Very very long - whether to pursue this relationship.

[bougainvillaeax]

This is far too long - two posts long - so no worries if it will be not read but I just need it out of my mind and on paper and if anyone can skim or get through it any help would be greatly appreciated. My main questions are summarised in bold at the end of the second post but also bolded in this one.

In brief I am in my thirties and have not been in a relationship before/do not have experience in the bedroom etc so regarding both parts, don't know how to interpret the man's behaviour. On a thread I posted in 90 days a few months ago that I will mention further down, a couple of people thought I had ASD so bear that in mind as a possibility if there is something different about the way I am writing this, but equally maybe I am not writing differently from most other people.

There are a few things I don’t understand. I have been going over this in my head for so long I almost feel disassociated from it. Basically I have known this man about a year and there is a lot of conflicting info and I am confused.

He is early to mid forties.

Earlier thread - he works at a kind of tourism institution I frequented as a visitor. He would heavily flirt with me and in seemingly a meaningful way, divulging all his self criticisms, biography, fears, achievements etc. He also was nervous around me. He also did a few weird things - if I said something objectively neutral he would immediately interpret it as criticism and I would get this look that would kind of shut me down talking or giving opinions, so towards the end of us interacting I was pretty much watching myself to make sure I said agreeable things. Through all this it was clear he was romantically interested in me but after suggesting we continue to chat after the institution closed one evening which I couldn’t agree to because of where I had to be that night, he never asked me out. In the end I gave him my email address and he didn’t contact me, which is when I posted the thread in relationships about 8 months ago, I will link at the bottom of this post.

I returned about a month later and things got weird. I posted in 90 days about this, about 6 months ago, and still have a copy of my original post but not the rest of the thread. He works day shift with lots of people around and rarely nights with just one other person. Firstly there was one incident where I was explaining something to his coworker who I know - something detailed about land deeds that was taking me a couple of minutes to explain - he literally just cut in, like an embarrassed parent, and summarised (wrongly and in a facile incorrect way and a contemptuous voice) what I was saying with ‘she means ’ - I pretended he was right and it was ok but it sort of shocked me as people don’t speak to me like that. After the night shift had ended, to be brief, he started off saying he didn't email me because he had very recently got out of a relationship through work and absolutely would not consider risking his job. I asked what the previous six months had been about and he said, thats just my outgoing personality that you misinterpreted. I was clearly baffled and it eventually emerged he was recording the conversation, because - I’m close friends with a woman higher up in the institution than he is, and he thought I had been sent by her and other women in the institution to set him up and get him fired, that evening. when he established this was not the case, he said that i’d once observed he was cynical, and he was cynical about relationships as well as everything else, but when I suggested we meet to have a conversation about it he gave me his email address - I said look I won't email you if you don't want me to and he told me, if I trusted him and knew him like I said I did, I would email him. I posted in 90 days something like ‘help me understand this man’ and the general consensus was WTF was wrong with me, I needed help understanding myself and why I would put up with this, that is also where two or three people thought I might have ASD.

I didn't email him, but I returned to the institution a couple of weeks later again for a night event. I didn't know he would be there but if I am honest was half hoping he would be. I ended up going for a drink with him and his friend who is his colleague somewhere else and happened to be visiting, and there, he was flirting with the waitress, linking random events conspiratorially (my friend quit the institution for totally unrelated reasons and he though this had something to do with something else that’d happened), he told a story about a woman in the place he works with the friend we were having a drink with, who asked him to move out of a room so she could show some VIPs her work and he talked about writing an article publicising the artists but taking pleasure leaving her out as revenge, he said about her ‘fuck you bitch’ when telling the story; he talked with a kind of reverence about his sister, talking about how she is gay and hates men, and is the scientist in the family (he was sort of showing off about her job) so he can’t compete but will outdo her by having children, and that he was ‘looking for a womb’, at which point his friend asked ‘is that why you go on all these dates’. The men had had two beers each and I had a 1.99 lemonade, and when the waitress came round at the end from the silence it was clear we were splitting the bill, so I paid for my lemonade and then he asked his friend to pay for his beers as he was late making rent. As we left, he said women are manipulators, I said do you think I am a manipulator, he said no, I think I said something that vaguely challenged him then he said he did not want to risk pursuing anything with me as he was involved in a ‘major high profile human rights court case against a former employer’ (the implication I guess being we’d met through the institution and that wouldn't reflect well on him). I just left.

I was not emotionally over it but my head was over it at this point. A couple of weeks later, very randomly, I met someone the night before who also works at this place and gave me the opportunity to attend the only thing I hadn’t yet been able to attend at this place, which happens very late at night after most other events had wrapped up. I really love the institution and know i’d never get the chance again so agreed in principle, knowing I could more or less avoid the part he was working in. I will say I knew he had a shift that night as he’d said the last time I saw him. I turned up and had a great night, but by chance he saw me coming in, and I was all dressed up (first time he would have seen me like that) as I came straight from an important event. I did not go over to his area, but after he had finished he came and found me talking to my friends, and kept coming to talk to me even though I tried to end the conversation a few times and would walk away from him each time. He even said ‘I enjoyed that drink we had last week’ (!) eventually he left because he had to get public transport as his car had broken down, and I just decided to move on and the next week moved hundreds of miles away and more or less processed it and got over it.

At this point I found out from my friend that she thinks he had got fired from a previous job five years ago for I think ‘an inappropriate relationship’. We know the person had the same unusual first name as him, and also that he used to work there, but can’t be sure about that. (This isn’t the employer he’s suing).

Three months later I had to be back in the original town for just one day. For whatever reason, I ended up emailing him and we met up that evening and had dinner and spent the night. Coincidentally I found out from him that evening that the week prior he had contacted my friend, who he used to work with (and suspected of the conspiracy!) and told her to tell me to email him, but I hadn't been in contact with her that week. So, during dinner, there were a lot of things I did like as I was able to properly talk about myself for the first time since knowing him, but a couple of things I didn’t like; I was mentioning height as it pertained to how people think about themselves with reference to a historical figure, and separately mentioned wanting to visit an industrial town for research reasons, and, and he is on the short side for a male in his country, he said ‘why don’t you go to [that town], then you can hang out with all these construction workers, all these nice tall construction workers, and you can go out with them’, said kind of viciously. I was kind of surprised as I am also short and don't give it a second thought, so just brushed it aside. One other thing I wasn’t sure about was in the booth he was like mid way round our semicircular booth with just us in it and I was closer to one side, and three times he told me to get up so he could use the loo, but he could have left the booth the other side it would have been more or less the same distance. Of course that meant every time he came back I had to slide to the end and stand up once again to let him back in. The last time this happened he slid in and brushed ‘himself’ against the back of me, my bottom, if you know what I mean, as he went into the booth, and simultaneously gave me this deep invasive smile like he has done (the smile part) a couple of times before. I have to place this into context as though I am in my thirties I have not really been out with anyone and though I have kissed people have not done much more so I don't know what is normal. It might have been my fault as after I found out he had contacted my friend to try and get me to contact him (he claims he lost my email address), I became more comfortable in the situation and my knee was occasionally touching his of my own volition before he left the booth the last time, or maybe I was standing in such a way that he didn't have room to get in and he thought I meant him to do that. He insisted on paying for the meal, which I know was difficult for him as he literally lives on the breadline.
The other thing that happened was he revealed he has a tumour in his brain that he was diagnosed with a few years ago, and another tumour was removed from elsewhere. I think it is stable although he had treatment to shrink the one in the brain. He also told me about this big court case and he is suing an old employer.

He asked me if I wanted to go back to his house, he asked me before he came back into the booth that last time, but I had said yes, and did feel ok about that still. It sounds naive but I thought we might keep talking. I knew something else might be on the cards but in retrospect it was hard to quantify what that would be if such a thing hasn’t happened before. Anyway, he wanted me to follow his car with my car and was a little put out that I wanted to use my sat nav but anyway I got there by myself. He showed me around the place and showed me some of his artistic work in the spare room. He started talking nervously about the artistic meaning of his work but when I crouched down to get a closer look at it he told me ‘that’s enough critical analysis’ and I felt I had to stand up and we left the room. He made a point of telling me he was locking the door, and I joked was that to keep me from getting out or to stop other people getting in, but it all felt like kind of a rehearsed routine in retrospect; he had his dumbbells out in the living room which seemed staged but I don't know. Because of something I asked him he ended up telling me his dad was an alcoholic who was jealous of him since childhood and never kind to him, and his father used to destroy the house, so he bulked up as a teenager to restrain his father, and he hadn’t had contact with him in a decade. I said that’s got to do a person some damage and he said yes, it made him emotionally unavailable enough to record a conversation, referring to that time. I asked him about his other artistic work, not just his ‘best’ stuff that he showed me, which was to the right of the sofa, and he refused to show me any of it and said he was tired of discussing it. Anyway he kissed me on the sofa, and this is where I am a little confused too and possibly tmi. As it was my first sexual experience beyond kissing, I am not sure what is normal etc. I guess the word is french kissing, his tongue was in my mouth a lot almost immediately and quite deep and strong, and he used his hands a lot, so was squeezing me a lot all over. I have to admit I had a moment - it was very quick, like seconds, from him starting to kiss me to being on top of me - where I suddenly realised how big and strong he was (he is not short relative to me) and I thought ‘I’m in real trouble’ and had the thought he was going to rape me because he was escalating things so quickly and was so strong, but when I stopped things a couple of times and made a half hearted joke about ‘are these your moves’ he was quite happy to pause, but as time went on I supposed I became turned on by what he was doing, and this is where I am confused: I am not sure whether it was him who was actually turning me on or what he was doing, if that makes any sense at all? The thing that unnerved me a bit is he never seemed in the least out of control, or out of breath - he was his same very composed self at all points throughout. At one point when we were taking a pause, he told me he hadn’t had sex in 6 years since his last relationship ended, when I asked why, he said because it wasn’t an important thing to prioritise after he recovered from his tumour treatment 5 years ago. I told him I hadn't done it before, and he said because I was leaving tomorrow it wasn’t a good idea, and I said I agreed. I asked him about his friend saying he went on all these dates, but he said because he was ‘ill and wanted kids, he was kind of choosy’. Because he was squeezing quite hard and also (tmi) smacking, I asked him (genuinely) if he was a sadist but he found that funny and said of course not. He asked why and I said it was because he was strong, he said ‘you’re weak’ quite defensively. Anyway like I say this is tmI but he lifted my top up and did stuff, then put it back down, at this point I was sitting on his lap, but somehow we got to him lying off to the side of me on the sofa again and I said something about preferring him to be on top of me, and he said well he would like to take my top off, and it sounds silly but because he had already lifted it up, I didn’t feel I could say no right at that point so I took it off. Also he told me to take his shirt off, he just kind of told me, so I did. I noticed something on his shirt was also written on a piece of art in the room, and he was really pleased about that, the fact that I'd noticed, but it felt almost like a parent being pleased, and like I had passed some kind of test.

Contd in next post:

Here’s what feels like an important thing - at that point he said - ‘can we forget everything that happened before this moment’ (meaning the recording the conversation and all that I guess) and I said smiling ‘ok let’s shake on it’ he said ‘we don’t need to shake on it. Can we forget it’ quite seriously. I said ‘ok’.

We kissed and things a bit more and then he went to the loo, and told me to go to the bedroom, which I did, and he got into bed and his trousers were already off so he was just in his y fronts.
He starting the kissing and squeezing again and took off my trousers and gave me oral sex. Then he kind of was humping me with his pants on and looking at me with this grin while he was doing it - like I say he kept this cool composure throughout everything and I wondered is this normal I mean that invasive smile?

But overall I was fine with what was happening, and he was mostly very careful to get my consent at each stage, either by looking at me to check as he started to do something, or a couple of times overtly asking me, and when he went very slightly too far a couple of times I said and he immediately apologised. And what really really took me by surprise is how loving he physically was after that stuff - we spent all night wrapped up in each other and him giving me little kisses in more of a loving than sexual way on my shoulders for example, and he was enjoying things like the different sizes of our hands - just the way he held me felt like pure love. I wondered whether this is commonplace and would I feel it from anyone else holding me?
We hardly got any sleep as we spent all night cuddling. One thing that also bothered me though was he went to the loo in the night and when he came back I had turned on my side with my back to him and he brought me to him in that lovely way but then really swiftly squeezed my chest area and touched me down there, and said ‘sorry, it's not often I have an attractive woman in my bed’ so I wondered whether the loving part was actually just maybe part of a routine. I thought it was sweet that he was self deprecating about his body and said he used to be overweight and that it was good we wouldn’t take a shower together as I wouldn’t want to see his saggy bum, which apparently used to be in great shape before he became ill as he was very sporty. But at one point when I was leaning on him and I asked him should I move, he said ‘it’s ok you’re not that heavy’ (I’m short and about a size UK 8).

As for all the gestures that seemed physically loving I wondered is this just what he did with the ex 6 years ago? Because he doesn’t really know me (I’ll say more about this later but he has basically asked me 3 questions over the course of a year to the many I’ve asked him) - but maybe men fall for women on a different basis than vice versa? And the next morning we had a lovely chat and cuddle - it’s like I could see the real relaxed him I had only seen glimpses of prior - but then when he got up to have a shower, he came back in to get his hair tie (he has long hair) and was kind of rude and sarcastic about how he would be in real trouble if he couldn’t find it I think implying I was lazy not to get up and help him look for it but he never said any of this outright.

He had asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him but I declined - I didn’t say this, but it just felt far too emotionally intimate. He spent a half hour in the shower and when he got out in his underpants, I was already dressed and up, and he told me he had shaved. He seemed off with me.

He got dressed and when he came back I had been to the loo and came out and he told me off in a kind of contemptuous way ‘that’s not how we flush here. We hold the flush down till the water stops running’ a lot of stuff he says with this kind of like half-smile or grimace on his face like its contemptuous or sarcastic or something, he did this when I was getting to know him earlier in the year too. He was still ‘off’ with me - I think he drew attention to the fact he’d shaved again and I gave him a kiss on each cheek and told him it felt lovely. He said something like ‘that’s in contrast to the funny look you gave me earlier’ (presumably when he’d got out of the shower) and I couldn’t disguise my incredulity - ‘no I didn’t!’ and he was genuinely shocked that I hadn’t given him a funny look as he’d thought but I knew he realised I was right and he was wrong in his assumption.

He started to make breakfast - he had only six eggs and half a tomato in his fridge as he said payday was the next day - and I said jokingly I’d like to sit on the countertop but cant think of a dignified way to hop up here - he then said very pointedly and vindictively - ‘well you are really short; you are really short, aren’t you’ and then just stared at me for a bit with like a ‘neh neh’ half-smile as if he was waiting for it to land. I know I’m fucking short, I just don’t give a shit! So my brain was thinking - he wants me to be offended by this, but I’m not, and can’t even pretend to be.
Then he served up breakfast and had made himself two eggs and me one. When I pointed this out he immediately apologised and a couple of times asked me if I wanted him to make the second egg, I said no it was fine.

I asked for a tissue and he only had a napkin but was saying things like this napkin is hurt you’re not using it, it’ll be waiting here for you when you come back.
But he was making me a bit uncomfortable - he kind of has this edgy hostile energy sometimes and this time where I felt I was intruding on his space and there was something hostile there, so I got up self-consciously to leave probably looking very uncertain and insecure and he was almost surprised by that and said, no, we don’t need to leave yet, there’s plenty of time (he had to get to work eventually that morning).
Anyway he told me to email him when I landed from my flight, I said I didn’t want to email as I wasn’t very good at emailing, could we Skype or call, he said he doesn’t have a phone (true) or internet at home (true) so could only Skype from work, or the studio he shares and does his art at. So though I didn't agree, he ended with saying ‘you’ll email me’.
Then again I’m not sure if this is normal but we stood and looked at each other for a bit and he came towards me to kiss me goodbye, but it was one of those really, really deep strong french kisses and he also grabbed and squeezed my bottom. Did he do this to just get a bit more flesh and a sexual kick for himself before he went to work or to try and stay memorable to me? I would have like a tender kiss at some point but there was only one on my lips during the night when we were cuddling. Is this usual for men to do that, to not want to do the softer kissing.
A minute later we were still there so I went to give him a hug - he gave a strong hug, and we left but he insisted on walking me to my car and then gave me another similar very strong tongue kiss outside my car.
As he found out the night before that my family are in quite prestigious occupations, that led to pretty much the third question he’s asked me in a year of knowing me - their specific job titles.

After I got back to my country, I didn't actually check my email for over a week as I was kind of overwhelmed by what happened and wanted to process it. It turns out he’d emailed me a couple of days after I’d left telling me to let him know what was new and that he’d had a lovely evening. So I emailed him back just telling him what I was up to, but I can write quite well when I want and so I included a couple of silly stories about the wildlife where I was and things like that but also an upcoming bigger plan about which I didn’t reveal much detail, in about 300 words. Looking back it was maybe irritatingly vague but I am generally uncomfortable talking about myself and didn’t know how to gauge the tone of the reply so thought I would just make it light.

A couple of weeks later I got this 800 word reply all about his life and the things he was doing, how his jobs and lawsuit are going, his holiday plans, his extended family, links to his art website and another link to something with his art that also listed all his qualifications (which are quite impressive to be fair) etc. and asked me what was new.

I replied about a week later and my email was a bit (Very) OTT, I think it was like 1400 words and although I was talking about stuff that was important to me, I kind of used fancy language maybe - because I don’t have a website or anything, and I do have fancy qualifications but feel like a prat putting them in an email, but I did want to show that I do have abilities, and also actually I feel really uncomfortable talking about myself so wanted to hide behind words a bit, maybe. I also asked him some stuff, like, at one point I was talking about what I was doing as a kid and I asked him the equivalent, that sort of thing, and cringe, but he had an old family photo in his apartment and I sort of asked if he wanted me to send the equivalent. You wouldn’t know from this post but I can write well when I want to. I used ‘dear’ instead of his usual ‘hi’, and made a joke about regards that might be interpreted as upping the ante.

Three weeks later he replied, with a ‘hi’ greeting and the standard ‘regards’ reply
He started off really complimentary and named a couple of great writers, one a comedy one as I make a few jokes in my emails, and said I write like them and had I ever considered publication? And while it was a pleasure to get my emails…
My emails however were mindless smalltalk and though he achieves great depth in his artwork, he knows what its like to get lost in a train of thought and I was basically just talking hot air and talking to myself
He then spent the next paragraph saying he was fortunate that he loves what he does - I am pretty sure he interpreted something(s) I said about myself and my life as bragging and somehow he interpreted that as belittling him so I guess moved to justify his job
Then a long paragraph saying, because I referenced his artwork, basically justifying it and giving the history of his life in art, and mentioning his love of a famous writer and how it had influenced his work, and that his writing had been published once - I think (pretty sure) something I said made him feel patronised; I’d also included a photo i’d snapped of some street art (vaguely in his style) on my travels and thought he might like, maybe that was it - its hard to explain but the overall feel was kind of hostile
Then, he attached a couple of photos of ‘comedic’ signs he was asked to make for his gallery/studio space.

I guess his email was about 600 words - I asked about 5 questions (too many I know) and he answered like 1 and a half of them and ignored the rest, and didn't mention anything about the things I had shared about my life (big stuff to me including my family and plans) but maybe i’m guilty of not making that clear because of how I write and he thought it was hot air.

Anyway it has been about 5 weeks since he emailed and because he did not seem to ask me a question that was not rhetorical I am not sure whether to reply. Basically I am unsure whether I ought to reply at all, but if he really did not like my email as he strongly hinted, he could have just left my email unanswered, so why did he reply? For me to not reply would seem to be impolite but to reply would put me in the position of waiting for a reply again and I am just reminded of waiting to receive his reply earlier in the year and the wait to receive the last one which sort of told me I’d done something wrong. An older male friend looked over the email I sent and thought it was really nice and quite interesting.

If the question is why I am attracted to him and feel compelled by him, if I had to sum it up, it’s that he seems compulsively honest - he will always bring up his flaws and faults, almost like, he’s not claiming to be anything he’s not. But at the same time he can be somewhat arrogant, self centred to the point he as asked me three things about myself over the course of a year, and completely misinterprets things as criticism.

I guess the other thing is the sexual experience was really fast, like from starting to kiss to oral sex in like ten minutes maximum, for someone who has not done more than kiss before and wasn’t really expecting more. I think I thought we would do some light kissing and talking so don’t know whether this experience means it is him I am really attracted to and like, or just because he was so physically forward, I became turned on and it ended up going there quite quickly, and if all men are like this in terms of speed and things. And looking back on it I am just so confused by, is he like this (the cuddling part afterwards) with everybody and is it just what he did with his ex etc - but overall I physically did enjoy his company, the sexual part yes even though it accelerated fast but also in particular how he was lovingly touching me after the sexual part, and wonder, would I be turned on and feel close to someone to that extent again or is there something special about this physical connection. I am not comfortable touching people that much in normal life (and have lifelong sensory difficulties around clothing and fabric etc), so part of me wonders whether if I am honest with myself it all went too fast for me to process and I find the whole thing traumatic on some level, combined with how he acts toward me?

I don’t know what questions to ask myself as to whether he is a right person to be in my life, or should he be a friend, or should he not be in my life at all. Is there some way to assess this.

Anyway probably because I have no concept of what these sort of interactions are supposed to look like overall, I suspect there is some glaring stuff that I am missing.

One thing I did manage to uncover was that members of my immediate family treat me uncannily similar to the way he has, but even if I was to work on sorting that psychologically, it doesn’t necessarily make him a person I shouldn’t be in contact with.

Anyway please let me know your thoughts if you can and I greatly appreciate you getting this far.

Nothing needs a to be this complicated.

Plus Y fronts

Plus god. You overthink every single thing.

I got up to the part where you said he recorded your conversation...

Then I thought, fuck that shit.

I wouldn't waste a second of my time on someone who would do such a thing

I'm so sorry I couldn't read your whole post. But to answer your question based on how far I got I would say no, don't pursue it. The older I get, the more I believe the most important quality in a partner is kindness and this man doesn't sound at all kind.

Speed-read your really long posts and all I can come up with is a really short answer to your predicament.

He is a nutcase.

If you need to analyze and over think everything, then maybe this is not the man for you.

He’s hard work. He’s negging you, putting you down. He makes you nervous. Why would you think this was something worth pursuing? People don’t do that to people they care about.

I agree. You sound like a very nice person and you are spending an awful lot of energy trying to puzzle out his behaviour- energy that would be better spent on doing things that make you feel good.
He doesn’t seem to be making you feel good, and he seems to have a nasty streak that he is letting out a bit...he doesn’t seem like a nice person and I would suggest you run for the hills. I think he will continue to confuse you and no, normal men make you feel pretty and appreciated and safe. Look up the freedom project which will explain how normal healthy chaos behave and give you some sort of bench mark. Please don’t get caught up with this one, he sounds nasty and manipulative. I think you already have red flags - he says you are short/ go and chat up the nice tall construction workers etc. This is not nice at all. And he never seems to have your email, or show interest in you...
Don’t contact him again! You may feel sad, but I think when you learn a bit more about healthy relationships you will be very relieved.
Please stop seeing him!

You deserve better. You really do. You are clearly a thoughtful and analytical person and someone who is kind and empathetic.

He is forcing you into a corner and bringing out the worst of your overanalysing. Stop.

Cut him off as brutally as you can. Just ghost if you must. He isn't worth it.

I didn't see the thread you wrote where posters were saying you have ASD. I have autistic traits myself, but he sounds far more abnormal than you.

The smile thing sounds kind of creepy. I don't think you should be alone with him again- I wouldn't trust him. The brushing up against you iin the booth is gross and the court case or whatever is a warning sign- if it were me, I'd want to find out more about that objectively from other people/sources, just for my own curiosity.

But in general, I don't think you're the 'weird' one! I would feel anxious around him. I'd warn you to stay away, really. There are plenty of guys in this world without this unpredictable, psychologically warped, sex pesty vibe.

Onto the next- hopefully someone more relaxing, fun, and gentle.

Dont reply to him. Just forget him. There is some 🚩🚩 there.

I agree he’s a nutcase, you are very inexperienced and are probably as a result overanalysing absolutely everything. Like teenagers do over their first boyfriend. It’s not normal, he’s not normal. Just because this is your first relationship doesn’t mean you have to settle for anyone.

This is not healthy, make a clean break.

He's a pain in the arse. You're wasting time overthinking for a man who by far isn't worth it.

Stop over-analysing and get rid, this man is weird.

He doesn’t sound very nice. You don’t actually sound like you like him, Just that you feel you should. I would move on with your life.

I only read a few paragraphs before concluding you need to block him and move on. He sounds an utter arsehole.

The fact this was so long..says it all really. Sorry but I read a fraction of it and that was enough

OMG tell him to fuck off and run away very fast. Life really shouldn't be this complicated - you are so much better than this. I am exhausted just reading the first few paragraphs.

Why do women put up with this shit?

I think you sound lovely and he really doesn't. You deserve much better than him.

As a general rule, the amount of energy a romantic prospect deserves is inversely proportional to the number of words posted online trying to figure him out.

In other words: he's a waste of time.

Ghost him.

You can have a good sex life with someone but not with him.

You are probably right about the sex: you were turned on by what he was doing, and cuddling after sex does feel like love, even when it isn't 'true' love - people talk about the post-coital glow and it comes from the rush of hormones released through (hopefully) orgasm, but also from warmth and tenderness and human contact.

This man sounds like a pain in the arse and a Bad Thing: he's all insecure and so twitchy and critical of you that it makes you both uncomfortable and keen to please him. As a previous poster said, this is called negging and it's a nasty, manipulative way to behave. He makes himself feel better by making you feel worse. That's not what you want in a lover. The whole point is to connect and to feel good.

I'm really intrigued, though... it sounds as though you have a passion and an educated eye for art - was his work any good? I don't know whether I'm being mean-spirited but I imagine it's not!

I couldnt get through all of it, but from reading half of the first post, I think this man is a headfuck and dodgy as hell

I feel quite relieved to agree with the other posters. I too got as far as reading about him recording your conversation and recoiled. That kind of mindset bothers me. I often think you need to see how someone deals with bad situations / disagreements - because if anything goes wrong in your relationship that's how he'll deal with you. As PP says, he's not kind.

I also think if you have to think very long and hard about pursuing something, producing quite convoluted arguments on the way, the answer is probably no.

As regards sex, yes that 'lovingness' afterwards is normal - it's also often temporary! You both produce a hormone called oxytocin which promotes a bonding feeling. It's not the same as genuine love though. So yes, you would feel the same (at least temporarily) with anyone that you enjoyed kissing or having sex with.