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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex texting. Is it guilt?

66 replies

PumpkinP · 26/12/2019 22:57

I have children with my ex who he doesn’t see. This is his choice and he has not bothered with them in 3 years. Hasn’t seen them in that time (or paid.) the last time we spoke he said he didn’t want to be a dad (because it’s optional Hmm) and that he won’t ever be, and that I should only contact him if it’s an emergency! Well obviously I have never contacted him since. Anyway he had the cheek to message me yesterday saying he has sent me £200. This is the first payment in over 3 years. I didn’t respond and he texted me later that evening to ask if I got his message. Why do they do this? Is it guilt? According to my sister it was “good” of him to give the money, I don’t see how it’s good of him, it’s something he should be doing. I haven’t responded and don’t intent to but wondering if I should?

OP posts:
RLEOM · 27/12/2019 00:03

If you want any chance of him starting to pay towards them, you need to reply.

tinytoast · 27/12/2019 00:09

Hmm I would text back and just say yes. To encourage more payments I would tell him what the money is going towards too even if it's a wee white lie.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/12/2019 00:33

Really?! I’m shocked by the responses I thought people would say definitely don’t reply! I don’t ever want to speak to him again tbh the last time we spoke he was absolutely awful, told me he would never see them, that I tricked him into having all 4! Confused That I only want him to see them because I have no other family (obviously not true) he also said that he would never pay or take responsibility for them. So I’m surprised hes sent anything but I think like I said he is feeling guilty because it’s Christmas.

OP posts:
Blanketed · 27/12/2019 00:37

Maybe he's thinking he'd like to start seeing them after all? Maybe he's grown up a little? Just say reply you did get his msg and see what happens.

sameasiteverwasantiques · 27/12/2019 00:38

Ffs don't reply to him! If he wanted to see the kids be would of said. A one off payment doesn't make him a saint! How come you haven't gone to CMS?

onemorerose · 27/12/2019 00:42

Maybe he’s gained some sense about the children. If he does want to see them and they want to see him you shouldn’t stand in the way. If he only wanted to give you cash and continue to have nothing to do with the children...well I’d still take the money

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/12/2019 00:43

Thank you sameasiteverwas bit shocked by the responses so far! I should point out the last time he saw them, he seen them ONCE after not seeing them for ages then disappeared again and that’s when he came out with all the “I don’t want to be a dad comments” and that I should only contact him if it’s an emergency. So I’ve never contacted him since. He really messed them up when he saw them once and disappeared so I wouldn’t let him see them again even if he “wanted to”.

I have been to cms but unfortunately he isn’t working or claiming benefits..... apparently! Hmm so nil assessment

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/12/2019 00:45

I’m not letting him see them again. He’s been in and out too long now and has never shown any consistency. I’ve given him many chances trust me this wouldn’t be the first.

OP posts:
sameasiteverwasantiques · 27/12/2019 00:47

Your definitely doing the right thing. If a person wants to see their kids then surely they would say instead of sending a poxy amount of money. It's a shame he isn't working, he could at least pay money regularly,

kazzer2867 · 27/12/2019 00:52

I am really shocked at these responses. He has not seen his children for 3 years and not paid a penny towards them. You now need to be grateful for the £200 pittance he has paid (works out to be 18p a day for the 3 years). I would not respond to this poor excuse of a 'optional father'.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 27/12/2019 00:53

Yeh I don’t think £200 is enough tbh, especially after years. It’s £50 each. He has had chance after chance believe me. He only ever wants to see them if me and him are getting on. He can’t separate me from them.

OP posts:
scotsllb · 27/12/2019 01:44

Op I agree with you. I wouldn't reply either. £200 for them all after this time? Wow wee. I would just ignore him and put it down to him feel guilty or something.
Either way I wouldn't even give him the satisfaction of thinking he has done some good or whatever he's decided it was in his mind

AgentJohnson · 27/12/2019 05:59

We can not read his mind, speculating is pointless. You can choose to acknowledge receipt of the money or not.

His intentions will become clear if you give him the opportunity but only you can decide if you want to give him the opportunity.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2019 06:07

I would ignore and if people ask I would say I was raised to believe if you cant say anything nice dont say anything at all

Jeleste · 27/12/2019 06:17

He sent you £200 for 4 kids after 3 years? No thanks! I wouldnt reply to him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/12/2019 06:27

IME he's probably got a new girlfriend who's encouraged him to get in contact

leolion81 · 27/12/2019 06:34

Definitely don't reply. He's trying to worm his way back in and thinks he can buy that opportunity.
Parents need to be consistent and as he hasn't been consistently in the children's lives he needs to stay out. Responding and giving him a way in will only lead to future disappointment for your kids.
I think people saying to respond, give him the chance to pay more etc haven't been in this situation or seen the damage they do. Stick to your guns and keep control.

poppy289 · 27/12/2019 06:37

As others have said I would reply and thank him for the money and take it from there. You don't have to let him see them unless you think he is serious about being in their lives. If he is then let him see them on a regular basis. If you don't then they might resent you in the future. It's tough as you will hate him for what he has done.

sameasiteverwasantiques · 27/12/2019 06:40

What are people getting that he hasn't asked to see the kids. He didn't even ask how they are!

NearlyOutedMyself · 27/12/2019 06:46

I wouldn't jump to reply either. I wonder if he's got a new partner and he's either trying to impress them or they've advised him to make contact?

Savingshoes · 27/12/2019 06:46

Wow, just wow.
After 3 years of almost nc, you're expected to just jump?
Facilitating a man swanning in and out of children's lives does nothing for them. Just a constant reminder that they come 2nd to what ever drama he feels is more important.
When they're adults, they'll be more than welcome to pin him down and listen to his sob story.
In answer to your question, why do they do this... I have no idea.
Perhaps it's a new years resolution to open old wounds.
Maybe someone is ill in his side of the family and it's got him questioning who will look after him when he's at that time of his life.
So many possibilities but the unlikely answer is that he's come to his senses and wants to apologise for wrecking his children's childhood and make amends.
Leave the message unanswered, he can go through the proper channels if he's really that concerned.

Starlight456 · 27/12/2019 06:48

The bar for dada on this site can be very low.

You have to give them chance after chance because one day they may grow up.

My ex rarely turned up to contact . I saw the damage it did to my Ds.

Oopsypoopsy2020 · 27/12/2019 06:50

Have you received the money? It’s an insulting amount after all this time! I wouldn’t respond to the message.

OhioOhioOhio · 27/12/2019 06:58

I wouldn't reply. My children have a nasty father too. I definitely wouldn't reply. However, definitely don't sign anything off re the CMS. Obviously he's not living off nothing and eventually, even if it's when he's deceased, his lies will catch up with him and his iou will get paid to you. The CMS are terrible for asking you to agree to 'facts' that you are not necessarily certain of. And if you do say that you agree then they don't have to investigate further. Make sure you refuse to agree until they can prove to you that what they are saying is true.

Stegosaurus1990 · 27/12/2019 07:15

I agree, don’t reply.

If he wants something, which it seems likely he does, he needs to come out and say it and not try and use money as a tool.

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