Told ex to go home and now I feel like shit.

[Organicmamahope]

Ex p invited himself to my new single house for dinner. I obliged as we share young DC's. However, Xmas day he contributed nothing. No presents, no help and repeated subtle criticism and put downs. I was expecting this so didn't let it get to me. But I think be enjoyed the coziness of my house, my new 49 inch TV and a ready supply of as food. However he is loud and controlling. By 9pm today with him lying on the sofa (admittedly doing nothing wrong) and the kids going wild, I just snapped and told him I needed my space and to go home. He kicked off a bit then said bye kids and left. We live 70 miles apart. Now I feel like a terrible witch and the kids are really upset with me. I've tried to cal him to apologize and say he can come back, but predictably he is blocking all my calls. Help, what can I do. I don't hate the man, but he irritates me a great deal. But he is the kids dad and they love him.

He guilt tripped me by saying he didn't want to be home alone at Xmas.
Well, he should have tried harder to be nice enough to someone that they wanted to stay in a relationship with him. Hardly your fault he didn’t.

You can probably use your phone as a remote control. How about a new years resolution: ex does not cross the threshold into your home?

The unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling you have is from the growth of your spine. Lean into the initial discomfort and unease and you will see the massive benefits it will bring to your life, not just with your ex, but with anyone who tries to take unfair advantage of you. As women we are taught to be "nice" and obliging and to put others needs before our own. It is not easy to unlearn this, but you have taken a step in the right direction. Your children do not need the example of your ex, putting you down, doing fuck-all, taking, taking, taking, manipulating... That is not healthy for you or the kids. Really try to keep it up. You absolutely did the right thing by asking him to leave. Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself and setting a good example for your children. Have a pleasant day, and continue to let your spine grow!

Ah so not only doesn't give his kids anything, he steals from them too?

Father of the year award right there.

So, he came to your home totally empty handed (not even gifts for his children?!), enjoyed your home, ate your food whilst making snide remarks to you then proceeded to totally outstay his welcome (which he would have been aware he was doing) and laze on your sofa all day while you presumably ran around cleaning and looking after the kids, you tell him to leave and you feel guilty?

Honestly, stop that right now! What did he do to make Christmas an enjoyable experience? Fuck all. And you feel like the bad parent?

You have tried. You have tried really hard. Do not apologise for your reaction to his shitty behaviour. Yea maybe the kids were a bit upset, but it would be worse for them to see you just taking endless shit and not stand up for yourself

Sounds like the plot from a Judith Kerr book.

What a dickhead.

He should feel bad about his life. He has done bad things. Feeling bad is the correct feeling for him. You should swallow down any guilt at him feeling bad - never act on it.

You'll have done this many times with children, so channel that way of holding back your understandable but unhelpful emotions. It's like when your children are naughty, you have to discipline them so you do it but you feel horrible about being the bad guy and them crying on the naughty step. You don't show it though do you? So, you can choose to react the same way to ex's guilt tripping: let him feel bad, hide your guilt, strict exterior is what's needed.

Great post @Wereallsquare

OP - I think you need to reread the Programme. What you did was great. You kicked him out for abusing your hospitality and treating you like shit. You don't deserve that and neither do your children.

And your children are crying because he is emotionally manipulating them too. Don't let him do that.

The more you say no to him, the easier it will be. But he will keep on testing your boundaries because that's the pattern you have got into.
You can't change him but you can change the way you respond to him. Next time he tries to make you feel guilty, stop and think: Is this what I want?

And if the answer is no, then that's fine. Don't be railroaded, take your time.

Lots of TVs can be controlled from a mobile phone. Universal remote controls are widely available too. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you are pissed off about the remote. Wind ups only pay off if the victim lets themselves be wound up, so don't react, as I often tell my squabbling children.

Well done for actually getting to the stage you are - in your own home, many miles away from this horrible man.
This visit ended a bit badly because of him being a jerk, so don't let him invite himself again.
Stop staying in the ex-family home when you visit friends.
Make sure ex is aware that you are in no sort of relationship at all, other than arranging contact with the kids.
Protect yourself and your kids from this unpleasant person.

Don’t feel bad. You did the right thing. He’s a lazy feckless arse who didn’t show you any gratitude at all for graciously allowing him to see the children. No presents for them FFS. Even the pound shop would have done if he was skint. Horrible man.

Yeah the kids were upset but only because they didn’t understand. When they are older they will understand as you will tell them one day why you split up with their dad.

Op you tried to be nice. He took advantage, please don’t allow him to do that again.
He invites himself, brings nothing, criticises, invades your personal space and lounges around. Really. And then HE is put out when you tell him to leave.he is angry because you took control and he didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Let the new year be about you and changing the current dynamic. You have done so well to move away and rebuild your life, do not let him anywhere near it again. Next year is about you.

He doesn't sound like an ex tbh. People I know with ex's have separate lives and don't cozy up for christmas. Sounds like you want him back, you handed it to him on a plate literally.

It's your house. Don't feel bad. Sit the kids down and remind them you guys arent together and that their dad is welcome to pick you up and take you put or to his whenever they want (if you're ok with that).

No presents on Christmas is very rude by the way.

In future when you go back to your old area stay with a friend or get yourself an air bnb if possible. Otherwise just do a day trip.

Have been to Tesco to buy a universal remote. Thanks to the poster up thread. Hope it works. Going to have lovely salmon chips and salad for dinner and stick a film on... Sans ex. 2020 is about us!

And when he starts bleating on about being alone for Christmas 2020, you can calmly suggest that he has a little think about why he's alone. Not your circus, not your monkeys.