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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips to become the perfect DW whilst binding my time

53 replies

RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 15:33

I've found the incriminating messages and have decided to bide my time. But the only way to really get the prick to feel anything is to become the perfect wife (well partner - we're not married). Any tips to achieve Stepford glory whilst keeping my sanity will be appreciated! We have a newborn and a newly bought wreck of a house so timing is everything.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 27/12/2019 15:35

Based on you wanting to live a lie, your sanity is already gone.

PaperbackBlighter · 27/12/2019 15:38

Bide your time for what? If you know he’s cheating, what’s the point of waiting any longer to get out of the relationship?

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 15:40

Just see a solicitor. Get your finances in order and leave. Mind games rarely work

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 27/12/2019 15:41

Biding your time and being a perfect wife will achieve nothing. Why bother?

Mseddy · 27/12/2019 15:42

I wouldn't be the perfect wife. Id play him until he was so stressed he came clean. Start by using hair removal cream, just a little every night until a bald patch starts to appear. Maybe if he starts "going bald" he may realise living a lie is too stressful and admit his dickish ways.

80sstyle · 27/12/2019 15:42

What does biding your time actually mean?

ouch321 · 27/12/2019 15:42

Sympathy from me... Life is very very cruel.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/12/2019 15:45

Totally agree - why bother?
But you must have your reasons.
So do everything.
Wash on every morning. Tumble dry then iron and put away.
Have a look to find foods he likes and look up recipes.
Have his dinner on the table every night when he comes home.
Run him a bath.
Have the house clean and tidy. Hoover every day. Dust every day. Clean toilets and bathrooms every day.
Get some sexy lingerie and have wonderful sex every night making sure only HIS needs are met!!!
Run yourself ragged. Put your sexual and mental health at risk.
After all, the 1950's are calling.

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 15:46

I can't leave yet. I need to sort out my finances. So for now we need to be able to live together harmoniously and co parent. To do that I need to put emotions aside and to stop feeling hard done by and bitter. It helps no one especially my baby.

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 27/12/2019 15:47

Lose a stone, get your hair and nails done and make that man regret ever cheating on you!!!

Is that what you want to hear OP? I get wanting to make him feel your pain but to be brutally honest its doubtful he will care either way, cheating on you is proof of that. What would probably sting him though is pulling him up on it straight away, leaving him and meaning it, they rarely expect that.

Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 15:48

Are you staying with him to get the best financial outcome? How long do you intend to pretend all is well, sleep with him? That is not going to be good for your mental health.

See a solicitor pronto and leave would be my advice.

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/12/2019 15:49

Cross post. Banish him to the sofa until you can seperate, talk only about the baby and finances etc. Easier said than done I know, this is how some end up back in a relationship with the cheat.

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 15:49

Ok perhaps Stepford is the wrong way to go but I do want to be able to stop stressing myself out by not hating him anymore. I need to be civil for my sanity but I don't know how to stop my tongue before my head catches up! He finds it amusing and I get upset.

OP posts:
randominternetperson · 27/12/2019 15:51

Can't he leave?
There's no value in being the perfect partner, it's not going to change him for the better and may well just leave you more resentful. It sounds a little like you're doing the Pick Me dance.

Does he know you know?

What finances do you need to get in order? Do you own/rent. Are you jointly liable?

I'd personally quietly disengage and get a plan in place to leave.

Alternatively (if you want to, obviously) speak to him about what you've seen and try to work out whether you want to fix things without any Machiavellian plans afoot.

Nousernameforme · 27/12/2019 15:52

Does he know you know

Drabarni · 27/12/2019 15:56

Why stay, more to life than money.
Personally, I couldn't be in the same house as a cheat, I'd rather starve, why are you lowering yourself.

randominternetperson · 27/12/2019 15:56

Ah, so he does know you've seen the messages.
I'd google the grey rock technique. Try to find a way to emotionally detach until you're sorted.
If your relationship is over then look after you and the baby but let him cook, clean and shop for himself etc.

Shockers · 27/12/2019 15:56

Just do your best for you and your baby. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 15:57

I probably am doing the pick me dance on reflection. I don't think he knows. I just want a quiet stress free life.

OP posts:
InsertFunnyUsername · 27/12/2019 16:01

I can relate to the feeling of their pleasure when you're upset, so wanting to act like you're not that bothered. It can work, but will take a serious toll on your MH. Ideally you would tell him you know and that it's over then as soon as you can seperate for good. He can watch you and your child not crumble and realise what an arsehole he is.

1forAll74 · 27/12/2019 16:11

I would go along doing what you are doing. Most women might not. But if you can try and live a stress free life for a while,that will be better for you. Anger ,fury,and resentment are killers of your mind and soul.

Your plan might be to make your partner,think what he is missing in a now perfect partner, but that doesn't matter in the scheme of things,if you are strong,and level headed, and know exactly what you are doing,and what you intend to do.

TwilightPeace · 27/12/2019 16:21

Personally, I couldn't be in the same house as a cheat, I'd rather starve, why are you lowering yourself.

Hmm Really?
Rather end up homeless and starving with a baby, than have a roof over your head? Ok....

Groovinpeanut · 27/12/2019 16:27

I would simply make it known you've seen the messages. It removes his control over the situation then. If he tries to talk his way out of it, just put your hand up and say "Can I just stop you there" You can then say that as far as your concerned it's over, and you'll be getting your affairs in order and leaving when it is convenient and suits you.
Just look at him and think to yourself 'saddo' everyone you need to speak to him, and treat him with total indifference.
I hope you manage to leave soon, and the best of luck for a new way forward.

thehorseandhisboy · 27/12/2019 16:33

I think you need to change your focus to being the best support for yourself and your baby that you can be.

Focus on you and what you need. Get your financial affairs in order. Speak to friends for support. Get as much sleep as possible; eat well; look after yourself as much as you can with a newborn.

Regard your partner as an annoying but temporary addition to your household, who you'll be shot off as soon as you can be.

If you think it will be helpful, let him know that you've seen the messages and that you want to end the relationship. If not, then keep stum for the moment.

Anything, anything but the 'pick me' dance.

Palavah · 27/12/2019 16:35

Is this about money? Or about the only way to get the prick to feel anything ?

If it's the latter, give yourself a break and stop pretending.