Mums' Christmas Exhaustion

[Allisquiet]

I have 2 young kids and have hosted both Christmas Day and Boxing Day at my house after saying I would not host both. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we have needed to have my parents over on boxing day, this has included food again.
I ache all over.
I.spent Christmas Eve on my feet all day preparing food, again on Christmas Day, got some fresh air on Boxing Day, then did the same in the afternoon. The tidying up has probably been the worst part. The baby hasn't been sleeping and DH and I aren't getting along.
I ache from head to foot this morning and I have stayed in bed. DH is annoyed, although hasn't said anything I can tell by his tone of voice.
The entire Christmas has been organised by myself from the present lists to buying, ordering, wrapping, finances spreadsheet, food lists and organising....everything. DH has done hardly anything and I spent Christmas Eve nagging him to motivate himself to help me as he was hungover.
Every year I say I am not exhausting myself with Christmas and every year I do. I haven't gone over the top, kept food simple etc, not gone overboard on gifts for the children but still...
My whole body aches this morning, it physically hurts to walk.
I have mouth ulcers.
My IBS has flared up.
And I don't want to see anyone.

I am annoyed with myself that I feel this way yet again at Christmas time. I am also annoyed that DH is annoyed with me for staying in bed- clearly has no idea of what it has taken to achieve our entire Christmas. I have also barely spent any time with my children and have been extremely snappy with them.

Are other mums feeling this? How do I avoid this rubbish feeling every year?

Consider counselling for your own self in how to be more assertive and say no.

Resolve to behave differently next year. Do not buy presents for anyone other than your children. His family, his circus to deal with. Spend more time with your children. Consider going on holiday for the festive season.

What is your relationship like with your DH on a day to day basis?. I ask as he does not seem very kind.

Oh you poor thing that sounds really rubbish. And everything the pp said.

The agreement in our house is that I do all the presents (buying and wrapping although half funded by DH). He is then totally responsible for Christmas dinner on the day. This plays to both of our strengths. We’re both exhausted today but I feel we’ve both worked equally hard so I don’t feel resentful.

Poor you. I'd there any way to make things easier on yourself for Christmas next year? Pre prepared food to just bung in the oven?
Buy fewer presents? See fewer people? Ditch the dh if he makes things harder? That last one is a bit light-hearted, but does he do his fair share at other times of the year? If not, would be listen and act if you sit him down for a chat about the division of labour in your household?

I don't feel how you feel, so you must be doing more than me. We hosted my parents on Christmas Eve, this involved food but I bought pre prepared food, so I bunged a lasagne and a toad in the hole in the oven and boiled some veg. Could that work for you? We didn't host on Christmas Day, just had the 4 of us, but wouldn't be doing bells and whistles Christmas dinner even if there were a lot of people, just a fairly standard roast, with frozen Yorkshire puddings, frozen roast potatoes, etc. Still involves some organising in terms of timings but not as time consuming as doing it all from scratch. Boxing Day we went to mil's, but even she didn't do a massive amount of hosting/food prep, we had takeaway to make it easier (but more expensive!)

You need to think of ways you can take it easier. Pre prepared food, or everyone bring a contribution, or takeaway. Time with your children has got to be more important than the food and hosting.

Perhaps you're coming down with flu.

Just wanted to echo what the PPs have said.

No cards
Only buy for your kids
Minimal decorations and rope the kids in to help
No entertaining (or if it's not possible, book a restaurant)
Pre-prepared food as much as possible. Don't bother with starters.
Home delivery as much as possible.

Other option is just to go on holiday for xmas.

It's rubbish I know. It very very slowly gets easier as the children grow up.

We went over and above on the actual Christmas Dinner I think. We had help from family members who always muck in, but everything was made from scratch, following Jamie Oliver recipes. A lot was prepared the day before, but still too much. I think I find hosting emotionally draining in addition to being practically draining. I asked MIL, SIL to help themselves to drinks but they didn't and I ended up keeping MIL hydrated throughout the day as she sat with her feet up. This had not been the plan. Then of course people who were mucking in with the lunch didn't know where plates or serving dishes were so I ended up rifling through cupboards and getting them things. The plan was to.use our home as the venue for the meal but everyone help with cooking it. I completely underestimated how overwhelming it is to host in your own home despite the practical work. It was easier than some years and probably would have been ok if I hadn't needed to host again on Boxing Day. My parents are currently between homes and staying with a friend so I had no choice but to host again. They occupied the chidlren whilst we reheated food from Christmas Day but I felt like I'd missed out on them again.
Today, I am again missing out on the children as I just want to stay in bed.

Stop enabling your husband to be a useless lump. Then you won’t be so exhausted.

DH won't go on holiday for Christmas, I ask every year!

My husband doesn't need enabling to be useless @dickdewy.
But I have learned over the years that the arguments and time spent trying to force him to participate more and play his part wastes even more energy.

Poor you I hope you feel better soon.

If I was you I’d stop doing so much Christmas prep and organising and spend the time with your kids.

They won’t remember beautiful meals and a tidy house. They will remember you had no time for them and you were snappy. This isn’t a criticism and I don’t want to make you feel worse but you will lose them (Metaphorically, they’ll want to be elsewhere at xmas) if you carry on like this. It may be why your husband is impatient with you. He could also be an arse I don’t really know! But you write like you’ve lost yourself into creating an ideal of Xmas with food lists and spreadsheets.

Your biggest problem is your husband.
He sounds like a lazy waste of space.

We hosted DHs family and although I did the majority of cooking and cleaning DH more than pitched in on the day and didn't let me lift a finger all day yesterday and has taken DS out this afternoon because ' I deserve a rest'.

If I were you if stay in bed today and make it clear why. Then I'd be enforcing a new regime from tomorrow where you and DH split things equally.

You sound v physically unwell (IBS, ulcers, aches, tiredness) and emotionally exhausted.

Who is caring for and cherishing you? Your DH doesn’t sound kind (is he often hungover) - did your DPs help you out?

You need to prioritise your own physical and mental wellbeing right now - because no one else is looking out for you. Take yourself to bed with “flu” for a few days. Let your DH manage the DCs. Get recovered.

Does this wipeout only happen at Xmas - or do you have a 50/50 share of household chores and actively respectfully look out and care for each other on the other 364 days of the year?

Don’t let someone exhaust you so that you become the mother you don’t want to be.

I don't know the answer. I'm panicking over next year.

I know it seems easy to say no from the outside but in reality it makes me feel grinchy and inhospitable. But I hate hosting.

DH won't go on holiday for Christmas, I ask every year!

Don't ask. Book it and TELL. if he doesn't want to join you he can stay home and be miserable.

I’d suggest binning the husband if he can’t change.

I have wipeouts after busy times. I have them after the childrens birthdays and always in the summer after preparing and packing for family holidays.

DH is very last minute and he stitched me up this year after I said I was not doing a birthday party for eldest DC and he said he would sort it all out and left it all to the last minute, so obviously I sorted it as a I did not want her disappointed.

He knows I find these things stressful but I think because I work part-time and he works full-time there is a subconscious belief that I should shoulder it all.

He definitely does not care for me when I'm sick. It is a hinderence. I do not feel cherished at all.

He is struggling in a very demanding job and his time management is appalling so he genuinely can't seem to take on much of the home stuff at all.

He also believes he is able and will contribute more than he does and has very good intentions for doing more, but then finds he hasn't prioritised any time for it.

He does not go out drinking often but seems to struggle to not get drunk when he does and is useless all day following.

I think I'd have left DH to do the bulk on Boxing Day after you'd had to wait on your in laws hand on foot. If you can do it, why can't he?

Would he not be disappointed if DD had been upset? Maybe he would've pulled a last minute party out of the bag, maybe it would've gone a bit wrong - that's just a learning opportunity so he can do it better next year!

Bless you OP. We've got our final batch of socialising/overnight guests today, but after tomorrow I think I'd gladly not see another human for a week. Tomorrow after they leave I'm getting in the bath, spending the day in my dressing gown, then ordering a take away.

My husband doesn't need enabling to be useless @dickdewy*.
But I have learned over the years that the arguments and time spent trying to force him to participate more and play his part wastes even more energy.*

Oh no Allsquiet - there it is.

You are right not to waste anymore energy.
Get yourself better. List out how you want your marriage and family to run. What levels of participation and partnership you expect from him. Tell him that if he isn’t on the team he is out. It is over. Mean it. Do some research - put the consequences in action - otherwise he will NEVER change. This will be his chance to sit up and listen - to reflect, change and grow as a partner - if he wants to.

This dynamic has taken you to near mental and physical collapse. Worse your DCs are being negatively impacted by a snappy, exhausted Mum and disengaged hungover Dad. This will continue to deteriorate until you trigger change - expectations and consequences. This is about your DCs - not how much negatively you can stomach.

It sounds like you predominantly have a DH problem, and there does sound like there's some enabling going on (your DDs party is a classic example).

Sorry to hear you're feeling so exhausted. If he's not going to look after you when you're sick, and you plan on staying with him, then you need to accept that you can't count on his support at these busy times and be a bit more moderate so that you aren't wiped out. Your symptoms all sound to be auto-immune so I imagine you have a lot of stress constantly bubbling away throughout the year.... You need to be on top of that before it becomes even more serious health-wise. You deserve to be happy and peaceful, and it doesn't sound like your current life facilitates that...?

Why not invite the kids into bed with you to watch a film/read quietly together, or all chill out on the sofa under a duvet? You get time with them but still chance to rest?

Hope you feel better soon

Do shortcuts next year food wise. Sod Jamie Oliver.

Tell DH his family aren’t coming because he’s a lazy lump who won’t help.

Enjoy your kids and relax.

Why did you put yourself through this and why on earth would you follow Jamie Oliver recipes!! They are convoluted and use loads of extra stuff you don’t need! I spent an hour preparing Xmas lunch and everybody’s gut was busting and loved it. I cut all the corners. Your husband is probably annoyed because you’re being a martyr! Just stop. The only person you are damaging is yourself. Nobody gives a shit that you cooked Jamie Oliver. Nobody. Just stop this nonsense. I even buy my potatoes ready peeled. 4 bags. Two for mash and two for the roast. All veg are ready prepared. Pack of garlic butter for the ready prepped Brussels. Turkey crown and one other meat all cooked day before. Thanks even buy the gravy all ready made. Ready made trifle and profiteroles for pudding. Cook extra large joint so you have meat for Boxing Day. French bread, packs of ready made salad, coleslaw and chutneys and bags of crisps. Job done. Easy and everybody loved it. No martyrs here and as long as everybody’s guts are full that’s all that counts. Sort yourself out with cheat sheets for next year. If you are missing Xmas day spent with your kids then you’ve only got yourself to blame. What a shame.

Sounds like he could be a problem drinker - a binge drinker?

Doesn’t drink during the week as his hangover would impact his colleagues, reputation and work. But happy to inflict his hangover on you and your DCs? Feels totally entitled to burden you with this? Your DCs are being emotionally neglected when he chooses not to engage with them or participate in family life.

There seem to be two things going on here.

Firstly, it seems that you know yourself and you know that after busy times you ‘wipeout’ and need a few days to recover. I’m the same. I get physically rundown and mentally exhausted after big events, especially social occasions and hosting (suspect I may be autistic...DS has a diagnosis...but that’s another story!). I have to be REALLY selfish at these times, although it’s more about having strong boundaries around self-care than selfishness, really. That means I ring fence time after a stressful occasion for rest and I am strict with myself and other people about it. It’s non-negotiable. If I hosted for two days at Christmas, I would need at least one day to sleep, lounge about, no major duties etc. It prevents me from getting physically ill or depressed, so it is worthwhile.

Second - you husband. He isn’t pulling his weight and being part of a team, and is basically sitting back and letting you do all the donkey work. He isn’t listening to you when you express your needs. Then he isn’t nurturing you when you’re feeling unwell and burnt out precisely because you’ve been doing all the work and not having your feelings taken into account. This is a major problem, OP, and if your DH refuses to discuss these issues or meet you halfway, where does that leave your marriage? It’s a miserable way to live.