Twunt paints me into a corner

[ErrmWTAF]

So, twunt has DS(9) for both Yule and Crimbo this year (he's Pagan, I'm mainly just atheist). He fought for this in Court, and got it, mainly because I had DS last year, so that's "fair" (we haven't concluded custody arrangements, but it's probably going to be 90% me). Btw, for context, he's also paying almost no CMS - £6/week.

Last year, btw, DS and I were living in a woman's shelter after years of mental, emotional and, above all, financial abuse. I was still settling down in my Universal Credits, so not exactly rolling in the dosh, but by dint of eBay, charity shops, FB selling pages and some lovely donations via the shelter, I managed to give DS a great Yule and Christmas. Father Odin gave him something, inexpensive, but meaningful. Mummy gave him some presents, mainly practical, and Father Christmas absolutely showered him, mainly with fun stuff.

Sideline: that year, DS and I made a quick trip back to our previous town, to give Dad a visit, and see some (allegedly mutual) friends, every one of whom gave DS gifts of almost no value (contrast to previous years), or gifts that had his name and theirs scribbled all over the boxes, which they'd never done before. It took me a while to figure out; they thought I'd either pawn the presents or re-mark them as being from FrO or FrC or even me.

This year, as twunt has DS for both Yule and Christmas, he's in charge of "the bearded guys" presents, just like I was last year. Fair, right? DS and I are going to have our turkey and do our presents to each other when I get him back in a few days' time - this was agreed in advance, and every conversation I had with DS was based on this.

So, imagine my shock and dismay when I got an email from twunt LAST NIGHT to the effect that FrO got DS a little something, FrC only one or two things, but that's ok, because he told DS that FrC will be leaving more presents for him at my home.

WTAF?!? So, with almost no notice, and knowing how little I have to spend, twunt has put me in a position where I have to either:

1. spend money I don't have buying DS more presents, or changing the tags from my presents to him, or

1. telling DS something I didn't want to do yet about the bearded guys - I know he's 9, but I wanted him to be the one to lead this conversation, esp after all he's been through last couple of years, or

1. out&out calling Dad a liar.

I dunno, got a fourth option? Because I'm still flabbergasted and confused.

Sorry, I tried putting paragraphs in.

I have no clue what you’re rambling on about.
Why 2 sets of presents and twunt?
Sore head reading that 🙄

I don't see how any of this is a problem.

He's got gifts at his dad's house, and dad has told him that there will be more when he comes home to you.

Fairly standard surely? And, since there are gifts at your house, he's right.

What am I missing?

Are you on the sniff?

Absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. Sorry

He's told DS that FrC is leaving more presents at my house. This was not what was agreed: with no notice or prior discussion he single-handedly decided to make me responsible for FrC presents and knows I can't afford to buy more.

I’d do a combination of 2 & 3, presumably he has an inkling Santa isn’t real.

What I would not do is run around buying extra gifts from Santa for your DS at this point as you cannot afford theme

Your ex is trying to get a rise out of you. Ignore his texts.

Quite surprised pp couldn’t understand your O

It's not that hard to understand.

Last year OP had her son for Yule and Christmas so provided all the presents in very difficult circumstances.

This year OP's ex has their son but has only provided the Yule presents. He's told their son that Father Christmas has left Christmas presents with the OP. The OP feels manipulated: the ex hasn't been fair, OP has to provide presents or confess to young son who still believes in FC that FC doesn't exist.

Thanks, frazzled. I need to remember that last bit in particular.

Id do a combination of 1 and 3. Split the presents you do have between you and FC. Tell your son that you and Daddy had told FC that he would be at his dad's but perhaps FC didn't get the message; he's only left a few gifts with you.

Hopefully it's just this year - by next Christmas or the one after your son won't believe in FC, and you'll just be left with finding a child-friendly way to be honest about his dad.

Ooh hats tough OP. That's really unfair of your ex. Did you discuss who would be buying what beforehand and from whom? It sounded like neither of your communicated effectively to the other who would be doing what this year.

Not helpful I know, and it is unfair of your ex. Tell DS this year that Mummy couldn't afford a lot so Father Christmas only brought a few items.

Change some of the labels on your presents from you to fc. And then enjoy the rest of your xmas. DS will be fine.
Your ex would be so happy if he knew you were upset.

You would be better telling DS that mum buys the presents and sends them to Father Christmas to deliver.

He's a glorified postman in our house.

This explains why some kids get ipads and some kids get jigsaws.

I don't understand why you'd have to get a whole other set of presents when you already have presents for him.

Oh dear, looks like some of you are feeling a bit tender after yesterday's festivities.

OP, it makes perfect sense.

Your ex is using this to continue his abuse of you. Personally, I would feign ignorance to your son. You have already told him the plans so stick to them. If that means calling the ex a liar then so be it.

"You would be better telling DS that mum buys the presents and sends them to Father Christmas to deliver."

This is why I didn't understand your difficulty op. In our house, the presents all have labels from the giver. There are none labelled 'from Santa'. As pp have said, just change a couple of tags. At 9, your ds will already have an inkling about the true situation anyway.

I think it’s time to have an age appropriate conversation about his father’s manipulative tactics. I’m sure he’s been subject to hearing a lot of shite about his mum and instead of worrying about Father Christmas being real, you need to worry about emotional abuse he’s subject to while with his father and how you can arm him with mental tools to fend for himself

You would be better telling DS that mum buys the presents and sends them to Father Christmas to deliver

I do that, much easier.

Tbh I wouldn't do anything, send an email back saying nothing you.. soz. can do after the bairn gets back. He's just trying to yank a string so you'll think of them and have a shit day.

Really?

Most people I know tell their kids the presents are from them or grandparents or whoever and delivered by santa.

Do you really pretend you dont buy the presents and that they are not from you?

Good point, Daisy. I've been trying to undo his effects after every visit. It's a marathon not a sprint, I keep telling myself.

gamerchick and others - yes, that's the way we've done it. Right or wrong, this is not the year to change formats, is it.

The change the tags.

Honestly, I get the frustration at ec being a dick.

But ds would be confused anyway, that usually Santa provides his presents. But this year his mum bought him some. Surely, that would leave him thinking that santa only delivered presents to his dad. Leaving the parent who has him at Christmas having to provide the same level of Christmas presents as there were when the parents were together.

I am not with my kids dad. I dont spend the same amount on the kids as we did when we were a couple. We spend the same between us.

Soen, sorry, but I have to disagree - we communicated plenty, including agreeing that since he has DS for both those days, he's in charge of the bearded guys' presents, just like I was last year. He has unilaterally reneged on this agreement.

But I do agree with your assertion that this sucks.

FC only comes overnight and leaves presents on Christmas Day. Ergo as your son was at Ex's, that's where FC left them.
I'd just leave it at that.

He's totally done it to get at you!!!

I would just tell DS that you have no idea why Ex is making it up, but he has some lovely gifts from you/others to open to let's go do it. Just do a very puzzled face and you can always ask DS "why do you think Dad told you that?" His response will likely be telling!

I would be very unlikely that
A. DS doesn't have doubts over FC anyway
B. He hasn't started to get the measure of his Dad playing manipulative games

Thanks Random and Ariela - presents from FrC have always been delivered Christmas Eve/morning at the house where the child is, and we never agreed to say/do otherwise. DS even took his little "Santa stop here" sign (with the spinny thing that changes from "nice" to "naughty (but I can explain)" ) that we got from Poundland last year.