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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tips to become the perfect DW whilst binding my time

53 replies

RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 15:33

I've found the incriminating messages and have decided to bide my time. But the only way to really get the prick to feel anything is to become the perfect wife (well partner - we're not married). Any tips to achieve Stepford glory whilst keeping my sanity will be appreciated! We have a newborn and a newly bought wreck of a house so timing is everything.

OP posts:
CanIHaveADrink · 27/12/2019 16:41

You need to emotionally detach from him. Basically moving on even though you stein the same house.
No sex or intimacy helps too. No touching. Or caring about he might struggle with x or y etc....

CanIHaveADrink · 27/12/2019 16:42

And start to be selfish and look after yourself only. Do

CanIHaveADrink · 27/12/2019 16:43

Sorry do what is working FOR YOU rather what is good for the family/your partner etc....

seriouslystressedoutmama · 27/12/2019 16:53

Oh that's tough. I know how you feel about not wanting the bitterness to eat you up. Let me know if you figure it out as I'm two years down the line and still can't shake it.

Has it been going on throughout your pregnancy? My ex started seeing OW very early on in our pregnancy nearly died when I found out. Pick me dance didn't work for me.

Oh gosh OP he's an awful dickhead. How old is your baby?

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 16:53

It's absolutely not about money. What I have is very much mine and I don't care about what he has. I'm not after his cash but I don't fancy the hefty early redemption fee on the mortgage so keeping the house on and hopefully making money on it for the future is the plan.

My focus is me and the baby. I thought things would be different but they're not.

OP posts:
RexDangerVest · 27/12/2019 16:56

I'm in a similar situation OP only been in our house 6 months

lexiepuppy · 27/12/2019 17:02

I would bag up his clothes and dump them outside, get the Locksmith round and change the locks.

Text him a ‘I fucking know all about OW’.

Then say have a happy 2020.
Solicitors and CMS will be in contact shortly.

Look up what benefits you are entitled to.

And thank your lucky stars 🌟 you don’t have to deal with a lying, cheating fucker anymore!

I hope you and your 👶 baby will have lots of support from family and friends.

Good luck!Flowers

Bunnyfuller · 27/12/2019 17:12

Don’t try to become the perfect partner. You already were, but he’s a dick looking for thrills. He can’t get his immature kicks in an honest, respectful relationship, that’s why he’s cheated.

Move him onto the sofa. Work out a rota for looking after your baby, and when it’s your time off, go out, even if it’s just to a friend’s or your family.

Treat him like a lodger with childcare responsibilities. Decide what you’re doing with the house, he sleeps on sofa or spare room (would be better if he moved out).

Things feel a little teeny bit better when you take control and let logic rule.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/12/2019 17:12

What is the situation re the property and finances?. Is the mortgage in joint names?. If you really do want a quiet stress free life you and he will need to be apart as soon as possible. Would also second the counsel here to see a Solicitor asap re the property and child access arrangements (I would formalise these also rather than have any informal arrangement) and leave. He is financially responsible for his child but not to you.

QueenOfTheFae · 27/12/2019 17:16

so if you don't need the money, whats the plan? what are you waiting for?

NorthEndGal · 27/12/2019 17:24

Wtf , you dont need the money atm, he makes you feel like shit, he feels nothing but derision, and you are hanging around?

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 17:25

House is protected in terms of contribution. I earn enough for me and baby I don't need his money. He has no interest in me or the baby and I don't trust him with the baby.

Waiting because the house is tied up. I've tried being nice when he got in. He just doesn't want to converse with me even about non-issues. His phone is much more important.

OP posts:
Therebythedoor · 27/12/2019 18:24

So, realistically, how long are you going to have to put up with the situation until you can leave?

MMmomDD · 27/12/2019 18:43

How about not ‘being nice’, not being anything special really.
Just go about your life and with a new baby you won’t have a problem to busy yourself.
Leave him be.

Can you use the time to start making any houseworks? Maybe a done-up house would fetch a better price? If this was always the plan.

Original poster
RigidBoard · 27/12/2019 19:10

We were planning some big renovations but it might have to be much more basic as otherwise I'd have to go back to work earlier than expected and full time, which I don't want to do.

Why even buy with me if he isn't interested. I don't get it. I've lost my independence and gained a massive financial drain.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 27/12/2019 19:17

Rather end up homeless and starving with a baby, than have a roof over your head? Ok....

A little dramatic, I would think.

CanIHaveADrink · 27/12/2019 19:25

I've tried being nice when he got in. He just doesn't want to converse with me even about non-issues.
THAT is actually a good thing!!
It means that
1- you can detach and he won’t mind/notice
2- you don’t have to interact with him or make an effort which means less emotional drain for you
3- you can do your own things wo being disturbed.
If he is already that detached himself, the only thing that might well register as being a issue is if you stop doing his washing and the cooking.

Tbh I would t try tone then best wife possible’. I would try my best to make the situation bearable fir yourself. And that means as little emotional effort on your part.

DBML · 27/12/2019 19:30

Op, he’s simply a twat and there’s nothing you can do to change that. It doesn’t matter what you do, how you look or who you are...he cheats because he can.
Look at all the celebrities who get cheated on, or left by their partners. Most are at least physically perfect, yet cheating still exists for them.

As for biding your time until you can leave, that’s not what you really wanted is it. You wanted him to pick you of his own free will, but that’s not how this works. And living with him in the meantime, why should he get the perfect gf treatment? Colder is what you should start to be, more distant, less reliant, more independent and less needy or loving. Then he can start to miss you before you’ve even left.

RancidOldHag · 27/12/2019 19:36

"I'd have to go back to work earlier than expected and full time, which I don't want to do"

So the time you need is only how long no it takes you to change your thought pattern, and embrace the freedom that comes with re-establishing your financial autonomy.

There is nothing whatsoever wrong with being a full-time working parent.

Therebythedoor · 27/12/2019 23:27

Maybe he bought with you because it suited him to share the financial burden...

seriouslystressedoutmama · 27/12/2019 23:43

I don't know how you're going to bide your time if he continues to ignore you? Will it not eat away at your self worth and esteem? At least it did for me. I felt so irrelevant by the end of the relationship.

doritosdip · 28/12/2019 00:25

Perfect from society's POV or perfect for him? He's decided that someone who's not for you floats his boat so however much you shag him you can't make yourself not him.

If you need time to get your eggs in a basket you just need to be inoffensive. Don't ask him for his whereabouts and call out his stupid obvious lies and let him think that he's so clever for fooling you. No way would I do this for my self esteem personally but you might really need the time.

He could have bought with you for many reasons- the affair is currently about sex and home buying isn't sexy, he's too lazy to disentangle himself (people will ask questions, he'll need to find a new place...), he doesn't dislike you so wants you as a backup plan, you have a child together and he doesn't want to look bad, he's so stupid he thinks that he can hide this from you indefinitely....

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you OP Thanks

HelloDeidre · 28/12/2019 00:37

You gave him your heart and your future and you built a home and a family with him and he has shown you what he thinks of all that by his actions. This man is now your enemy ..No one will hurt like this man has/will

Act accordingly.
Get him out of the house, change the locks, get a solicitors order, file for divorce and make you mind up today to move on

Because sooner or later you will have to move on ..there is no going back ..make it sooner and dont waste another minute on him

And remember the best revenge is your success and not giving him and his antics a second thought

pemberlyshades · 28/12/2019 00:39

@thehorseandhisboy has perfect advice.

Yeahnah2020 · 28/12/2019 09:14

Why are you bothering? Tell him you k ow he’s cheating, you have evidence and you’ll be leaving or he can when it’s convenient for you.

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