
• you will have to buy presents for all his relatives and your children
• you will need to do everything preparing for Christmas Day. He will cook the Turkey you bought. By that I mean bunging it in the oven whilst you peel and chop. He will get lauded whilst you serve out dishes.
• he will piss off on Boxing Day with mates leaving you to entertain and clear up.

@HouseworkAvoider10 - “tyre kicker” - PERFECT description!

He sounds like he is in a relationship OP, hence why he doesn't call you or see you outside of work. Flirting with you makes his work day more pleasant, he is using you. Have some self respect and bin him off, continuing this charade is only going to make you more unhappy

I think you're actually being quite manipulative and trying to force a relationship from just texting and a few lunches - being insecure, needing reassurance from him that he's actually into you, maybe he doesn't know if he's into you or not as you've barely spent any time together!

You say you're taking it slow - no you're not! You're wanting commitment from him before you've even properly dated!

You need to back right off, now!

I'm not trying to be manipulative, up until this week I would have said it was me who was acting less keen, and him who was doing the chasing.

I understand I need to stop being dramatic and back off, but it's difficult to know how to act when he is full on with me when we see each other, I don't want him thinking I'm being cold.

I think I'll put my phone off for a few days, I'm just concerned that he'll think I'm playing games.

I do this often, I meet men and we are friends first, and I'm cool, calm, collected and I think fun to be around. Then I get sucked in and all of a sudden I don't know how to behave anymore, especially when they start pulling away. I go from being chatty and bubbly, to struggling to even form a conversation for reasons god only knows.

Do you know his home address? If you do go on 192.com and see if there are any free results as to who lives there. It will list all adults at the address. You may find there is a woman of similar age at the same address?ie A possible wife?

If you do not know the exact address you can see a list of potential people of the same surname in the area you put.

If there are no free results you can pay for up to date info taken from the electoral roll and go through all the people of the same first initial and surname until you find an address for one or two that sound likely. Then google the street view of their address. Look for his car in a recent street view (or if you know he used to own a blue jeep a couple of years ago and there’s one at an address in a street maps pic from then bingo)! Or look for details about his house he has mentioned, like the colour of his door, the rickety porch he’s mentioned, the old slabs, the bay window, whatever. Try and tie it up.

It may throw some light on things.

Google street view pics of his car at an address with two people listed when he says he’s single would be a red flag. Depending on when it was obv as it could be an ex from three years ago if the info is old.

If you do go to his town at some point and by then know his street name, his local library will have paper electoral roll info available for anyone to view. Look at who is listed at his address. That info is updated monthly I believe and should be accurate.

If someone is hiding and lists themselves at an address they don’t stay at obv you won’t know about that, eg a girlfriend saying she lives with her parents (when she really lives with him) so he can get his single persons council tax discount.

I doubt you are trying to be manipulative, but asking him to provide reassurance for your insecurities isn't a great start or foundation for a relationship.

Sounds as though you have an insecure/anxious attachment style, and spend more time obsessing over whether a guy likes you than about whether you like him/he's good for you.

Know your own worth, and if you have to keep asking if someone really likes you then they probably don't.

Or they did in the first place but you put them off with the reassurance seeking and insecurity. The early stages of dating are supposed to be fun, this doesn't sound like much fun for you.

Huh? Am I reading this correctly?

You've shared a kiss with a work colleague who you go to lunch with (which isn't a date)... And you're both professing all sorts of feelings for each other?

Based on what? You can't develop feelings for someone without spending time with them. Texts are irrelevant, they're filtered and edited to portray a certain person. Does he say those things in person?

Also, Christmas would exacerbate feelings if they were genuine.. people get more sentimental and feelings of loneliness would magnify. For context, my ex who split with me 3 months ago has been texting me continuously from Christmas Eve. He spends Christmas with about 25 of his extended family and is very busy ... so don't kid yourself that he is "just busy with family"

You talk alot about how you feel embarrassed about reciprocating things he has been saying to you. Why is that? Do you actually have those feelings, or could it be that you've got swept up in the moment and convinced yourself of them?

It sounds awfully strange (not in a mean way) almost like a fake "showmance" of both really really wanting a relationship with the sparkle and excitement ... But it has no legs. You spend no time together, you don't see each other over Christmas, he doesn't even phone you up ... Believe me, if a man misses you enough he will move heaven and earth to see you.

My first boyfriend drove down from Scotland to southern England on Christmas day evening so we could spend Christmas night together.

Do yourself a favour and fuck this off. Honestly it will lead to nothing but heartbreak.

How old are you OP? What's your past relationship history?

* I was thinking of giving it a few days, in the hope that the affectionate messages have dried up because of the Christmas rush, *

You need to get some self respect OP. This is pathetic.

* t was mostly to do with me feeling a bit high after the lovely things we said to each other the previous day, *

Have you ever experienced the high of being in love with someone and actually physically engaging with them - talking to them, holding hands, kissing?

Genuine question. Because getting a “high” from messages is odd

I'm afraid I don't have much advice just to say I'm exactly same in. All fun and chatty while ther is no more than friendship but as soon things heat up I just seize up and and goo all panicky and clingy.i would love to be able to analyse and get to the bottom as to why we are doing this🤔 hope it works out for you op X

I'm in my early thirties, and I was married for most of my twenties. My relationship with my husband was very one sided, and I never experienced any affection or intimacy, so it's all quite new to me. Any other men in my life I've found difficult to get to know because I clam up at get clingy.

You know what, OP, this is a really great opportunity for you. New year, fresh start. Time to focus on your own emotional needs. Have you ever had therapy / counselling? Now could be exactly the right time to learn so much about yourself and really put the work into understanding and valuing yourself. This guy is a distraction from the real fun stuff which is coming your way next year!

How about starting here :

www.goodreads.com/book/show/1390287.A_Woman_in_Your_Own_Right

I'm struggling to see how you think this man is showing you affection or intimacy?? Honestly.

OP if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you right now. He's only interested in you when it's easy and convenient I. E. Work. If he wanted to see you he would make it happen, he has a car yes?

I also don't believe he's single. The reason he hasnt responded how you would like is that he's with his girlfriend /wife/kids.

I'm also struggling with this op, you say things progressed rapidly in thr last couple of months, but it seems to have not progressed at all, you aren't dating, you've just kissed a few times and hold hands At work and send each other soppy texts?

For a woman in her thirties, it's highly unusual to think this is a rapid progression, you're not even dating or even officially seeing each other.

I'm also not sure what you do that he sits next to you and holds your hand, but it all sounds very school childish..