Very very long - whether to pursue this relationship.

[bougainvillaeax]

This is far too long - two posts long - so no worries if it will be not read but I just need it out of my mind and on paper and if anyone can skim or get through it any help would be greatly appreciated. My main questions are summarised in bold at the end of the second post but also bolded in this one.

In brief I am in my thirties and have not been in a relationship before/do not have experience in the bedroom etc so regarding both parts, don't know how to interpret the man's behaviour. On a thread I posted in 90 days a few months ago that I will mention further down, a couple of people thought I had ASD so bear that in mind as a possibility if there is something different about the way I am writing this, but equally maybe I am not writing differently from most other people.

There are a few things I don’t understand. I have been going over this in my head for so long I almost feel disassociated from it. Basically I have known this man about a year and there is a lot of conflicting info and I am confused.

He is early to mid forties.

Earlier thread - he works at a kind of tourism institution I frequented as a visitor. He would heavily flirt with me and in seemingly a meaningful way, divulging all his self criticisms, biography, fears, achievements etc. He also was nervous around me. He also did a few weird things - if I said something objectively neutral he would immediately interpret it as criticism and I would get this look that would kind of shut me down talking or giving opinions, so towards the end of us interacting I was pretty much watching myself to make sure I said agreeable things. Through all this it was clear he was romantically interested in me but after suggesting we continue to chat after the institution closed one evening which I couldn’t agree to because of where I had to be that night, he never asked me out. In the end I gave him my email address and he didn’t contact me, which is when I posted the thread in relationships about 8 months ago, I will link at the bottom of this post.

I returned about a month later and things got weird. I posted in 90 days about this, about 6 months ago, and still have a copy of my original post but not the rest of the thread. He works day shift with lots of people around and rarely nights with just one other person. Firstly there was one incident where I was explaining something to his coworker who I know - something detailed about land deeds that was taking me a couple of minutes to explain - he literally just cut in, like an embarrassed parent, and summarised (wrongly and in a facile incorrect way and a contemptuous voice) what I was saying with ‘she means ’ - I pretended he was right and it was ok but it sort of shocked me as people don’t speak to me like that. After the night shift had ended, to be brief, he started off saying he didn't email me because he had very recently got out of a relationship through work and absolutely would not consider risking his job. I asked what the previous six months had been about and he said, thats just my outgoing personality that you misinterpreted. I was clearly baffled and it eventually emerged he was recording the conversation, because - I’m close friends with a woman higher up in the institution than he is, and he thought I had been sent by her and other women in the institution to set him up and get him fired, that evening. when he established this was not the case, he said that i’d once observed he was cynical, and he was cynical about relationships as well as everything else, but when I suggested we meet to have a conversation about it he gave me his email address - I said look I won't email you if you don't want me to and he told me, if I trusted him and knew him like I said I did, I would email him. I posted in 90 days something like ‘help me understand this man’ and the general consensus was WTF was wrong with me, I needed help understanding myself and why I would put up with this, that is also where two or three people thought I might have ASD.

I didn't email him, but I returned to the institution a couple of weeks later again for a night event. I didn't know he would be there but if I am honest was half hoping he would be. I ended up going for a drink with him and his friend who is his colleague somewhere else and happened to be visiting, and there, he was flirting with the waitress, linking random events conspiratorially (my friend quit the institution for totally unrelated reasons and he though this had something to do with something else that’d happened), he told a story about a woman in the place he works with the friend we were having a drink with, who asked him to move out of a room so she could show some VIPs her work and he talked about writing an article publicising the artists but taking pleasure leaving her out as revenge, he said about her ‘fuck you bitch’ when telling the story; he talked with a kind of reverence about his sister, talking about how she is gay and hates men, and is the scientist in the family (he was sort of showing off about her job) so he can’t compete but will outdo her by having children, and that he was ‘looking for a womb’, at which point his friend asked ‘is that why you go on all these dates’. The men had had two beers each and I had a 1.99 lemonade, and when the waitress came round at the end from the silence it was clear we were splitting the bill, so I paid for my lemonade and then he asked his friend to pay for his beers as he was late making rent. As we left, he said women are manipulators, I said do you think I am a manipulator, he said no, I think I said something that vaguely challenged him then he said he did not want to risk pursuing anything with me as he was involved in a ‘major high profile human rights court case against a former employer’ (the implication I guess being we’d met through the institution and that wouldn't reflect well on him). I just left.

I was not emotionally over it but my head was over it at this point. A couple of weeks later, very randomly, I met someone the night before who also works at this place and gave me the opportunity to attend the only thing I hadn’t yet been able to attend at this place, which happens very late at night after most other events had wrapped up. I really love the institution and know i’d never get the chance again so agreed in principle, knowing I could more or less avoid the part he was working in. I will say I knew he had a shift that night as he’d said the last time I saw him. I turned up and had a great night, but by chance he saw me coming in, and I was all dressed up (first time he would have seen me like that) as I came straight from an important event. I did not go over to his area, but after he had finished he came and found me talking to my friends, and kept coming to talk to me even though I tried to end the conversation a few times and would walk away from him each time. He even said ‘I enjoyed that drink we had last week’ (!) eventually he left because he had to get public transport as his car had broken down, and I just decided to move on and the next week moved hundreds of miles away and more or less processed it and got over it.

At this point I found out from my friend that she thinks he had got fired from a previous job five years ago for I think ‘an inappropriate relationship’. We know the person had the same unusual first name as him, and also that he used to work there, but can’t be sure about that. (This isn’t the employer he’s suing).

Three months later I had to be back in the original town for just one day. For whatever reason, I ended up emailing him and we met up that evening and had dinner and spent the night. Coincidentally I found out from him that evening that the week prior he had contacted my friend, who he used to work with (and suspected of the conspiracy!) and told her to tell me to email him, but I hadn't been in contact with her that week. So, during dinner, there were a lot of things I did like as I was able to properly talk about myself for the first time since knowing him, but a couple of things I didn’t like; I was mentioning height as it pertained to how people think about themselves with reference to a historical figure, and separately mentioned wanting to visit an industrial town for research reasons, and, and he is on the short side for a male in his country, he said ‘why don’t you go to [that town], then you can hang out with all these construction workers, all these nice tall construction workers, and you can go out with them’, said kind of viciously. I was kind of surprised as I am also short and don't give it a second thought, so just brushed it aside. One other thing I wasn’t sure about was in the booth he was like mid way round our semicircular booth with just us in it and I was closer to one side, and three times he told me to get up so he could use the loo, but he could have left the booth the other side it would have been more or less the same distance. Of course that meant every time he came back I had to slide to the end and stand up once again to let him back in. The last time this happened he slid in and brushed ‘himself’ against the back of me, my bottom, if you know what I mean, as he went into the booth, and simultaneously gave me this deep invasive smile like he has done (the smile part) a couple of times before. I have to place this into context as though I am in my thirties I have not really been out with anyone and though I have kissed people have not done much more so I don't know what is normal. It might have been my fault as after I found out he had contacted my friend to try and get me to contact him (he claims he lost my email address), I became more comfortable in the situation and my knee was occasionally touching his of my own volition before he left the booth the last time, or maybe I was standing in such a way that he didn't have room to get in and he thought I meant him to do that. He insisted on paying for the meal, which I know was difficult for him as he literally lives on the breadline.
The other thing that happened was he revealed he has a tumour in his brain that he was diagnosed with a few years ago, and another tumour was removed from elsewhere. I think it is stable although he had treatment to shrink the one in the brain. He also told me about this big court case and he is suing an old employer.

He asked me if I wanted to go back to his house, he asked me before he came back into the booth that last time, but I had said yes, and did feel ok about that still. It sounds naive but I thought we might keep talking. I knew something else might be on the cards but in retrospect it was hard to quantify what that would be if such a thing hasn’t happened before. Anyway, he wanted me to follow his car with my car and was a little put out that I wanted to use my sat nav but anyway I got there by myself. He showed me around the place and showed me some of his artistic work in the spare room. He started talking nervously about the artistic meaning of his work but when I crouched down to get a closer look at it he told me ‘that’s enough critical analysis’ and I felt I had to stand up and we left the room. He made a point of telling me he was locking the door, and I joked was that to keep me from getting out or to stop other people getting in, but it all felt like kind of a rehearsed routine in retrospect; he had his dumbbells out in the living room which seemed staged but I don't know. Because of something I asked him he ended up telling me his dad was an alcoholic who was jealous of him since childhood and never kind to him, and his father used to destroy the house, so he bulked up as a teenager to restrain his father, and he hadn’t had contact with him in a decade. I said that’s got to do a person some damage and he said yes, it made him emotionally unavailable enough to record a conversation, referring to that time. I asked him about his other artistic work, not just his ‘best’ stuff that he showed me, which was to the right of the sofa, and he refused to show me any of it and said he was tired of discussing it. Anyway he kissed me on the sofa, and this is where I am a little confused too and possibly tmi. As it was my first sexual experience beyond kissing, I am not sure what is normal etc. I guess the word is french kissing, his tongue was in my mouth a lot almost immediately and quite deep and strong, and he used his hands a lot, so was squeezing me a lot all over. I have to admit I had a moment - it was very quick, like seconds, from him starting to kiss me to being on top of me - where I suddenly realised how big and strong he was (he is not short relative to me) and I thought ‘I’m in real trouble’ and had the thought he was going to rape me because he was escalating things so quickly and was so strong, but when I stopped things a couple of times and made a half hearted joke about ‘are these your moves’ he was quite happy to pause, but as time went on I supposed I became turned on by what he was doing, and this is where I am confused: I am not sure whether it was him who was actually turning me on or what he was doing, if that makes any sense at all? The thing that unnerved me a bit is he never seemed in the least out of control, or out of breath - he was his same very composed self at all points throughout. At one point when we were taking a pause, he told me he hadn’t had sex in 6 years since his last relationship ended, when I asked why, he said because it wasn’t an important thing to prioritise after he recovered from his tumour treatment 5 years ago. I told him I hadn't done it before, and he said because I was leaving tomorrow it wasn’t a good idea, and I said I agreed. I asked him about his friend saying he went on all these dates, but he said because he was ‘ill and wanted kids, he was kind of choosy’. Because he was squeezing quite hard and also (tmi) smacking, I asked him (genuinely) if he was a sadist but he found that funny and said of course not. He asked why and I said it was because he was strong, he said ‘you’re weak’ quite defensively. Anyway like I say this is tmI but he lifted my top up and did stuff, then put it back down, at this point I was sitting on his lap, but somehow we got to him lying off to the side of me on the sofa again and I said something about preferring him to be on top of me, and he said well he would like to take my top off, and it sounds silly but because he had already lifted it up, I didn’t feel I could say no right at that point so I took it off. Also he told me to take his shirt off, he just kind of told me, so I did. I noticed something on his shirt was also written on a piece of art in the room, and he was really pleased about that, the fact that I'd noticed, but it felt almost like a parent being pleased, and like I had passed some kind of test.

Contd in next post:

Op, ive read more of what youve written and the whole thing sounds odd. In my opinion you come across as a bit vulnerable. You dont seem to see how odd this all is. Youre opening yourself up to someone that blows hot and cold with you and is even mocking you at times.

I am not sure whether it was him who was actually turning me on or what he was doing, if that makes any sense at all?

Absolutely makes sense. It could be both, it could be just one. And either is fine so long as you are happy with it.

Back when I was a young adult learning about sex, I had a few sexual encounters where I realised I was enjoying myself even though I was simultaneously aware they weren't really who or what I wanted. I learned that I wasn't happy with that, so I would then conclude the encounter before sex.

It's not you, it's him! Please don't spend an ounce more of your time and effort on him. You don't owe him any more of your attention.

Could not read the whole thing.
Just RUN !
DO NOT LOOK BACK.

OP, I don't think this man sounds very nice at all. Please protect yourself from him.

I didn't read most of the second part I'm afraid.

But I read enough to think this man sounds like a fantasist and is very manipulative.

I think he's trying to take advantage of you. You're not comfortable with his behaviour, stop trying to talk yourself into complying. Your instincts are right I'm afraid, he is bad news.

I didn't read it past the first sentence. The reason? If you write this much about someone, then it isn't about healthy adult relating: it is obsession.
And no solid relationship is built on that.

OP - in the nicest possible way, you sound as if you don't realise you have a choice in all this. If a man appears to show sexual interest in you, you don't actually have to go ahead and sleep with him, you know? Especially not when he's a headfuck wankpuffin like this one. I'm afraid I didn't make it all the way through both posts, but I can't find anything where you clarify what it is that you like about this awful man. Do you fancy him, or even like him as a person, or what? I must say, just reading about his sexual technique made me want to sew myself into my knickers, but to each their own. I think you need to have a long think about what you think a relationship with this man would look like and how it would work, and if it's even what you want. Ultimately, you don't sound like you like him that much.

I do remember your previous thread, fwiw, and I can recall wondering then how the hell you could be bothered with this dickhead's weirdness and drama. I had hoped you would give him up as a bad job, but here we all are...

Just because you are inexperienced doesn't mean you have to settle for him. He sounds like a complicated wierdo. Half the world is male, choose someone else.

I didnt read any of your post past the first sentence. But based on the length of it id say definitely dont pursue. A relationship shouldn't require this much analysis to work out if it is worthwhile

I remember your other threads. There's something very wrong with all of this, you are obsessed. He sounds like a strange man too. You are massively over analysing every breath this guy takes. The sex sounds crap and you don't mention actually enjoying it. You were asked lots of times on your last thread, are you getting MH support?

No.

You are trying incredibly hard to find a way to make this normal. It's not. Walk away, speedily.

You sound massively vulnerable. Do you have a social worker, counselor, trusted adult in your life that you can confide in? You need support and guidance irl.

This guy is completely nuts and scary. You seem not to realize that you dont need to interact with him? It's completely unnecessary to have sex with him, do you understand that? How he feels about it or what he wants is totally irrelevant. YOU are supposed to feel comfortable and happy with a friend or partner, it doesn't matter how they feel if that part isnt in place.

Please get support, perhaps professional help. You are going to end up in a very regrettable situation if you keep hanging out with odd, worrying, potentially dangerous men.

He sounds insane.

All the court cases, conspiracy, paranoia etc. stuff. He's sounds like s fruit-cake.

I really think you should give him a wide berth and not get involved.

He also sounds like he's not nice to you, and he sounds like he rushes sex/is not a sensitive lover.

To answer your question, of course it could've been that you were enjoying/turned on by the physical contact in general rather than him specifically. Physical/sexual contact can be like that. It's something you could have and enjoy more with someone who is not like him or crazy (and a bit nasty).

I read your whole post.

This does not sound healthy.

No, you should not pursue this relationship.

I don't think you even like this man very much. I certainly don't like the sound of him. I'm sorry if that's not the answer you wanted.

What @rvby said upthread. You need some support OP as you are letting dangerous and unhinged people into your life and are seemingly unable to read situations/relationships that have potential to be damaging to you.

Please get some IRL support as soon as possible.

Don't have anything more to do with this awful man.
He sounds totally unhinged.
You are a very intelligent and thoughtful person.
You deserve far far better than this from a relationship.
In normal relationships people do not put the other person down or bully them.
You can watchYouTube videos about experts talking about relationships and how to learn about sex in relationships. You will will learn more positive stuff there than having to tolerate such awful behaviour from him no matter what he tells you about his life.
Good luck OP.

Brutal honesty. I git only as far as this

He would heavily flirt with me and in seemingly a meaningful way, divulging all his self criticisms, biography, fears, achievements etc. He also was nervous around me. He also did a few weird things - if I said something objectively neutral he would immediately interpret it as criticism and I would get this look that would kind of shut me down talking or giving opinions, so towards the end of us interacting I was pretty much watching myself to make sure I said agreeable things

NO. This type of man who has you feeling off guard immediately is a NO. I have no idea if you have autism or not. Regardless, men who subtly fuck with your self worth early on are a straight NO.

Thank you all each and every one of you for so generously and kindly taking the time to reply. It means the world.

I started typing and sorry, this is altogether too long again but it is helping me to get the thoughts out of my head after having them so long. No worries if no one reads it.

If it annoys anyone for me to tag them please let me know and I won’t do it if I reply subsequently.

The question is why am I compelled. To be honest, it’s because he feels so familiar to me (details below), I feel as if we are already family honestly, and because of that, and I am aware of how it sounds, it feels like destiny. So I know intellectually I should let it go but then some part of me yearns for him and wonders whether this is my ending. As I have got all the way to this age without wanting anyone physically and as below I am unmotivated to keep people in my life or stay in other peoples’ lives up til this moment so it is spectacularly unusual so for whatever reason I feel the compulsion I feel I might never feel it again. He is not good looking by a societal standard and I have received an ok amount of male attention in my life but did not feel any motivation to act on it so that’s why it feels unusual and as though it must be acted upon. @EoinMcLovesCakeJumper It almost seems irrelevant whether I like him; he isn’t nice, but that seems part of this unique quality of honesty, as if he can be relied upon to be truthful and dispenses with all societal niceties. That, if I am honest, is what makes him feel so rare and why I mustn’t let him go. I am very open to challenging this thinking and make good headway but then it comes back to that nagging thought.

It’s not just how he treats me, which is exactly how my older sister treats me (they’re the same age) and somewhat like my mother treats me, and he acts like my mum’s brother - my mum’s brother is simultaneously a golden child and black sheep in the family, as he is in the least prestigious job, but has compensated for it by being all for show and makes gestures of generosity but it’s all about how he looks to others, and would throw you under the bus, and is hyper sensitive to criticism. So the siblings that are in prestigious professions resent him but my grandma and my mother absolutely adore him and put him on pedestal, but he has gambled away all the money he made and has borrowed a six figure sum from my parents which they will never see again and has vastly altered their retirement plans, and is possibly in 7 figures of debt and has made his son and wife’s life hell financially. he is insanely sensitive to criticism and is also rude to me and does whatever he wants around his wife and son.
Also with regard to this person I wrote about, he also smells familiar and looks like my mum’s side of the family a bit. this is really weird but his skin feels like my mum’s skin and he also has her strength and kind of holds me in the same way, similar hands or something, sorry if this sounds weird, but that is part of why I felt so deliriously happy during the cuddling part if I am super analytical about it. I guess it was also the way he touched me, like he was marvelling at my non sexual anatomy and things and although i have nothing whatsoever to compare him to, it feels like he has an amazing capacity and gift for touch, and maybe that’s how he expresses love. Can I ask, can men do that sometimes after what seems like a one night stand? I know it seems like I’m going round in circles but I just want to lance this boil and bring all my nagging questions to the surface.

As far as my sister, she is really horrible to me and mostly always has been. I am very low contact with her but when I was back in my home country for a bit we were all at home and the way she was screaming at my mother I found really traumatic as I had been away from shouting people for a year. She is in a very prestigious profession but she speaks to and treats me appallingly and also my parents but the latter is none of my business.

As far as sexually, I was very physically turned on and had an orgasm during the oral sex, so I can see what you are saying about the oxytocin. But like my questions nag at me it feels out of kilter with how well I knew him and I would in retrospect have preferred to kiss on the sofa. It went so fast I cannot separate the two.
Also I think about what happened from time to time and am aroused by it, and of course he is who I think about when that happens so the thoughts about him seem hard to shake as he is who comes to my mind when that happens, but there feels something unhealthy about why I am aroused by the memory, almost as if he was using me to meet his own needs and it sounds strange but I am almost recalling how it felt for him more than how it felt for me. I am then left trying to work out if he was in fact using me or does in fact have strong feelings for me.

@rvby @Branleuse The other question is am I vulnerable. I don’t know. Maybe, because I have become very isolated and find it easy to make friends but impossible to keep them as I cant seem to stay in touch with people. It’s the reason I posted the thread but couldn’t seem to come back and read it til now, I can’t articulate why. I will avoid checking my email because I find it difficult to cope with the expectation of replying. I overheard my sister telling my mother on the phone on loudspeaker that I was vulnerable a few years ago, but I don’t trust my sister.
May I ask is there anything else that seems vulnerable apart from who i am letting into my life, and do you see this as a temporary vulnerability or something deeper.

@SouthernComforts As for can I access a person or help, apart from my older male friends as below, no, and I am not in poverty but don’t have much spare money. I tried to do online meditation or yoga recently and these days you can skype a therapist and I could afford about a half hour a month, if anyone is suggested and has a trusted recommendation I will certainly look into it. I live in a very isolated geographical area right now.

One thing that worries me is I noticed that the two or three friends I made this year are men in their fifties and sixties who have all confessed to finding me attractive. The friend I showed the email to is very intelligent and great to talk to but occasionally will mention something sexual like he told me he had a breast fetish the first time I met him and a lot of our friendship was based on talking about his problem I was having with this man I am writing about. When I emailed him in the past few weeks with this problem he said he would get on a plane and come and ‘shag me senseless’ to get over this thing as freud suggested but it in the same breath that I needed the peace and time to work things out for myself and was suggesting meditations and things for me to do. In the next email when I was still trying to get over this person, he said I needed to befriend a man my age and he went into detail about how my (tmi) hymen would be broken so to choose someone small and he told me the girth of his genitals and it would be too painful for my first time. He mixes that all in with really really sound advice like I asked him about nutrition for example, and some amazing insights, and like I say he is very intelligent and told me he thinks we are both on the ASD spectrum and we have lots of special interests in common that most people would find utterly dull, but it makes me so uncomfortable when he talks about things like that.

@ElizabethinherGermanGardento be honest it was not terrible but it was quite hackneyed and un-innovative. I got the sense that he didn’t have a strong sense of who he was as there was such diversity in themes and styles in the stuff he showed me, in contrast to how he presents himself as having strong opinions and he said he spends most of his day arguing with people. He is in perpetual fights with all three employers he has got at the moment and I think people at his work walk on eggshells around him. regarding where I met him he goes on about sitting in a meeting full of ‘women who were all trying to get him fired’ which is why he records everything at work now, he says.

@DisplayPurposesOnly You mentioned past behaviour being an indicator of the future - this is what the intellectual part of myself is telling me and part of why I sent him a more whimsical email - to see whether he had that flexibility and lightness and could respond in kind. What you said kind of chilled me as he is in a different country and if there were child custody issues way down the line I dread to think.

Another thing he said is that he asked his mother why on earth she had married his father when she knew he was an alcoholic, expecting the answer to be that she loved him, and she said because she wanted children. (He later told his father which he says led to a deterioration in the jealousy his father had for him). But that worried me, that as he has this tumour and no money, and I might be one of the few women who might eventually consider bearing him a child, is that the same thing - that he can’t love me (I don’t know if he can actually love someone when he seems to loathe himself so much) yet might believe that he does. That is why I am trying to interpret the way he was holding and touching me in the hugging part as I mentioned above, whether men do that normally with people they have no feelings for.

I wanted to also add that when he had switched out the lights and we were going to try and sleep, he (definitely) very accidentally hit me hard in the face as he crossed the bed in the pitch dark, I said semi jokingly ‘you just punched me in the face!’ he immediately said ‘you deserved it’, I think he was trying to be funny but I would not have said that.

@Treatedlikeamaid thank you I read the hard copy when I was trying to understand my sister a few years ago and have just bought the kindle version to reread. Can I also ask - if we were in a relationship what would life look like? Like if we were living together and were married or had a child? Is it possible he could form a normal loving bond with someone, or is it that he could but that person won’t be me?

For the posters that said I was thoughtful and intelligent and sounded like a nice person that is so very kind and means such a lot, thank you.

Jesus christ OP.

Ok, this is an emergency. You need to never ever see this person again.

Have you ever seen a psychologist or clinical social worker? Do you have an existing relationship with one?

This forum cannot solve your problems. You need professional help. You are vulnerable and if you dont get help onside you are going to end up in a terrible situation.

YOU are feeling things. HE can make YOU feel things, without even intending to, and certainly not because he is feeling anything like love. Oxytocin is powerful, extremely powerful, it very easily creates all kinds of illusions of feelings and can VERY easily make you think someone else is in love with you. Combine that with your complete lack of boundaries and, apparently, total lack of self preservation and you can end up getting beaten to death by a psychopath who you seek to think you can argue the universe into being the love of your life.

You need urgent help. Get off the internet and into professional care.

If you insist on bonding yourself to someone who is clearly extremely dangerous, then for fuck sake get the coil put in. DO NOT BRING AN INNOCENT CHILD INTO THIS. No pets either, this guy will torture them to death for sport and you'll come up with a complex explanation as to why he meant well.

Let me spell it out..
This man has abuser written all over him in bright red, capital letters.
He is VERY controlling.
ie: It is not normal to tell another adult how to flush a toilet. It is not normal to pay any attention to how another adult flushes a toilet at all. (Unless it is not flushed, but that is indicative of another problem!)
You are intelligent enough to understand that you are far too vulnerable to allow yourself to be in the presence of a controlling man.
*See how you allowed him to shut you down and speak over the top of you, and put incorrect words into your mouth. YOU gave him permission to do so with your continued silence.

This feels familiar to you because of family conditioning. If you find this attractive or sexy, you need serious counselling ASAP. You are going to find yourself deeply unhappy and very quickly if you pursue this relationship, or any similar. This is all very, very unhealthy.

Also - he is DEEPLY misogynistic. You are a person, not a womb.
I have concerns that he could have violent tendencies, from the way you describe his behaviours.

Hi bougainvilleax, I have read all your posts as I can't sleep and I would echo what other posters have said about how he is not a safe person to be around or have a relationship with.

My insight would be that you are attracted to him and feel this pull towards him because he treats you in a similar abusive way to the way that you have been treated by your family members. It is not him as such but the way he treats you that is giving you this sense of connection and familiarity.

He is abusive and his behaviour would likely be very damaging to you if you ended up in a fulltime relationship with him.

You ask whether his post-sexual behaviour suggests he really cares for you? I don't think he is probably really capable of caring for anyone. He sounds a very emotionally damaged person. He is obviously attracted to you and probably sees in you the vulnerability that would enable him to control and abuse you:-(.

Have read your very long posts. In answer to your thread title, absolutely no fucking way. Do not pursue this relationship

Just the recording without asking permission is creepy as fuck to be honest. The rest of it? No, I would run away from him! You deserve so much better.