How could I not see this?

[Wtfareyou]

Hi there,

I am a new poster and looking for some support or words of wisdom as my head is fried from a situation I have found myself in. I'll try to explain as well as I can

I moved to another country on a secondment for a year and am now half way through. I have a great friend who I met through the organisation we both work for, although we dont work directly with one another. He lives in the city where I have been seconded to, and he and his partner have been so hospitable and helpful with my transition here. As it is so far from home he invited me to spend Christmas with his extended family in a much more remote part of the country, a few hours by plane. The is a very beautiful place and it was very kind of him to include me. I am there now.

Now, prior to me even coming to the country my friend (let's call him James) would often mention that he thought his youngest brother (let's call him Jack) and I would be great together, even if just for some fun. We have both been single for a while, mid thirties, quite driven when it comes to our careers and not necessarily looking for a relationship but also not entirely opposed to the idea. He lives in this remote location, and I got to meet him twice a few months ago when he was visiting family in the city I'm based. We had a great night out with James, and had another evening out, after which Jack and I got together. All good, we clearly fancy each other and have a good laugh together. He goes back to his remote town and I don't think too much about it. A week or so later he starts texting me about an international sporting tournament we are both following, and there's lots of banter about this, all good. I quite like him but am wary of getting to invested. Our texts start becoming more frequent and some sexting also starts. Again all good, it's super hot, fun etc. I tell him James has invited me for Christmas and does he mind, check with James too that it's definitely okay with everyone. But yes, all good, of course, more fun.

I really look forward to hearing from him, the texts become more frequently, daily in fact. And we start to talk about more personal things, call each other cute little names. He sends me good night texts. He generally starts the conversations each day, and talks about how excited he is to see me, what he'll be cooking etc. If anything I start feeling a bit overwhelmed with the amount of communication as I'm busy and have lots to do with work and life. But figure it's better he's so enthusiastic than the other way round since I'm going to a completely new place with all his family We have a couple of tipsy phone calls not long before I'm due to arrive and loads of texts about how excited he is.

James, his partner and some other family aren't arriving until Christmas eve, but I have the time to go a few days early and spend some time seeing the beautiful surrounding area and generally chill out. Jack says that he will pick me up from airport and will take me to see and do all this great stuff. I'm staying in a hotel nearby, and so is James and his partner once they arrive, as there will be other family at Jack's from Christmas eve onwards.

I get there, very excited and kind of nervous. He meets me, we're both a little bashful but start chatting, he takes me to my hotel. We go for some food, few drinks. Enjoy the hotel facilities, chat away for hours. He seems a bit shy for all his sexy texts, but that's all fine. He's fairly blokey and a bit rough round the edges you might say but we have similar views on some things and both work with marginalised groups. We hook up, fall asleep, all good. Though I notice he doesn't like to be close in bed, all fine.

Next morning I'm awake early, he likes his sleep. Once he is waking up we're chatting a bit about the day ahead. I'm horny, after all this time I was hoping for lots of hot sex but he's clearly not up for it, not responding to any advances by me. Ok, maybe not a morning person. We have all these plans so he gets up, heads home to change etc and will pick me up asap, which he does. We're on a long drive, I'm happy enough. Spend the day doing stuff. He seems standoffish, even though he's spending all this time with me and going out to dinner etc. He starts saying I'm slamming the car door a bit hard, and to stop 'staring' at him. I'm just looking at him when I'm talking to him etc in the car. I start feeling quote homesick and a bit vulnerable somehow. Perhaps I become a little quiet, but I'm also enjoying the beautiful scenery as we drive. He starts making comments about me sulking or having no chat, and then when I try to start conversation he'll make a sarcastic comment that shuts down what I'm saying. Or when I respond to something he says or asks he'll say 'I didn't ask for an essay' or 'didn't want your life story'. It's starting to make me feel shit and I feel tearful, wondering how I should act to make things go smoothly. Sometimes I don't quite hear what he says as he speaks quickly or under his breath, or not looking at me, and then gets rolls his eyes when I ask him to repeat himself. When I say oh ok sorry or whatever he then says something like 'oh lighten up I'm just joking, jeez you're hard work' or something like that. He kind of snaps at me once or twice.

I'm feeling awful by this point but he still seems to want to spend all this time, makes plans to watch a movie at his, still no physical touching at all, not even much eye contact. We go back to my hotel for dinner, some wine. After this we are relaxing on my balcony area and I want to figure out what's going on, so I ask him if I've done something wrong, as he seems very different to his text messages and I'm feeling a bit flummoxed by the whole thing. He immediately gets aggressive, says I'm criticising him, he's been a gentleman taking me everywhere spending time with me even opening doors . When I ask about the whole lack of intimacy he says he 'doesn't do affection or feelings' that what you see is what you get with him. That he doesn't do relationships because it's always this sort of shit with women. I say it's important to communicate about whatever is going on, and I'm not criticising I'm trying to understand him and where he's at, and Im just asking for the same consideration. He completely shuts me down, says nope, not happening. I even get visibly upset trying to explain how I feel, and being homesick and vulnerable as my dad isn't well etc. About which he was so sweet and kind in messages before I came. He won't have any of it. Says he does listen what more do I want. This is all very aggressively said all whole refusing to even look at me. I'm flabbergasted. Manage to start talking about something else. To be honest I want to bolt, but am essentially trapped in this remote area with him as my only transport. I figure it's best to try and carry on as normal as I actually feel a bit afraid of him. Also my friend arrives in a couple of days and I don't want to create any drama or be labelled difficult.

We carry on the night as if nothing happened. I even sleep with him again though it feels as if it's to keep the peace or something. I hope that maybe tomorrow will be a bit better, but know it won't. Odd thing is he is still making all these plans and I'm not away from him for more than an hour, when he goes home to feed the dog and change before another day trip. Why not just leave me to it? I also feel I can't ask to have some time along as that will be seen as being precious or moody or ungrateful, and I'll be punished somehow. Which is definitely what it feels like for trying to have an open honest conversation.

Maybe I should mention I'm well educated and speak and dress fairly nicely I suppose, unlike him perhaps. I couldn't care less what someone's background is, just whether they are a good person. There have been a few words I've used he has not understood and immediately just calls me posh and takes the piss etc.

So as you can imagine the next day was worse still. Everything I said he shit down or took the piss out, all u derived the guise of joking around. And when I went quiet or said something about the weather or being tired or whatever he would say 'oh is that you whinging again'. Yet won't leave to be on my own. Honestly, it's so exhausting and upsetting. I've never experienced behaviour like this before. I could go on with the rest but right now I'm just so shocked and sad.

Because the rest of the family has arrived I'm finally now on my own in the hotel for a bit so can regroup a bit.

Please can someone help me figure or what the hell is happening? Or just some kind words of support from someone who understands this?

Thanks all. I barely slept, I feel like a shell and alternate between a trance like state and breaking down.

I am going to visit my brother for new year tomorrow night in another country. He is a lovely young man and we are very close. I am usually so bubbly, outgoing and excited to see him, full of positive conversation... but I think I'll be feeling this strange messed up way still and don't think I can hide it. He knew about Jack as in me meeting him, the texting interaction and me going there for Christmas. He has also met James a few times. I let him know things weren't going great over Christmas, but has no idea of the extent of it or how bad I'm feeling. I'm almost embarrassed to tell him...he is a lot more savvy/cautious than me. I am very open and trusting of people by comparison.

I am supposed to be seeing a girlfriend here later that I met through work. I gave her the heads up and she has been lovely. But doing anything feels like a momentous effort. I don't want to eat and can't really sleep. I feel self conscious in public like people can see right through to my soul and I'm finding eye contact difficult. I keep remembering little details, flashbacks...his smug face the last time we were intimate and looking at him thinking 'I hate you, you repulse me, but I'm stuck here, I'm frightened of you and afraid of the way you are going to treat me in front of your family if I don't try to please you'

I'm so sorry you've been through such a horrible experience OP, it must have been so frightening. Try not to expect too much of yourself for the next few weeks - I know all that worry, confusion and weirdness would have absolutely knocked me for six, especially a long way from home. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to recover, with whatever support you want or need. You sound lovely, whereas he sounds like a total (abusive) arse

It’s over now. Try not to let him turn you into a victim and take any more of your headspace.

This was a horrible blip of a few days in the span of your whole life. Dust yourself off, and enjoy the fact you never have to have anything to do with him ever again.

Don’t give this guy any more airtime in your head. Block immediately so he can’t disarm you with more passive aggressive messages down the line when your guard is down. Hope you’re feeling ok x

Just goes to show people how quickly these sort can get into your head and mess with it.

Listen, you did nothing wrong. There are a lot of horrible people in this world and you met one and had a bad experience. It happens, you'll get past it.

Just make sure he is blocked on everything (find n block him on fb ect...). And go see friends/fam n have some fun. You don't have to talk about it anymore. If you keep regurgitating it, it will keep it in your present. Keep yourself busy and in a few weeks you'll be over it (except the anger. That will show up...and last). Don't feel the need to go into much detail with James either. Just tell him his brother is a bully and that you don't want to speak/hear about him ever again.

I'm in Australia btw

That was obvious from your description of Jack. Australian men can be appalling and some Australians tend to think that anyone who’s read a book needs taking down a peg. Good luck - but just avoid getting involved with Australian men.

You're not an idiot, abusers can make us feel that way but it is all down to them - being abusive!

Have you read the gift of fear? Check that out, also, check out Richard Grannon on youtube, he's amazing about this stuff. You'll soon learn to spot these abusers quicker in future ;) Good luck.

I knew it was Australia! I also live in Perth. Not Australian either.

I just knew you were talking about Australia! Although I like some Australian men, and am currently dating one originally from Darwin, I can see a pattern in these men like many other posters have mentioned. Man child. Sulky. Sexist but claim not to be. And more often than not, racist. Sad but true.

Of course, not all Australian men are like that. But unfortunately a lot I have come across are

P.s. I did not take up my guys offer on a trip to Darwin for xmas. Reading your post makes me kinda glad. Although I am "seeing" him, I have a little nagging doubt in my gut telling me he is sexist.. and I didn't want to feel trapped in the middle of nowhere!! So I really feel for you!!

Listen to your gut noshoenoshirt! My guy is on his way there for new years. If hadn't been for my existing family plans I'd have signed up for that itinerary.

That's not to say don't go because he's Australian. I really appreciate the posters who have been quite up front and honest about there experience's of unkind men. I know this isn't an Aussie issue. There are bad and good everywhere. But I will admit that some of the words I use, or the books I like to read when I'm in the outback and not working for once did sometimes draw ridicule and unnecessary remarks from him. I just want to finish reading In Cold Blood in fucking peace without that egomaniac trying to be little me. He really didn't like that I was smarter than him (not hard) or a better swimmer and climber. In fact he made sure to tell me he wasn't very impressed

The irony of my poor grammar and spelling in that post doesn't escape me. I might have had a very supportive wine fueled catch up with a friend who I found out spent 5 years with a man like this.

Thanks to him I have a much truer understanding and bond with my friend now, and a few weeks away from the country is just what I need. The bastard doesn't know it, but women are quite simply awesome and I am so glad to be counted among you. Even though we are inexplicably still living in a man's world x

It's a classic case of tall poppy syndrome. Very common in Oz and Nz.

You're traumatised, OP. That's normal.

Don't forget, however, that you had the survival skills to identify the situation you were in and play it out to perfection (putting on an act of the perfect, docile kitchen wench) enabling you to get to the airport unstopped, and escape. For that, you should be very proud of yourself. The rest is an important lesson learned, for which you will be wiser and safer in future.

You're in shock OP. That's why your brain is cycling round and round, trying to make sense of things. That will start to fade, gradually, and you'll soon be back to your old self.

You got out. Now you can start healing. I think it's natural, after we've pinned hopes on things turning out well (which it sounds like you did, after his great texting) to feel a kind of disappointed horror at how things really did turn out.

And James might not know what Jack is like. I adore my own brother but he has an...ahem...chequered dating history and I have no idea how he behaves towards women when he's in a one-to-one situation.

break free from his put downs OP.. sweep it all away... good luck

I’m interested to know what James thinks of his brother

You were wonderful OP as PPs have said, you spotted it quickly, figured out what to do, got your support systems in place and got out. Of course you are traumatised but never tell yourself you're an idiot. You did so well. Have a great New Year and be secure in the knowledge that you can spot abuse and take action (I'm another one who thinks James set you up btw, not sure I'd want to continue being close friends with him in your place)

I really feel for you, get out of there, get home, lick your wounds and block that person. He is an utter sociopath - your experience with him will make you wary from now on, but believe me, he is not normal. Very strange man.
Let us know when you get home safely..

thelikelylass
get out of there, get home she did.
Let us know when you get home safely.. she has.

Hello from Australia!

I'm very sorry for what you have been through OP but glad you are back home safe.

I'm sitting here surrounded by sexist bogan men-children. All of them. Any time the word bogan is mentioned the world just knows it is related to Australia due to all of the worldly experience a few posters seem to have on every Aussie male. I mean my bloody dog is even sitting here waiting for me to pick up his mess and make him his dinner.

My sons act like little women hating babies. My father and brother think all women should be in the kitchen wearing an apron. Don't get me started on my partner who cries and cries if I don't do what I'm told.

I read the relationship board on MN daily about the thousands of horrible men who are treating their women badly and feel so sorry for my fellow Aussie females. Because surely the majority of these posters are upset with their male Aussie partners right? No bad, abusive, uneducated and sexist men anywhere else in the world? Oh wait, where are the majority of posters on this board from? Excuse me if I don't know as I'm too uneducated and don't leave the kitchen often.

"It's a classic case of tall poppy syndrome. Very common in Oz and Nz."

Could you refer us to where you have gotten the statistics on this statement? I've googled this syndrome but cannot find any facts on what countries it is more common in.

And in wade the local PR team.

Couldn't have the next wave of capital contributors immigrants put right wrong, could we?

Cashed up Brits - where the bloody hell are ya?

We rented a spare room out to an Aussia guy years ago in Edinburgh. He took the room, paid the deposit for the (box) room then came back an hour later with his wife! We had no idea and no way did we want a couple there. Anyway, he made moves on three of my friends while his wife was at work in the evenings. When he spoke to his wife like shit over a burnt pancake, I finally got the gumption to toss his sorry ass out.

Your comments are appreciated, even if some are a bit controversial or inflammatory for others at times! I don't want to tar all Australian men with the same brush...though I have noticed a higher prevalence of somewhat bigoted/racists views in western Australia, or at least am surprised how often people feel it is normal or okay to express these views. Context is important, and communities towns in any more remote part of the world are sometimes less progressive too.

Anyway, I have travelled to visit my brother and it is a relief to have some time and distance away from the situation. I am no longer constantly upset and it was good to offload to family. However my initial elation at being somewhere new and having gotten away fairly unscathed have given way to a sort of overall slightly low mood, a kind of flat feeling, and a generally sadness at how it all turned out. Those months of messages and communication...it's almost like I'm grieving for a friendship/relationship that never was, and then I'm reminded of the painful end it all came to. I feel weary and distrustful of people now, and just want to hide away for a bit. But it's new years eve so I can't!

Please tell me this will pass soon

Be kind to yourself Wtf, you've been through a really awful experience and you've been really strong in getting yourself away as quickly as you could. I've lived and worked abroad for years of my adult life - currently in Canada - and things can seem magnified when you're alone and so far from home. Tbh I guessed instantly that you're in Australia; I also spent time working there in my 20s. I hope you have a lovely time with your brother and do allow yourself a bit of time to be upset - I don't mean let that waste of space mysoginistic prick invade your headspace, but just give yourself time to process it all. It will pass, you're a strong woman, and you will be fine. Feel free to drop me a pm any time, I know exactly what it's like to have this kind of emotional trauma when you're a long way from home.