Mums' Christmas Exhaustion

[Allisquiet]

I have 2 young kids and have hosted both Christmas Day and Boxing Day at my house after saying I would not host both. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we have needed to have my parents over on boxing day, this has included food again.
I ache all over.
I.spent Christmas Eve on my feet all day preparing food, again on Christmas Day, got some fresh air on Boxing Day, then did the same in the afternoon. The tidying up has probably been the worst part. The baby hasn't been sleeping and DH and I aren't getting along.
I ache from head to foot this morning and I have stayed in bed. DH is annoyed, although hasn't said anything I can tell by his tone of voice.
The entire Christmas has been organised by myself from the present lists to buying, ordering, wrapping, finances spreadsheet, food lists and organising....everything. DH has done hardly anything and I spent Christmas Eve nagging him to motivate himself to help me as he was hungover.
Every year I say I am not exhausting myself with Christmas and every year I do. I haven't gone over the top, kept food simple etc, not gone overboard on gifts for the children but still...
My whole body aches this morning, it physically hurts to walk.
I have mouth ulcers.
My IBS has flared up.
And I don't want to see anyone.

I am annoyed with myself that I feel this way yet again at Christmas time. I am also annoyed that DH is annoyed with me for staying in bed- clearly has no idea of what it has taken to achieve our entire Christmas. I have also barely spent any time with my children and have been extremely snappy with them.

Are other mums feeling this? How do I avoid this rubbish feeling every year?

DH likes the Jamie Oliver recipes. Not me.
He wanted extra sides of vegetables that I said no to. DH did a huge bulk of the cooking on Christmas Day himself so definitely wasn't sat in a corner drinking. He just doesn't quite realise the size if the task if you want it all to be perfect.

I am also wondering if I have some sort of autoummune disorder aside from a DH problem. It doesn't seem quite normal that I keep getting wiped out like this. I have visited the doctor about it before who has said it's anxiety/stress related. But I am not convinced. I assumed most mums would be feeling this knackered prior to posting on here but it seems it's not the case?

Sounds like you are martyring yourself. J O recipes? No need. You are very unwell and need a complete rest. Useless men like your husband are ten a penny. He won't change unless you do.

Have you tried to reduce the stress and address the anxiety around events - cutting yourself some slack, delegating, not taking on too much, building in rest time after - to see if that minimises the autoimmune stuff?

most mums would be feeling this knackered

You really need to look at the dynamic of other families. It's not the 1950s and 'women's work' is a thing of the past.

We're not feeling as knackered because we've not done everything .....sharing the physical and mental load helps massively.
You sound really run down and need to rest. A loving partner would enable this.

You need to accept that it can be less than perfect and still lovely.

I was planning all sorts of Jamie Oliver dishes, and my DP persuaded me to ditch them in favour of pre-prepared veg. I also only had one meal a day and an easy breakfast of scrambled eggs. No guests.

I delegated some to my family and accepted that it would be messy for a couple of days. And it was good. relaxed. Not perfect, and I didn't have maple roasted carrots, sprouts with pancetta and chestnuts and Jamie's make a head gravy. (and none of my family noticed the lack of those things at all!). But it was fine. And I'm not exhausted.

Not knackered at all here and neither are any of my friends, especially the ones who are christmassing in fully catered hotels! You really need to get your mindset into the current century. If he wants JO recipes you say no I’m not cooking that shit. Where’s your backbone? Nobody would tell me what I was cooking on Xmas day! They’re more than welcome to do it themselves but I play no part in other people’s weird decisions. If he’s a food snob then buy it all ready done from M&S.

I'm sat in tears reading all these responses. Feel like I've completely let myself down ans my guard. I've had lots of help in trying to be less perfectionist over the years and to lessen my load. It seems I've not learned a thing and this year, completely run myself into the ground on more than one occasion. I really envy those of you who have had lovely stressfree christmases who aren't exhausted.

I don't know how I've messed up so much after vowing not to over complicate family events anymore.

Hi OP I read with concern your IBS, "wiped out", and ulcers symptoms. One can have IBS or IBD. IBS is a syndrome - ie sore upset stomach etc but there are no physical manifestations in the digestive tract (inflammation, ulcers etc). IBD is Irritable Bowel Disease which encompasses things like Crohns and Colitis - an autoimmune disorder, which I have, as does my sister. I'm usually very well as it's slight but it can flare up especially at times of high stress. I especially also get inflamed soft tissues - sore joint/s, ulcers and sometimes eye inflammation which doctors can think is conjunctivitis - but it isn't. I'd get yourself checked at the doctors and mention wanting to be checked for the latter - Crohns or Colitis. Be firm - some are clued up and others not so much/dismissive. The problem is if you wait until you're well itcwn be hard to diagnose. You must see a gp or preferably a gastroenterologist whilst you're unwell. Take care of yourself x

If he wants Jamie Oliver recipes, he can do them!

The cook decides what they cook and how they cook it. Everyone else can fuck off.

Here in our house, I like cooking so I take on all the food side of things. I hate present shopping so DH does that. And when DM comes to stay she hates cooking and hates sitting with nothing to do but loves cleaning so basically gets happily stuck in at the sink washing up as we prepare everything.

You need to rest today. And after that, completely revise your rules for next year. Let him cook it all, you do presents and have a few pizzas in the freezer for when he fucks up and you still need to feed people. He's being deliberately useless so he doesn't have to lift a finger so you need to call his bluff.

Your post about your H not being enabled to be useless speaks volumes because it’s exactly what you are doing. Useless men aren’t created, they are enabled.

Your assertions don’t mean shit because you won’t back them up. I’m assuming your MIL’s is mobile and she wasn’t alone, so no it wasn’t your responsibility to keep her hydrated.

Your biggest problem isn’t your selfish H, it’s your poor boundaries and martyrdom tendencies.

Handwringing won’t change your situation nor will expecting different results from behaviour that stays the same.

Write out a Xmas list now if EVERYTHING that you did - then in November 2020 (or now!) go through every line and either

A) cross it out
B) prep it ahead and stick in freezer (I did short bursts of cooking eg make suede and carrot mash whilst waiting for kids to have breakfast one morning, made stuffing before starting work on a WFH day, chopped veg for a frozen Boxing Day lasagne whilst kettle boiled one day, made bolognaise sauce on 1/2 day off whilst also cooking that night's tea etc) all done before 16th Dec due to a work deadline that made doing it later unappealing!!
C) buy it ready made
D) put DH name against it
E) put PILs name against it
F) put your parents name against it

I feel the same. I'm completely wiped out and can barely stay awake. Like you, I did present shopping, wrapping, decorations, cleaning, food shopping, all the cooking and hosting.
However, I have fibromyalgia and ME, with two children already and 22 weeks pregnant. I knew it would happen, it always does, its a question of when.
I get offers to help, then no one does.

So yes, I ache and hurt all over and have done for days, yes I'm utterly drained and exhausted.
Listen to your body and sleep.

I will be sleeping on and off all day -with my cat, who is amazing company when I feel this awful.

I hope you feel better tomorrow xx

Please don't feel bad - it's bloody hard to just suddenly stop being a perfectionist; it's one of those things that's much easier said than done.
If it helps, I've cooked approximately 6 million Christmas lunches over the years, don't have small children anymore and I'm still dead on my feet today. First batch of visitors left this morning, and the next arrive tonight - I'm mostly dreading it. It is relentless and exhausting having other people in your home, however nice and well-meaning they are. And it's the exact time I don't want to lower my standards, because I want everything to be "lovely". It sounds like you've done bloody well - don't beat yourself up if you're knackered today.

I really dislike these kinds of posts i really do.

I have done xmas eve, xmas day, boxing day, new yrs eve and new yrs day and all the days in between dinners/celebrations for the last 20 yrs. I have not moaned to a soul ever. I too have IBS, i am also
going through the menopause and feel sick as a dog most days, i work full time and have 2 DC's and are a single parent. Xmas falls on me every year and has done for the last 20 consecutive yrs, because there is no one else capable of doing it due to elderly family,mental health issues in some family members and broken down relationships in others. If it were not for me doing everything and just getting on with it there would be no central xmas meal festivities for my family and in particular my DC's and i ultimately do this for them.

My DC's, elderly family and i have had a beautiful xmas with exceptional food and hospitality that i singled handily prepared. I am exhausted but i feel a great sense of satisfaction that my children have enjoyed a fantastic xmas meal with all their extended grannies and granddads and I did that.

Sometimes OP life deals us cards and we just have to play those cards. Make the best of, turn the jokers into a winning hand and stop moaning.

Your moaning post and self pity is exhausting and quite frankly insulting to thousands of us who
Just quietly beaver and work away for our families at xmas. And... if your husband is a lazy arse address it now and if no improvement, leave and build a new life.

You have come on here to moan. Stop moaning and get on with it! If you don't like doing xmas dinners don't do it and eat out in future. If yr husband is lazy, leave him and build a new life.

Simples!

You say you dont enable him, and then describe in minute detail how you enable him, and then you're wondering why you're so tired?

You didnt need to refill anyone's glass. You chose to. Put a cooler in the middle of the room and leave them to it.
You could have ordered Chinese and hung out with your parents and kids all boxing day laughing and relaxing and playing.
Jamie Oliver? Why do you go all out for a DH who barely gives a fuck you exist?
You could have bought in mostly ready made things and just done a simple fresh roast on the day, paper plates are fine. Its not about the trimmings and the baubles...

You could have let your DH fail at DD birthday party! Instead you literally removed ALL consequences from DH actions? Why?? What are you teaching DD about responsibility?

"Mums" arent exhausted at Xmas unless they have bought into the bullshit I think.

In our house, I cook the meals and dp buys all presents incl for my DC (not his). I wrap, he does the xmas cards and gets the (fresh) tree in. We have friends over to decorate the tree together over shop bought biscuits and champagne.... it's meant to be enjoyable. You do what you can, and let everything else ride.

You remind me of my mum, OP.

She’d half kill herself, not let my dad do a thing and end up resenting him for it. And knackered.

Nobody expects perfection’ and martyrs are never appreciated.

Wow, @IwasmarriedtoHenry8th you really sound like you are stuck in the Tudor times...

Thing is, if you have made everything picture perfect for a load of people, you will be absoutely fucking exhausted.

I made a basic christmas dinner for my family and PILs and that was fine because they understood that it's work and they said they'd be happy with whatever I do for them.

I cannot imagine Jamie Oliver-ing everything. No, I cooked veg in sallted water and did frozen roast potatoes and yorkshire puddings. Substituted chicken for turkey. Everyone enjoyed it, we had a great time as a family. We got all the food items the kids wanted.

Nobody got doled up and there were just a few wanted and nice presents. Nothing overwhelming, nothing unnecessary.

Say absolutely no to hosting next year, tell them it left you exhausted and unable to enjoy the day or the following days. Take control of Christmas and don't let it become this out of control beast in your house.

IwasmarriedtoHenry8th to redress the balance, I did not so much as peel a potato.

Wow iwasmarried what a way to kick someone when they're down.

@KingaRoo no, i just get on with life darling! No need to moan ! Just sucking it up buttercup and selflessly providing the family i love with xmas.

I will do the same next yr, my 21st. My DC's will have fantastic memories when i am long gone and i feel i have honoured and respected the older generations of my family and their siblings who gave so much in their youth in honour of our freedoms.

I will sleep and rest tomorrow. Memories made for this year and my family respected.

@DickDewy bravo you darling.

I was physically ill during my marriage. Much of it was simply the stress of being abused, manifesting physically. I am very well now - and happy.

I'm afraid the solution is divorce. This man is a drunk and an abuser and he will never change.

You can't save him. Save yourself (and your kids).

Yet another moaning bloody Christmas martyr.....

I completely fail to understand why so many women insist on behaving like this. They choose to martyr themselves by doing absolutely everything because nobody else would do it to their satisfaction, thereby create self-fulfilling prophecy of stress, anxiety, exhaustion and resentment. They then do exactly the same the next year with exactly the same result, having learned nothing.

Just stop doing it. The world will not end and everyone will have a much more relaxed, more enjoyable day. Problem solved.