Mums' Christmas Exhaustion

[Allisquiet]

I have 2 young kids and have hosted both Christmas Day and Boxing Day at my house after saying I would not host both. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we have needed to have my parents over on boxing day, this has included food again.
I ache all over.
I.spent Christmas Eve on my feet all day preparing food, again on Christmas Day, got some fresh air on Boxing Day, then did the same in the afternoon. The tidying up has probably been the worst part. The baby hasn't been sleeping and DH and I aren't getting along.
I ache from head to foot this morning and I have stayed in bed. DH is annoyed, although hasn't said anything I can tell by his tone of voice.
The entire Christmas has been organised by myself from the present lists to buying, ordering, wrapping, finances spreadsheet, food lists and organising....everything. DH has done hardly anything and I spent Christmas Eve nagging him to motivate himself to help me as he was hungover.
Every year I say I am not exhausting myself with Christmas and every year I do. I haven't gone over the top, kept food simple etc, not gone overboard on gifts for the children but still...
My whole body aches this morning, it physically hurts to walk.
I have mouth ulcers.
My IBS has flared up.
And I don't want to see anyone.

I am annoyed with myself that I feel this way yet again at Christmas time. I am also annoyed that DH is annoyed with me for staying in bed- clearly has no idea of what it has taken to achieve our entire Christmas. I have also barely spent any time with my children and have been extremely snappy with them.

Are other mums feeling this? How do I avoid this rubbish feeling every year?

The only person you can control is you.

Do what you can and no more.

Hope you're still in bed, OP!

@Allisquiet I feel your pain. I started another thread. I work full time and had 16 for Xmas from 23-26. Am in the recovery position still . Sending my love.

I'm knackered too because my DH can't/ won't cook and wouldn't sort gifts if left to it. He got a few quirky items he fancies buying but I got his family gifts/ kept the spreadsheet. He sent me an email saying "I'd like to help" two weeks before Christmas but was told off. I want help with mental load not a driver. I want a PA and the thinking I do to he shared. I did Christmas lunch at tea time this year which was way better - bought ready wrapped turkey in bacon joint and pigs in blankets but did the rest myself from scratch. I'm doing more prepared stuff next year for definite. Mum did Boxing Day although in poor health and I hated seeing her tired so jumped in and helped do hat meal too and all the clearing up. As a PP said if I didn't do it nobody would. Or rather she would offer (my DM that is) but shouldn't
My in laws were embarrassingly lazy. DH said he was ashamed of them yesterday. They did nothing but fussed about which chair they had / moving DH because they wanted a specify chair. In my mum's house!!
They have never hosted either. I'm going to suggest meal out next year for Boxing Day.
Small steps towards making it easier

@AgeLikeWine I did it because my dad had a stroke 2 months ago and I wanted the family together. It was hard work and I am still recovering but the memories are worth it. Don’t judge others please.

You've totally martyred yourself and overdone it. Ask yourself, did the meal need to be so complicated? We roasted our turkey the night before and got the potatoes and parsnips ready on a pan of cold water. Christmas day we went out in the morning, then only took us an hour to do the spuds etc, all no bother at all. We even did nice sprouts with chestnuts, pancetta etc, all very easy. Thats all you need.

Theres a few threads running about Christmas martyrs. You should have a look. You are feeling this way because you allowed it. You and only you. You know exactly what your DH is about but every year you do nothing about it- except the martyr role and then complain. Why?

Yes I find Christmas tiring. I don't get mouth ulcers etc though. However my dh puts a lot of work in too and organises/does a lot of running around. I would never do it all myself and he would never begrudge me a lie in. Usually he protects me from the kids in the morning and gets them organised.

I find Mumsnet is really depressing for these type of posts. I don't get why women marry these men that are written about on here. They sound fucking horrible and like they suck the life out everything. Why are you with him? If my dh behaved like that id be rethinking my life and relationship. Surely being on your own is easier than living with someone like this?

And ignore Henry8th. Ignore anyone who says shit like 'made memories'.

It's not like I cooked the whole dinner- I I didnt and I only reheated leftovers for Boxing Day. It's the emotional drain of hosting people in my home and the present opening and stuff all over the place. It's draining in itself.

I wouldn't put myself down as a martyr at all. DH bought his own familys gifts-I had nothing to do with those; I sorted the children and my own family.

I am a perfectionist in some regards and I definitely could have stuck to 1 starter as opposed to 4, but that's my own issue more than anything else. I am extremely drained by people more than anything, by constant conversation and requests for different items- they don't know their way around my kitchen etc. I felt I'd had my head plucked constantly by the end of Boxing Day.

Christmas Eve had been spent cleaning the house from top to bottom, preparing food and visiting elderly relatives whilst nagging hungover DH to find some motivation. The nagging exhausted me more than anything else that day.

It has taught me that unless DH is going to be proactive in the preparation tasks and not just cooking dinner, I won't be hosting for a large group of people again. I struggle with the chaos and mess in my home too much.

I've played with the children this afternoon after a long bath and ordered a take away. I feel much better.

Oh good. Ikwym about the emotional draining-ness of people!

I am glad that you have taken care of yourself enough to play with your children and that you are feeling better.

It’s important to remember that no one cares what you looked like, if your loft was tidy, your knicker drawer alphabetised etc - they will remember how you made them FEEL. So you need to think through and re-set your thresholds so that you don’t take on too much and get stressed and anxious and pass that on to your DCs. Bin off the elderly relatives, cleaning the house from top to toe if that drains you and makes you snappy with your DCs. They won’t remember lovely family xmases they will just remember the stressed out mum who sucked the joy out of Xmas.

Know your limits.

Some really unhelpful posts on here. Way to kick someone when they're down.
I think your DH sounds like a dick. Next year go to a hotel with your kids if they fancy it.
It's not really relevant how other people feel, it's how you feel that count. My dh has done loads (as have i) and I still feel knackered. We're all different.

I do feel for you. How old is your baby? And how many did you cook for? They sound hard work!! You know, it is no wonder you are exhausted. I wonder if you are about to get the flu or similar. You sound finished off. Ignore some of the responses OP - you are quite obviously posting because the situation has brought you to a realisation. You know what to do. Spend tomorrow lying down on the settee playing and chatting with the kids. And have cheese on toast for meals.

Glad you had a better day in the end. I am an introvert and though I love people and am very sociable I can only take so much and then want everyone to leave! It's why I hate large gatherings and would much rather see people one on one than in a big, exhausting group.

Sounds like you could be similar?

If you are that unwell after hosting Christmas dinner and boxing day, do you need tonget yourself checked out? MIL has just left after a week and it's like the albatross beimg removed from the Ancient Mariner.

DC are grown up now but I've done this for nearly 30 years now. I make it as easy as possible.

Christmas card labels will be updated by New Year ready for printing on 30th November.

I shop mid November and wrap on Christmas card weekend. Cards are posted 1st Monday in December.

Molly Maid or equivalent come in mid December for a "spring clean".

Host a Christmas weekend for mother and step weekend before and Christmas trees go up that Friday. It's a roast and they stay overnight.

Delivery of all the heavies a few days before. Collect meat 23rd and buy fresh food.

Xmas Eve is no cook smoked salmon, prawns, salmon, salad and new pots followed by mince pies.

Xmas Day: Turkey and stuffed duck. Bought gravy and cranberry, stuffing and pigs, pre-prepped sprouts. I do veg early morning for blasting in microwave. Bang in turkey at about 10. Serving dishes out and warming with plates in trolley. Bought Christmas pud and something choccy for the haterz. No starters - not necessary.

At 11.30 after church we have presents with nibbles: sausage rolls, cranberry and brie things - stuff from M&S. Black sack in the middle for paper - and straight into recycling.

Boxing Day: cold meats, salad, roasties, pickles, cake and leftover pudd.

27th: turkey and ham pie with mash and veg and whatever sweet stuff is left

Tonight - egg, chips and the last of the ham.

Make it easy for yourself.