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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex texting. Is it guilt?

66 replies

PumpkinP · 26/12/2019 22:57

I have children with my ex who he doesn’t see. This is his choice and he has not bothered with them in 3 years. Hasn’t seen them in that time (or paid.) the last time we spoke he said he didn’t want to be a dad (because it’s optional Hmm) and that he won’t ever be, and that I should only contact him if it’s an emergency! Well obviously I have never contacted him since. Anyway he had the cheek to message me yesterday saying he has sent me £200. This is the first payment in over 3 years. I didn’t respond and he texted me later that evening to ask if I got his message. Why do they do this? Is it guilt? According to my sister it was “good” of him to give the money, I don’t see how it’s good of him, it’s something he should be doing. I haven’t responded and don’t intent to but wondering if I should?

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 27/12/2019 07:24

200 quid doesn't even scratch the surface of what he owes. It's insulting. I wouldnt know what to reply either op

Lex234 · 27/12/2019 07:42

I would reply with simply what is it that you want?

It has been 3 years since he has contributed financially, emotionally or in any way to his four children? So he sent them 5p a day each. It is kind of insulting he expects any response at all, but don't give him the satisfaction of saying he tried and you ignored him or that you got angry etc.

sue51 · 27/12/2019 07:46

After years of no contact and zero concern about his children, I would not reply. He can check his bank account to see if you have received the money. If it's not guilt then it bloody well should be.

dottydolly72 · 27/12/2019 07:47

I'd be livid if I'm honest, tell him you've got the money and to p*ss off. He made his choice!

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2019 07:49

Could you use the money or are you quite comfortable for money?

If the money is welcome then I'd reply. If not I'd ignore him. I get he is a total arse but if you need the money and don't reply he's the type to say 'well I would've sent you more money but I didn't know you'd receive it. Maybe he wouldn't have sent more but he might.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2019 07:56

Don’t let him back into your children’s lives, don’t thank him- tbh I’d probably send a message “is this a regular payment plan you’re setting up?”....

SubordinateThatClause · 27/12/2019 08:02

Is he on the birth certificates? If he is, then he has parental rights to see the children if he does decide he wants to. Unfortunately. Sounds like a selfish arsehole but as pps have said, he might have done some growing up.

Mintjulia · 27/12/2019 08:05

I’d text saying you have received the money. Don’t say anything else. Don’t show any emotion.

As to why, who knows. it’s Xmas, he might be on his own and hoping for a posterity bonk.
He might have developed a hint of conscience, he might be maturing into a decent human being.
Either way, put the £200 in an emergency fund somewhere and move on.

IdiotInDisguise · 27/12/2019 08:07

I would say he is older, is about to have or just had another baby and it is finally downing on him what an awful parent he has been.

He might be coming to his senses but that trick of appearing after a long time and disappearing straight away it is not something I would like to put my kids through again in exchange of CM, especially after coping on my own after so long, actually I would prefer no money to keep my peace in mind and avoid hurting the kids again!

Don’t reply, if he pays £200 towards every month for a year, start believing his intentions, but even if he does, don’t ever asume the money will keep coming because you know him well.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2019 08:19

Is it guilt? No. It's guilt tripping.
It's all about control. He, in his warped mind, wants you to feel like you owe him something for that money. Like a listening ear for his sob story about how he was all alone for Christmas boooooohoooo.

If it were me, I'd return it without a word. As a clear 'fuck off'. Don't let him sink his tendrils in.

But either way, don't reply. I can't believe how low some women's standards are saying that you should give him a chance. Fuck that noise.

sparklefarts · 27/12/2019 08:23

If you need the money I would text back asking when to expect the rest of what he owes you.

If you're comfortable and don't need it, then no way would I reply

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/12/2019 08:29

I’d reply with a “Yes. received.” So he has no excuse to keep bothering you.

And I’d go back to CMS just in case he now has a job.

Strongly suspect there is either a new baby on the way or a new girlfriend who is horrified or maybe he is just feeling lonely or guilty. He undoubtedly wants something - whether that is contact, absolution or gratitude I don’t know. But he needs to ask for it directly. And then you can decide if it is in your children’s interest.

If he wants contact I would start with indirect for a few months (ie he writes to them) and see if he keeps it up.

milliefiori · 27/12/2019 08:31

I wouldn't reply. Because I'd suspect he thinks £200 (a drip in the ocean of expense you've had, raising them for years alone) entitles him to buy some time with them. Until he gets bored again. It will mess them up. I'd keep the money and not reply.

If he pesters, you could reply something like 'That's one month's arrears out of X months you would have contributed towards their liveliehood if you had been a man worthy of being their father. If you want to establish contact, please set up a standing order that covers half of the monthly costs of raising them. If you keep this up for a year without dodging a month because it's a bit inconvenient or because you'ld rather spend the money on yourself, then I'll know you are serious enough and mature enough to risk allowing you into their lives.'
That might shut him up.

midep · 27/12/2019 08:31

He's an absolute disgrace, do not reply.

If he starts making noises about seeing the children again, use the £200 to get legal advice.

justilou1 · 27/12/2019 08:34

I wouldn’t be able to help myself, and would have to write something like “Does sending $50 each after ... years make the guilt go away, Superdad? What kind of response did you want?”

unmumsymumof2 · 27/12/2019 08:40

I can't believe the people who want you to reply to basically keep him sweet if you want any more money and think it's 'good of him' £200 for 4 kids in how many years?

I'd pretend it never happened and continue to never speak to him again.

Bank the £200 and use it for a treat day out for you all

2020theteendrink · 27/12/2019 08:40

Just a "money has been received in my account"

JoanBonJovi · 27/12/2019 08:43

If not accept any casually given money. He e we I’ll then claim he’s paid if you go through the proper means to make him pay

ChristmasFluff · 27/12/2019 11:39

I agree with you, OP, this is a derisory amount of money, and to reply would be opening both you and your children up to a world of pain.

The placators on this thread don't get the lack of empathy and decency required to abandon your children for 3 years. Who wants that sort of person in their children's life? He'll blatantly hurt them again, because whatever this is, he's doing it for his own purposes, not theirs. Maybe he needs to play 'good dad' in front of someone? Of course, whatever you do, you'll be 'crazy ex' who keeps his kids from him......

Stick to your guns, OP. You are right, there's no money on earth that could entice me to get my children involved in that sort of crap.

Notcoolmum · 27/12/2019 12:32

My ex is the same. Never received any maintenance in the 13 years we have been separated. He has seen he a handful of times over those years. Usually instigated by me when the children have asked over him. The last time must be 3 years ago. He was going to start sending money regularly and see them more often. Of course he just vanished again. It really impacted on my son that time who has really missed out on having a father. I wouldn't do it again. He got married without telling them. Wouldn't allow them to attend their grandfather's funeral. We only found out as a family member let us know he had passed.

You owe him nothing. Mine also has a nil assessment. Ridiculous.

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2019 13:01

I can't believe the people who want you to reply to basically keep him sweet if you want any more money and think it's 'good of him' £200 for 4 kids in how many years?

It isn't 'good of him', he's a total arse but £200 is better than nothing. My comment was to get the op to see the bigger picture and be strategic. A short reply might mean more money for the kids in the future.

Pinkbonbon · 27/12/2019 13:24

No amount if 'more money in the future' is worth letting a shithead back into your or your childrens' life though. Plus it would just setting yourself up to pander to him for the foreseeable future while be attempts to manipulate, umms awws and probably, ultimately ghosts again.

Gutterton · 27/12/2019 13:43

I bet he has a new girlfriend. He has pretended he is shit hit Dad. She might want to meet them so he has to butter you up with 4p per day per child .....!!!

Keep your DCs away from this loser - they don’t need the roller coaster of him abandoning them, broken promises on repeat.

They need a calm and peaceful home and a stable focused Mum. To ensure that I would block him.

Poorolddaddypig · 27/12/2019 13:54

I wouldn’t reply either

KatherineJaneway · 27/12/2019 14:20

No amount if 'more money in the future' is worth letting a shithead back into your or your childrens' life though

OP said: I’m not letting him see them again.

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