Ex texting. Is it guilt?

[PumpkinP]

I have children with my ex who he doesn’t see. This is his choice and he has not bothered with them in 3 years. Hasn’t seen them in that time (or paid.) the last time we spoke he said he didn’t want to be a dad (because it’s optional ) and that he won’t ever be, and that I should only contact him if it’s an emergency! Well obviously I have never contacted him since. Anyway he had the cheek to message me yesterday saying he has sent me £200. This is the first payment in over 3 years. I didn’t respond and he texted me later that evening to ask if I got his message. Why do they do this? Is it guilt? According to my sister it was “good” of him to give the money, I don’t see how it’s good of him, it’s something he should be doing. I haven’t responded and don’t intent to but wondering if I should?

My comment was to get the op to see the bigger picture and be strategic.

This man is dangerous, there’s nothing strategic about engaging with a dangerous man.

I'd ignore it. Or if he kept it up send him a medal emoji followed by a breakdown of how many pence per day per child it works out at.

Grandstanding prick.

Why is it considered okay for men to swan in and out of a kids life? If you abandoned them as a mother then tried to occasionally drop in, social services would have a field day!

I wouldn't reply. My DD's father hasn't paid a penny towards her since birth and has has no contact for 17 years, since she was five. If he had made a similar "gesture" I'd have ignored it.

kathrenejaneway
I wasn't replying to op, I was replying to a prior poster.

He will never grow up, he is in his 30s, he has had chance after chance, like I’ve said. We broke up just before I found out I was pregnant with the youngest. I went through the pregnancy and birth alone. He said he would come and see her when she was 5 days old and just never showed up. Literally no call, no message, nothing. He had messaged on and off throughout the years, he last saw them 6 months ago, that was the time he saw them once after 3 years and only once, he told me he wouldn’t be seeing them again. I was really angry with myself for letting him back in their lives for him to disappear again. I can’t allow that again. So I doubt he has grown up much in the last few months. He also messaged me happy birthday on my birthday in October I should point out. Yet he never messages on any of their birthdays.

Do I need the money? Well yes I suppose. I am not working as two of my older children have disabilities and I’m a carer for them making it impossible to work and I don’t get money for the youngest as she was born after the cut off for tax credits, but I know he would never give it as a regular thing, he has said he will never take responsibility for them, I would probably need to beg him every time I needed money.

Keep the money aside in case you need it or want to treat the kids. Don't ever rely on it being a regular thing. That way, if it happens again, great. If it doesn't you're not losing out.

I would also contact CSA or CMS or whatever it is these days to see if his circumstances have changed.

dont reply.

hes absolutely got a new girlfriend whos encouraging the contact!

I won’t be replying at all. I don’t think he has a new gf but I could be wrong ofcourse! I don’t think we would hear from him at all if he had a girlfriend as he has openly told me he doesn’t tell women he has children (says it all really) so I really don’t know what his game is. It’s funny how he told me to not contact him again unless it’s an emergency then he will “help” apparently (how kind of him ) but he can contact me when he feels like it, and I’m allowed to reply

It sounds like a narcissistic hoover with money to get you back in line for something.
He may have another woman and wants to ‘prove’ he is a good dad.

There needs to be a few more zeros on the end of that £200 for all those years he hasn’t bothered with his own children.

Personally I would not text him back. He sounds like a prick.🤬

I agree about the extra zeros! 200 is such a pathetic amount for 4 kids, it would be pathetic for one never mind four. I just don’t feel he deserves a response from the way he spoke to me last time we were in contact and the way he has treated the children. It’s like he wants the door to be open whenever he feels like having contact and I want him to know that this time it is closed and locked!

I'm petty and I would send a picture of my Xmas gifts or a new jacket in a store and say thanks for the treat!
Especially if I know I won't get a further penny.
I mean why would you think it was for the dc?... it's not like he's down any parenting in years

Stick to your guns OP and don't reply
You and your DCs don't need this no mark in any part of your life what so ever.
He's trying to do the typical manipulation and mind games.
Just ignore.

4p per child, per day. Big, fucking deal.

*Sorry - didn’t mean to post yet. If you feel that it’s not worth replying to, then absolutely don’t. You have put the hard yards in for all this time, and he has assuaged his guilt by dipping his toe in and out and fucking with the kids’ and your heads, making promises he had no intention of following through on.... Then the intention behind those promises was to make himself feel better in that moment only. YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.
You sound like you are doing the very best you can raising four kids (*salutes you and everyone else raising kids alone) and keeping them safe. It’s a fucking hard, frequently thankless task. I’m proud of you! (He is the epitome of feckless and is therefore wasting oxygen.)

Block his number. Then you won't have to hear from him again.

I wouldn't reply. He's a waste of space.