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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Told ex to go home and now I feel like shit.

66 replies

Organicmamahope · 26/12/2019 21:57

Ex p invited himself to my new single house for dinner. I obliged as we share young DC's. However, Xmas day he contributed nothing. No presents, no help and repeated subtle criticism and put downs. I was expecting this so didn't let it get to me. But I think be enjoyed the coziness of my house, my new 49 inch TV and a ready supply of as food. However he is loud and controlling. By 9pm today with him lying on the sofa (admittedly doing nothing wrong) and the kids going wild, I just snapped and told him I needed my space and to go home. He kicked off a bit then said bye kids and left. We live 70 miles apart. Now I feel like a terrible witch and the kids are really upset with me. I've tried to cal him to apologize and say he can come back, but predictably he is blocking all my calls. Help, what can I do. I don't hate the man, but he irritates me a great deal. But he is the kids dad and they love him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 27/12/2019 09:41

Ew feeling renewed crapness this morning. Feeling depressed. How do I move on?

OP posts:

moglovesmincepies · 27/12/2019 09:44

You just do.
He chose to behave like that knowing that you'd reach a limit and snap. He chose to make you look bad in front of the kids.
It is his fault, not yours.
Now bang a film on your nice new telly and cuddle with the kids, eat chicks and put him out of your mind.

DeeZastris · 27/12/2019 09:48

He’s a lazy, selfish, controlling arse and you did the right thing.

Weffiepops · 27/12/2019 09:49

He's abusive, you should have asked him to go sooner.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/12/2019 09:51

You are still letting him abuse you - and it's far from subtle. You owe him NOTHING, OP, certainly not your hospitality and a catered Christmas! keep the cocklodger out of your home and ffs don't apologise, you've nothing to apologise for.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 27/12/2019 09:56

Oh and don't stay at the former family home when you visit friends etc; arrange to stay with them, or have them come to you. You're sending mixed messages to your ex by staying there, that's why he think you're in a quasi relationship. Are you still having sex with him? If so, stop it!

MollyButton · 27/12/2019 09:56

He shouldn't be in your home.
It will be much less distressing for the children if there are clear boundaries, including he doesn't come into your home. It is a sanctuary from him.
You are allowed to get fed up. He probably was adding to their hyperness. You showed your children you are human - which is not a bad thing.

I hope you didn't ask him to come back - that would have been a big mistake.

If he wants to see the kids he can take them out/to his place.

MurrayTheMonk · 27/12/2019 10:11

I understand how you feel op. It's easy to see logically that you should feel bad-you've gone above and beyond-but you want to make Christmas great for the kids-and not have them feel that your relationship break down affects them in any way.

I've spent the last three Christmas's with my ex h-at my house. Great for the kids. Not so great for me. My MH has taken a dive after each and every one. This year exh was pretty horrible to me and his behaviour towards me hasn't been great. So I called time on it this year. I was actually invited to his with the kids (he has moved to a bigger house) but I said no. He had the dc-as it was my choice not to go.
I couldn't have done it this year.
The girls were a bit upset and I felt-feel-incredibly guilty. And Christmas sucked a bit for me not having them.
But at least I'm won't spend January in a dark hole MH wise...

I'm not sure which is worse really-but the reality of being divorced at Christmas means it's going to suck for someone I guess...

Anyway none of that helps you except to say that I totally get why you told him to go, and agree with other PP that you don't need to feel guilty-but can also empathise with why you do.

BaolFan · 27/12/2019 10:26

I think you've tried to do something nice for the kids - and I applaud you for it. But things like this only ever work if both parties are respectful of each other. It's always going to fail if your Ex is a selfish shit who thinks that the world revolves around him.

He thinks you are still in a quasi relationship because you are sending mixed signals. He doesn't get to invite himself round. He doesn't get to come to your Xmas dinner empty handed and criticise things. He certainly doesn't get to lay around on your sofa - FFS who does he think he is?!

Boundaries are what's needed. Don't invite him round. Don't hint. Don't get involved. You can facilitate his relationship with the kids by ensuring that they are available to see him - that's it. The rest is down to him.

Musti · 27/12/2019 10:26

Your ex sounds like a toxic idiot. Don't invite him ever again and keep things between you strictly to do with practical things concerning the kids.

category12 · 27/12/2019 10:27

If you're going to have him in your home, you need to establish boundaries.

So, you say "you can arrive at x time, and leaving time is y. Bring [such and such]. I'll cook, you [take the kids out to the park for an hour/wash up/whatever]." And if he messes about or doesn't hold up his end, he goes home.

You'd really be better off not having him in your house tho.

MzHz · 27/12/2019 10:34

Laying around on your sofa?

Talk about marking territory! He couldn’t be more clear than if he pissed on your door frames

He can hint all he likes, he can invite himself all he likes, but your home is sacred and your kids can spend Christmas at HIS house

You bought the twat a gift? And he bought fuck all and turned up empty handed and did nothing to help all the time he Was there?

He never darkens your door again!

Back bone love!

Clymene · 27/12/2019 10:51

Have you considered doing the Freedom programme?

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 27/12/2019 11:12

Yes I've read the freedom program book online.

He guilt tripped me by saying he didn't want to be home alone at Xmas.

Thanks for these replies. They are making me feel way less shitty.

OP posts:

category12 · 27/12/2019 11:16

He's not your responsibility.

The whole point of breaking up is he doesn't get to lounge around on your sofa as he pleases.

category12 · 27/12/2019 11:18

Perhaps doing the freedom programme in person would be more helpful.

ChristmasSweet · 27/12/2019 11:19

He doesn't like being around the kids, he likes you being his personal servant while he lies back and does nothing. If he liked being around the kids, he'd have brought them presents, played with them, helped out more.

The sooner you realise this, the better.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/12/2019 11:21

It's your house - don't have him there if you don't want to. He can see the kids at his place. My ex husband doesn't even step into the hallway when he does pick ups.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/12/2019 11:26

Well done for getting him to leave

He is treating your haven as his own.

He can have the kids at his place.

The kids fain nothing from seeing their dad disrespecting their mum in her own house

Your instinct to ask him leave was a good one. Stay strong. Protect your boundaries

Don't call him. Don't give him power. He blocked you? Whatever. Ignore

Kittykat93 · 27/12/2019 11:30

Next year don't host him. He's not your problem now.

Original poster

Organicmamahope · 27/12/2019 11:30

Shit, I think the bastard may have taken the TV remote with him. Mallicious twunt.

OP posts:

MzHz · 27/12/2019 11:31

Block him back and make HIM sweat!

Buy yourself a bit of peace until the new year.

He’s alone at Christmas because he’s an abusive prick... hardly rocket science eh :)

Any NORMAL person would have been extremely grateful, offering to bring things, food, drink, a gift for you AND they’d have helped.

Not him... he just ADDED to the workload

Don’t you EVER allow him in your home again for any reason, he’s blown it, totally lost all privileges

You absolutely need to do the FP in person

(I’ve done it)

Even in person it’s not the magic bullet you need it to be, but it’s way more effective than just reading the book/online course

This guy STILL has control over you, he’s been a prick and YOU are scared and anxious that you’ve upset him!

MzHz · 27/12/2019 11:32

Check the sofas

But google an all for one and don’t rise to it

midep · 27/12/2019 11:35

Did he actually not buy his children any Christmas presents?

MurrayTheMonk · 27/12/2019 11:39

Don't give him the pleasure of asking for it back if he has. They sell universal remotes at big Tesco....

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