Told ex to go home and now I feel like shit.

[Organicmamahope]

Ex p invited himself to my new single house for dinner. I obliged as we share young DC's. However, Xmas day he contributed nothing. No presents, no help and repeated subtle criticism and put downs. I was expecting this so didn't let it get to me. But I think be enjoyed the coziness of my house, my new 49 inch TV and a ready supply of as food. However he is loud and controlling. By 9pm today with him lying on the sofa (admittedly doing nothing wrong) and the kids going wild, I just snapped and told him I needed my space and to go home. He kicked off a bit then said bye kids and left. We live 70 miles apart. Now I feel like a terrible witch and the kids are really upset with me. I've tried to cal him to apologize and say he can come back, but predictably he is blocking all my calls. Help, what can I do. I don't hate the man, but he irritates me a great deal. But he is the kids dad and they love him.

Well he can see the kids at his place. He is a CF and you owe him nothing, certainly not an apology. Be honest with the kids and don’t put up with any more of that crap from him.

He was a crappy guest, why were you calling to apologise??

You don’t have to tolerate his shit anymore!

You should have kicked him out earlier! Don't feel guilty.

Why on earth would you want him to come back? Make a cup of tea, go to bed, and do something fun tomorrow with your kids.

So, have I got this right?
Your ex came for Christmas Day, brought nothing with him, did nothing, and stayed overnight
Then you told him to go home today and now you feel you should apologise to him?

Why on earth did you let him stay ?! You've definitely not nothing to apologise for

Ffs put some boundaries in place and stop letting your EX "invite himself" into your life.

I assume part of the reason you split was because of him being "loud and controlling" so why the fuck would you still want that in your life?

He can 'still' (questionable) be a "great dad" to the kids without having to set a foot over your doorstep.

I dunno. I just feel shit that I suddenly asked him to leave, rather than him just deciding to go. It made me look like the bad guy. The kids started crying etc. I dunno. He wasn't being bad at that moment. Just lounging around and making the place feel 'icky'.

I think he still thinks we're in some quasi relationship (when it suits him).

He behaves badly.
You set a boundary.
He storms out and blocks communication.
You feel bad and want to apologise.

Is this a familiar pattern?

Have you heard of FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt? Its how abusive people control you. You are afraid of their reaction if you stand up to them, you feel obliged to accommodate them, they make you feel guilty as if you've done something wrong.

There's a reason he is an ex...

But you’re not in a relationship. He’s an ex. List all the reasons why in your head. He has no right to be slouching round your house. Inviting him was nice, but probably the wrong thing to do.

Don’t let him feel at home, it’s NOT his home, it’s yours. Not ideal telling him to shove off so abruptly, perhaps telling him in advance you wanted him gone by say 6 would have been better, but tough, it’s done. Next time, he can pick up the dc and take them to his place.

@TheInebriati that's very interesting. Yes that sounds plausible. I guess he is abusive. But it's so utterly subtle....

@Cherrysoup I did kind of keep hinting asking him what his plans were and when he was planning on going home. But he wouldn't say. I think it was a control thing (obviously he likes being around the kids too). I just see this house as my haven, and I really didn't want him all himself at home, as we already had to move from the family home and move the kids schools despite me being so happy there. Just to start a new life away from him. I survive on my own, and it just felt like my new space and life was being invaded, albeit temporarily. It's complicated as I still go back occasionally and visit friends amd stay in the family home, so I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

WTAF ?! OP get a grip.. he's abusing you STILL

@BumbleBeee69 it's more the kids I feel bad for. I basically just told their dad to feck off in front of them.

A control thing? Just stop letting him do this to you!! Woman up, set boundaries. Is the family home in your name? Is it getting sold?

and about bloomin time.. kids have survived way worse than this.. trust me... you don't need this ex turning up and abusing your hospitality just because of the kids.. there was no point in leaving then was there.. you did the right thing in telling him to leave..

He took the piss. He overstayed his welcome what time did he expect to go then? in the morning? He's still manipulating you. Dcs will get over it and tomorrow's another day. Enjoy your new home.

He's really not subtle. He rocks up, takes the piss until you've had enough and boot him out, then acts like the victim.
Stop acting guilty. You need to model good parenting and healthy relationships in front of your kids, not being an abusive arsehole and a doormat.

Thanks all. I'm calming down now. x

The kids will get over it. I'm sure they've seen and heard worse. Has he never told you to f... Off?

I think he called me a few choice words as he left. Leaving behind his Xmas present I bought him... (Only shower gel and body spray, but still).

Get a back bone. So the kids are upset. Tough. You’ve hosted a cock lodger for their benefit way too long. You let him in on Xmas day. He should have been gone after lunch. He contributed nothing. It’s game over. He doesn’t come again. Being a dad doesn’t give him the excuse to treat you like a twat and your hard earned house like a hotel. Who the fuck does he think he is? Where’s your pride? Where’s your self esteem? Start standing up for yourself and drawling lines in the sand. You asked him to leave? Good. Your kids saw that? Good. Maybe they won’t grow up treating you like crap then if they know you won’t stand for it.

Relax OP and enjoy your Boxing day evening...